Title: Love Your Memory
Pairing: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester
Summary: Sequel to Left Behind. Sam is leaving Dean behind once again...
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural, nor do I know any of the actors that appear in this fic. This is just for my own entertainment and enjoyment.
Love Your Memory
For as long as Sam can remember there has always been someone who was trying to plan his life for him. Growing up he felt like his life wasn't his own, and that was why he rebelled against his father so much. He just wanted to be a teenager and enjoy his life while he didn't have to worry about adult issues. Growing up in his household was no ordinary life, however. A thirteen year old should be worrying about school and the newly acquired zit, but he was busy training to fight against demons and other forms of the supernatural. To say he is a little fucked in the head would be an understatement considering all he has seen.
He realizes how dangerous their lives have become since the demon killed their mother, but that doesn't stop him from wishing he had a normal life. He tried to have that, but, like usual, it didn't work out the way he planned. He had a pretty good life going for him at Stanford; was on his way toward a steady law career and had the most wonderful girlfriend a guy could wish for. He had never felt so connected to someone like he did with Jess, he had been ready to marry her and settle down into a comfortable life.
His brother crashed back into his life, however, and from there his world was turned upside down. He doesn't blame Dean for everything that has happened in his life, he knows it isn't his brother's fault, but that doesn't stop Sam from wishing he hadn't left with Dean that night. Maybe if he hadn't left Jess would still be alive. He knows it is useless thinking about such things, but he just can't help it. He constantly wonders about what he could have done differently.
He doesn't regret what he shared with Dean once he was back in my life, though. It felt good having his brother in his life again, even if just as his brother. He could never find it in himself to regret the love he had found in his brother, though. When they were younger he had thought it was love, but then he had begun to wonder and question. Dean was the only person he had ever been with, so how could he know that Dean was the one for him? Their relationship wasn't exactly a normal one; that wasn't something Sam could deny. It had been on his mind the entire time.
Leaving him behind to go to college had killed Sam, though he tried his hardest to hide it. Of course he had wanted to go to college, but he had also wanted to bring Dean with him. He knew that in order to see what else was out there, though, he had to leave behind the one person he loved more than life. The truth of what they were doing, what type of relationship they had, really began to take its toll on Sam. He was striving so hard to live a normal life, and yet the one thing that made any sense to him wasn't considered normal in society. That had bothered him far more than it should have. He knows he should have ignored all the bigotry, no one could possibly understand how precious what they shared was, but it was just something he couldn't look away from.
The one thing he regrets the most was how much he had hurt Dean. He had wanted so desperately to be normal that he hurt the one person who had always been there for him in the process. He will never forget the look in Dean's eyes when he realized that Sam was ending their relationship, it was like something inside of him was gradually dying. Sam hadn't done anything to stop it, though his heart screamed at him to take back his words. He just continued to kill his brother's soul a little more with every word that left his mouth. There really is no excuse for what he did that night and he isn't going to try to justify himself.
He will never forget driving away with tears streaming down his face, ever so often looking in the review mirror and seeing Dean standing there; gradually getting smaller until he disappeared completely. He can't be sure how long his brother stood in the middle of the road like that, and he has never had the courage to ask Dean. It really doesn't make any difference now; it is all in the past. That night was four years ago and so much has changed since then.
Between that night and the present, Sam had done everything he could to forget Dean. Did his best to put the past behind him and distance himself from his family. He had succeeded fairly well; focusing on his new life. He won't deny that college was some of the best years of his life, but he also can't say they meant more to him than his time with his brother. He had tried to convince himself that they were, but he had never truly succeeded. He had pushed past all this, though, and forced himself to focus solely on his girlfriend, Jessica.
The moment he laid eyes on that girl, he knew he could love her. There was such vibrant life within her that he felt drawn to immediately. The time he spent with her made him forget all about Dean and what he left behind. He truly had given himself to her; something he never thought he would do. He never thought he could love someone other than Dean; never wanted to. Jessica was special to him, though, and he would have married her if he would have been given the chance.
When she died he had truly felt broken inside. All he could think about was finding her killer and avenging her death. Between that time, however, he was becoming close to Dean again. That wasn't exactly a bad thing, but his brother seemed reluctant to let him in again. His brother had changed; was no longer the person he left behind all those years ago. The guy next to him was harder than he remembered him to be and he hid everything he was feeling behind sarcasm and humor. He flirted with anything that walked, but he never allowed himself to get close to any of them. He would be eager to sleep with them, but refused to allow it to go any farther than that. It was like he was dead set on being alone; never allowing anyone near his heart. Sam can't help, but feel responsible for that.
Turning his head to stare out the window of the grey hound bus, Sam watches the scenery pass by in a blur as his thoughts remain with Dean. God, what did I do to you Dean? I never wanted that for you; never wanted you to close yourself off like that. Sam thinks to himself miserably; guilt eating away at his conscience. You act as if hunting is all you have now, like that is what you're meant to do with your life. You deserve to be loved Dean; I wish you would allow someone... even if that person isn't me anymore.
He won't deny that seeing Dean after all those years hadn't brought back every single fond memory he had locked away. He wouldn't allow himself to acknowledge it, but after Jess died he could no longer deny that he wasn't still in love with his brother. Dean has always meant the world to him, even when he was trying to run away from those feelings.
Dean wouldn't allow him to get close to him again, though. He acted like Sam's brother, but that was as far as it would go. Sam can't say he blames him for this; it is his fault their relationship is like this to begin with. If he hadn't left that day, or had asked Dean to come with him, things wouldn't be like this between them. There is no use in wishing for things to be different, though. What he had with his brother is long gone and he has no one to blame but himself.
Living with Dean but not being able to hold him was painful for Sam, though. And hunting was starting to wear him down. This was never the life he wanted to lead; never saw it in his future. He still doesn't believe that he was meant to be a hunter, and so he is on a greyhound bus heading back to California. After everything that has happened, he can't say that he can just go back to his old college life, but that is what he is going to try to do. It hurts to leave Dean behind, but he just can't continue living like this. Sam loves his brother with his whole heart and soul, but Dean is trying to make him something he isn't and Sam just can't live like that. He must move on while he still can; before letting go gets too painful.
You're always the one to leave him behind, aren't you? Sam's mind taunts him cruelly; just adding to his guilt. You know the one thing he is terrified of is being left alone and yet here you are, on a bus leading you away from him. You really are a selfish bastard Sam.
Shaking his head to rid himself of these unwanted thoughts, he redirects his mind in another direction. He winds up thinking about the past; all the good times he spent with Dean. He really had been so very much in love with his brother. Just thinking back on some of his better memories forms a smile on his face. Like sneaking into Dean's bed late at night; crawling in and snuggling up close. Sometimes he would wrap his arms around Dean and he would hold him tight all through the night. Then there are memories of them just eating breakfast in the morning, Dean teasing him about his gangly limbs and Sam throwing pieces of cereal at him for it. And, of course, who could forget the times Dean would taunt him to the point where Sam would throw himself at his brother in anger. They would wrestle each other to the floor only to have it end in a make out session.
Then there are the sweeter memories where Dean would hold him in his arms while they watched TV. Or on their birthdays when they were so depressed because their dad wasn't there, once again, they would always do their best to make it special for each other; always coming up with new ways to surprise the other. All they truly had was each other, but that was enough for the both of them. Part of Sam wishes it could be like that today, but so much has happened that he has to wonder if they could ever return to that. The other part of him just wants to move on with his life and never go back. He knows he would most likely hold these wonderful memories close to his heart and look back on them whenever he was feeling lonely, though.
Now that he has had Dean back, he doesn't know if he can live without his brother. There is no changing his mind; he is definitely going back to California. However, he still can't help but wonder if he is making a huge irreparable mistake. What if in time he realizes that life in California isn't what he is looking for, only by then he won't be able to come back to Dean? Will leaving a second time truly cost him his brother?
I don't know, but I guess I'm about to find out. Sam thinks nervously to himself; unable to shake the feeling that he is making a mistake he will come to regret. Please forgive me Dean.
You were something else to look at
Your intentions they weren't all bad
You tried to make me something I wasn't
Lord knows there ain't no future in all that
I don't want to see you or feel you
I don't want to look into your eyes
I don't want to touch you or miss you
I just want to love your memory tonight
Love Your Memory - Miranda Lambert
A/N: Okay there will be at least one more, so what kind of ending do you want this to have? You want a happy ending, a sad ending, or an ending where Sam will be the heartbroken one for once? Let me know and I will get started on writing on it right away.