"You were either going to help me through this or you weren't. I got my answer."
As his words hung heavy in the air, Wilson didn't bother to look up. Didn't bother to search House's face for some sign of remorse. There was no point in looking for something he knew he wouldn't find. The clicking of his office door was confirmation enough that the man, who was supposed to be his best friend, had disappointed him once again.
Placing the file of a long term patient on the pile with the rest of the referrals, Wilson thought back to the night of his sixth birthday. He'd lie in bed staring at the full moon in the inky sky. Filling it with starry wishes, James had decided what he wanted in life.
He'd planned his whole life on that sky. Like any other child, he'd held onto those dreams as if his life depended on it. But unlike so many other children, he had begun working to turn his hopes into reality. He'd lived out his childhood days using those wishes as a blueprint for his future, never once thinking that the heavens had something else in store for him.
Looking up from the manila envelopes that were the end of his practice, Wilson watched the rain trickling in snaky paths down his window. Any other time, the pattering against the glass windowpane would have been soothing to the man's frazzled nerves. But not today. Today the pouring rain was just another reminder of his heartbreak and everything that was wrong with his life. Every drop that splattered against the window was just another little liquid reminder of some disappointment or other.
Hypnotized by the intertwining streams, James cursed those stars for not preparing him for what was to come. He condemned them for not protecting him from the pain and heartache that they undoubtedly knew was his future.
Life wasn't supposed to be this hard.
Tucked snugly between his cowboy sheets, he hadn't wished to be able to walk through walls or fly like other boys his age did.No, his dreams had been surprisingly grounded and… realistic.
His brother and best friend standing on the altar for him.
A beautiful wife.
All of his dreams had seemed simple enough. A wife and a family. Nothing more. His parents had been able to achieve his dreams. So had his brother Charlie. Closing his eyes against the rain, Wilson sighed deeply wondering why all of his dreams had come true for everyone but himself.
Pressing the heels of his hands against his closed eyes, James chuckled bitterly as twinkling stars erupted against the infinite blackness of his eyelids.
There was one dream that had come true. He'd become a successful oncologist with lots of patients who needed him. But even that was too good to be true. Thanks to the man who was supposed to be his best friend, Wilson was being forced to shut down his practice.
He was being forced to shut down the one dream that had not been ruined by failed expectations.
Relieving the pressure on his weary eyes James placed his palms on his forehead and rested against them. At that moment, nothing felt more real or tangible than the weight of his skull pressing into his hands.
He was feeling sorry for himself, and he knew it, but he didn't care. He was tired of looking out for House or anyone else who shot him a pair of puppy dog eyes. It seemed like whenever someone needed something, they would come running to him. Wilson understood the consult requests. That was his job. However, he was sick of having to be the angel on everyone's shoulder. He wanted someone to be there for him for a change.
Robert should have been there.
Robert had always been there. Whether it was to offer a few choice words about the silliest of things or giving him a comforting pat on the shoulder, Robert had always known what to do to make everything right with the world.
Until the cancer anyway.
James had lost his brother eleven years ago, and deep down he knew that the cancer would have ravaged his body by now. If it hadn't already killed him that was.
Dropping his hands James forced himself to open his eyes. If Bobby had been there, he'd have known what to say to make his baby brother feel better. But he wasn't and so the youngest Wilson was forced to deal with all of his problems alone.
Robert should have been there. Sighing deeply, Wilson remembered that that was just one of his many broken dreams.
Staring at the various patient files and manila folders, James realized that all he'd ever really wanted was to be happy and needed. They weren't out of the ordinary dreams, but for him, they seemed to be impossible.
Sealing the envelope of another long time patient, James Evan Wilson realized that he was needed. Just not by those that were supposed to make him happy.
"Life is so constructed that the event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation."
– Charlotte Bronte
Squeeka Cuomo's Chart
- Originally written for the lj community "fraternizing" (Prompt: "Life is so constructed that the event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation." – Charlotte Bronte).
- Also written for the lj community "alphabetasoup" (H is for Hurt).
- The opening quote is taken from the episode "Wac-A-Mole".
- A few months ago I outlined this whole fic on a sheet of paper. Chapter titles, moods, reference quotes. Everything. Looking at that paper right now, I'm happy to say that (De)Constructed Life is exactly what I had envisioned when I originally outlined it. Writing this last chapter I would like to thank everyone who took the time to read and review. This is a story that I've written with deep love and respect for James Wilson and Robert Sean Leonard. I hope that you've enjoyed it.
- Katie, this fic really would not have been possible without you. I really and truly mean that. You've been my beta and my goddess. You've also encouraged me when I was ready to just give it up and call it a day. But most importantly, you've been my friend. Thank you so much. :duck: