Redwalgrl-RG: Oh dear lord… Here we go again!

RATING: PG-13 for language

GENRE(S): Humor




DISCLAIMER: Because I always forget this. I own nothing. I don't even own this crack idea!

SUMMARY: Things couldn't get much worse. They really couldn't. Or so Archer told himself. That's when those freaks from Devil's Nest showed up…

DEDICATION: To Drywater, for her lovely string of crack ideas. I officially love you. 3

Alright, go time! pose


Usually, a day at work wasn't this horrid. But dealing with Mustang's groupies, paper cuts, and several prank calls had caused Lieutenant Colonel Frank Archer to just about go insane. It was a good thing he didn't end up snapping at one of his superiors. But the military would be missing that Private eventually…

They'll never think to check the water purification plant.

Such was the man Archer, returning home after a stressful day at work. It really wasn't his fault that he liked war a little too much. And he certainly couldn't be blamed for shooting that Private.

Suppose I took 'shoot the messenger' a little bit too literally.

All in all, it had been a normal day.



"Boss, boss!" Dorchet barreled through the door to Devil's Nest, looking around wide-eyed. Spying Law, the ox chimera, Dorchet was over to him in a second. "Law-san, Law-san! Have you seen Greed-sama anywhere?!"

Seeing the panic on the dog chimera's face, Law paused to think about it. Where had that Homunculus run off to? "Did you check his room?"

Dorchet whimpered in a dog-like way. "But… the last time I tried that…" Well, needless to say, it had involved getting hit in the face with a high-heeled shoe. And he was still nursing the scar from that.

"Hmm… yes." Law muttered more to himself than to the other chimera. "Ask Marta."

Without another word, Dorchet located the snake chimera outside. "Marta-chan, Marta-chan!" He ran over as if to hug her, only to fall flat on his face as she stepped aside. "Ow!"

"What is it, Doro-kun?" She asked, pulling him back upright once she saw it was him and not some rapist or something.

Deciding that he might as well tell her, Dorchet finally sighed. "Well… Kimbley found some fireworks…"

He didn't have to finish. "Oh… shit."


Kimbley smirked victoriously. It wasn't often that he got his tattooed hands on fireworks. Where the hell had they come from? Well, he'd located a random immigrant from Xing and killed him for fun. And guess what? He had fireworks! Which had caused Kimbley to squeal in glee before remembering his place. So now, here he was in the suburbs, standing in front of a nice apartment complex. Yes, in the suburbs. "Goody!" He cheered happily, setting the first firework to aim straight for the building. Roy-like, he snapped his fingers and the firework lit up, sailing off with a resounding boom.

"Boom!" Kimbley echoed, laughing maniacally as he set off the remaining fireworks.


"What the hell do you mean Kimbley got hold of fireworks?!" Greed stared in shock at the snake and dog chimeras. "How the hell is that possible?! Who the hell let that psycho anywhere near those things?!"

"He found them!" Dorchet whined. "Greed-sama, what are we going to do?!"

"Like hell if I know!" Greed threw his arms up in exasperation. "I don't know… what the hell can we do? We can't stop him…"

The three were silent for a long time before Law walked into the room, holding several long spear-like poles. "Sparring?"

"That's it!" Dorchet grinned, eyes widening. "Marta, do we still have those marshmallows?"

"Marshmallows?" She repeated, staring at him as if he'd grown another head. "What the hell are you smoking, Dorchet?"

He held out his pipe for her to examine before slipping out of the room and dragging back a large sack of marshmallows. "Come on! Let's go roast marshmallows!"

Dorchet received three identical blank stares.


"What do you mean my apartment's on fire?!" Archer already had his gun pointed at the civilian's face. Today just couldn't get any worse, could it?!

But it could. "Hey, Archie."


"Kimbley." He replied civilly, despite the fact that he was completely furious at the fact that his home was burning, he'd just been called by that name, and he still hadn't gotten rid of his murderous rage. "What are you doing here?" He sighed, lowering the gun and allowing the civilian to flee.

"Oh you know…" He waved a hand around airily.

"…Is that Mustang's glove?!"


After a lot of explaining and complaining, the chimeras were now standing around the back of the burning building. Being the pyros they all were, they were staring up at the building in awe.

"Fiiiire…" Biddo, the lizard chimera, stretched a claw-like gray hand towards the flames only to have it swatted away by Greed.


He received several weird stares before Law passed out the sparring sticks, each with a marshmallow atop them. "Be careful, if it gets to close to the fire, it'll burn."

"Mine!" Greed stole all the sticks and ran off cackling.


Somehow or other, Kimbley had managed to keep Archer from shooting him. "…So yeah."

"I can't believe that." Archer's eye twitched subconsciously. He absolutely despised this!

"Oh well, you know me. Can't go around without starting a fire or an explosion." Kimbley shrugged slightly and handed over Mustang's glove.


"Right. Well…" Archer was cut off, seeing a Homunculus run away carrying pointy sticks with marshmallows on them. "…"

"Don't ask." Kimbley advised, shrugging and walking off.

After a stunned moment of silence, Archer finally gathered his wits. "Wait! What about payment?! I'M NOT PAYING FOR THIS!!"

No response.



XDDDDD There you have it. Nice and short. XD