Little Kafei Riding Hood

by taitofan

Rated PG-13 for yaoi and poly

Disclaimer: I don't own Majora's Mask, Minish Cap, or anything else Legend of Zelda related. Oh well, I like playing with them anyway. Little Red Riding Hood isn't mine either, but this twisted version is.

Author's notes: …I have this thing for perverting faerie tales… I love doing it actually. This time I wanted so have a threesome, and Little Red Riding Hood was a good candidate. I actually wrote this half a year ago, and I've never been completely happy with it no matter what I tweak, so I never bothered to put it up… But today I said screw it, it's going up! …So here it is. My OTP (and OT3) needs more love anyway. And I might mention that I know Kafei doesn't have a grandma in the games…but just go with me on it for the sake of the fic if you will.

Flames do nothing but make me laugh, although I'll listen to any CC you have. Please read, review, and enjoy! Finished 01-06-07

Once upon a time, there was a lovely young maiden named Little Red Riding Hood.

Well, actually, the maiden was a boy, and his name was Kafei. But one day his old grandmother—who always insisted he was a little girl because of his rather girlish purple haircut—had made him a red cloak to match his eyes, and his nickname had thus been born. Even his very own parents called him Little Red, and it infuriated him, to put it lightly. But he put up with it, as he knew he was smarter than the lot of them at any rate.

One day, Kafei's mother pulled her son aside and shoved a basket of food into his arms, explaining that his grandmother had fallen ill and was unable to go out to buy food. His father was the mayor and far too busy to go, and since she also had "important" business to attend to—probably drinking if he had to guess—it was up to him to travel though the woods and deliver the basket. Kafei thought it was awfully neglectful of her to send him into the woods alone, where who knew what could attack and eat him, but he reluctantly agreed. His grandmother might have caused him to carry his ridiculous nickname, but she was still family, like it or not.

Therefore, that afternoon he set out for the woods outside Termina to visit his grandmother. Of course, his mother immediately stopped him and forced the poor boy to wear his red cloak. Then with a warning to watch out for questionable characters and to stay on the path, he was off. Because, you know, wearing a bright red cloak was the perfect way to stay hidden from predators. Oh yes, his family was brilliant.

After a good half hour of traveling, Kafei got the feeling that he was being followed. He stopped and looked around, wondering if it was a person or a monster. He almost hoped it was a monster—at least those couldn't talk.

"Hello? I know someone's there, so just come out!" He heard a rather high-pitched laugh—well, in his opinion, it was really more of a giggle—from behind the thick tree line, and then someone stepped into view. Kafei's eyes widened at the familiar sight he was met with… He wasn't the only person with purple hair and red eyes in his town, oh no, so did Vaati, who'd earned the nickname the Big Bad Wind Sorcerer due to his mysterious and troublesome powers. And that was precisely who had been following him.

"Hello Red. Whatever are you doing out here? And with that basket no less?" Kafei decided right then and there to cooperate with the sorcerer. After all, he had no powers, while Vaati could blast him to bits without breaking a sweat. And as much as he hated most of the people in town and wouldn't mind never seeing them again, dying in the forest at the hands of a temperamental brat didn't seem like the most pleasant of ideas.

"Grandmother is sick, so I'm bringing her some food. I still have a ways to go, so if you don't mind…" Rather than taking the hint and being on his way, Vaati teleported closer to Kafei, a large grin set firmly on his face. The look of surprise on the cloaked boy's face made him chuckle.

"Come now Red, I won't hurt you. You're far too pretty for that…" …Was he being hit on? "If your grandmother is sick, you should bring her some herbs for tea. There's a patch right beyond the trees you know… I hear it improves eyesight as well." Normally, Kafei wouldn't have bothered to expend the extra effort, but if they could improve eyesight and make his grandmother see that he wasn't a girl… Hell yeah, he was getting some!

"Thank you Sorcerer, I'll go do that… Goodbye." Vaati watched as Kafei bounded off past the trees. Once the boy was out of sight, he laughed again and teleported away. When he rematerialized, he was right outside Kafei's grandmother's house. His plan had worked perfectly so far! He'd possessed Kafei's mother long enough to get the boy into the woods, so now he just had to get rid of one last obstacle…

He, being polite if not a bit crazy and obsessive, knocked on the door and waited for the perfectly healthy—bad eyesight not counting—grandmother opened the door. When she did so and asked what he wanted, he smiled widely.

"Good afternoon Madam. I just met up with Little Red Riding Hood in the woods, and I'll be needing the use of your house to seduce him. Would you mind stepping out for a bit?" The old woman squinted down at Vaati, seeing a mass of purple and red and not realizing that this was the so-called Big Bad Wind Sorcerer.

"You want my to borrow my house so you can seduce my granddaughter…?" He ignored the granddaughter part. Apparently, the rumors about the woman's eyes were true.

"Yes, that sounds about right." The old woman darted back into her house and returned with her shawl and her purse seconds later.

"I always knew that girl was a lesbian. Well, it's about time she found a nice girlfriend at any rate, so go right ahead Miss! I'm off to Hyrule to do some shopping!" Vaati shook his head as she hurried off, glad that Kafei wasn't as insane as the rest of his family…

"Oh well, now I wait…"

By the time Kafei had picked the herbs and gotten to the tiny house, his feet were killing him. He hoped that she was sleeping so he could rest for a while in peace…

"Grandmother!" he called out as he entered the house, "Are you awake? I'm here with some— What the hell are you doing here?" Vaati smiled as Kafei noticed him sitting on the old woman's bed.

"Why, I decided to help you out and make sure she was okay, and what do you know, she was all better! She was just leaving for Hyrule actually. I decided to stay here until you arrived so I could tell you." Kafei sighed, thinking how very like his grandmother that was, leaving just like that… Though he normally would have seen through all of the holes in the sorcerer's story, he was much too tired to care.

"Great… I might as well make some of this tea before I leave I guess… Want some?" He actually wanted an excuse to stay and rest his feet while not offending the sorcerer, but no one else needed to know that. Vaati politely declined, laughing—giggling really, it was all the same with him—mentally all the while. The herbs weren't actually sight restorers... Oh yes, his perfectly laid plans were going without a hitch!

Half an hour and three cups of drugged tea later, Kafei was giggling in a highly out-of-character manner and sprawled out on the bed beside the still smiling sorcerer. If this was what "special" tea did, Vaati couldn't wait until they were old enough to drink alcohol.


"Call me Vaati, Red." Kafei's nose wrinkled in distaste at the nickname, making Vaati wonder if the boy could possibly get any cuter.

"Then for the love of Din, call me Kafei!" When Vaati promised that he would, Kafei continued. "Did you know you have lovely eyes?" Hmm, seemed the tea made him sappy too. Vaati liked it.

"All the better to see you with my dear." Kafei giggled again and crawled closer to the sorcerer, grabbing one of his hands and bringing it to his cheek.

"Hmm, Vaati, what soft hands you have!" Vaati's hand stroked the cheek, his other hand going to Kafei's hip.

"All the better to touch you with." Then Kafei's free hand was gently tracing Vaati's pale lips…

"Oh my, what soft lips you have…" They both inched closer until there were mere centimeters between them…

"All the better to kiss you with..."

The gap was closed with those words, and Vaati's lips were upon Kafei's in a deep kiss. Neither had actually done anything like this before, but hey, what better time to learn than the present? After a few knocked teeth and bumped foreheads, they got the hang of it…

Meanwhile, as they made out, another boy Kafei and Vaati's age made his way towards the small house. He was dressed all in green with an equally green cap, and he carried a sword with him. He didn't have a blind grandmother to give him silly nicknames though, so everyone just called him by his name—Link. He'd been sent into the woods by Ezlo, Vaati's teacher, after the little sorcerer had run off again. Then he'd heard that Kafei had been seen headed towards the forest—his mother had no idea why—and thus decided to check the house in the woods.

Once he reached it, he peeked into the window to make sure the old woman wasn't sleeping or anything and gasped when he saw the two boys on the bed. Making out. With their shirts and Vaati's hat thrown to the ground. …Well, at least this explained where they were. But! Link knew both boys very well, and thus, he knew that they didn't know each other at all, and more importantly, Kafei would never do anything like that. He knew; he'd tried. It had ended with Kafei kicking him and running away.

With thoughts of mind control fueling him, Link rushed to the door and threw it open, prepared for a fight… But it never came. Mostly because they were still too busy trying to see how far their tongues would go down each other's throats to pay him any attention. The blond was determined though, and he pointed his sword at Kafei. His Picori blade had the power to break curses—he'd found that out after an unfortunate game of tag where Vaati had turned his friend Zelda to stone—so maybe it could break whatever control the sorcerer had on Kafei…

"Hee-yah!" With a spin, he sent the power of his sword flying at Kafei's back, pleased with himself as it hit the target straight on. Sure enough, the effects of the herbs were broken as the mystic power struck Kafei. Slowly, he came to his senses… Of course, it was a great shock to find himself half-naked, straddling an equally half-naked Vaati, and having his tongue shoved down said boy's throat. Link slowly counted to five, and sure enough…

"What the hell did you do to me?!" Kafei yelled, scrambling off the other boy and pointing an accusing finger at him. Vaati laid in a daze for a few moments, staring at the ceiling before he realized that Kafei was no longer on top of him. Then he sat up, took in the other boy's flushed appearance, and smiled in certain victory.

"Oh, did I forget to mention what was in those herbs? Silly me…" Kafei glared and Vaati's smile merely widened. "Come now, they only lower your inhibitions. Everything you did was your own choice; the herbs just helped you along… Think about it. Can you honestly say that you didn't like it?" Kafei opened his mouth to assured him that no, no he had not, but then he realized something very important…

Vaati looked really hot.

Taking into considering that sudden revolution was mixed with the fact that they were both still half-naked, it was only logical when Kafei gave his answer—by pouncing on Vaati and resuming their previous activities. Link, meanwhile, watched all of this with his jaw hanging open.

"…Hey, that's not fair! When I kissed you, you kicked me!" Kafei reluctantly broke the kiss and rolled his eyes.

"Then get over here." Link blinked as the couple began making out again. Approximately three seconds later, he dropped his sword with a loud thunk and ran over to the bed, already removing his tunic.

When Kafei's grandmother returned later that night—carrying several bags and no doubt several hundred rupees poorer—and found the three boys still at it, she promptly cooed about her "granddaughter" and "true loves," then kicked them out. It didn't matter to them though, as they had plans in store that would involve chocolate sauce, to which she was allergic.

So with the setting sun making the sky a beautiful mix of pinks and purples, Vaati, Kafei, and Link walked hand-in-hand back to Termina. And after a quick stop at the market, they all lived happily ever after.