As far as I knew, my life pretty much had been planned out for me since I've been born. I had a destiny.
I was introduced to my fiancée when I turned sixteen. He was older than me (four years to be exact), and much more mature than all the other boys I knew.
I was struggling with 11th grade math while he was preparing to go to college; I drank orange juice for breakfast and he loved his coffee black; he had his own job and I did chores to earn my money.
Our parents were long-time friends and had supposedly arranged our engagement since the day I was born. Of course, when we learned of it, the both of us were upset and refused to acknowledge it at first.
Then as our lives went on, we spent days together, went on dinner dates, and we practically watched each other grow up and unfold into adults. Then, he told me that he fell in love with me.
It happened when I turned twenty. He pulled me aside at my birthday dinner our parents had for me at his house. I couldn't help but notice that his hands were soft in mine and his face was glowing. Tora lead me to the kitchen and sat me down across from him.
"Kagome," he began, his voice as soft as his hands and his eyes. "I know when we first met and we learned that we were engaged, I acted like a total asshole. I wouldn't talk to you or look at you; I wouldn't even acknowledge your existence. Heh, I remember the time when I first warmed up to you. It was a few months later and you spilled coffee all over me because I called you a 'stupid little girl'."
We both laughed for a moment, and I urged him to continue. He did so, eagerly.
"And… I don't know. I suppose that's when I realized that you were something special. I enjoyed being around you and getting to know you throughout the past couple of years. And I know that, right now, at this exact moment, I can honestly say that you have my heart."
He held my hands and stared deeply into my eyes, and I knew, from the bottom of his heart, he meant those words.
"I love you, Kagome," he told me.
Tora smiled and kissed me gently. After our kiss, I smiled back, but I didn't tell him how I felt. I knew for sure that I loved him, but not the way he felt about me.
For a while, I suspected that he felt more than he should've, but I didn't voice out my thoughts. I guess, deep down, I just wished that he would find some girl, defy our parents' wishes, and not marry me, but then everything took a 180 spin with his confession of love.
I didn't want this, but I had to pretend that I did.
As I look back, I think I did a pretty good job. Even I fooled myself sometimes, but that couldn't change what I knew I was feeling deep down inside.
I knew that Tora wasn't the one for me. I couldn't love him unconditionally, and I tried to, but it just didn't… click.
But I couldn't lie to my heart's calling.
Throughout the three years, I lied. I told him I loved him and I couldn't wait to marry him. I had to try and convince myself, and everyone else around us that what I was saying was true, and that he and I would live happily ever after.
He told me the same thing, and he loved talking about having children. Sometime ago, I had actually accepted the fact that I would be with Tora for the rest of my life, but that didn't last very long. I wasn't one to settle with anything less than what I truly desired. My feelings did not change.
Unfortunately I was stuck. My father had wished for it, and my mother loved Tora as if he was her own son.
I could never leave him. I just couldn't. My conscience just wouldn't take it.
I couldn't break the heart of a man who was willing to follow the Earth's end just to be with me. It wasn't human.
Then, I met him.
It was an accident, and at times, I wish I had never met him! But I did. And those other times, when I'd think good thoughts about Inuyasha… I wonder what it would be like if I did choose him. If I let him kiss me, hold me, have his way with me in the hotel room that one night.
If I let myself fall in love with him.
But it wouldn't work. I had a fiancée, someone destined to marry me since the day I was born. He loved me and, despite the lies and mixed feelings, I was happy. I couldn't let this seductive young man ruin it all. I put on my "gaga" eyes for Tora and continued the ruse I created.
Inuyasha Takahashi was the vice president of Inu Enterprises and, not to mention, the soon-to-be ex CEO's youngest son.
I was just a mere daughter of a fisherman-turned-CEO after he got lucky and helped build a business with his best friend.
To the media, Inuyasha is just a moneymaking object. His face is plastered all over newspapers and tabloids, along with the hit magazine Japan's Most Wanted.
He seemed promiscuous, rude, and a total snob, but in truth, he wasn't.
Inuyasha was just like any other man, except he didn't know who to trust in a world full of bullshit and lies. He was just on a quest for love even if he didn't know it himself, and he didn't know whether it was out there for him or not.
Women have a thing for men like Inuyasha, but he's told me many times, that he has a thing for me. It started when he helped me when I fell, and he was such a gentleman about it. I couldn't stop blushing.
The both of us got to talking and we found that we had a lot in common. We both like green skittles and were very fond of Italian cuisine. The two of us hate shopping on certain occasions, and we absolutely love the outdoors.
We just sort of… clicked. Nothing I have ever felt before.
Like two peas in a pod, Inuyasha and I began to get close. And, soon enough, it became too close for comfort. I never pulled away though.
I also have never kissed a man other than Tora, but then I met Inuyasha. His kiss was like fire. It consumed me and I could feel the heat and passion down to my toes. I have never experienced that before, and once it ended… I found myself craving for the taste of his lips.
But I knew I shouldn't.
I remember when I told him all our rendezvous adventures of fun and secrecy had to stop. It was raining, and I love the rain. But I hated it on this particular day.
After many deep thoughts and a couple of sleepless nights, I figured it was time to tell Inuyasha what I thought was best.
But it sure has hell wasn't what I wanted. But I had to lie to him and convince him that this wouldn't work out.
Luckily, I bumped right into him when he came out of his father's office, and we went to go get a cup of coffee. That's when I said, straight out and without hesitation, "Inuyasha, I can't be with you." The words were cold and lifeless, but I knew they got through to him. It was the second time I told him.
He looked at me and I could it in his eyes that his heart was breaking. I knew that he fell in love with me. Just call it a women's intuition.
Honestly, I didn't want him to be in love with me. Women would kill for him to take a second glance at him, let alone capture his heart.
But I didn't mean for it to happen.
He was just someone I could confide in and talk to about silly things without feeling like a complete idiot. I suppose Inuyasha understood me, and I needed that feeling of reassurance more than I had ever realized.
Then I got up and walked out the doors of the coffee shop, hoping that Inuyasha would suddenly walk out of my life. It took all of my strength to not go back.
Everything was okay after I stayed away from Inuyasha. I took a visit to the States shortly after, and remained there for a couple of months. I really needed time to myself, and time to forget about him. The attraction I had for him had to stop, and it had to stop fast.
I was getting married in five months.
But then, everything took an upside down turn, just like in a bad soap opera.
The first day I came back into Japan, I did something I promised I wouldn't do. I called Inuyasha. I shouldn't have done it. I left Japan to forget about him…. But I just couldn't help it.
Truthfully, I think I made up an excuse for myself to start talking to him again. Anything that would make me hear his voice again.
I was in tears when I called.
"Inuyasha," I whispered, when he picked up his phone. He groaned in response and groggily asked 'who the hell' I was and 'why the fuck' am I calling so late. As soon as I said my name and I whimpered, Inuyasha suddenly became wide awake.
"Kagome!" He screamed. I could practically taste the happiness and worried tone in his voice. "What's wrong? Are you all right?" Inuyasha asked me a million questions in two breathes.
"I'm fine, Inuyasha. I just needed someone to talk to."
He hesitated and I heard him shift right side up in his bed. "But… why me? Why not one of your girlfriends, Sango, or something?" I could tell Inuyasha was trying to control his anger.
It was true. I could've called Sango, my best friend since high school and into college. It would've be the right thing to do. I didn't give her a second thought about it. I wanted Inuyasha.
I knew I shouldn't… But I did anyway.
"Because… I missed you," I told him truthfully.
"I haven't heard from you in over five months, Kagome!" Inuyasha continued. My heart grew heavier at every word. "I'm not some dog you can order around whenever you want. I have goddamn feelings too, you know!"
I held my breath when I heard him take an exasperated gasp. We stayed quiet over the phone before his anger disappeared, and he started asking me questions, like how I was doing, how was my family, was I eating healthy, just questions that showed that he cared.
Eventually, our ten minutes on the phone turned into a half hour, then two hours, then three, then five, and—before we knew it—the sun had risen.
"I've got work in a couple of hours, so I'm going to let you go," Inuyasha said. I didn't want him to leave, but I understood.
"When can I see you again?" I asked, my voice hopeful and squeaky. I needed to see him. I had to see him. I knew if I did, I'd feel so much better, and I had a strong feeling that Inuyasha would too.
I could practically hear him smirk, and my lips grew a smile. "Well, today, if you're going to IE. Or, if not, I can meet you at—"
"—the coffee shop," He and I said in unison. My smile was wide.
At two o'clock in the afternoon, I saw Inuyasha again, for the first time, in a long time. He still had the same hard, stoic, beautiful face and his long, soft, black hair didn't change at all. His smile—oh, I missed it so much.
I missed him and, if there was any expression as to how much, it was more than life, itself.
Soon, that short lunch break for him ended, and he had to go back to work. He promised he'd call me later and, at six o'clock, he did.
I knew where this was going, and the back of my mind told me to stay away from Inuyasha and that he was no good. I didn't care what my conscience told me.
"Yeah," I said, my voice cracked.
"Pick you up in ten." Then he hung up and I got dressed.
Tora was out at a business meeting, and he said he'd get back at nine, so I wasn't worried about him being suspicious. Besides, I wasn't cheating on him, and I wasn't planning to. I just needed to escape and Inuyasha could help me do it.
But he didn't need to know that, that was all that I wanted.
Besides… I missed Inuyasha. I just did, and I didn't know why.
I knew I couldn't let my forbidden attraction to him get out of control. Inuyasha and I had our limits, and it would cost everything if they were crossed.
Inuyasha took me out to a nice French restaurant. We were seated outside and under the moonlight. It was deeply romantic, and I couldn't help but think about the 'what if's and stuff like that. I don't know, maybe it was the champagne that was making me think of days with Inuyasha.
…And, you want to know the worst part? The dinner, our talks, laughs, everything… turned out to be great. And when something like that starts off great, it ends really, really, really bad.
I just hoped that everything turned out for the better, and I ignored the philosophy of catastrophic drama. I needed this right now, and I wasn't going to let anything stop me.
Maybe it was lust, or the wanting of passion and danger—whatever it was, it lead to more coffee dates, lunch dates, and dinner dates.
And, shortly after a month, those innocent little dates turned into occasional sleepovers at his house, along with trips to the mailroom at the company that were based on forbidden kisses. Even his office held secrets that only he and I knew.
It got serious, and it happened so fast. I didn't expect it and I didn't plan it. It just happened.
Of course, I only saw Inuyasha when Tora was busy or at work or out of town.
Inuyasha knew that I could only see him after I had dealt with Tora. He bottled up his feelings and would try to avoid the subject, especially when I had to cancel on such short notices.
The fact that he and I were sneaking around made him furious. We've been having an affair (a non-sex one, by the way) for three months when Inuyasha let all of feelings out.
It happened after I had canceled our dinner date (for the tenth time), because Tora came home early from a short business trip from the States. As always, Inuyasha was upset, and hung up right in the middle of my apology.
Heavy heartedly, I lied to Tora and told him Sango needed my help for night because she and her husband, Miroku, were having problems again.
He told me to take as much time as I needed and to call him if I needed him.
As soon as I walked out the door and drove away, I had to swallow down the gulp of guilt. My wedding was in two months, and here I was: sneaking around, and practically committing adultery!
What kind of a person am I?
I already had all the bridesmaid's gowns picked out and my white dress was being made especially for me.
How could I have done this? Why?
You know why. It's because you don't want to marry him. You don't love him.
I didn't know what bothered me more: the fact that my conscience was trying to play tricks on me and get me confused, or the thought of my conscience being totally right.
It was the devil and angel on either side of my shoulders.
It was either Inuyasha and an unknown future that we'd make up together, or it was Tora, my family's wishes, and a lifetime of 'assured' happiness.
I couldn't have both. I wanted both, but for totally different reasons. It was a matter of the heart and a matter of loyalty. It was between this and that, and I was completely mixed up about it.
I tried not to think about it and I just focused on seeing Inuyasha. He sounded really pissed on the phone, and I didn't want him to take my cancellation the wrong way.
With the key that he had given me, I entered his luxurious apartment and stormed outside, and into the garden. I knew he'd be there. He told me that he loved the smell and atmosphere of the flowers and plants. It made him feel at peace. Sometimes when I slept over, we would sleep outside and under the stars.
I walked out and he turned away once he saw me. "What do you want?" he asked. He tried to play it cool and casual, but I could see right through him. His voice cracked and it sounded heavy.
"Can we talk about it, Inuyasha? Please? I know you're upset about our plans being cancelled, but it's not my fault. Tora came back early and I had no idea—"
"There's nothing to fucking talk about, Kagome," Inuyasha interrupted, anger in his voice rising. "Just go back to your fucking little fiancée, and leave me the hell alone."
"What if I don't want to?" I asked. "What if I want to stay here?"
He gave a sarcastic laugh. "Why would you want to do that, huh? Tora is back, why don't you go back into his arms, and stop coming over here to see me? You tell me all the time how wrong this is, and what you're doing isn't any good. So why the fuck are you here?"
I couldn't see most of his face, but I could see something glisten in the dim light above us. It traveled slowly down his cheek and continued down his immaculate neck. It was then that I realized that they were tears.
Inuyasha was crying.
"Because I wanted to see you and make sure you're okay." I took a step closer with every word, and, before long, I was holding onto him, squeezing him. I was so scared of letting him go. He didn't embrace me. "Please, Inuyasha…"
"You can't keep doing this to me. It's either me or him, and you're going to have to choose, sooner or later, and whether you like it or not." His words dug into me like a dagger. It was true. I was going to have to make a decision one day. I will have to choose the angel or the devil.
I sucked in a breath and stayed silent. The only sound was the echoes of our breaths and the beating of our hearts. Before I knew it, he escaped from my grasp and held me away at arms length.
"You know, it's kind of funny… Here I am, a man said to have no heart at all, and no respect for any women, stuck in the middle of a one-sided affair and crying like a fucking pussy. Sometimes, I wonder, why I care for you so much.
"I'd follow you to the end's earth, just to hear your voice. Hell, I'd even go into a drugstore and buy you your goddamn tampons, if you'd ask me too. I'd give up my bachelorhood, my reputation, everything, just to be with you. I'd be willing to give you my last name. But you don't understand, do you?
"You think this is all a big joke, huh? Using me like a fucking dog. Heh, maybe I deserve it. Maybe you were just something I can never have. You are so goddamn precious to me that, sometimes, I think the pain could kill me. Karma is a fucking bitch, and it's ruining my life."
I stared at him in disbelief. My shock didn't allow me to speak. He took a breath before he continued.
"I am so much in love with you, Kagome. It's driving me crazy."
He did it. He said it. He loves me. I knew he did, but he never told me.
Suddenly, my body became hot and I didn't know how to react. This new feeling washed over me like a hurricane, and, before I knew what I was doing, I embraced him, and I kissed away his tears. He grabbed my face in his hands, and gently caressed my cheeks before pressing his lips to mine. The kiss started off passionate and sweet-tempered, leading to clothes being taken off, sweat between the heat of our bodies, gentle touches and soft moans, while the flowers of the garden watched and listened.
Inuyasha made sweet love to me, for the first time. My first time. He was compassionate with me, whispering to me, and placing juicy kisses all over my fragile body.
He moved over me like water, and we both knew that he could break me in a second. But, we also both knew that he wouldn't.
Inuyasha moaned softly in my ear, and then there was a sudden pain within me. It was sharp, like a forged knife within me. When Inuyasha moves, the blade moves within me as well, and soon, it reaches its crown and spreads inside of me and interacts with the very core of my being, and becomes a wordless pleasure.
I scream and bite his shoulder, and he bleeds.
We stay there, tangled in each other's arms with the only sources of heat are our bodies clung together, till the early morning. He picks me up and lays me on the living room couch before he goes to take a shower.
I'm gone before he even washes his hair.
Luckily, when I arrive home, Tora isn't there but he left a note, explaining that he had scheduled a lunch date for the two of us.
I take a shower and try to wash away the guilt I'm feeling. It doesn't work. I stayed in the shower for a good two hours, trying to rationalize the act of love Inuyasha and I committed. I do not regret it.
I meet Tora for our lunch date and he has a surprise for me. He hands me a velvet box, almost six inches long.
Dumbfounded, I open it and there's a beautiful, golden necklace. The chain is delicate and beautiful, along with the crescent moon hanging from it.
Look on the back, he tells me. I do, and I gasp.
It's forever, the engraved, cursive writing says. Tora puts it on me, and I'm crying.
He thinks it's from happiness, but I can't help but think about how the color of this necklace looks just like Inuyasha's eyes in the moonlight.
He takes me home, and, for the first time, Tora and I consummated our engagement. He's gentle and passionate, but it's nothing like Inuyasha. I'm almost lifeless in his arms, but he thinks it's because I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I go along with it because I know he wants it. My guilt gives in.
Tora doesn't make me come, and, now, I'm completely astray.
The rest of the day was a blur. Everything wasn't making sense.
It was like my body was put on autopilot. My inner-self and thoughts were somewhere far away.
I couldn't stop thinking about everything. All at once, thinking so many different things, I didn't know I could do it. I didn't know how it happened. One moment, I'd be here and the next, I'd be lost in thoughts. Hollow thoughts that I wish would all just disappear!
I had cheated on my fiancée; committed stone cold adultery. My heart was lost.
Would I let all my years of convincing myself, trying to learn to love Tora become just memories? Or would I break off this affair with Inuyasha, like once before, and try to forget about this period of misplacement?
Everything was becoming reckless.
Now, I was stuck. I didn't know what was best for me. I felt stuck all the time.
Sometimes, I wanted to cry.
Actually, sometimes, I did cry.
I always wondered how it would feel like to throw glasses and plates at the wall and hope that they break into tiny million pieces, and scream and cry as I stepped into the remains. I suppose I just wanted to bleed. I just wanted to hit something, like a door, and pound on it and rake my hands against it, till my fingers became numb and bled, and my hands became purple and blue.
But I never did. I think I would be admitted into the crazy house if I did.
I just wanted to be happy. I wanted to live life the way I wanted to, but since people always made choices for me… now that I have a chance to do things my way, I don't know what to do.
I'm really pathetic. Inuyasha would tell me that on occasion whenever we fought. We've been fighting a lot recently ever since we first had sex about a month ago, and the subject never changes. It's always been about my engagement, Tora, and my choices.
Our fights, fueled by resentment and confusion, can get really bad. If I was really mad, I'd slap him, and he'd push me down on his couch. Before I can get up, he'd be pinning me down with his own body. With all of my strength, I would resist and try to get him off of me. He wouldn't budge.
With his sculpted and strong body, he'd just think of my sissy hits as dangerous and as painful as a being hit with a fly swatter. Inuyasha would pull my shirt off, ripping it, before bruising my neck and chest with kisses and love bites. I know this isn't a healthy way to get it on, but the real foundation of our fights were always about our feelings.
Still crushed, I'd be crying and telling him to stop before being overwhelmed with the feeling of his hands and lips everywhere on the mass of my being.
This was always how our fights ended; me and him, entangled within each other's arms and our souls clashed together. Our eyes saying all the things we want to say but don't.
We would apologize for hours.
And, once we forgave each other, we would just lie there and look into each other's eyes. Eventually I would say some kind of an excuse so I could leave without having to feel guilty, but that never worked.
"Tora should be home soon," I told him. My eyes not meeting his, I got up and put on all of my clothes. He would watch before turning away when I said goodbye.
When he was like this, it really pissed me off, but then again, I bet he would say the same thing about me. I don't blame him. I was being selfish and only thinking about myself.
"You know this is hard for me as it is, so don't make it any harder. Stop being unfair, Inuyasha."
When he turned to face me again, I could see it in his eyes that he was angry at my words. "Who are you to tell me that, Kagome?" Inuyasha asked, his tone emotionless. "You're the one who chooses to cheat on her fiancée. This is your choice."
I stormed out of the bedroom, speechless, and as I open the front door, Inuyasha came from behind me and closed it. My hand was still on the knob and I put my head down. I sighed deeply.
I didn't have the courage to face him because I knew that once I looked into his eyes, we'd be back into those tangled sheets and I'd be crying the whole time, while he would lick away my tears. I had to be strong and hold my ground.
"Please, Inuyasha. Please." My voice was cracking. I could feel the tears forming.
Inuyasha still didn't budge and I could feel his eyes burning into the back of my skull. Then, I sensed his features softening; his beautiful, intense features becoming a sad line of a frown and his eyes, golden and clear, becoming sad and lost.
I didn't look at him. How could I?
"Marry me." It was as quiet and deadly as a dying man's whisper. It wasn't a question. It was a statement, almost a command, but not as forceful… it was almost like a plea.
I remained quiet and he continued. "I tell you again, like I told you before: I don't care about my reputation, my title as a bachelor, my girlfriends, I care about you. I want you. Screw your family and screw the company. I know you want to be with me, and I know you don't love that fiancée of yours. Don't lie to me. Don't say that you don't feel the intensity between us." Inuyasha turned me around, but I still refused to look at him. He grabbed my chin and forced me to look into his beautiful eyes.
"Marry me," Inuyasha said again. His gaze was intense and searching my own for some kind of answer. "I love you Kagome."
Oh, why did he make it so hard?
"I know you love me," he said, his gaze intensifying. "Please, tell me."
As much as I want to say it, I don't. I don't know what's stopping me. I should tell him… but I don't.
We continued to stay that way – silent and close to each other – for what seemed like days, but it was only a couple of minutes. I could feel him giving up slowly. After a moment, he looked away from me then released me. My gaze was still locked on him.
"Please leave." He left me alone by the door and didn't look back when I left.
For the next couple of days, we avoided each other at IE. Sometimes we caved at our individual moments. I would drop by his office and watch him while he worked. When he noticed I was there, I would walk away.
He would call me and I would reject his calls. His voicemails were wide varieties of angry ones, sad ones, apologetic ones, but they usually said the same thing:
"You're driving me crazy, woman. I can't stop thinking about you. I hate it."
A week after Inuyasha proposed to me, I went to his house. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't ignore him forever and the way I was treating him wasn't right.
Ever since I met Inuyasha, things have gone chaotic. Before, I accepted the fact that I was going to marry my betrothed and my life would be stable, and now… I'm experiencing something new. The feeling of danger and unconditional love. This whole thing was passionate and I loved it.
I'd be lying to myself if I thought that Inuyasha was only a fling and just my shortcut to a few moments of fun.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Maybe at first, in the way beginning, when he and I first started this screwed up affair, when I first met him, and when I called him again almost 4 months ago, maybe Inuyasha was meant to be my… escape route. Just a little excitement and adventure I was craving.
But then, things got bad. Inuyasha wasn't just my escape route anymore.
Oh, he was much more than that.
He wasn't just my friend or the person I am cheating on my fiancée with.
He was something else, and I'm desperately trying to figure out what. I know I have deep feelings for him. I know I do. But… how deep do those feelings go, and how far am I willing to go for those feelings?
I don't know.
Why isn't anything so simple anymore?
"Inuyasha?" His house seemed empty and the air was eerie. He should be home since his car was in the driveway, and his door was unlocked.
I called out his name again, and I heard footsteps in the room above me. They seemed fast and constant and they traveled all the way to the stairs.
I only thought the worst and I ran up to the second floor, and as I turned the corner, I ran into Inuyasha. We hit each other with such intense force, my neck ached and so did my chest. I didn't have a moments time to even cry out in pain because suddenly I felt gentle hands around my neck and my eyes were locked with Inuyasha's.
"What are you doing here, Kagome?" Inuyasha asked almost too quietly and little too demanding. I ignored it.
"I'm here to apologize… " I started. "I didn't mean to be so distant. I mean, you know my situation and how hard it is on me. D-Don't get me wrong, I know it's not easy for you either, but… I don't know. I don't know what to feel, Inuyasha. Everything is just so fucked up, nothing makes sense anymore. I think I'm losing my mind." Inuyasha nodded and I got angry when he didn't respond and seemed extremely disinterested. Here I am: trying to make things work and apologize for my behavior and he just stares at me like I'm some sort of animal on display!
"Don't you have anything to say?" I couldn't control the anger in my voice.
Suddenly, he seemed uneasy and he bit his lip. "Um, Kagome, this isn't the best time," he finally said.
"...What do you mean?"
Inuyasha looked over his shoulder again, and whispered, "Be quiet, will ya? I've got company."
Then I realized what and whom he was talking about. Eyes narrowed, I glimpsed past his shoulder only to see her legs tangled in his sheets. I suddenly got a disgusting feeling in my stomach.
"Ah, you haven't dumped her yet?" I sounded jealous and possessive and I hated myself for it. "So, what? Do you want me to leave, or something? No, don't worry. I'll show myself out."
He stopped me before I could even turn around. "It's not like that," Inuyasha said, teeth clenched.
"Like what?" I couldn't hide the envy in my voice.
"You know what. Damn straight you do. She means nothing to me." His tone was clear and cut.
I rolled my eyes as they threatened to shed some tears. Why the hell was I about to cry for? Inuyasha and I weren't together, and it's perfectly natural for him to have a girl around.
So, why did it seem like my heart has cut in half by a guillotine?
"I can't help it if I've got a reputation to protect, Kagome," Inuyasha snapped. "Besides, she's only temporary."
"Right, so what does that make me?" I was angry and I wanted to hit him.
He looked at me and told me, in a soft yet dangerous tone, "Say you'll marry me and she's gone. Every other girl is gone. Break up with Tora, and everything will just be settled. It's that simple." His breath was like honey in my ears. It made a chill run up and down my spine.
I pushed him away and took a backwards step down the stairs. "No, Inuyasha. Nothing is that simple."
Inuyasha mirrored my steps. "Just do it already! Be with me! Break up with him and marry me!" He yelled, not caring anymore if he woke up the woman sleeping in his bed upstairs. "What's so hard about it? It could've been done a long time ago."
My whole body was angry now. "You know I can't do that! It's wrong—"
"So?" He cut me off. "You always say that having this affair is wrong, but you still do it anyway! Why can't you just face the fact that you're scared?"
"What?" I said dumbfounded.
"You're scared! You're scared of leaving your precious life and angering your parents. You're so scared, you can't even realize the best thing for you when it's yelling in your face!"
I shook my head and let the tears fall. "What do you want me to do, Inuyasha? Huh?"
Inuyasha huffed and reached out to pull me against his body. He wouldn't let me go. "I want you to choose. Right here, right now."
"Make me," I challenged. There was no playfulness in my voice.
He smirked. "I will. And you'll choose right."
We were silent and I could feel our bodies calming down, almost in sync.
Inuyasha leaned his head closer to mine and stayed there, inhaling my scent in large breaths. I closed my eyes and pulled him closer to me.
If anything, this was what I needed. Just for Inuyasha to be close to me and help me forget all the drama happening right now.
For the next two weeks, whenever I saw Inuyasha, he'd ask me if I left Tora yet. I told him no, and he'd call me a coward.
We'd fight, and scream, and yell, and then everything would be better later after we've calmed down and apologized.
Everything wasn't as tense as before, but it was still as scary. I would feel like I was drowning and I would toss and turn in my sleep. One day, Tora was out on a business trip again, so I stayed with Inuyasha. I awoke in his arms after being shaken by him. Drops of his sweat fell onto my face and I can't explain the look in his eyes.
It seemed like everything was collapsing and falling down on me.
I still had a fiancée and a lover. I had two different sex lives. I have a wedding in three weeks, and my heart is still conflicting over it's calling and my mind with right and wrong.
A few days later, Inu Enterprises had a company party. The merge with Tora's company was a huge success, and Inutaisho wanted to celebrate.
I went in a long, beautiful peach gown, and on Tora's arm. As soon as I arrived, I saw Inuyasha. We locked eyes for a moment, but he broke it off first and turned his attention back to his older brother, Sesshomaru.
The party was elegant and everyone was invited. As expected, it was the highlight of the month.
Throughout the evening, I was having a good time. Inuyasha and I conversed a little bit, though we had to pretend that we were just mere acquaintances and certainly not lovers. Inutaisho did eye us carefully before walking away, a small mysterious smile upon his lips.
When the clock struck eight, Tora was handled a microphone and informed everyone, in a booming voice, that he had an announcement to make. I was clueless and confused when he addressed me and took my hand.
"As all of you know," Tora started, his eyes smiling. I couldn't help but notice the genuine smile he had wore. He looked so happy. "This woman right here is the love of my life." I flushed at his reference to me and I scanned the audience, and all seemed happy and thinking thoughts like, 'Look at the happy couple' and 'They seem so much in love.' They don't know how wrong they are.
My whole face turned the shade of a ripe tomato as he continued. "I don't know what I would do without her, but I do know that I am the luckiest man alive to have her in my life. Kagome is…" Tora's voice suddenly became a distant noise in the back of my head. I continued to gaze upon the crowds of heads and I let my vision fall on the one person glaring at me.
Just like everyone else, Inuyasha was staring at Tora and I; only he was the only one with a sour look of disgust on his face. I couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking at that exact moment.
And I felt like a complete idiot.
Unknowingly, Tora was pushing Inuyasha's buttons. He was practically rubbing the fact that Tora had something that he did not. Something that he wanted, and would almost kill to have.
The look in his eyes screamed murder, and it looked it like he wanted to go into a blind rage. I became frightened, so frightened, that I turned away, and tried my best not to look at him again.
"…And, the biggest surprise of the night is that… Kagome and I have decided that we couldn't wait. We've pushed the wedding, and we're becoming husband and wife in two days!"
My eyes became wide and I gasped. "What?" Tora looked offended, but quickly blew it off by a laugh.
"Are you serious?" I asked, outraged.
"Of course, Kagome," Tora said a little uneasy that I was reacting this way. "I just can't wait to marry you." Then, he kissed me, and from the corner of my eye, I saw Inuyasha storm out of the building. Contemplating all the possible things Inuyasha could be doing, I pushed Tora away, gave him an excuse ("I need to get something from the car!"), and ran after Inuyasha.
I hiked my dress up and cursed my blistering feet as I ran across the concrete floor of the parking lot. The sound of my footsteps bounced off the walls, as well as my breathing. My hair, which was curled and neat, was now tangled and sweaty. I had no idea where Inuyasha parked, but I would find him.
I had to. I couldn't let him do anything stupid.
Finally, I came across him. He was leaning against the door of his car, almost as if he expected me to chase after him. He had his head down, and his black hair covered the side of his face, like a sheet.
"Inuyasha," I gasped, out of breath. I just realized I was panting, and I ignored the aching pain in my feet. I really need to up my cardio.
I said his name again, and this time he looked up. His face was stoic—completely emotionless. His eyes were like the ones of ghosts.
"What do you want?" His voice was harsh and cold, just like his face. He'd never talk to me like that before. Usually, when we had our fights, his voice would contain some kind of anger or sadness. I was a bit shocked and afraid of what he would do next.
"Shouldn't you be back in there? Aren't you going to toast with your husband about the news?"
Didn't Inuyasha understand? This whole thing is being forced upon me, and I was the victim in this mass of chaos. I voiced my thoughts and he took angry steps towards me.
"If this whole thing is being done against your will, then why don't you do anything to stop it, then? Why don't you stop beating around the bush, Kagome, and face the facts: it's between me and Tora, and you can only have one. I'm fucking sick and tired of waiting for you to make a decision," Inuyasha said. His voice rose and so did his temper, but he kept it well hidden by showing a straight face.
"Choose. Right here, right now. You really want to marry that guy, fine. But don't come crying to me when you realized you made the wrong decision."
"That's not fair, Inu—"
He threw his hands up in the air, and yelled this time. "Wake up and smell the fucking daisies, Kagome! Life isn't fair!"
I was upset now. "Just stop it, Inuyasha."
He pushed me against a car, and put his hands on my arms. He squeezed them and I flinched from the pain. He had me trapped.
"Do you love me, or not, Kagome?"
I looked away, and remained quiet. All the while thinking that this was going to end. I knew it would end badly. I knew it ever since we went out to the French restaurant, five months ago.
What I had with Inuyasha was meant to go wrong.
But I wouldn't let it.
This was it. All of the tension and drama and worries, everything would disappear, if I just answered his question. Mixed feelings rushed into me like a breeze of fresh air, and before I even knew what this feeling was, I had made the most important decision of my entire life.
"Yes," I said. It was so bare and new. I said it again, and I looked straight into Inuyasha's eyes. He searched my own and embraced me, squeezing me so tight, I thought I'd suffocate.
"Tell me you love me," he softly demanded.
"I love you." The words were sweet and soft, like cotton candy. I didn't force it out like I would say it to Tora. It didn't spill from my lips—I sang the words like a pleasant melody.
Inuyasha smiled into the crook of my neck before turning my face and kissing me, deeply and passionately. He swallowed my tears as I cried and continued to kiss me, until my lips bruised.
All at once, Inuyasha pulled his lips away from mine, and held me possessively. He was staring over my shoulder, and I was hesitant to look, afraid of what I might find.
Tora was standing there, shocked and a look of betrayal all over his face. I swallowed and told Inuyasha to stay where he was and let me handle this. He wouldn't let me out of his grasp, and I followed Tora's gaze to Inuyasha's possessive hand on my hip.
I pushed Inuyasha away, and walked towards Tora. "Why?" he asked, over and over again.
"Because… I love him."
I did. I really did. Maybe, I had fallen in love with him long ago, before I had even realized it. Maybe, I was already smitten with him when I called him up, claiming that I wanted to talk to him.
Between all our talks, dates, make-up sex, laughs, smiles… I guess I fell head over heels in love. So much, it blinded me and I wasn't able to see anything for the longest time.
That was all I could say; that was my excuse, my reason. Maybe it wouldn't be enough for Tora, but it meant everything to Inuyasha and me.
Tora and I talked. We talked things over and thought about where things went wrong and how it ended up to this conclusion. I told him everything: how lost and unhappy and insane I was, how I was torn between my family and my heart, why I could never love Tora, and why things were so screwed up.
I tried to explain everything as best I could and help him understand everything. But how could I, when I was just coming to understand everything myself?
I didn't understand why things ended like this, how I suddenly found the light when I was lost and confused for so long… it just didn't make sense, but… at the same time… it did.
"Maybe this whole conflict is just like the mystery of life. We can only understand it to a certain extent, before you realize that you just can't."
Of course, things ended badly, but they slowly got better. My family was outraged, and threatened to disown me if I didn't marry Tora, but I didn't care. (Although, eventually, they gave in and accepted the fact that I wasn't going to marry the man I was betrothed to for twenty-three years.)
Tora and I kept in touch. He was a part of my life for the last seven years, and it'd be kind of hard not to. He got engaged, and she is a nice girl. Her name is Michelle.
As for Inuyasha's kin… his family was happy. I mean, how would you feel if your youngest, rebellious son is finally willing to commit and grow up?
After the whole drama aftermath died down, two years after we met (three after Inuyasha saw me at the coffee shop that rainy day), Inuyasha and I were officially engaged.
Inuyasha declared that he was a taken man, and gave up his title as one of Japan's Most Wanted bachelors. As expected, many women were heartbroken over the fact that one of the hottest bachelors in Japan was engaged to be married.
However, Inuyasha was voted number one in Japan's Most Wanted husbands. Go figure.
As for me… I was happy. I had finally realized what I had wanted, and things couldn't be better.
Sometimes, while in bed, under the covers, and refusing to go to sleep, Inuyasha would tell me that he knew that I'd be his. I always thought he was crazy for thinking that, but I'm glad he never gave up.
Maybe it's because I always had a feeling that I would be his one day?
I don't know. Probably not.
But, from the first moment my lips touched his… I knew that I wanted to be.
At first, I wouldn't think about it.
I did anyway, and I'm glad I did.
Who knew my escape route would've been the right road for me?