Gan Ning's Gym

By: Master Jin Sonata

Genre: Humor

Written: July 2007

Disclaimer: I do not own Koei, Gan Ning, or his chain of fitness centers.

Chapter 1

"There, finished!"

Gan Ning was standing in front of his new Chinese Workout Center, located in between all three kingdoms.

"Alright, Gan Ning's Gym is now open for business!" he says, flipping over the 'Closed' sign so it now read 'Open'.

Gang Ning began to feel the ground shake as he did that. He turned his head and yelled as a horde of officers and generals stampeded into the gym, running over Gan Ning in the process.

Gan Ning stood up and coughed after being trampled by the rush of new customers.

"Well, it looks as though that business will be booming today," he said, wiping the footmarks off of his clothes.

Inside his gym, many officers and soldiers from every kingdom were already making use of what the facility has to offer. Gan Ning decided to go around and see what everyone was up to.

Morning Block: Shu Side

Gan Ning was behind the counter most of the morning getting everyone registered. After the crowds around the counter had died down, he finally got his chance to check up on the newcomers.

The first area he went to was the Weight Room. The first person he saw was Guan Yu near the giant dumbbells.

"Heya, Guan Yu my man! How's it going?" Gan Ning asked, patted him on the shoulder.

"Oh, nothing much. I just came to exercise my beard," Guan Yu responded.

"Ha! That's a good one, exercising you beard. Never heard that one before," Gan Ning laughed.

"No…seriously, I'm exercising my beard," Guan Yu pointed out.

Gan Ning looks down to notice that Guan Yu's beard is doing curls with a 20-pound dumbbell.

"Um…well that's something you don't see everyday…" Gan Ning said with a nervous laugh. "Say pal, I'll let you continue with your…hair conditioning while I check upon the others," he continued, leaving the area.

He soon spotted Pang Tong doing squats with weights on his shoulders.

"Pang Tong! Of all people, I never expected you to be in a gym!" Gan Ning commented.

"Well, some of my superiors kept telling me a needed to work out more, but I insist that it's not necessary," Pang Tong says, setting down his bar.

"Heh, I don't blame them. Even strategists like you and Zhuge Liang need to get some…" Gan Ning started to say.

Before he could finish, Pang Tong took off his cloak, revealing his extremely muscular body. Gan Ning stopped and stared aghast at the sight of Pang Tong being ripped with six-pack abs and all.

"What are you two conversing about?" Zhuge Liang said as he walked over toward them. He too looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"Um…I uh…gotta go…" Gan Ning said quickly, before running from the scene.

Eventually he ended up near Liu Bei, who was on a bicycle machine, pedaling at a casual pace.

"Lord Liu Bei, fancy seeing you here! Have to stay strong to lead an entire kingdom, eh?" Gan Ning commented.

"Yes. Being in top physically shape is a must, especially on the battlefield," Liu Bei commented.

"I agree. Let's just see here how many miles you have pedaled on this machine…" Gan Ning said as he looked at the machine's indicator.

It read 347 miles.

Gan Ning's eyes almost popped out when he saw this.

"Is…that a glitch…?" Gan Ning questioned.

"Not at all. The indicator is indeed correct," Liu Bei responded.

"...You're joking, right?" Gan Ning said. Liu Bei shook his head as if to say 'nope'.

A blank look spread across Gan Ning's face.

I'm…going to go get a drink…" Gan Ning said, making his way out of the Weight Room.

Afternoon Block: Wei Side

Gan Ning was in the Juice Bar having himself a cold drink. Behind the counter was one of his employees, Xu Zhu.

"This drink is pretty good," Gan Ning said, chugging down his drink. "What's it made of?"

"Uh…it's a special blend of exotic fruits…a hint of sugar…and spring water from the bowl in the back room," Xu Zhu commented.

"I see, no wonder it taste delicious…hey, wait a minute…what do you mean spring water from the back room? The only back room I know of is the bathroom…" Gan Ning recalled, before stopping to slowly look at Xu Zhu. "Please tell me this isn't toilet water…"

"Toilet water? Duh…I guess it does make it the bathroom that I got this from…" Xu Zhu said, scratching his head.

"WHAT?!?!" Gan Ning yelled, spitting out his drink. "Oh hell no, that is GROSS man!!!"

Gan Ning immediately left the bar to go wash his mouth out with clean water.


After he had gargled about 40,000 times, Gan Ning went toward the Indoor Swimming Pool area. There, he saw Cao Cao and Zhang Liao near the shallow end of the water.

"No, no, NO! I am not getting in the water!" Cao Cao protested, shaking at the knees as Zhang Liao pressured him to get in.

"Oh come on! It's just the shallow end! The water won't even go past your knees," Zhang Liao tried to offer. "See? I'll get in first!" he continued, stepping into the water to demonstrate how safe it was.

"Well…I guess it looks okay…" Cao Cao gulped, as he slowly moved to get in himself.

Out of nowhere, Gan Ning appeared right behind him.

"Cao Cao! How's it going?" Gan Ning said, slapping Cao Cao playfully on the shoulder.

"EEEEEYAAAAAHHHH!!!!" Cao Cao screamed in surprise, causing him to long jump all the way to the deep-end. When he fell in, he frantically tried to stay afloat. "HELP! SOMEBODY! I CAN'T SWIM!!!"

"Ah crap, and I haven't hired a bodyguard yet either. Look's like I got to save him my self," Gan Ning said, quickly removing his clothes until lhe was in his shorts before jumping in.

It took a bit to rescue Cao Cao, since he wouldn't calm down when Gan Ning tried to get him to safety. When they were both out of the water, Cao Cao had passed out from swallowing too much water.

"Oh great, now I gotta perform CPR on him?" Gan Ning shuddered.

"Don't worry, I'll take care of it," said a tall hulking man from behind him. "If anyone can provide decent CPR service, its me," the man said with a grin.

It was Lu Bu.

"Uh…okay!" Gan Ning said with relief. "You take care of that while I go take me a quick shower."

With that said, Gan Ning hurried into the locker room and stepped into the shower area.

"Man, what's with all of this steam? It's so thick I can't see anything!" Gan Ning complained as he wandered through the piping hot showers.


Gan Ning stopped abruptly for he ran into somebody occupying the shower as well.

The man turned out to be Pang De.

"Sorry about that," Gan Ning said to Pang De.

"Not a problem. I see you are here to shower with the rest of us 'manly men'," Pang De said.

"Rest of you?" Gan Ning questioned.

The steam cleared a bit to reveal Dian Wei, Xiahou Dun, and Zhang He showering as well.

"…Why is Zhang He with you guys?" Gan Ning questioned.

"For your information, I am giving these men tips on how to keep their bodies beautiful and feeling good," Zhang He responded as he messaged Pang De's shoulders.

"And Zhang He's body-wash works wonders on my dry skin!" Dian Wei commented.

"Too bad it won't penetrate Pang De's hairy chest," Xiahou Dun commented, smirking.

"The other men cringe in fear of Pang De's chest hair," Pang De said to Gan Ning.

"I'm outta here," Gan Ning said quickly as he ran out of the showers as fast as he could, almost slipping on the wet floor and colliding into the lockers.

Evening Block: Wu Side

It was nearing the evening, and Gan Ning spent most of his time exercising himself. After he was finished, he went to the Multi-Purpose facility to see what was going on there.

At the Boxing Ring, Gan Ning noticed the Qiao sisters' battling each other in a quick match. Sun Ce, Lu Xun, and Ling Tong was there cheering on the girls.

"Hey, ladies! Wanna challenge a real boxing pro?" Gan Ning offered to the girls, jumping into the ring.

Both of the Qiao sisters looked at each other, and nodded.

"Sure! We'll box with you," Xiao Qiao said with an innocent smile.

"Can you take on both of us together?" Da Qiao asked.

"Ha! I'll have you know that I used to be China's Boxing Champion before I became a pirate!" Gan Ning boasted, slipping on his gloves. "Someone ring the bell so we can get this match started!"

"You got it," Lu Xun said.


Minutes Later…

"Ugh…what happened?" Gan Ning said in a daze.

Gan Ning was lying on the floor on the boxing ring with a huge black eye. He slowly sat up and shook his head.

"You got knocked out, that's what!" Sun Ce said, doubled over, laughing his butt off.

"Huh?! But I didn't see it coming!" Gan Ning protested.

"That's for sure!" Ling Tong said.

Gan Ning got up and rubbed his eye.

"Aw man, how embarrassing, gotta go put some ice on this," he said, making his way toward the Juice Bar once more.

Back at the Juice Bar, Gan Ning was sitting at the counter with an ice pack over his eye. The crowd in the gym began to die down as night approached.

It was almost time to close for the day.

"Man, what a day…and to think I have to go through this everyday…" Gan Ning said, staring at the ceiling. "Let's just hope its not as crazy as this day was…"

End of Chapter 1

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