Total Crack Fiction … BELIEVE IT!
Note: I don't own Naruto, yadda, yadda, yadda
The Sand sibling trio clomped away angrily from the Hokage's office.
"What's community service again?" Asked Gaara, still unsure.
Kankuro scowled and Temari growled. "Stupid reparations. Our council sent us here to 'make amends' for our helping to destroy much of Konoha."
"We better not be picking up trash!" Kankuro groaned as he looked down at the piece of paper that Tsunade had pressed into his hands. "Report to Iruka at the following address."
Temari hurumphed, "well, let's go. No need to put it off."
"It's not our community, I still don't understand." Gaara whined as he trailed his siblings.
Jiraiya bustled around the set, happy as a lark. Everyone would be here soon and his project could begin!
Pretty much everyone arrived at the same time. Just what he would expect for ninja given a 'mission'. He laughed darkly. This was going to be soooo good!
"Where's Iruka-sensei?" Sakura asked, all the others behind her looking around curiously.
Jiraiya managed to look concerned, not realizing how fake he looked. "He's got a stomach virus, had to stay home today. I've had experience with the AV equipment so they asked me to oversee this project instead.
"Yo." Kakashi waved at them all as he emerged from the back.
Nearly everyone fell over in total shock. Kakashi was still wearing his normal mask and forehead protector, but that was all except for a small white towel. A VERY small white towel.
"Kk…kick…." Hinata blushed and turned the other way.
Shino and Kiba turned to look at each other and shrugged.
Gaara ignored him completely and walked over to the set, peering at all the lovely sand. "Nice. Just the right concentration of silica and moisture. Not too dry and not wet enough to fall apart. Perfect for molding."
"Why are you naked!!!!" Sakura and Naruto screamed, their eyes bugging out.
Kakashi raised his face from his book as he sat down on the bed set in the middle of the sand. The white canopy fluttered prettily in the false breeze from the fans pointed toward the set.
"It looks like a romance novel." TenTen whispered to Lee, who was looking around totally confused.
"Exactly! Young lady, you are so brilliant. You can be on script." Jiraiya cackled and threw her a blue binder.
"This was supposed to be an educational video for the Academy. Basic ninja behavior and training." Shikamaru pointed out, looking bored. Temari eyed him appreciatively, he was looking good in his chuunin vest.
"No, no, no, no!" Jiraiya sounded jolly and happy as he bustled around, tweaking pieces of the set. "That's beginner stuff! We need to train these young minds on how to handle the real world. HEALTH EDUCATION!"
"Do you mean sex?" Naruto sputtered. "I'm so out of here." He turned to leave but found the door locked.
"No, no leaving. It's a closed set!" Jiraiya crowed. "Gaara! You like the sand, you are on props!"
Gaara grinned. "Cool! What are props?"
"Make the sand look like the actors." He was told. "Kankuro, stop trying to pick the door lock with your chakra strings! Go get behind the camera."
"It's better than picking up trash I suppose." The sand puppeteer mumbled as he headed for the large camera.
"I am NOT acting." Temari told him coldly, shooting evil glances at Kakashi.
"Fine, fine. But are you sure? Your short skirts and net pieces don't even require a trip to the costumer. Oh wait. You seem to have a good grasp of the 'look' that I'm aiming for. YOU can be the wardrobe mistress."
Temari scowled. "Don't call me that again, and fine."
Lee jumped up and down, eager to get a start on this 'mission' even though he had no clue what was going on. "oooooh! What about me! I need a job!"
"Tsk, tsk. You should all be as eager as this fine young specimen of youth! Go take care of the spotlight!"
"WOOOT!" Lee shouted, making Sakura and Ino drop their gazes.
"Now, who's my leading lady!" Jiraiya eyed each of the girls, who all took a giant step backward leaving a confused Neji standing front and center. When the Hyuuga realized what had happened, he leapt back behind them all and pushed Sakura forward in his place.
"Great! A volunteer!"
Kakashi winked at Sakura over the edge of his book as he reclined sexily on the white sheets.
"I refuse." Sakura said with as much dignity as she could muster.
"Oi! Sakura! If you do this you can see what's under the mask." Naruto whispered from the back row, so everyone could hear him.
A little intrigued, Sakura stepped toward Kakashi. "I don't know about this. How far does this video take things?"
"All the way baby! And the mask, unfortunately stays on, it's in his contract. Ooooh! Nice job on props, Gaara!"
Everyone turned to look. There in the sand was a perfect replica of both Kakashi and Sakura in every explicit detail.
Kankuro and Temari turned to look at each other in disbelief. "Gaara, where did you see that position?"
Gaara whistled and looked away as he answered. "I don't sleep, I wander the streets at night and sometimes I look through windows with my 'sand eye'."
Sakura scowled at them all, looking a bit queasy as she stared at the sand sculptures. "I quit."
"Oooh! I'll do it!" TenTen raised her hand, dropping the script which she had been reading with obvious pleasure. Her face looked flushed as she stared appreciatively at Kakashi.
Neji did a double take. "What?"
TenTen pulled down her hair from her buns. "It's not like you've been stepping up to the plate. And I've always had a bit of a crush on him anyway."
"What????" Neji pouted.
The sand gave a slight woosh as Sakura's form fell and a perfect replica of a nude TenTen took its place, the position changing.
Kakashi looked over the girl and then to the sand sculpture. She was very slight and had none of the curves of the other kunoichis. "No. Now that I think about it. This isn't such a great idea after all. I quit too."
"Awwww." Gaara whined, as the Kakashi sand sculpture dissolved too.
TenTen pouted and turned to look at the other guys. "Anyone want to take his place?"
Jiraiya jumped up and down, "Pick me! Pick me!"
Kakashi walked away from the set, wiggling his very fine hard ass as he left.
"You're the director, you can't act!"
"Clint Eastwood does!"
"SIT, you old pervert." Naruto and Sakura pushed the toad hermit into a chair and Temari helped them tie him down.
"Neji?" TenTen asked seductively.
"No." Neji turned away and pouted. "You wanted Kakashi? Fine."
"Spoil sport." TenTen frowned at him then looked around at the other shinobi. Lee was fairly bursting with energy with his hand in the air. Shikamaru looked bored. Chouji was sitting down in a corner and eating popcorn as he watched everyone with glee. Neji was pouting and Shino looked unapproachable, as usual. Kiba was avoiding her gaze and trying to hide behind Akamaru.
"Kankuro, step up to the plate sir!" Jiraiya called out. "It's perfect, he doesn't even need any make-up!"
Temari looked over at the older man, appalled. "We should have gagged him too."
Kankuro's eyes widened, then a very evil grin spread across his face. "Now THIS is community service!"
A life like sand sculpture of Kankuro began to appear behind the one of TenTen as she was bending down. TenTen looked at the sculpture and grabbed her mouth, running for the bathroom.
"Er. I think she just quit too." Naruto told them as sounds of retching reached them all.
Kankuro stared at his sand sculpture. "Uhm, Gaara, that's not right. I'm much bigger than that."
"No you're not." Gaara said simply.
"Yes I am!"
Temari clocked Kankuro on the back of the head.
"We need a new girl!" Jiraiya eyed the remaining women.
Ino stared him down and crossed her arms. "You even look in my direction and your death will be swift, messy, and painful."
Jiraiya frowned. "No, this isn't a fetish film. I'll hold you out for the next one though!"
"I'll do it." Hinata said, eager to help although she was a bit confused on what was going on.
"Alright!" Kankuro howled happily as the sand began to reshape itself into the busty purple haired girl.
"She quits." Shino intoned darkly and pulled the girl away. Then he, Kiba and Akamaru formed a circle around their teammate and snarled at anyone who tried to get near her.
"I'll do it!"
Kankuro stopped cold as he turned to look ….at Lee. "What the fuck?"
Gaara's sand started to mold itself, and then stopped. "What? No. I so don't think so."
"I quit." Kankuro howled as Lee whooped and ran circles around him.
Jiraiya started to cry. "My project …my beautiful project … this mission is going to fail!"
"No it won't. Roll camera. I'll do it."
Everyone turned in shock as Temari walked forward. Lee screamed with joy until she knocked him out. "Not with you."
With that, she grabbed a certain lazy chuunin and threw him down on the bed to have her wicked, wicked, way with him.
Gaara stared. "I quit."
Jiraiya was reviewing the film. "Er. Kankuro? Why is everything out of focus and dark? Why does this shot point the camera to the ceiling?"
Kankuro whined and looked at him. "Dude! That was my sister. Like I needed to see that. I'm scarred for life as it is."
Jiraiya sighed and shook his head sadly. "We'll just have to start over tomorrow."
That was when the door was flung open and a fuming Tsunade followed by a very irate Iruka came through the door.
"Jiraiya? Why did you knock out Iruka leave him tied up? What the fuck is going on here?"
"Time to go." Jiraiya took off for parts unknown.
"JIRAIYA!" Tsunade screamed after his departing form. "Iruka! Go after him, see where he goes! Iruka?"
She turned to look at Iruka, only to find him staring at the couple on the bed.
Temari, wrapped in a sheet, was smoking a cigarette and smirking at them with a glazed look.
Shikamaru was bare as the day he was born and tied spread eagle on the bed. He looked dazed too, and couldn't seem to stop smiling.
Done. And yes, they are out of character. But that's kinda the point in crack fiction, right?