Chapter 11
Thickening the Air I Breathe


I didn't think the holidays would suck so much. Kyle left without saying a word. I just watched him drive away from me and I didn't do anything to stop him. If this is how it's supposed to be I guess I can't meddle with it- but I just can't leave it alone.

I'm going crazy being here alone. The word of my parents divorce got out and in a small town like this people look down on you and talk in hushed voices as you walk past them. The only thing I can think as I brush past the icy taunts is, 'where is Kyle when I need him?'

I've complicated Kyle's life by falling for him.

I've complicated Wendy's life by just being with her.

I've realized that by January this charade will have been going on for five months and I also have realized the copious amounts of stress that has been shoved into my arms in that short time as well.

I haven't given up yet- no not in the slightest.

However, as I thought over the break I came up with a revelation. Throughout ones lifetime we are given the number one. You are only given the important things once. One heart, one love and one soul mate- I am sure that I have fulfilled my life's one in this short amount of time but I am not saddened. In fact I am enlightened.

However, this enlightenment is two-sided. One side is a blessing while the other side taunts me with what I cannot touch. I am happy to be blessed with such a heart in love with someone so dearly- my soul mate, but I have to remember that my "one" isn't always "one" with another.

So that's it. I only have one… one life one love one family and one confession…one. Yes I have made things complicated but within that I have grown to understand it. I can now live knowing why Kyle did those things, and why he doesn't love me… but more importantly why I still love him.

I'm Stan Marsh, and that's my revelation.


Stan hardly left his room. It remained dark for most parts of the day and he did nothing but sleep and try to get away from it all. It was now two days past Christmas and Stan hadn't received a single phone call from Kyle. All his phone calls consisted him hanging up on Cartman and somehow managing to persuade Wendy from not coming over.

He was crazy. He couldn't spend one minute without thinking about Kyle and what the break could have been with him around. He would have made Kyle feel loved and wanted and would have made sure he had no doubts of his own feeling.

Even though Kyle always confused him he was almost certain that Kyle was scared and that his feelings were genuine- that he meant the things he said and did, even from the very start. The more Stan thought out this 'very start' aspect the more he thought about the past several months. All the kisses, the flirty and the playing hard to get were now coming clear to Stan as he lay on his bed tangled in an array of sheet and blanket.

All his bad thoughts of himself seemed to drift away and he felt as if Kyle was planning something for him- that at any moment he was going to get a call to look out his window and he'd be standing there waiting for him to come down. At least that's what he kept telling himself during all hours of the day.

He looked over onto his floor at the untidy mess that was a sea of guilt and scandalous strides for affection. Each half-opened gift from his parents was bigger than the one that preceded it. Stan's father tried to outdo his mother by getting him more expensive gifts than the ones that he thought Sharon was going to buy. He knew his parents were trying to buy his love so even though he loved some of the gifts that he got he left them untouched for his own sake.

Stan didn't receive a gift from any of his friends and not one from his sister, who called for five minutes on Christmas day. She didn't come home because she would rather be with a fake family than the one God gave her.

Stan didn't want to leave his room and visit friends from school over the holidays. He hated to admit it but the only person worthwhile visiting was Kyle- and only Kyle. He was having a hard time keeping Wendy away as well. He didn't want to see her anymore but she continued to call to ask him to really think about what he did.

It was typical and he knew it. As soon as he stopped paying attention to her when she has no one else to run to she can't leave him alone- but regardless he just couldn't be bothered.

For Stan, Christmas holiday's consisted of hiding and pretending not to live the lie and life he was currently in between. However, his days would have been slightly better if he had known the stress that last conversation had put on Kyle, and how badly Kyle just wanted to go home and see him.

Kyle wasn't able to get rest. When he slept he dreamed about any time he spent with Stan and while he was awake and wished he was sleeping. He couldn't be bothered with visiting family or even the several days of gifs he was receiving.

Everyday Kyle would take out a notebook and write feverishly in it. Scratching and scribbling looking nervously around to make sure no one was reading what he was pouring out onto the paper.

They were notes upon notes where Kyle attempted to do himself justice for acting the way he did, however each note would end up being shredded and tossed to become recycled paper.

Ike had noticed this detachment and one was really bored. He asked Kyle what was wrong and Kyle decided to tell him a slightly different story.

"I have this friend," he started and Ike nodded knowingly. "And he really likes this gu-irl… this girl." Kyle told him frantically trying to correct himself.

"The classic guy likes girl- girl hates boy syndrome- you see it all the time" Ike replied like it was easy knowledge.

"No, not exactly" Kyle said and regained Ike's interest tenfold. "She likes him- a lot. In fact she would go as far as telling him that she loves him."

"So both parties are in like with each other- but they are too afraid to start anything. That is also a classic syndrome- I call it repellent complex." Ike rambled like a psychiatrist. "It's when both parties like one another and have admitted it to everyone but the person they like. Together they are like two positive magnets and repel each other. It's simple really: one person needs to speak their mind."

"Again that's not it. This guy and this girl are mostly aware of the feelings and if fact have shared moments together- but the guy is stupid and he did things before that will make this relationship fail… and he knows it, but he can't stop thinking about … her"

"Well, in my experience (and I say this because I have none) what you have to do is STOP BEATING AROUND THE BUSH- get straight to the point. Tell her what your malfunction is so you two can figure this out. If she truly does love you than anything you do she will get over because of that fact. Firstly, forgive yourself for whatever you did and then talk to this girl – face-to-face – about it. If you guys have a good thing don't let guilt get in the way…" Ike finished and then averted his eyes to the table where dinner was being set. "So stop being a pansy and get some courage…" He stood while Kyle stared dumbfounded. When did his brother become so astute?

"By the way Kyle," Ike began to ask. "Would this 'she' of yours happen to be "s"less?" Kyle looked quizzically at him. "You know… a he?"

"Keep talking Ike, one of these days you're going to get it." Kyle replied feeling flustered but not wanting to lose his cool and let his younger half-brother win.


Five months have gone by and all I have a sore head and sick stomach. The starting of the new semester didn't bring us closer together but, as we both predicted, it brought us father apart. On the outside we would act like the best of friends, but on the inside we'd both clawed and desire to climb into a dark hole and hide from each other.

Now, the one question I have to ask myself- whom do I choose? Who do I try for? Can I really make Kyle like me – can I really make myself like Wendy again? I just don't know what to do…

It's hard to say when things went wrong. Possibly that stupid dance that I knew I should have skipped. I wish I hadn't gone- nothing could be worst than this… nothing. Kyle hates me, Wendy hates me and Cartman wont leave me the fuck alone.

The more I think of the past five months, I can't help but to pin point the problems. Like that dance for instance, the guys' night in watching wrestling, the trip to New York, inviting Kyle over was the worst. Dude, I've really screwed things up for myself hardcore.

Kyle won't talk to me outside school anymore. I know he liked it- I just- don't know what to do anymore. I've complicated everything; in just five months I've screwed it all up. I'll be alone forever, now that I think about it… I'm- in love with-


Kyle didn't want to speak with Stan yet. Every time he tried he got tongue-tied and had to leave. He needed more time to think about what he had done. He had written page upon page of apologies that met the same fate as the paper before to the shredder over and over.

Kyle began at step one. He forgave himself.

He began to think logically about the situation and each situation where he and Stan ever shared a moment. The moment he forgave himself was the moment he was able to think clearly and write. The words began to flow and sooner than he imagined- the perfect note was written. He shoved the paper into and envelope and addressed it to Stan Marsh.

For several days the letter sat on his desk collecting dust. He felt insecure again and didn't want to give something away that he was still unsure about. Kyle would spend hours sitting at his desk staring at the letter waiting for his courage to take hold of him and deliver the letter.

On a snowy day Kyle found himself walking to Stan's house, the letter in his knapsack. He hadn't planned on going but it seemed that it was the direction in which his feet were taking him. The sidewalk to Stan's door was laden with a white carpet of fluffy pure snow. There were no impurities and no footprints. Kyle thought that it might be a shame to ruin such a serine picture.

Kyle sighed heavily and squeezed the note. He walked down the untouched path and dropped the note into the mailbox. For moments he held down the lid debating whether to leave it. In the end he let his hand slid off the black metal and allowed himself to turn and leave. Kyle felt light- he felt as if he had lifted a burden off his shoulders. He had to wait until tomorrow evening to go to Starks pond. He was just hoping that Stan would show up now that he knows the full truth.

Dear Stan,

I'm sorry. I never knew you kept something like this. For so long I just brushed it off as if it were childish and pathetic. But it's opened my eyes, made me see what you've been going through and I never imagined it was anything like this. I never knew you felt the way you do about anything. About your parents, school… or me. I don't know how you've managed to go to school and deal with all these problems.

I don't know what it is that we have or why, Stan, but I think I want to learn more about it.

Here's the thing. I used you and played you but only because I knew you were vulnerable and I know you liked me. From that day I kissed you as a joke- as a way of making you lighten up… I just knew it. It was this knowledge that made me go further- you liked me more than you ever did anyone and it was because of me. If I hadn't kissed you, you'd still be goo, goo eyed for Wendy. I just didn't want to let that feeling go- that power I had over you.

It was me, it's never me and for once I could have someone completely under my thumb and I didn't want to let it go, so I led you on to the point where I felt… bad but it was too late, and I… need you to meet me at Starks pond on Thursday, and come alone.

Kyle


"Starks Pond" Stan said quietly and he could see the place forming in his mind. The dead trees sticking twisted through the snowy ground. He crumpled the paper and tossed it into the trash. "How could I have been so stupid" he thought to himself. He knew that Kyle was acting strange and those times he said he was sorry and that he didn't feel right this is what he was talking about.

Biting his lip he looked towards the trash, the paper slightly unfolding out of its ball. "Starks Pond…" he thought slightly and then shook his head. He shouldn't have to go and hear what Kyle has to say when he can read it and get the full picture.

"I can always call Wendy" he thought looking towards his phone. It was a decent way of distracting himself, not for the better but it would at least keep him mind off Kyle. Closing his eyes Stan imagined his way to Starks Pond and waiting for Kyle. He shook the thoughts out of his head.

He was mad at Kyle, not in love with him anymore. He hated him because he used him and in the process… realized that he too, liked him as well. Stan smiled lightly but then frowned. The note didn't actually say that he liked him- it said that he felt bad. This made Stan frown even further. What if Kyle only wants a sympathy fest and then decides that they are ready to be friends again. Would Stan be able to handle that again?

It was Thursday evening. Kyle hadn't given a specific time to be there so Stan figured he wasn't going to show up. However the more Stan sat in his computer chair glancing at the note and the more he thought up scenarios the more he wanted to up and leave and find Kyle.

Stan couldn't take it anymore: the thoughts, the ideas or the silence that was intruding on his mind. He walked through the lightly dusting snow to where he was hoping Kyle was waiting for him.

Starks Pond was a blanket of white. He saw a shadowy figure sitting by the water and his heart began to race thinking that his idea to sort this out suddenly seemed like a bad one. His feet would not listen, however, they kept walking to the hunched figure that slowly made shape to be Kyle. He looked up and stared deep into Stan's eyes. Stan swallowed waiting for him to speak but nothing came out.

Stan remained silent as he took a seat beside him waiting for him to say something- anything- about the note, but nothing came- only the tossing of a rock onto the frozen pond.

After several minutes of silence, Kyle looked at Stan. "I hope you don't mind waiting for me."

"I don't" Stan replied pleasantly.

"Why?"

"Cause I love you…" he told him without thinking and then he began to be honest with not only Kyle, but also himself. "I think I always have and I know I always will. I don't care how embarrassed you get- I don't care how much Cartman rips on me, and I don't care that you used me to eventually feel something that you hadn't planned on- it's just the truth. You're my soul mate- and if I wait forever for you to realize it. I guess that's how it's going to be. I'll wait for you… forever."

There was silence.

"But unlike you Kyle, I'm not going to give up on you like you gave up on me when you do something stupid… one day you'll figure that out…"

"Stan… I didn't bring you here to shut you down and I didn't bring you here to tell you I hate you. I brought you here to tell you- I understand. I know what you mean about having soul mates. Because I too have a soul mate…"

Stan looked at him sadly but with boldness. "So what's this soul mate like?"

"A very special person, who has always been there for me- sometimes this person is a jerk to me too but we've always gotten over it. We've done everything together- and when I say everything I mean pretty much everything- and I can't say that I've hated a single thing that we did together… this person is perfect… and it took me forever to realize it. I think it took my selfishness to realize it- I know who I will love for the rest of my life regardless of how it turns out."

Stan raised an eyebrow… "This person sounds awfully familiar to my soul mate…"

"Does it?" Kyle gave a half-hearted smile, still feeling awful for what he had put Stan through.

"Yes… very much so." Stan let a smile spread across his face not knowing where this playful banter was coming from or where it was going.

"I love you…" Kyle said sharply looking into Stan's eyes and his smile faded. His heart skipped a few beats and he felt his breath shake as it passed by his lips.

"I…" Time seemed to be going slow. The movement of Kyle's hand to his cheeks seemed to take a decade.

"I love you, Stan Marsh," he repeated. "You've made me realize what a soul mate is and that you are it," he pressed his lips against Stan's slightly parted ones for a long, lingering kiss full of passion.

When he leaned out of it, Stan was still staring blankly at Kyle's burning eyes not recognizing this as reality. He felt so much wonderment that his body felt like it was floating. He gave a grin and flung himself into Kyle, aggressively pushing his lips back onto Kyle's as both boys toppled over into the light layer of snow. is h

So maybe I won't be alone forever; but no matter how I think about it, I'm in love with Kyle Broflovski.


Aloha… well that is the end of this story. :) it was a chapter longer than I had expected it to be… so yea. Leave a review please?? Let me know what you thought of it? Cheesy ending… yea, probably but if it ended badly how many of you would have hated me?

Peace,
BMB