M/F/R?
by Alhazred

Not for Profit Work based on Transformers © Hasbro and probably others.

There was, Sam thought, absolutely nothing more satisfying in his life than lying back on the hood of his car with his girlfriend happily lying on top of him. Not that he and Mikaela had a discussion about that whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing, but it seemed like a given at that point. They'd met the giant robots together, they'd fought the evil giant robots together, and hell, they'd saved the world together. All that had to count for something.

Besides, she dumped Trent for him. For him. He remembered exactly what she said to Trent; "You're useless. Sam's not."

Granted, he didn't remember the exact words, but it didn't matter, because Sam was useful, and hearing a girl, especially this girl say that...well, it was right up there with meeting the giant robots.

Right now, Sam very much enjoyed the fact that the girl of his dreams was kissing him. While lying on top of him. With both of them on his incredibly badass car. And he thought Bumblebee was badass, not just because he was a big sentient robot, but because the guy shot up Decepticons while careening about, legless, on the back of a tow truck. That had to take some major balls. Or lubricant, as the Autobots might've said.

Sam's enjoyment turned to a kind of fear when he realized that Mikaela was on the road to doing a lot more than kissing him. That was a whole new kind of Wow that he wasn't expecting, and his mind raced at a million miles a second. Should he tell her it would be his first time? Would that just insult her intelligence, because, duh, who couldn't tell? Should he at least apologize in advance for how crappy he was going to be at this?

On the other hand, if the last few days had taught Sam Witwicky anything, it was that no victory came without sacrifice. He sacrificed the idea of satisfying his insatiable urge to talk, because it was not the time to ruin Earth's atmosphere with verbal pollution. He figured that, at the very least, any effort he made couldn't be messed up nearly as badly as the things he tried to say all the time.

Thus, he had the bright idea of taking charge and rolling on top of her, neatly placing them on the left side of Bumblebee's hood. It was also a bit overpowering, to the point where Mikaela ended up bouncing off said hood a little, which couldn't have been a good thing.

Still, before Sam could start kicking himself for messing that up, she went right back to kissing him. Perhaps it wasn't a good thing, but it certainly wasn't bad. It was even further away from bad when she yanked his shirt off and tossed it to the side, bringing back that case of the Awkwards.

Trying desperately not to think about how awkward he was being, Sam prepared to do the very same thing to her. He smiled an awkward smile, not even realizing it, only glad that she smiled up at him.

And then, Bumblebee honked.

It was loud, obnoxious, and did not totally ruin the mood, but the mood was clearly heading for ruin. Blinking once, Sam looked up from Mikaela and through the windshield, as if this would give him a view of Bumblebee's body language and not a view of what appeared to be an ordinary car's interior.

It made Sam all giddy that Mikaela had the same idea and craned her head back to get the same look. They glanced back at each other, the looks on their faces asking one question; "What's up with Bumblebee?"

As if Bumblebee could hear their thoughts, he honked again, and then he did something that was incredibly funny, but not funny at all to the two humans; he popped the hood.

When one popped the hood on a car, it was a simple non-event. When an Autobot popped their hood, well, Sam suspected that their hoods were prehensile, because it launched them clear off and onto the grass next to Bumblebee's front-left tire.

Sam's "Ooof!" was far less ceremonious then Mikaela's grunt, which didn't really suit her and was probably a product of her closet Grease Monkey status. They shared confused looks, and then looked confusingly at Bumblebee when his engine fired up and he rolled away from them. Turning in a wide circle so as not to wreck the grass, he put his back to them and gently drove about twenty feet away.

The silence was about as awkward as the foreplay had been, so Sam said the first thing that came to mind. "Uh...Bumblebee?"

In response, the Autobot pulled his hood back down with a loud impact, rolled his windows up, and turned his engine off. Sam didn't understand exactly what he was trying to say, but he had the distinct impression that he'd either been given the cold shoulder or the finger.

"Did...did I say something wrong?"

It was a stupid question and Sam knew it as soon as it was out of his mouth, because he hadn't said any words for the past several minutes. Knowing this, Mikaela chuckled and playfully slapped his bare shoulder. The action seemed to bring her to a realization, and her face contorted into an expression of horror. "Oh, god! Sam, we were going to...on top of...he was under..."

Following her train of thought, Sam let the idea reach its natural conclusion, and was similarly horrified. He didn't know what was worse: the fact that he was going to do that on top of Bumblebee or the fact that neither of them had, at any point until now, thought there would be a problem with this idea. "Oh...oh, crap. I just kinda thought his hood was a fingernail."

"A, what," she very nearly choked on the air she was breathing, "A fingernail?"

"Yeah, you know, like, his hood was just dead skin. Or, dead metal. You know," Sam waved a hand around, as if that would make it clearer. "Something that you don't have feeling on."

She didn't laugh, but she made this cute little giggling noise that was so much better, and hugged Sam around his arm. He found this particularly interesting, because his shirt was still on the ground and this only brought attention to the fact that he did not have the nice abs and big arms that Mikaela usually went for. What she said was, quite possibly, the best thing he'd ever heard in his life. "Sam...don't ever change."

Sam wondered if the amount of sit-ups Trent must've done every day made his stomach feel quite like his did right now. Still, he felt a little self-conscious, now that the mood had been ruined. He knew it wasn't possible to just get a great body, but maybe it would be worth the effort. Not just to impress Mikaela, but because he could say he'd done it, just like he could say he'd had the guts to get in the car. Hell, Captain Lennox did think of him as a soldier for a few minutes. "Maybe I should join the Marines."

It was so utterly random that Mikaela almost pulled away to give him a good stare, though she caught herself and kept her arms on him. "What?"

"Just a thought, y'know," he shrugged, "I mean, Captain Lennox thought a lot of me for some reason."

"Captain Lennox is Army," she did that giggle again.

Sam knew she delighted in sending him into fits of confusion that made him act like a retard, but he was okay with that. Who was he to tell her what she could think of as cute? "He is? I thought he was Air Force. I mean, that's why I'd join the Marines, 'cause I have to be more badass than whatever he was...I mean, not that I'd ever survive boot camp, but..."

"Nah, he's Army," she added, "The guys he was working with are Air Force. And you'd make a great Marine." She hugs him even closer, "But don't go running off anytime soon."

Completely unable to think of any appropriate response, Sam let the silence hang until it forced their attention back on Bumblebee. He bent down and grabbed his shirt, feeling that tingling in his stomach all over again when Mikaela pulls it down for him after it's over his head. "Maybe we should apologize."

They took a step towards the Camaro, and Bumblebee slid away a few inches. Sam stoped right where he was. "Aww, c'mon, Bumblebee! We're sorry, we weren't thinking."

"Or just," Mikaela started, but it was obvious that she had no idea what to say. "Not thinking clearly. Or not...thinking about being considerate. Because humans aren't always considerate, but we're working on that, really!"

In a gesture that was clearly acceptance, Bumblebee swung both doors open and inched back, his radio blaring Paula Cole's "I Don't Want to Wait."

To Sam, that was revenge. He held a hand to his face, as if looking through his fingers would blot the music out. "Oh, man...he's probably downloaded a Dawson's Creek bootleg off the Internet..."

"You think they bootleg TV?" Mikaela fixed him with a curious stare; she figured the Autobots could magically watch any TV they wanted, but Sam's idea actually made more sense. It was a little strange, though. "Wait a minute...how do you know this is the Dawson's Creek theme?"

"Uh," Sam stammered, "Well...how do you know it's the theme? I never said it was the theme, just that I bet he's watched it...let's get in the car."

They held hands as they walked, letting go only to walk around either side to the doors. Just like that, Bumblebee drove them off at a slow, relaxing pace.

He also turned his radio up.