Author's Note: And this is where The Final Cigar becomes its own identity yet again. Though it may seem rushed, it's still better than any of the shit on this webiste. I'm talking to you, over-saturated Sly/Carm writers. Readers under seventeen be warned; there is a moderately descriptive scene of a wet dream at the beginning.Enjoy your read though...motherfuckers. LAWLS.

Chapter 1: The Disease Of Herpes: La Nostra Notte Nascita De Vile Lamierina Del Dio

"Mother,who are THOSE people, in those photographs?"

"Ok, they're you,Sly Cooper, Hitler and me, now will you please shut the hell up already!!!"


Sly Cooper sat in the bathroom. Up,down,up,down,up,down,up,down. Almost there. "Sly!" a nasal voice from the outside called."Hurry up, I gotta go!" Up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down. So close, but so far away. "C'mon Sly! What are you doing in there?"Up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down. "What do you think I'm doing?" Sly thought. He quickly directed the mental traffic in his head back to Inspector Carmelita Fox. Oh yes, Inspector Carmelita Fox, yeah, that'll do it.Up,down,up,down,up,down,up,down. Sly's world of ecstasy all came to an end, he awoke from his dream.

"What-" Sly cried. Sweat drenched his sheets. Sly looked between his sheets, and once again, the nector of his hard work was once again evident."Third time this week." Sly picked up his sheets and threw them into the hamper. "I hope Murray doesn't see those again." Sly lumbered back to his bed and started to drift back. He couldn't think of Carmelita anymore, he had more important things to dream about...

Sly awoke to an orange sunrise. He saw his reptillian friend Bentley fell into his quarters.

"Sliz-zy! Inspiz-zector Sciz-zott is hiz-ere!!!" Bentley said in his faux "gangsta" code talk.

"Nigga what?" Sly asked, still rubbing his eyes after a long night of masturbation.

"Inspiz-zector Sciz-zott is hiz-ere!!!" Bentley repeated, this time ,more urgently.

"Goddamn it! Please speak English!" Sly cried.

"Sly! Inspector Scott is HERE! IN THE SAFEHOUSE!!!!!!!!!!" Bentley shrieked. Bentley stumbled over to Sly's bed as Inspector Scott walked in.

"Hi, motherfuckers." Inspector Scott said. Sly stood up causing Scott to violently flinch. "AHH!" Scott screamed shrilly. The way he screamed was almost like the way a frightened little girl who saw a mouse would scream.

"What, are you scared of me?" Sly said.He slowly climbed out of bed to face his nemisis.

"No, 'cause I'm a manly man and you're a mother fucker. Bitch." Scott said as he popped a boner, as if an imaginary person had masturbated him. Sly glared at Bentley who glanced at Murray, and they all burst out in laughter. Scott finally noticed he was getting a bonar."Goddamn it! Not again!!" Scott whined. He fished in his pocket for a tissue. He desperately needed to finish the masturbation before it was too late.

"Shut the fuck up you fucking bitch-ass-ass-fucker-mother-fucker, bitch. It's a serious medical condition!! Why, I could fucking kill all of you fucking- AHH!" Scott said, clenching his weiner as he shot his gun from his pocket into his foot.

Murray grumbled with laughter as Scott began to cry because of his injuries. Another figure walked through the door. For a split second, Sly hoped it was Carmelita. Sly's member started to go warm.

"GALAGOS IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ACK-COUGH-AUGH!!" Evil Half-Cat-Half-Human-Reverend-Galagos said as he died of a heart attack. He fell on Inspector Scott, who was crying on the ground.

"I'm gonna put him out of his misery." Sly said as he pulled the gun out of Scott's pocket and aimed at Galagos' head. He missed and shot Scott in the shoulder.

"AAHHHH!" Scott said.

"Oops.Sorry." Sly said, he turned light red under his fur temporarily.

"Can I try and kill him?" Murray asked.

"You fools!" Scott moaned. "If you kill me, I will become a monster beyond all imagining, bitches." Scott groaned.

"Let me guess,The Schlecter Gruel Beast?" Bentley asked.

"Yes." Scott said."Wait a minute. How the hell did you know?"

Sly shrugged."Lucky guess."

"Look motherfucker, you can try to kill me but what will it matter." Scott said. "Well Scotty, I-OOOOOOHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Sly screamed as Scott hit him clean in the groin."I told you I'm not some comical character, oh no, I'm Inspector Scott, bitch." Scott dug into his other pocket and started to dig around."You're gonna wish you didn't shoot me in my Goddamn shoulder,Cooper, but I guess you had to be a fucking idiot and miss." he continued to dig." Now you'll have to deal with my-" he pulled out a plastic spoon. "Spoon?" Scott looked at the spoon in amazement of how it got there and humiliation of the fact he left his switchblade in his other pair of jeans. "Fuckin' useless!!" he yelled as he slammed it to the ground. As Scott ranted, Bentley pulled out a small ray gun and shot Scott. He fell to the ground as 100,000 volts of energy coursed though his mind.

"He was defenseless Bentley!!" Sly yelled."Why did you kill him?"

"I didn't." the turtle began to explain as Scott stood up."That ray made him un-crazy and un-disturbed and it healed his wounds. He's good now."

"" he said. His usual sour expression started to turn into a grin. " The voices...the evil...voices...they're gone...THEY'RE ALL GONE!!!! YES!!! I'M FREE!!!!" Scott started to run around."I'M BACK!!! THE VOICES ARE GONE!!!!" Scott ran outside and skipped about the city.

"What was his problem?" Sly asked his companions.The trio of theives followed the deranged shizophrenic as he frolicked about in the streets. He began to sing, and skip as cars narrowly dodged him. Sly and his friends couldn't watch any longer, Scott's behavior was bordering on mentally challenged.

"Scott!!! What're ya doing?!" Sly called to his former enemy, hoping that some way he could bring him to what little sense he had,

"I'm having fun, you silly goose." Scott replied, gleefully." Whats it look like?!"

"Watch out!" Bentley yelled. Before Scott could respond, a semi-truck chrarged toward him. He didn't stand a chance. Scott was crushed into small pieces as more of his blood was squeezed out of his lifeless body.Sly was too stunned for words. He gazed at what once was Scott. A bloody slab of carcass, some of his remains were taken with the truck and the rest lay before Sly.

Bentley was the first tp say something."I..I'm speechless..he..he's gone..." Murray couldn't even bring himself to words. He just broke out in tears.Sly sat down on the pavement and looked to the heavens. "NO!!!!"


I know... how godly am I? Yes, that's right, UBER GODLY!!!!!!!!!! Next year I am killing myself. Banzai fuckers.