Disclaimer: OOC? You bet.

Hermione the Harem Girl

"Harry," Hermione squealed. The girl was bouncing in excitement. "Guess what I just found?"

"What?" Harry asked.

"You're allowed to have a harem," she said in excitement. "It all goes back to an old law that grants wizards that show unusual powers the right to have more then one wife. You survived the killing curse, you can speak with snakes, and you're really powerful. Each one of those qualifies."

"Oh . . . huh, good bit of trivia I guess."

"Trivia?" Hermione growled. "Do you know what this means?"

"That I can have a harem?" Harry ventured.

"That I can be in a harem," Hermione corrected. "I've wanted to be in a harem since I was a little girl and you're not going to spoil it for me."


"I said that you're not going to spoil it for me," Hermione said firmly. "Now you go get ready while I go recruiting."

"What just happened?" Harry asked the rest of the common room.

"Not sure mate," Ron said sympathetically. "But it might be a good idea to go catch a shower. You saw how excited she was . . . we can talk her out of it later."


"Luna," Hermione said with a smile as she pulled out her poison darts.

"Hi Hermiiiii."

"What'd you just do?" Ginny demanded shrilly. "Annnnnnn."

"Two down," Hermione said with a satisfied smile.

"Ms. Granger, just what do you think you're doing?" McGonagall demanded.

"Kidnapping Luna and Ginny so that I can brainwash them into joining Harry's harem," Hermione replied. "Great huh?"

"Do you know how many rules you've broken?"

"None," Hermione said with a smile. "I'm even using blow darts to keep from using magic in the halls."

"We'll see about that," McGonagall said. "I shall be speaking with you soon."

"Ok," Hermione agreed as she began dragging the two girls towards the empty classroom that she'd been using as her base.

She quickly secured them and went off to hunt for the rest of what would soon be Harry's starter set.

"There you are Ms. Granger," McGonagall said. She'd found Hermione abducting another pair of girls. "I've checked the rules and you are correct, there is nothing against using poison darts on other students."

"Yes Professor."

"There is however a rule against abducting your fellow students with the intent of doing them harm," McGonagall said smugly.

"But I'm not intending to do them any Harm Professor," Hermione protested. "I'm intending to turn them into Harry's harem."

"And how does Mr. Potter feel about this?"

"I'm sure he'll come around," Hermione said flippantly. "It really isn't important."

"It's not important?" McGonagall asked in shock. "How is it that Mr. Potter's feelings are unimportant?"

"This is my dream we're talking about," Hermione explained. "I'm not going to let something like Harry's indecisiveness get in the way of achieving it."

"Very well . . . carry on then."

"Thank you Professor," Hermione said sweetly.

"Mr. Potter," McGonagall muttered to herself. "Perhaps I can have him put a stop to this?" It took her only a few minutes to track down her charge. "There you are."

"Hello Professor."

"Were you aware that Ms. Granger was in the process of building you a harem?"

"She might have said something along those lines," Harry admitted.

"What are you planning to do about it?" She demanded.

"We were just going to stay out of her way," Ron offered.

"We'll try to talk some sense into her after she calms down," Harry agreed.

"But it's best just to let her do what she wants when she gets like this."

"I had to put up with the twins doing that and I won't have you two following their example," McGonagall said sharply. "Regarding Ms. Granger . . . as she's breaking no school rules, there is nothing I can do. I leave this matter in your hands Mr. Potter, do not let me down."

"So you're saying I should just give in and accept the fact that I'm gonna get a harem regardless of my feelings on the matter?" Harry asked slowly.

"Oh forget it."


Ginny came to and found herself strapped to a chair. "What's going on Hermione?"

"Good," Hermione said with a smile. "You're all awake."

"Why are we here?" Daphne demanded.

"You're all here because I just found out that Harry can have a harem," Hermione replied. "And I've decided to give all of you a chance to join. You'll notice that I brought two girls from every house each chosen for their beauty and intelligence. Daphne and Tracy from Slytherin. Hanna and Susan from Hufflepuff. Luna and Padma from Ravenclaw. Parvati and Ginny from Gryffindor."

"What about you?" Luna asked.

"What do you mean?"

"There are three Gryffindors with you," Luna explained. "So does that mean you need another girl from each of the other houses?"

"Maybe later," Hermione said. "I'm not here representing one of the houses. I'm here to achieve my dream."

"Of being in a harem?" Daphne asked sarcastically.

"Exactly," Hermione said. "Now naturally I'll be the first one to grace Harry's bed and . . ."

"But I wanna be first," Luna protested.

"Too bad."

"Not fair."

"I'm the one that came up with this idea so I'm the one that gets Harry first," Hermione said firmly.

"We should do it together," Luna maintained. "Otherwise we're not taking advantage of the whole harem thing."

"I'll think about it."

"You can't expect us to agree to this Granger," Tracy growled.

"I'll agree to it," Luna said quickly.

The Patil twins looked at each other in silent communication. "We're in," Padma said for both of them.

"Good," Hermione squealed. "I really didn't want to have to break up the set."

"You're insane," Daphne screamed. "Insane."

"What about the rest of you?"

"How often would we get a turn with Harry?" Hanna asked nervously.

"I've set up a schedule," Hermione said enthusiastically. "Insuring that we all get a fair amount of Harry time . . . though I suppose that could increase if we take Luna's suggestion."

"I'm in," Hanna agreed.

"Hanna?" Susan asked in shock.

"You haven't seen what he has under those loose clothes of his," Hanna said wickedly.

"And you have?"

"I might have gotten a peak at those pictures Colin was passing around," Hanna admitted with a blush. "And he's had a few years of growing since then."



"Hufflepuff's in too," Susan said with a bit of drool coming out of the corner of her mouth.


"I don't want to share him," Ginny whined.

"I'll be sure to schedule time for each of us to have time to have him for ourselves."

"Well . . ." Ginny's mind was racing, here was a chance to achieve her childhood dream. Granted, not in the way she'd imagined. But mum had always said that life and relationships were all about making compromises.

"We still haven't agreed to this," Daphne shouted.

"Now, were there any questions before I begin the orientation?"

"Why'd you kidnap us?" Susan asked. "Why not just sit us down and talk to us?"

"Tradition," Hermione said firmly. "All the best harems in history have been the product of kidnapping and forced enslavement."

"Ah . . . alright then."

"You're all bloody nuts."

"Daphne, if you don't quiet down and let me speak then I'm afraid that I'm going to have to put a silencing charm on you . . . and I'll have to punish you later."

"Will there be spankings?" Luna asked eagerly.

"Yes Luna, there will be."

"Yay," Luna cheered.

"First thing you need to know is what your uniform will look like." Hermione stripped out of her robes and donned an outfit not seen since the last rerun of 'I Dream of Genie.'

"Oooh, stylish."

"Tracy?" Daphne said in betrayal.

"Just saying that I liked it."

"Thank you," Hermione beamed. "I worked really hard on it."

"It shows," Tracy gushed. "Do you think I could get one in blue?"

"To match your eyes?"


"Am I the . . . screw it," Daphne sighed in defeat. "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. I'm in too."

"Horay," Hermione cheered. "I knew you'd come around. Ok, the first thing we need to do is practice our harem skills."

"Harem skills?"

"Dancing, kissing, that sort of thing." Hermione explained.

"How are we going to do that?"

"Ok," Hermione said firmly. "I want everyone to pair up. Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, Gryffindors and Slytherins. We're going to breakdown house rivalry and practice kissing at the same time."

"Practice kissing?" Hanna asked weakly.

"Ok," Luna agreed, homing in on the shy Ravenclaw's lips.

"Just kissing Luna," Hermione said with a smile. "You don't have to put your hand up her shirt . . . good initiative though."

"Parvati, Ginny, Tracy, Daphne. Why are you four just looking at each other?" Hermione stormed over and grabbed Daphne by the collar. "Like this," she said then proceeded to give the other girl a tonsil cleaning kiss. "Understand? I want this harem to work out."

"Yeah," Daphne mumbled. "Work out."

"My turn?" Luna asked hopefully.

"Fine," Hermione agreed giving Luna a kiss. "Now go back to practicing." She watched what was happening with a satisfied smile. Excellent.


"There you are Mr. Potter."

"Hello again Professor McGonagall," Harry replied. "Have you found a way to stop Hermione yet?"

"As I said before," McGonagall sighed. "Nothing she's doing is against school rules and it is up to you."

"And as I've said before, we're just going to let her run out of steam before we try talking sense into her."

"That's not good enough," McGonagall growled. "I won't have students building harems while I'm headmistress. Come with me Mr. Potter."

"Where are we going?"

"We're going to the seraglio that Ms. Granger set up to train your new concubines."

"Do I have to?"

"Yes . . . any idea why Ms. Granger is so set on building you a harem?"

"She said something about having wanted to be a harem girl since she was a little girl," Harry said with a shrug. "I gave up trying to figure out how she thinks a long time ago."

"Yes . . . well . . . here we are," McGonagall stopped in front of an old unused classroom. "Get to it."

"Get to what?"

"Just go in and talk to her," McGonagall said in exasperation. "Now Mr. Potter."

"Fine," Harry sighed. "Here's nothing."

"Harry?" Hermione greeted him when he came in. "You're early."


"No, it's ok." Hermione said quickly. "I think we're ready. Luna, lap dance now."

"Ok," Luna agreed with a sultry smile as she began walking towards Harry.

"For Daphne," Hermione snapped. "I called first remember?"

"Oh right," Luna said. "I thought you wanted me to warm him up for you."

"Maybe later," Hermione said as she pushed Harry down onto a pile of silk cushions. "Padma, Parvati, I want you guys to stand to either side and start fanning him. Susan, Hanna, you two are on pealed grapes. Tracy, Ginny . . . lap dances."

Harry's eyes bulged as his brain finally processed the scene in front of him, why had he had a problem with this before? Oh right . . . nope, lost it. Must not have been important, having Hermione build him a Harem was the best idea he'd ever had.

AN: Just saw a scene where Harry got a harem due to arranged marriages and Hermione was pissed about being included. So I thought, hey maybe Hermione's always wanted to be in a harem wouldn't that be fun to write? Might right more of this, the thought of Hermione in a harem girl's outfit going around Hogwarts recruiting might be too much to resist.

Omake: Odd Internships

How did Harry end up interning with the Death Eaters you ask? Well, it all started when . . .

"What?" McGonagall asked flatly.

"I want to intern with Voldemort," Harry repeated. "It's perfectly safe, magic itself will prevent him from harming me wont it?"

"Well yes but . . ."

"And any laws I violate will be ignored so long as they're necessary for me to succeed in the career that I'm interning at right?"

"Yes but . . ."

"So what's the problem?"

"The fact that you want to intern with Voldemort," McGonagall screamed. "Are you mad? Do you know what this program is designed to do?"

"To provide valuable work experience for students over winter holiday," Harry droned.

"Exactly," McGonagall agreed. "Your friend Ms. Granger is going to be shadowing me, your friend Mr. Weasley is going to spend time with a professional Quidditch team, why in the bloody hell do you want to intern with the Dark Lord?"

"Sun tzu."

"What the bloody hell is Sun bloody Tzu?"

"Chinese general who wrote what Hermione tells me was the first text on warfare."

"And what the hell does that wanker have to do with anything?"

"He wrote, and I quote; 'know thy enemy and know thy self and you will always be victorious.' Understand now Professor?"

"No I don't," McGonagall screamed. "But since I can't talk you out of this bloody idiotic notion, then get to it you bleeding fool."

"Thanks Professor," Harry said with a smile. "Good to know that I've got your support on this."

When McGonagall finally got around to confronting Hermione about her friend's actions, the girl could only stammer the words 'that's not what I ment, Harry you idiot.'

The background explained, why don't we get back to the presant.

"You came here?" Voldemort asked in shock. "Willingly?"

"Yep," Harry agreed.

"Oh happy day, cru . . ."

"Hold up old bean," Harry said. "I'm afraid you can't do that."

"Why not?" Voldemort asked, sounding much like a petulant child.

"I'm interning as a Dark Lord not a minion," Harry explained. "You'll loose your magic if you or any of your followers curse me . . . which in retrospect would be great, curse away."

"You won't trick me Potter," Voldemort said smugly.

"Darn," Harry snapped his fingers. "I mean, my plan worked . . . and I tricked you . . . curse away."

"Nice try Potter," Voldemort sneered. "You're going to have to do better then that if you want to beat me."

"Ok," Harry agreed. "Now how do you call a meeting?"

"Like so," the Dark Lord sighed. This was going to be a very vexing experience.

"Reducto, reducto, reducto." Harry killed the first three Death Eaters to arrive.

"And why pray tell did you do that?" Voldemort asked calmly.

"Didn't like the way they looked at me," Harry explained. "Reducto. And the handbook said that it was perfectly ok to kill any minion at any time for any reason. Reducto."

"There's a handbook?" Voldemort asked in shock.

"Yep, in the restricted section."

"Why didn't anyone tell me there was a handbook?"

"Maybe no one likes you," Harry said. "Reducto."

Three hours later, there was a rather large pile of corpses in the Dark Lord's lair and a rather small group of terrified followers.

"Minions," Voldemort began. "I'm afraid we're going to have to cancel bingo night."


"Reducto, reducto, reducto, reducto." Harry killed several more minions. "They made a sound during your speech," he explained. "The handbook says that it's strictly forbidden to make a sound during the Dark Lord's speech."

"Fine," Voldemort sighed. "As I was saying . . ."


"Damn it, what now?"

"He wet himself."

"Whatever, just stop doing that. I've only got three minions left."

"Reducto," Harry incanted. "Make that two."

"Do you know how hard it will be to build back up from having only two minions?" Voldemort demanded.

"Reducto," Harry incanted again. "Make that one."

"Um . . . excuse me?" The one minion said nervously.

"What is it Steve?" Voldemort asked.

"I'd like to request some time off," Steve replied. "Until he's gone."

"I understand, fine you may . . ."

"Reducto," Harry said quickly. "Never ask me for time off."

"That's it, get out." Voldemort said harshly. "Now."

"But I was having so much fun," Harry protested.

"I don't care," Voldemort growled. "I said get out, find another internship, get drunk, kill someone else, I don't care just get out."

"Can we say I'm still having an internship, just away from here?"

"Whatever, just leave."

"Ok," Harry agreed. He had a short stop at the Ministry to make before returning to school.

After a rather . . . eventful afternoon, Harry returned to McGonagall's office.

"And that's how I spent my internship," Harry said proudly.

"Spent what?" Hermione asked. "It started this morning. And you didn't explain anything, just walked into the office and said 'and that's how I spent my internship.'"

"Very good Hermione," McGonagall said with a fond smile. "You just need to work a bit on your stern look, I find that practicing in front of mirrors helps."

"Thank you Professor," Hermione said. "Well Harry, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"That I need a new internship," Harry replied. "I got kicked out of my last one . . . can you do that by the way?"

"How'd you manage to do that?"

"I killed all his followers then Fudge, Umbridge, and a few other people." Harry answered honestly. "Course since I was a Dark Lord trainee, it was alright to do whatever I wanted."

AN: Popped into my head, not sure why.