hey there guys. its been a LONGG Time hasnt it? well im back and im redoing my most popular story "giving up" and.. well here's the first chappy of it. thanks for reading! no flames..

AU.

RATED: T

NARUTO SHIPUUDEN


It's been a long time since the last time I wandered around Konoha like this… I can't even remember the last time I did… God it was so long ago…

Today was a rather cloudy day, the sky was a dark grey, but it showed no threatening signs of rain, all the same the wind around me was chilling to the bone and it made this day just that much more unwelcoming and uncomfortable… Sorta reminded me of my days when I used to live on the street… Geez.

I kept my hands warm in my pockets, they got sweaty in there very now and then cause I left them in there too long. I had lost count of what lap it was going around Konoha a long time ago, it kinda got tiresome counting how many times I lapped this whole damn town at the thousandth lap. By now I knew every single street, corner, and crevice in town… and the reason why I do… because this whole time… I was trying to shake this feeling of guilt… this feeling of self resentment…

Again, for the millionth time now, I spied Sakura-Chan's house out of the corner of my eye. It was really nice in comparison to the apartment building I lived in. and it looked better every time I passed by it. And every single time I passed by it, I was always tempted to walk up and knock… hope she would come and get some ramen with me… or just go for a walk with me…

By the time I knew it, I was already at her front door, my hand already into a fist ready to knock on her cherry wood door. But… like all the other times I was here in my… wandering, I hesitated… and quickly decided not to knock. She was probably still at the hospital… I hope she's all better now… maybe she's up and about already… or… maybe she's at his bedside…

"God damnit…" I spat, "Sasuke… you put up one hell of a fucking fight..."

I sighed deeply, "at least I finally did it…" I said to the empty grey sky, "He's back now… safe… and with Sakura-Chan…" I closed my eyes as I turned away from Sakura-chans' welcoming cherry door. I put the hot hand I was going to use to knock on the back of my freezing neck. It sent chills down my spine instantly as it reminded me of the fire red eyes Sasuke had when we fought a while ago.

God I will never forget that image… the intent to kill heavy and lucid in his eyes, The cursed seal covering his skin making it darker than any rain storm cloud in the darkest night, and most disgustingly those hands that protruded from his back acting as his wings… I felt like I wasn't fighting Sasuke anymore, but fighting a monster straight out of the deepest corner of hell. It was… for lack of better words… Nasty.

"Naruto…" came a familiar voice from behind me, shaking me out of my stupor.

I turned slowly to see the owner of the voice. But before I could lay my eyes on him, I knew who it was… that cool and lazy tone of his was something you never ever forget, not even for a thousand years. "Ah, Kakashi-sensei," I said in a totally fake cheerful tone, "How are ya?" I did my best to hide my gloomy mood.

It was such a stupid question to ask… of course he was still battered and bruised… "Naruto… I've passed by you this exact same spot numerous times on a couple of separate days…" he said in a heavy tone, "its not like you at all to be like this… What's the matter?" he asked me approaching me closer.

In this seemingly thousand year long walk… I had almost forgotten why I was here, walking around slumped and completely depressed. Why was I acting like this? I didn't know what else to say to him without having him ask more and more questions. And that's the last thing I needed right now… I just wanted to be left alone… "I… don't know…" I said robotically as I replaced my now cold hand for the other warm hand to warm my cold ear.

"Hmmm." He said coolly, "Is this… about Sasuke?" I was surprised at how he asked that with little hesitation and with precise accuracy… because when he asked that question, I felt something snap in the back of my mind. Damn him for reading me like one of his pervy books.

"Y-yeah, well, no… I dunno." I stuttered stupidly looking down not knowing what else to say.

He sighed again, "Naruto, its written all over your face…" he said trying to calm my troubled soul. "Listen to me… What you did… it was the only thing you could do to bring him back… and you made the right choice, he was hostile and you have nothing to feel guilty about-"

I didn't let him finish what he was going to say, "What the fuck!" I yelled surprising myself, "I nearly fucking killed him! Hell! He's still on the verge of dying! And its because of ME! It was ME! ME! ME! ME!" I yelled looked back at him.

Finally, everything was replaying itself in my mind again… the real reason as to why i'm walking around like a zombie surfaced… I can still see it. Sasuke charging at me, a Chidori in one hand... and his fucking sword in the other. Had I blocked either one of them in my current condition at the time… I would have been killed… I was willing to die trying… but that would mean I would have to break my promise with her… and that meant losing was not an option anymore… I needed to end that fight quickly…

"Maybe I was better off just letting him run away again! That way he wouldn't be breathing through a mother fucking tube!"

"Naruto!" Kakashi-sensei yelled at me firmly.

I stopped yelling then, he had that… old man tone that kinda forced you to zip it and listen to whatever he had to say.

He took a deep breathe, "Don't be so hard on yourself…" he said calmly approaching me. "If you had let him go like you said you should have… Sasuke would surely be dead by now rather than breathing through a tube right now."

What?? "What?" I questioned stupidly repeating my thoughts.

He was within arms length of me now, "if you had let him run off again with those people In hebi to hunt for his brother." He drew another breathe, "And should he have found his brother, blind by rage… he would have been killed."

Did he just call Sasuke a weakling? I don't know why, but I took that personally, "Are you telling me that he would have been killed because he was weaker than his brother?" I started getting mad again, "Sasuke is ten times stronger than his god forsaken brother!"

"So are you telling me, that you would have risked Sasuke's life on the assumption that Sasuke was stronger than Itachi? What if Itachi had gotten even more powerful… on top of that… Itachi would kill him without hesitation… you would never kill him…"

Checkmate…

He had me… fucking damn him… he was so right… Itachi was no man to mess with whether you were sane or not. And even I knew that Itachi was completely capable of become unfathomably stronger than he was when I saw him when I was only a kid. And had I let Sasuke go off with hate and rage burning his eyes, he would never have a chance against him… Damn you Kakashi-sensei… and your way with words. Its no wonder you get Yamatou-taichou to pay for all your meals.

"But…" I stammered… "I nearly did… I nearly DID kill him…" I felt warm tears welling up in my eyes. "and I did it subconsciously… I think I WANTED to kill him…" I felt a choking lump building in my throat. I swallowed hard to force it away, "If I had killed him… I don't think I would want to live anymore either… if he dies today… I'll take my own life as well..."

It was so true… sometimes I hated the guy when we were a team… but I never really wanted to kill him. But this time was different, I felt the… urge to kill him… it wasn't me… and it wasn't killing him that was going to make me commit suicide… it was the fact that… if I killed him, I would never ever be able to keep my promise… and everything I stood for would crumble down… I think I'd go insane…

I closed my eyes letting the built tears fall freely as I sobbed quietly.

I felt a heavy and warm hand on my shoulder, "Naruto, you need to calm yourself…" I could see him closing his eyes feeling helpless trying to cheer me up, "Naruto… You have done nothing wrong-"

He continued to talk… but I tuned him out… his words were just going in through one ear and out the other now… but he did say something I agreed too… I needed to calm down… I needed to finally let this guilty conscience of mine fade away… and there was only one thing I could think of to do that...

I needed to see Sasuke at the hospital, for the first time since dragging his half dead body back to Konoha I was going to see him… I hope I would find my resolve there with him… and maybe... just maybe I would feel better and agree with Kakashi-sensei that maybe I did do the right thing…

I broke away from him, and I started walking in a fast pace towards the hospital, "Sorry Kakashi-sensei… I needa go." He didn't say anything else as I broke free of his warm hand… I think he knew where I was going… and I think he agreed with me that I needed to see him. Even so, I could still feel his eyes piercing the back of my neck as I made my way to Sasuke…

It was strange, because as each step brought me closer to my supposed resolve… I felt like something terrible was going to happen very very soon...

Room 304… Room 304… I though quietly reminding myself which room he was in. the hallway of the hospital seemed to extend forever into a dark abyss. The clouds outside had really gotten thicker and it made it seem like it was midnight in the hospital…

"303… and… Here it is… 304" I said to myself, almost dreading the number of his room. I started to get anxious, almost scared as my hand reached out for the door knob. The knob was cold in my hand as I turned it quietly. I did my best to not disturb Sasuke who was sleeping behind the door. The door made a rebellious screech as I pushed it gently open. Suddenly, my quiet entry wasn't so quiet anymore. Damnit… Tsunade-baachan needs to invest some money in renovating this old ass hospital… its nearly as old as she is… I thought to myself.

As the door screeched loudly open, I saw that the lights were on… and that Sasuke wasn't the only one in the room. I was in the room now… and there he was... Uchiha Sasuke… kept alive by machines and all these wires… and next to him… she was there…

She sat in a small chair next to his bedside, she was slouched over... her head resting on the steel armest of the bed that held Sasuke… she wore a hospital gown… no surprise there… she was a patient here as well since I brought back Sasuke… even with the ugly gown, and her unnatural slouched position… she was still beautiful… gorgeous… breathetaking… pick out any cheesy cliché, she was the very embodiment of everything eye candy should be…

I must have woken her, cause after I closed the screechy ass door, her head popped up, "Tsunade-sama?" she said instinctively. When her eyes had adjusted to see it was me, she let out a heavy sigh, "Oh... Hello Naruto." She said dryly.

She looked so tired… she needed a bed and lots of hours of sleep. "Hey Sakura-chan…" I said equally as dry. I came to her side, and she sat quietly, her hands folded nearly over her lap.

She looked on at Sasuke, terrified that if she took her eyes off of him he would be gone again… and I kept my eyes on her, almost hoping she would make eye contact with me… but she didn't.

I stood next to her quietly… still looking for some sort of response out of her. We didn't say anything for a while… the air was thick with awkwardness. I hated it so much… I wanted to say something. But I eventually just refocused onto Sasuke… he was the reason why I came anyway… I ran my eyes over all the electronics tied, taped, and stuck into him… it made me sick to my stomach to see him like this… I wanted to vomit. Eventually, the even tempered beating of his heart monitor became the soundtrack of the room.

She took a short breathe breaking the uncomfortable silence, "Naruto…" she said in her angelic voice… it was heavy with fatigue… "What happened?"

At first, her question was a mystery… but it all fell into place after a brief moment… Of course she wouldn't remember… she was knocked out cold during the battle… and stayed that way till we got home… I said to myself in my thoughts. She musta spent every single moment with him when she finally regained consciousness…

"Sakura-chan… You need to get some sleep… come on… let me take you to your room…" I said trying to avoid answering her question…

I made a grab for her hard… but she snapped her arm back in place, folding her hand nearly over the other again… "No Naruto.. I want to stay…"

How could I say no to her?

"Now please Naruto… Just tell me…"

I held my tongue for a few seconds… "Wh… What do you wanna know Sakura-chan…" I asked stupidly trying to confirm her question, even though I already knew what she meant.

"Sasuke-kun… What happened to him… What REALLY happened to him…" she asked sounding like a ghost. Her eyes never left Sasuke's face.

"I… Uhmm…" I stuttered. I was terrified to tell her everything… I was scared she would get mad at me… and that's the last thing she needed. She was so vulnerable right now, and she was so tired… the last thing I needed to do was break her already semi-broken heart. But another part of me told her that she deserved to know everything I knew… "Sakura-chan…"

"Kakashi-sensei came not too long ago…" she said interrupting me. "He told me that… it was him. That he had to use Raikiri while he was occupied in hand to hand combat with you… and that that's why he is in such critical condition…"

I was completely caught off guard… why would Kakashi-sensei say that? Did he say that to protect her from the truth? Or… did he say that to… protect me…

"I think he was lying to me…" she said bluntly. God she was so smart…

"What do you mean?" I asked foolishly. I felt like I was just playing along to humor her when all along I was the criminal mastermind behind everything… and that I was only toying with my victim even further in part of my evil and sadistic plot… I was rotten.

She sighed, "I remember Me, Sai, Yamato-taichou, Hinata and her team and especially Kakashi-sensei were in no condition to continue to fight after we battled with Hebi… and that it was you and Sasuke-kun fighting viciously while we fought our own battles… after that, I don't remember anything else."

I admired her ability to think things through…

"Plus… Kakshi-sensei is a terrible liar…" she added.

And I admired her ability to see through lies…

I grew more and more terrified now… I didn't know what to say… should I play along with Kakashi-sensei's lie to protect myself like it was intended to? But she deserved to know the truth… but the truth would hurt her more than her physical wounds… oh god… what do I do??

"Naruto…" she said again… "Is what Kakashi-sensei told me.. the truth?" she asked.. almost demanding for an answer…

I was still torn and deciding what to do… "Y… No…" I finally said… going with the ugly truth instead of the beautiful lie… I felt like I was going to regret it.

Finally… her gaze was broken away from Sasuke, and she lifted her perfect emerald eyes to me. I too brought my eyes to her and we crossed eyes. Her eyes were beyond beauty and any human words… I melted in her eyes. "The truth is…" here I wanted to add the pretty little lie, but it was wrong…and she deserved to know what happened that day, and I just couldn't bring myself to lie to her… "I was the one who… did this to him…" there… I said it… cats outta the bag… what now? Will she cry? Will she yell?

"oh…" she said quietly… she took her eyes away against my will and brought them back onto Sasuke. She looked over his grievous wounds… and saw that what I said made perfect sense… there was no way just one Raikiri from Kakashi-sensei would do the amount of damage I caused.

"I… I lost it…" I said making excuses for myself… "I… lost control of myself. I felt… him take over… and… I let him… and-"

"But…" she said cutting me off… "Why would you let the demon fox take over like that? Why would you let Sasuke-kun fight such a monster?" her tone was turning into a dangerous one… it almost felt unfair… Sasuke fighting the beast? But… I LIVE with the beast…

"Sakura-chan… Please… listen to me… If I hadn't done what I did… I…" I wanted to say exactly what Kakashi-sensei told me earlier today… but… I drew blanks everywhere. Not only that… I didn't really get a chance to use it…

"Naruto… I thought you were better than that…" her voice was starting to become shaky… part of it sounded like sorrow, and the ninety nine percent rest of it sounded like bitter anger.

"Do you know why… I am… angry right now…"

I only looked at her, fighting tears in my eyes. I couldn't say anything I felt almost hypnotized by what she was about to say… like I needed to hear what she was about to say to me despite how much I didn't want to…

"Naruto… You… Let that Beast take over… I thought, you had control… I thought you would never let Sasuke fight that thing… But you did… and I was damn wrong to believe you would be better than that. I had no idea you would stoop to such a level…" her words were like venom to an infant, "How could you risk Sasuke-kun's life like that?! MY Sasuke-kun! My love! How dare you try to take him away from me!!" she was close to shrieking.

"what?"

"Do you really and honestly believe I ever liked you? Wasn't the first day we were assigned and my detest towards you a CLEAR sign?? I've NEVER enjoyed a single moment with you! Don't you even begin thinking that the times I healed you were because you were my friend… I only healed you… because I pitied you!"

"Sakura-chan…"

"Don't you dare call me Sakura-chan… Not now, not ever… again… You were always annoyed and fucking stupid… and you still are. Not only that, but now I have a REASON to hate you! You and that fucking monster inside of you… have caused NOTHING but pain!"

I couldn't say anything… I felt like my very voice was torn out of my throat… I looked back to Sasuke again, looking at all the wounds, minor and major all across his body… Because… of me… and the monster inside me…

"Just… get out… Never come back here again…" there was no remorse in her words… it wasn't the same Sakura-chan I knew anymore…

out of impulse… I extended my hand to her shoulder. She elbowed my hip hard with her powerful strength, I felt something snap… it felt like my hip had cracked down the middle.

"Don't fucking touch me… Or Sasuke… Or I'll… I'll…" she didn't finish her sentence… she broke into a complete and open sob…

I stood there, a broken, shattered mess both physically, and mentally… a hollow person of what I used to be. The pain in my hip was nothing compared to the pain that overflowed in my heart… it spilled all over my body… and it spread all the way to the tips of my fingers… I left without another word… I slowly opened and closed the screeching door… I limped away, but still wishing she would have broken my hip and the rest of my body till it would never heal.

Behind the now closed door, I could hear Sakura-cha… Sakura… sobbing loudly… I knew it.. she would be in pain… because of me… That's all I do… Cause pain…

I was already outside of the hospital before I knew it… I had no sense of direction… nothing made sense… I had nothing now… I lost it all…

"Fuck it…" I said to myself deciding to finally… just go home…

I walked down the center of the cold street. It had started to pour relentlessly now… I was completely wrong about it not raining… like I was wrong to let the fucking fox take over…

The rain felt heavier with each bead beating my back and neck harder than the last… it felt like nature itself hated and blamed me for unleashing such a horrifying monster, just like she did… but that was just the beginning of it all… along the sides of the streets… I could see people take shelter from the rain… that would have been normal for people experiencing weather problems… only… it was what they were whispering to each other…

My feet sloshed in the fresh mud as I limped my way down the street. It made a disgusting sloshing sound with each and every step. but that along with the sound of falling rain around me wasn't enough to drown out the sounds of the criticizing people around me… all I could hear were the same things they have been calling me my whole life… only this time it sounded much worse, much worse than when I was a kid. They clearly have heard rumors about my fight with Sasuke.

For the first time in such a long time… I wanted to cry… just fall on my knees and pray that God would spare me anymore suffering. In just one day, just about everybody had turned their shoulder against me… I held my tears… I'd been through this before… and I'm damn well not going to be around here to experience that again… so… I ran… I pathetically ran and limped. I ran from the whispers… I ran from all the accusing eyes… I ran from all the people I've hurt… I ran from Konoha… and I ran away from Sakura… and pretty soon… I wasn't anywhere near any of them… I was all alone, in a soaking wet forest with nothing but a fucking nine tailed beast… a fucking beast that had put me through nothing but misery and depression… and turned me into a monster…

I fucking give up… there… I finally said it… I fucking give up…