This is a total crack fiction. This in NO way is meant to make fun of the 12 step program or any that such programs have helped.
Yes, it was a lot of fun to write.
No. I don't own Naruto, and I don't want to. Gaara on the other hand ….
"Hello. My name is Gaara of the Sand. And I'm addicted to anger."
Gaara paused and looked around, his eyes narrowing. "H…hhhh…heeello Gaara." The two random ninja finally replied, trembling.
Gaara nodded. "According to this booklet, the first step is to admit your addiction. I did that." With that, the red-headed demon vessel started to leave the room.
"Uhmmm, Gaara? That's not all you have to do." The old man standing beside the door told him sternly.
Gaara frowned, but the man frowned back at him. He sighed, it had started simple enough. After the debacle of an attack on the Leaf Village, and Gaara's stalemate with Naruto, the red-haired shinobi had expressed an interest in changing his ways.
The council elders had voted to try and eliminate him as a threat, or at least banish him. Yet the eldest councilor, Iko, had decided that the youngest child of the Fourth Kazekage deserved at least one more chance. So he'd given the youth a booklet. "The 12 steps to cure your addictions".
"What else?" He asked the council elder, already irritated.
"You have to admit that your addiction to anger has made your life unbearable. And you have to believe in a higher power that can return you to sanity." Iko explained.
"Did that. What next?" The young man sighed. If this was the only way to change, then he needed to calm down and go with it. He really did want to change, he admitted to himself.
"Turn your life over to the higher power and make a moral inventory."
Gaara laughed harshly. "Fine. My life belongs to a higher power. And I don't have any morals to inventory. How's that?"
Iko shook his head sadly. "Not that easy, but we'll move on if you like. You have to admit your wrongs and humbly want to change, and ask to change."
Gaara looked appalled. "It will take FOREVER to admit all my wrong doings! I'll never get to the end of the program if I do that!"
Iko sighed. "Fine. We'll skip ahead. I want you to make a list of all persons you have harmed and make direct amends where possible and where it will cause no harm. I will NOT let you skimp out on this one. Only when this step is complete can we focus on changing the council's mind about you."
What the fuck. Yep. This is a letter from me. You know I'm trying this stupid 12 step program to overcome my addiction to anger. Seems I have to admit all my wrong doings and make amends where possible. I decided to start with you.
1. I'm sorry that on your 7th birthday I covered your cake in sand. I guess I was jealous.
2. I'm sorry that I tried to smother you when you were five. I guess this one should have gone first, but I just remembered it. Besides, you were mean to me.
3. I'm sorry for calling you fat. But you are. Does this one even count?
47. I'm sorry I killed your first girlfriend. It was mostly an accident. Her constant giggling annoyed the hell out of me.
48. I'm sorry that I put the laxative in your food that one time. But if you ate slower you would have noticed, so I'm not sure this one counts either. It was funny too.
49. I'm sorry for having my sand pull down your pants while you were at your first formal. I was mad no girl would even look at me to go with. And by the way, the fact that you were 'commando' was not my fault. In fact, you owe me for this one. That was NOT a sight I ever cared to see. Seems your date agreed with me too.
872. I'm sorry that this fucking list is taking so fucking long! I didn't realize how much I've wronged you. Sorry!
873. I'm sorry that I drugged you and permanently tattooed your make-up to your face. Although I still think it's an improvement.
874. I'm sorry for what happened to your puppy. That really was an accident. I liked that stupid mutt more than I did you.
2,374. I'm sorry that I threw you against the wall, was that really only last week? Wow. Time flies.
Well, I think that's it. I can't remember any more, although I'm sure you do. I'm supposed to make amends now. How about a new puppy?
Like I said. Total crack. Hopefully fun. Let me know! PLEASE REVIEW. (and if you have a request or suggestion, go for it!)
Next up: Letter to Temari