Disclaimer: Hey, it could happen.
Gabrielle Gets Sacked
"Weasel," Draco sneered.
"Still wearing your brother's clothes I see," Draco observed with a smirk. "Family still can't afford to clothe you in anything but rags."
"You won't be able to say that much longer," Ron laughed. "I've got a new job."
"Circus short on trained monkeys then?" Draco asked.
"No," Ron said proudly. "Hermione's hiring me to be a eunuch for Harry's Harem."
"What?" Draco asked flatly, he'd gone paler then usual.
"A eunuch," Ron repeated himself. "Jealous?"
"Not even a little bit," Draco replied as he began backing up. "And you want this to happen?"
"Yeah," Ron agreed. "It pays really well."
"She's not . . . she's not planning to recruit more eunuchs the same way she recruited the harem is she?" Draco had a crazed look on his face.
"Maybe," Ron replied with a shrug.
"Then if you'll excuse me," Draco said as he turned. "I have to go pack my things."
"Finally leaving huh?" Ron asked with a satisfied smile.
"No way in hell I'm coming within a thousand miles of this godforsaken place," Draco agreed as he saunter turned into a run. "I'm not letting anyone take Mutt and Jeff from me."
"Mutt and Jeff?" Ron asked the empty hall. "Hmmmm." He found himself in a bit of an odd situation, while he was sure that eunuch was just another term for 'super cool wizard,' a seed of doubt had been planted in his mind. Perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea to check a dictionary after all? He thought for about two seconds before discarding the idea. No, what he needed was to have someone else check a dictionary for him, but who?
"Did I just see Malfoy?" Neville asked as he walked up to Ron.
"Yeah," Ron agreed. "Why?"
"The look on his face," Neville replied with a shudder.
"Say Neville," Ron began.
"How'd you like to do me a favor?"
"How'd you like to tell me what you're offering first?" Neville retorted.
"Uh . . ."
"Desert for a month," Neville mused. "Depending on what the favor is."
"Half of my desert for a day," Ron said quickly. "I just want you to look up a word."
"Two days," Neville said. "Final offer."
"Fine," Ron agreed. "I need you to find out what eunuch means."
"Sure," Neville agreed. "I'll get right on it."
Tonks woke up blindfolded and tied to a chair. She felt a brief moment of disorientation as her mind franticly searched for an explanation.
"She's awake," a strange yet familiar voice said. "How do you want to do this?"
"We break her," another voice said sadistically. "Be break her and reform her into our lord's loyal servant and bodyguard."
Tonks began hyperventilating as she tried to remember what she'd learned in the afternoon they'd spent in the academy 'learning' how to act and endure if they ever found themselves in just such a situation.
"I can't help but think I'm forgetting something," the sadistic voice said coldly. "Oh right . . . Tonks, the safety word is banana."
"Banana?" Tonks said dumbly, only to have the blindfold removed by a pouting Luna Lovegood.
"You didn't even give us a chance to tickle your feet with feathers," Luna complained.
"What's going on here?" Tonks waled.
"Hermione got a letter so she's out doing something and can't break you into a useful member of Harry's harem," Luna explained. "So she gave the task to us, isn't that grand?"
"I found out what it means," Neville said sickly. "And you owe me a wizard debt."
"I owe you two days of deserts," Ron replied.
"I think you'll agree you owe me a wizard debt after you hear what I found out," Neville said quickly.
"We'll see," Ron said with a frown. "Well?"
"Oh 'ermione," Gabrielle said with a cultured smile. "I am so 'appy you came."
"How can I help you?" Hermione asked wearily, she really didn't know the blond part Veela all that well and she was perfectly aware of the fact that this could be a trap.
"I just wanted to know when you were going to kidnap me," Gabrielle said cheerfully. "I'm 'oping now is convenient, I've got everything ready."
"Like this traditional Veela wedding sack," Gabrielle replied as she held up a large burlap bag proudly. "It 'as silencing charms and lightening charms . . . not that the lightening charms are needed," she added quickly. "Just that they are traditional."
"Very nice." Hermione was more then a little bit impressed by the amount of initiative the other girl had shown. "What's in the other sack?" She indicated another large burlap sack that seemed to contain something vaguely human shaped and struggling.
"Fleur 'as been single far too long," Gabrielle replied. "Won't mama be so 'appy to 'ear that 'er two daughters 'ave both been kidnapped into an 'arem?" Gabrielle said with a sigh, "tres romantique."
"Isn't it just," Hermione agreed tearfully. "Do you want to do this right?"
"But of course." Gabrielle handed Hermione the sack.
"Then get in the sack my little Veela," Hermione growled. "Your days of running free are at an end."
"Oh what am I going to do?" Gabrielle sobbed dramatically as she eagerly helped Hermione throw the sack over her head. "Oh woe is me."
"Comfortable?" Hermione asked just before she closed the sack.
"Good." Hermione closed up the sack and grabbed Fleur's.
"Fred," Ron called out. "George, I've got a question for you."
"What is it little brother?" George asked with a grin.
"Volunteering to help us test a few of our tricks?"
"No," Ron said quickly. "I just need to know what a Eunuch is?"
"It's horrible," Fred said sickly.
"Unspeakably horrible," George agreed. "In a horribly unspeakable way."
"Why do you ask?"
"So it's not just another way of saying 'super cool wizard' right?" Ron asked seriously.
"Not even close, why?"
"Because Hermione wanted to make me one," Ron replied. "You're not having one on at my expense are you? I asked Neville but he just made up some rot about how Eunuchs didn't have their boys anymore."
"They don't," Fred said sickly. "They . . . they . . ."
"Get cut off," George agreed.
"Really?" Ron asked suspiciously. "You're not having me on are you?"
"Ron . . ."
". . . there are some things you don't joke about."
"Some things you don't ever joke about."
"You said it little brother."
"Give up my innocent little maiden?" Tonks growled.
"I'm not really a maiden any longer," Luna replied proudly. "Not since Harry . . ."
"Details later," Tonks interrupted. "And don't break character."
"Sorry, ahem . . . never," Luna said tearfully. "I shall never willingly surrender my virtue to Harry the well endowed."
"Well endowed you say?"
"Very," Luna agreed. "Don't break character."
"Sorry, uh . . . then I shall have to tickle your feet with this feather until you do."
"Oh no . . . you mustn't."
"Bwahaha," Tonks laughed evilly. "And ha again."
Hermione walked into the great hall and ignored the odd looks shot at the large moving burlap bags on her shoulder.
"Hey Ron could you . . ."
"Get away from me," Ron squealed. Hermione watched in shock as her friend covered his crotch with both hands and fled screaming.
"What's wrong with him?" Shaking it off as unimportant, Hermione continued her journey to the seraglio. She entered the room to find a scene that she hadn't been expecting . . . well, it was the exact scene that she'd been expecting but the payers were reversed. "I thought I told you to break her and not the other way around."
"Tonks said that she wanted her turn first," Luna explained from the chair, "and it sounded like so much fun that well . . ."
"Fine," Hermione sighed. "So long as someone got broken."
"Oh and yes I'll join the harem," Tonks interjected. "Sounds like fun and Luna tells me that the Ministry has to put five zeros on the end of my paycheck and I don't have to do nothing but guard and please Harry."
"That's not strictly true," Hermione lectured, "the five zeros are just for guarding Harry. You get another ten if you please him too."
"Really?" Tonks began drooling.
"Not to mention the free room and board," Hermione agreed. "Speaking of Harry . . ."
"He's asleep in the other room with Hanna and Susan," Luna said, "they wanted to practice their teamwork."
"Good," Hermione said with a profound sense of satisfaction. "Now help me get these open."
"Are those traditional Veela wedding sacks?" Daphne asked.
"Wow," the girl squealed, "you really went all out didn't you?"
"In conforming to pureblood harem custom," the Slytherin girl explained. "I'll give you my copy of the big book of harem customs later."
"Big book of harem customs?" Hermione asked eagerly.
"Well . . . that's not it's name of course," Daphne said with a blush, "I just got it for the naughty pictures."
"Naughty pictures?" Luna asked eagerly.
"Later Luna," Hermione said reluctantly, "we've got girls to indoctrinate now."
"Right," Luna agreed.
"Oh dear," Gabrielle said as she crawled out of her traditional Veela wedding sack. "Oh woe, what will become of me, oh you 'ave broken my will and I shall eagerly submit to 'arrie . . . ahem, I shall eagerly submit to 'arrie."
"He's in the other room."
"Merci," Gabrielle said happily.
"Shall I open the other sack now?"
"Do it Luna," Hermione agreed.
"What eez going on?" Fleur demanded after she'd been released from the traditional Veela wedding sack.
"We 'ave married 'arrie," Gabrielle replied. " Tres romantique n'est pas?"
"Oui, eet eez tres romantique." Fleur agreed. "I must go . . . how you say . . . consummate our union since I was in a wedding sack first I must consummate first. You are in 'arrie's 'arem 'ermione?"
"We all are," Hermione agreed. "Isn't it great?"
"Yes very great," Fleur agreed, "um, 'ermione?"
"Would you like to 'elp me with my consummating?"
"Sure," Hermione agreed.
"You other girls?" Fleur asked. "Would you also like to 'elp me?" The girls all gave their assent and the group began walking towards the bedroom. "Not you my precious sister," Fleur said as Gabrielle moved to join the group. "You must 'ave your own turn after we are finished with the consummating."
"But . . ."
"I am sure that 'arrie will 'ave recovered enough by next week," Fleur said sadistically, "next month at the latest."
"But . . ."
"Just wait out 'ere and listen to us," Fleur said as she closed the door, "and think about what you did."
"But I wanna 'ave my turn with 'arrie now," Gabrielle protested.
Several hours later, a bruised, sweaty, and extremely happy Harry managed to stumble into the hospital wing.
"Madame Pomfrey can I have a moment of your time?" Harry asked nervously.
"What is it Mister Potter?" She sighed.
"Uh . . . well . . . it's a lot of work to deal with a harem, especially a harem that includes two part Veela and I was hoping that you could . . . uh . . . well, the spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised."
"Top shelf on the left," she said without looking up, "blue smells like raw sewage and tastes worse."
"Thanks," Harry said as he took down the potion.
"Side effects may include rectal bleeding, night terrors, bed wetting, and baldness. Side effects will include genital enlargement and uncontrollable . . . uh . . . friskiness."
"I've generally found that students prefer it when I'm not so detailed," Poppy explained, "if you wish me to explain every little detail . . ."
"That's okay," Harry said quickly.
"The Potion behind it in the green bottle will take care of most of the side effects."
"All but the last two," Poppy said with a smile.
"Thanks Madame Pomfrey," Harry said as he downed the potions, "you're the greatest."
"I try Mister Potter." She'd always liked him, he kept her busy, he complimented her, admittedly he'd made a number of inept attempts at escape when confined to the hospital wing but then again, nobody's perfect.
AN: There really aren't enough fics with Gabrielle. Do have a vague idea for her, kinda hope it grows. If not you've still got this right . . . right?
Omake by: Tommy King
As he pushed his way out of the Great Hall through the students entering Draco felt a hand stop him and looked up to see Harry.
"You know Malfoy, you've been bating us for so long now I'd have thought you'd have mastered it by now, poor you not even managed to master bating."
He pushed the hand away, wondering why all the muggle raised and muggleborn students were sniggering at him. As he went down the stairs to the dungeons he could here him say to Crabbe and Goyle.
"Come on guys, we need to learn to master bating."
Omake: Governing Internships
"What exactly are you doing Ms. Granger?" McGonagall asked sternly. "I thought you were supposed to be practicing your stern looks?"
"Sorry Professor," Hermione said contritely. "But I thought it was more important to get Dumbledore sacked."
"And just why is that?"
"Because if Dumbledore is sacked then Harry will no longer be interning as the Headmaster which will mean that he's a normal student which will mean that I outrank him again."
"I see . . . carry on Ms. Granger."
"Thank you Professor."
It wasn't hard to build a case to have the Headmaster fired for gross incompetents, endangerment of students, and failure to provide an environment conductive to learning . . . as a matter of fact, it was almost depressingly easy to have the Headmaster fired. Hermione was left shaking her head in despair when she looked over the list she'd put together, it really put things in perspective when she thought about it. Casting those thoughts aside as unimportant, Hermione focused on the things that really mattered in her life. Namely getting the Headmaster fired so that Harry would no longer rank her.
Minerva assembled the board and laid out the evidence Hermione had gathered. Not even Dumbledore's staunchest supporters were willing to come to his defense and since Harry had had the Headmaster institutionalized in a crooked retirement home, Dumbledore was unable to come to his own defense.
"Hah," Hermione crowed. "I outrank you again Harry."
"Actually." Harry reached down to polish the knob on his pimp cain. "I'm currently interning with the school Board of Governors so I'm afraid that you don't outrank me since I in fact outrank you."
"Damn you Harry."
"Hmmm?" Harry yawned. "Did you say something Hermione?"
"You had better not slip one of the students a possessed diary Harry Potter," Hermione growled.
"Wouldn't think of it," Harry agreed. "On another note, I got a letter from Ron the other day."
"What did he have to say?"
"He's played in his first game."
"But I thought that he?" Hermione cut off with a puzzled look on her face.
"Don't over think it," Harry advised, "apparently he showed up to one of their games and the other players were so hung over that Ron was the only one to take the field."
"How'd he do?"
"Beat the point spread," Harry said. "Which means the Cannons did better then they've done in years."
"Ron's got all sorts of endorsements coming in now."
"Good for him."
"Yeah," Harry agreed. "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to make a little shopping trip."
"To buy what?" She asked suspiciously.
"Not an evil possessed diary," Harry said innocently.
"Or any other evil possessed thing?"
"It's been nice talking to you Hermione but I'm afraid I must be going," Harry said on his way out of the room. "Ta ta."
"Harry . . . Harry answer that question," Hermione demanded as she followed him out of the room.
Omake by ubereng
The Daily Prophet blared, "Dumbledore charter member of Rotfang conspiracy! Removed from Hogwarts!".
"He was always offering candy, you know. Hard stuff to crack teeth and sugary stuff that made them hurt," Says Hogwarts student, Susan Bones, sixteen.
"Master Dumby's candy jar wasn't cleaned in decades. He didn't want us to touch it."
-- Senior Hogwarts elf, SqueeGee, 205 years old.
"That jar had enough bacteria to paralyze a dragon. They would DEFINITELY cause tooth decay or worse"
-- Ministry Auror spokesman who declined to be identified.
"He got on with some bad apples as a teenager. I thought he outgrew it."
-- Aberforth Dumbledore
The lead investigator declined to reveal any further evidence but he said they are confident of conviction and have iron-clad witnesses.
On an unrelated note, Mundungus Fletcher was paroled two years early from Azkaban.