Disclaimer: I don't recall that I ever had a pen pal, perhaps I'm compensating by writing this?

Pen Pals

Harry whistled a happy tune as he walked towards the owlery. "Hedwig."

"Hoot," Hedwig called out as she landed on his shoulder.

"I've got a letter I need delivered."

"Hoot," she hooted proudly.

"But there's a good chance that whoever delivers it will die in horrible pain. So I was wondering, is there an owl you'd recommend for the job?"

"HOOT," Hedwig called out and another owl landed in front of Harry.

"Here you go," Harry tied the letter onto the owl's leg. "See you around."

"Hoot hoot hoot," Hedwig laughed . . . er hooted evilly.

"Thanks girl."


Voldemort was sitting in a chair rubbing his snake when an owl arrived. "Look Snakey, lunch."

Nagini resisted the urge to sigh at the hated nickname and ate the bird that was dumb enough to land within striking distance. "Ptui."

"What's this?" Voldemort said thoughtfully. "A letter? For me?"

Dear Volde,

Or as I like to call you Tommy Tum Tum, hope you don't mind. I am just writing because I've got a request for you. As the school year has started, I am away from my only family in the world the Dursley family (who live at number 12 Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey. The Surrey in England not the one in British Columbia.) As I was saying, I'm away from my relatives and I was worried that you had some sort of plan to kill them. Getting to the point, it would devastate me if you were to do anything to harm them and I'm afraid that sending me pictures of their mutilated corpses would just crush my poor little spirit.

Signed, Your Nemisis

Harry James Potter


Hope you don't mind the fact that I took the liberty of calling myself your nemisis.

Voldemort put down the letter with a sinister smile, devastate him? Crush his poor widdle spirit huh? "Lucius come here, I have a job for you."


Harry was sitting in Transfiguration class when a rather large imposing owl flew through the window and landed on his desk.

"What 'cha got here big guy?" Harry asked as he took the letter.


Number 12 was filled with muggles from the SAS having a drunken beer binge. Was that the correct house or did you perhaps make a mistake?




I don't mind you calling me your nemisis.

"We're trying to have a class here Mr. Potter," Minerva growled.

"Sorry about that Professor," Harry said with a grin. "Let me just reply to Voldemort's letter and I'll start paying attention again."

"Vold . . ." Minerva's eyes widened in shock and she was speechless just long enough for Harry to write his letter and send the owl on his way.


"Ah, a reply." Voldemort chuckled as an owl flew through the window.

Dear Tommy Tum Tum

My mistake, I mixed it up with another house that I can't mention because of a certain charm. The correct address is number four and I'd like to ask again that you refrain from harming them. They're the only family I've got and I don't know if I could recover from a loss like that.

Sincerely yours

Harry James Potter

"Lucius," Voldemort called out.

"Yes master?"

"Have you recovered from your stab wounds enough to go on another job for me?"

"Yes master."



Harry was in potions when the owl arrived with the pictures. "Heh, covered in blood is a good look for ol' Vern."

Dear Harry,

Sprit Crushed yet?



"Stop disrupting my class you bloody attention fiend," Snape screamed.

"Sorry about that Professor," Harry said. "And thanks for the support, I just found out that my relatives were murdered in a horrible fashion and without your help. My spirit would have been crushed."

"Widdle Potty family die?" Draco laughed.

"Thank you too Draco," Harry said. "Not sure what I'd have done without you."

Dear Tommy Tum Tum

I'm a bit saddened that you chose to disregard my request and yes, after seeing the pictures I could feel my spirit beginning to shatter. But then, my good friends Severus Snape and Draco Malfoy intervened, they did their best to cheer me up and I'm not sure what I'd have done without them. Yep, Draco and Severus are true friends of mine (spying on you) and without them I'd have never made it.


Harry James Potter

"Here you go boy," Harry said as he tied the letter on the owl's leg. "You were saying Professor?"

Harry waited patiently for several minutes until Snape and Draco rushed out of the room clutching their arms. "Um . . . guess we have a free period then?" Hermione ventured.

"Guess so," Harry agreed. The next letter arrived while Harry was in charms class. Harry opened the envelope to find a letter, some pictures, and a pile of dust.

Dear Harry

The dust is what's left of those two traitors, spirit crushed yet?"



"What do you have there Mate?" Ron asked.

"Early Christmas presant for you," Harry replied. "What's the thing you want most in the world?"

"Pictures of Snape and Malfoy being tortured to death?" Ron answered immediately.

"Well here you are," Harry said grandly as he presented the picture.

"Thanks Harry," Ron said. "I . . . I don't know what to say." Ron was almost in tears. "This is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me."

"No problem Ron, what are friends for." Harry pulled out a quill and began to write.


"Another letter from Harry," Voldemort said eagerly. "No doubt informing me that his spirit has been crushed."

Dear Tommy Tum Tum,

Once again I felt my spirit coming apart, my friend Ron was in tears and I was about to join him when Dumbledore came into the room. He consoled me with the one thing you can't take away from me . . . lemon drops. There are four lemon drop factories in the United Kingdom (Maps and addresses on the back) and I know you can't destroy them all. I win Tom, I win.


Harry (I win ha ha) Potter

"Can't destroy them all huh?" Voldemort laughed. "Oh Harry, you poor dumb innocent bastard. Lucius, attend me."

"You killed him master," one of the other Death Eaters said. "Because he might have been contaminated by Draco and Severus."

"Oh . . . right, you whatever your name is. Take a team and destroy all these lemon drop factories."


Harry was taking his meal in the Great Hall when Dumbledore's scream of horror let the world know that Voldemort's plan succeeded.

"That'll teach you to put me in an abusive household," Harry muttered to himself.

"What was that Harry?"

"Nothing Hermione," Harry replied. "Ah, here's another owl."

"Who do you keep getting owls from anyway?" Hermione asked suspiciously. "And why does Ron have that giant grin on his face."

"I got a new pen pal," Harry said. "And as to Ron . . . he's . . . discovering himself."

"Do you meen wanking?"

"Yup," Harry agreed. "Hmmmm."

Dear Harry,

It took some doing but I managed to destroy every lemon drop factory in the United Kingdom. In addition to that, I've destroyed most of the lemon drops available for sale. I win Potter, I win.



"Gotta admire his tenacity," Harry said to himself. "Hmmm."


"You have another letter master," one of the Death Eaters simpered.

"Let me see," the Dark Lord demanded. "It's from Harry," he said in delight. "No doubt informing me of his crushed spirit."

Dear Tommy Tum Tum

There I was, in the great hall about to burst into tears when I remembered something. Umbridge and Fudge were in the world and there's no doubt in my mind that they'll make sure you pay for all you've done. I may be feeling fragile right now but just the thought that they're in the world gives me the strength to go on.


Harry James Potter

"Oh for gods sakes," Voldemort said in exasperation. "You, go kill Fudge and Umbridge now."


Harry was enjoying a game of chess with Hermione since Ron was still giggling to himself and looking at the pictures of what remained of Draco and Snape after they'd been tortured to death when another owl came.

Dear Harry,

Ha Ha Ha, I win.

Sincerely yours,


"Hmmm," Harry looked up at Hermione. "You wouldn't happen to be interested in seeing a picture of the corpses of Umbridge and Fudge would you?"

"Do you have pictures of the corpses of Umbridge and Fudge?"

"Just happen to."

"Sure, why not."

"Here you go, gotta write my response to my pen pal."


"I've been waiting for that to arrive." Voldemort said evilly. "Let me see that letter."

Dear Tommy Tum Tum,

One thing keeps me going, one thing prevents me from ending my own life. And that's you, you and your followers. I'll kill you, kill you all. My grief has turned into rage and I'll turn that rage into your deaths. I'll probably kill myself after you're gone since you've taken everything I have to live for, but that's a worry for later.


Harry James Potter


I just realised, I do have something to live for after you die. Your gold and properties will be out of circulation forever, the only thing you can do to spoil that is to have everything willed to me and I know you'll never do that. There's nothing you can do Tom, I win, I bloody win.

"You think so huh?" Voldemort laughed. "No one beats Tommy Tum Tu . . . er, that's Lord Voldemort. BWAHAHAHAHA."


Harry was getting ready for bed when he received his final letter from Lord Voldemort AKA Tommy Tum Tum.

Last will and testimate for Lord Voldemort.

I Lord Voldemort, leave everything I own as well as everything owned by any of my minions and former minions to my nemisis Harry James Potter. I win Potter, there's nothing you can do now.

Signed by,



Hotbod (Goblin teller first class)

Lakespit (Goblin teller second class)

Deeldoe (Goblin teller third class)

AN: My version of the whole letters back and fourth story line. Not much dumber then I usually write Volde, come on the guy's an idiot, then again so is virtually everyone else in the books. You want a smart Volde, read Death of a Hero.