This is crack so sit back and enjoy. I don't own Naruto and I doubt they'd hire me anyway.
Dear Penthouse forum,
I never thought I'd be writing a letter like this, but then I suppose no one does. You see I was abducted by a group of former students and… wait; I think I should start from the beginning. Let's see. I guess it all started when…
(Shimmering fade into flashback)
Sakura was sitting on the steps to the small apartment building, the lower half of her face covered by a book. Her eyes looked stricken and glazed. Ino stopped and sat down next to her.
"What are you reading?"
Sakura cut her eyes to Ino.
"It's one of Kakashi's books."
Ino blinked then squealed. She reached out for the book only to have it yanked away.
"Oh come on! You have to let me look! The smut in there could turn Choji's stomach for a week! Asuma would be forever in my debt."
The pink-haired girl lowered the book to show a horrified face. Ino rolled her eyes and shook her head.
"Pa-lease! Have you SEEN the way Choji eats? It's not like he's going to starve. And maybe he'll learn something."
Sakura shook her head.
"That's not it." She lifted the book and turned it so Ino could see the pages. "It's not porn. It's a romance novel."
Ino blinked and took the book.
"No way." She tossed a hand at Sakura before taking the book and flipping pages. "You just haven't got to the good part yet."
As she thumbed her eyes got bigger and bigger. Sakura cleared her throat and Ino looked up.
"I read it twice. I thought maybe I'd just missed something so I went back. This is my third time through and… nothing."
She looked off into the street, her face pale.
"It's not that bad. Really. Maybe it's just this one doesn't have any pictures and…"
Sakura grabbed the blonde kinoichi and shook her violently.
"You don't understand! I looked on the shelf! They're ALL like this! It isn't just the lack of sex. The women are cooing and pitiful. They hang on the pants legs of the men most of the time. And the men… THE MEN! Oh, GOD! They're thin and androgynous and They have FEELINGS! And they express them ALL THE TIME! It's sappy and gooey and…" She let go of Ino just as suddenly as she grabbed her and leaned over the edge of the steps as she tossed her cookies.
Ino rubbed her back and held her hair, trying to reassure her that everything would be alright. She registered the shadow looming over her and the hot smell of dog breath.
"What's wrong with Sakura?" Kiba leaned over them and peered at the puddle that had once been Sakura's breakfast. He wrinkled his nose and backed up a step. "Do we need to take her to the hospital?"
Ino shook her head and looked up at Kiba gravely as Sakura finally finished and whimpered a little.
"Kakashi reads romance novels."
There was a heavy thud and Akamaru whined as he snuffled Kiba's face.
"Kiba? Kiba, are you alright?" Ino stepped away from a dazed Sakura to make sure Kiba wasn't bleeding or otherwise hurt. She'd never seen anyone just drop like that from shock. After see that he wasn't injured, Ino looked up as Shikamaru made his way down the road. He took one look at them, shook his head and kept walking. She could distinctly read his lips as he mouthed "to troublesome" on his way by.
"What did he do to piss you off?" Ino stood at the sound of Shino's voice, noticing Hinata sitting beside Sakura on the steps. Kiba groaned behind her and she let out a sigh.
"Nothing. He passed out." She turned and offered Kiba a hand. Shino offered him another and together they pulled the dog-nin to his feet.
"Sorry," Kiba rubbed the back of his head and blushed. "It was just a shock, that's all."
"Shock about what?" Naruto sauntered up to the group with a cocky grin and a hand behind his head.
"Kakashi reads romance novels." Ino intoned
There was a pause as everyone seemed to take that in. Hinata grabbed the book out of Sakura's limp fingers and started thumbing through it. Kiba dropped down next to Sakura on the steps. They were now both wearing similar glazed expression. She couldn't tell what Shino was thinking since she couldn't see him. Naruto didn't look surprised in the least.
Everyone turned to stare at the orange clad nin. He looked around the group and adopted a confused expression.
"What?" He blinked at the others.
"I thought you said you'd never read one of these books?" Sakura asked, still dazed.
"I said I'd only read about ten pages into it. It was so boring I put it down. Pervy Sage got really mad when I told him it sucked." He grinned again and walked over to lean against the railing on the steps.
Shino made a sound and everyone turned to him. He might have looked at everyone but no one was really sure. He just stared in their general direction.
"Shino, ANBU's gonna think you're drug pusher if you keep layering on the clothes." Naruto said from his post by the stairs.
Kiba tipped over and rolled with fits of laughter. Shino kicked him in the ribs. He groaned but he didn't stop laughing.
"THAT is none of your concern. Besides, it isn't the topic under discussion." Shino said coolly.
Hinata wondered momentarily if that meant Shino really WAS trafficking drugs before shaking off the thought and moving back to the problem at hand. "I th- thought Kaka- ashi read p-porn."
Kiba sat up as he composed himself and asked, "Can you READ porn? I thought you just looked at it?" Everyone stared at him. "What?"
"Back to the issue." Sakura barked, having finally found her nerve. "We have to do something about this. It's just not normal."
Hinata looked up with a light blush on her cheeks. "M-m-maybe he l-likes romance."
"Actually, he's gay." Shino chimed in.
Thud, Ino looked over to see Kiba stretched out on the ground again. "Again?" She leaned over as everyone else gaped at Shino.
"It all fits," he continued. "He reads romance novels. He doesn't date. He spends a considerable amount of time with Genma…"
"Wait!" Ino, Sakura and Hinata screamed at the same time.
"What?" Shino said as he wisely stepped back from three very red faced women.
There was a whistle from behind them and Shino turned to see Shikamaru standing behind him taking in the situation.
"Couldn't help but overhear the conversation, and believe me, I was trying. What's this I hear about Kakashi and Genma being gay?" Shikamaru asked matter-of-factly.
Shino's chest expanded but before he could speak Ino chimed in.
"Kakashi reads romance novels."
Everyone waited as Shikamaru digested the fact then blew out a sigh.
"Alright. When do you get started?"
"Get started on what?" Naruto asked.
Shikamaru raised his eyebrows and spoke as if it were obvious.
"The intervention, of course."
Next up: A plan is formed, Lee discovers the joys of reading, and why does Shino think Genma's gay?
Read and Review please!!