My third fanfiction ever!! And after this I'm gonna stop announcing 'This is my fourty-seventh fanfiction ever!!') stuff. Okay!! This fanfic contains - bad humour, bad language, angry puppets, annoying blondes, and I think that's it.
When I say 'OOC:' I mean that's me commenting, it's not part of the fanfiction. You'll know because it'll probably be something stupid.
(DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto or it's characters. Or Captain Jack Sparrow.)
It started out a perfectly normal day in the Akatsuki hideout. (Note: Depends on your definition of 'normal') Most of the members slowly rousing and heavily hauling themselves out of bed, the exception of Itachi who merely sat up with a deadpan expression,
freaking out Kisame.
One by one they drifted into the kitchen, at which sat a large-ish table, as they were a big family. Kisame sat at his breakfast staring at his bowl of cereal infront of him with dreary eyes and some drool leaking out the corner of his mouth as if a little confused as to how it got there and why it was staring at him.
Itachi decided to commit his 'annual good deed' then by leaving Kisame to continue his now turning into a rather fierce glaring match with his cereal and took a sip of his coffee, pure black, no milk, no sugar thank you.
Zetsu had a platter infront of him on which a large hunk of bloody and uncooked meat was sitting on. The only person who went near him was Tobi who was sitting beside him eating Coco Pops and most likely grinning goofily behind his mask as he tried to 'Spot How Many Coco Pops Are Hidden On The Back Of This Box!' (OOC: Ne ne, wait, how does he eat them through his mask?)
Kakuzu, to save money, was eating some cheap cereal that tasted worse than the cardboard carton it came in, and Hidan was taking ages praying to Jashin him to thank him for the food he was given and promising a small sacrifice, maybe in the form of a certain blonde bomb artist if he reset his alarm clock to 3AM again...
And the leader of it all, uhm... Leader-Sama, was reading the newspaper at the end of the table. And remarking about random events on the newspaper. "Vandal shinobi blows up Iwagakure... Really, the nerve of some people..." Causing the majority of the red-cloud cloaked people at the breakfast table to sweatdrop.
And let's say the blue-haired member was on holiday. A really long holiday.
But oh my! You clever readers COUGHhahacleverhahaCOUGH may have noticed - But where is our favourite pair - the androgynous(1) explosion-obsessed artist and the moody impatient puppet? Well, let's, using my 1337 writer skills and nothing-to-do-with-bribing-Kakuzu-for-the-keys-and-layout-of-the-Akatsuki-hideout enter their room and find out...
Now, away from where all the bustle was, descending deeper and deeper down the confusing gloomy corridors (Leader-Sama wouldn't let them decorate the corridors. Said it was for 'sinister atmosphere'. But you always knew if you were going the right way to Tobi's room because the walls were adorned with pictures of flowers and unicorns and... happy stuff) it became very quiet. Nothing stirred. Not even a mouse.
But if you listened very very carefully, you might hear a whisper of noise coming from the room on the left...
Your first impression of this room would be - it was a complete mess. Clothes were sprawled in a heap, strewn about the room, creased so badly it looked as if they must of been crumpled up in that place for ages without being washed or ironed... Oh wait but that's probably---Yeah, anyway. Odd little clumps of clay were everywhere in the room, just placed so that you'd forget about them then stand on it and get it stuck to your foot. In addition to the clay, little birds were on a bedside, on the floor, scattered under the bed, in the bed... and... somehow stuck on the ceiling.
Nearby was a worktable. That was obvious as to the screwdrivers and saws and different tools that lay on it's surface and in a rack nearby. Was made it a little more obscure about what sort of 'work'ing the person at the table did, was the dried blood staining the tools. Right beside it on the wall was a cabinet, full of little bottles and pots of liquids and powders. They were not for eating.
Resting with it's back against the worktable was an unfinished puppet.
A soft mumble and the rustling of someone stirring against material broke the silence. The room proved it be inhabited after all. Someone sat up, stared around the room once with an air of cluelessness and clumsiness that someone has when they've just woken up, and flung the pair of his partner's boxers off his head. He staggered to his feet, before making his way awkwardly through all the paraphernalia on the floor with the grace of a drunken hippo, on his brave journey to the bathroom. (OOC: Imagine this scene with the Jack Sparrow music. Now someone make a remark about why is the rum always gone.)
With a trip(due to the vengeful wrath of a small clay birdie), hop and skip, the young boy managed to avoid falling flat on his face rather painfully by seizing hold of the bathroom door frame. Perfectly executing the cliché scene of a movie where the main character walks up to the mirror while rubbing his eyes to prevent him seeing himself and the 'shocking new change' or clown nose stuck to his face with super-glue or permanent marker over his forehead of the words 'Deidara was here, un!', he looked up...
And merely saw his reflection looking back at him with bleary eyes, unkempt red hair sticking up at all angles and a mouth that was hanging open unattractively.
Sasori turned the tap and cupped his hands under the running water, before splashing the ice cold water onto his face. Giving a sharp gasp as it harshly woke him up, Sasori took the sleeve of his Akatsuki cloak and wiped his face dry. While doing so thoughts that had been subconciously niggling at him since he woke up began to slowly submerge into his mind. Like since when did a puppet like him need sleep? Or when did he ever even submit to clumsiness, a trait which only humans could master?
Ignoring these as they were tossed out of his mind to make way for the thought of his main priority today - breakfast, Sasori walked out, but couldn't help feeling that something was just not quite right...
Seven seconds later after having made it a little way down the hallway the redhead sprinted back into the room and leapt over the clutter to the bathroom, skidding on the tiles to a stop infront of the mirror and stared in, his face contorting into first utter shock,
then horror, then both.
Akasuna no Sasori did something he hadn't done for the first time in a very long time.
A scream echoed throughout the Akatsuki hideout.
Well you didn't think I would ruin a traditional cliché would you?
Kisame stowed away the cereal bowl into the dishwasher, having thrown his soggy breakfast away in disgust. (It had won the staring contest against him)
"Ne, Itachi-san, what missions have we got today?" He turned to the raven-haired Uchiha beside him.
Itachi opened his mouth to reply, but whatever he was going to say will never be known, because at that exact moment a scream ripped through the air.
Everyone stopped and blinked except Itachi who returned back to calmly eating his breakfast as the screaming continued for the next few seconds.
"...Deidara?" asked Kisame, once the screaming had stopped.
"No, that little shit's voice is higher than that when he screams. Like a girl's," grunted Hidan.
"Sasori never screams."
"He does when Deidara blows up his puppets."
"That's more of an enraged bloodthirsty yell of "DEIDARA WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU I AM GOING TO SHOVE THOSE CLAY-EATING HANDS OF YOURS SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THEY'LL BE TASTING WHAT YOU HAD FOR BREAKFAST!!" "
"Oh yeeeeahhh..." (OOC: Okay, sorry, I suck at making threats. XD; )
A sleeping figure was curled up on a shoddily made bed. On first inspection it was a girl, with a slender delicate frame, deep blue eyes... erm, eye if you were to prise her sleeping eyelid open and silky golden hair that draped over one side of her face and the rest was tied back in a ponytail. If you were to do a full body inspection you'd find out that she was actually a he.
Deidara rolled over. His hands appeared to be chewing on his sheets in what one could almost say was a fond manner, much like a young child cuddling their blankie---uhm, blanket, culminating in saliva-damp patches on his bed.
"M' danna is better th'n your danna... un..." He muttered softly in his sleep.
A loud scream punctured the air. Now, think, if all the others were over all the way in the kitchen and they found it loud, imagine how loud it would be to Deidara who was sleeping right next to the bathroom Sasori was in.
"Don't worry danna I'll save you un---!!" cried Deidara, bolting upwards in his bed only to hit his head off a shelf. He fell back, room swaying, and lights dancing around in his vision. 'Who put that shelf there!?' he thought in the agonizing pain of what felt like he'd split his head open.
Forcing himself upwards, more slowly and carefully this time, Deidara swung one leg over his bed and promptly stood on the sharper-than-clay-should-be beak of the little clay birdie that had tripped Sasori going into the bathroom. (OOC: ZOMG. It moved by itself.
O.O We know what this means don't we?) Cursing blindly with phrases that the old woman who had given him money would never imagine the sweet-young-innocent-boy-who-had-so-politely-asked -for-some-money-because-he-and-his-danna-had-travelled-so-far-and-really-really-needed-some -money-for-an-inn-un using, he hopped on his one good foot over to the bathroom.
"What's wrong danna un!? Don't worry I'm he---UWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!
"Now that's Deidara," Kisame grinned with satisfaction, baring teeth that looked like they might have been taken out of a shark's mouth.
The screaming continued and grew louder as it became apparent that the source of the distressed screaming was coming nearer and before long a blur of red, black and blonde cannoned flailing past the door with a scream of "IT'S ALIVE UN!!"
There was a pause.
"Well there's something you don't see everyday," said Hidan conversationally.
Now, back to Sasori, who we have abandoned for a short while, providing there's someone reading this.
This redhead had shortly followed Deidara, but this time stopped at the kitchen, or to be accurate, skidded when he started to approach the kitchen, continued to skid past it's entrance at the speed he had been running at and then ran back to it.
Everyone, even Itachi this time looked up at the panting wide-eyed Sungakure puppet master.
"Something wrong?" Tobi stated the obvious.
Sasori just gaped at him before turning back to the others,"Something horrible's happened!"
"We've got a decrease in wages?!" Kakuzu immediately got to his feet.
"Oh thank God..." murmured Kakuzu, settling back down into his chair and clutching his hearts.
"Thank Jashin you mean," corrected Hidan.
"Oh shut up about your Jashin will you!?" snapped Kakuzu.
Before Hidan could get ontop of Kakuzu and slaughter him, Itachi interrupted, speaking for the first time that morning,"What is it Sasori?"
"Look!" Sasori strode up to Itachi and pointed at his face. (OOC: Sasori's face, not Itachi's, if he had pointed it at Itachi's face he probably would of no longer possessed said finger or hand that finger was on or arm, depending on which side of the bed Itachi woke up on)
Everyone leant in and spent a few seconds examining Sasori's face, trying to figure out what had made him so distressed.
"...You got a scratch so now you have to polish your face?" suggested Hidan, recieving a more intense than normal glare from Sasori,"Hey, it was just a suggestion!"
Sasori turned desperately to Itachi,"You've noticed it right?"
Itachi nodded silently.
Kisame and all the other members... I'm too lazy to list, turned to him,"What is it?"
Itachi produced, somewhere from the depths of his Akatsuki cloak, a senbon. Raising it to Sasori's cheek, he pricked the soft skin.
A bead of deep red blood welled up slowly, before trickling down.
"So? Sasori's bleeding. So what?"
"He's bleeding!! Sasori's never bleeds!!"
"Well done," said Itachi bluntly.
There was the sound of running footsteps. Deidara appeared at the doorframe, face flushed.
"Sasori's gone human!"
"So how has this happened?"
"I think that's what we're all wanting to know."
The Akatsuki were all gathered in the living room. Everyone was sitting staring at Sasori and it was beginning to annoy him.
It was not helped by the fact that Deidara kept poking him every three seconds and asking 'Can you feel that danna un?' and pinching him or asking him to eat something or just gaping at him and going 'Wow un!'.
"So wait, Sasori just slept over night and this happened?"
"But wooden puppets just don't turn human over night."
"Pinnochio did... OHMIGOSH SASORI'S PINNOCHIO UN!!!"
"Deidara I'm not Pinnochio!!"
"Oh good un."
"This is a very complex jutsu at work here."
"But why would someone want to turn Sasori human?"
"Maybe Sasori did it?"
"Why would I spent years of my childhood to turn myself into the ultimate puppet only to get bored and turn myself into a human again???"
"Maybe someone wants to make him vulnerable."
"Mmmm-hmmm. But could they do this from a distance or did they sneak in here?"
"But if they snuck in here why not just stick him in the heart?"
"Maybe they thought it might somehow alert the other Akatsuki members?"
"I bet it was that crazy old lady un!"
"You mean Sasori's grandma?"
"Maybe Sungakure shinobi."
"Why would they be after Sasori right now? Wouldn't they be busy with other matters like maintaining Sungakure's position and like accepting missions and stuff? Besides, Sasori hasn't done anything lately that would give the impression he is planning to attack Sungakure."
"Deidara stop it."
Leader-Sama stood up,"The vital thing here is how they got past our defences. Our base is well hidden and covered in protective seals. The foe we are facing here is very powerful. They may be useful to us if they join, but upon saying that it would seem that they are not all that friendly towards us..."
"For now it would seem all we can do is continue on with business. However, I think we should be extremely cautious and on the look out."
"DEIDARA YOU LITTLE SHIT!!" screeched the former puppet and threw himself at his blonde partner who let out, as Hidan stated, a very girlish shriek and ran round the room getting chased by his danna.
"...Sasori will have to remain human for now. Besides, I'm sure he'll have much fun re-discovering all the fun stuff humans can do," Leader-Sama exited the room.
"?" Deidara stopped very suddenly causing Sasori to run into him. "What does he mean by that un?" He looked up curiously as he
fended off redheaded teenager's attacks.
"Well, it means that since Sasori is human again he can taste and feel and stuff... You know, human stuff. Rather than just being a block of wood that's been carved into a human shape," explained Hidan helpfully.
Sasori, who hadn't been listening to a word of this, watched as Deidara's expression turned thoughtful and a sly grin spread across his face. The puppeteer felt a twinge of uneasiness. And his senses had never been wrong before.
"So... While we're trying to figure out what has happened... We can have fun with danna un???"
Sasori watched Deidara start to smile. It was not a kind smile. He watched Deidara turn to direct his smile at him. He watched the other Akatsuki members do similar things. He could swear he even saw the corners of Itachi's mouth curl upwards slightly.
"...I want my puppets..."
(1) Androgynous - marked by a fusion of male and female physical traits, or more commonly by a blending of masculine and feminine attitudes, roles, looks, or characteristics. ... Or so says the online dictionary. Think Haku.
Oh me oh my! What will happen next? I hope you guys are enjoying this so far! Heehee, poor Sasori, what will Deidara and the others have fun getting him to do.
Please review and tell me if you like it or not! Remember - I eat flames. 'Specially if they're strawberry-flavoured!