Somewhere, someone found this scene, cut from an episode that never got aired... (Well, truthfully, it's really just inspired by a board topic on .moon on "Things Sailor scouts would NEVER say (game)" and well... some people's "problems" did come up in that conversation...)


Title: A Villain's Night Out
Theme: sm-monthly LJ community: February (Usagi and Mamoru) 4th - Mistaken Identity
Genre: Humor/Crack
Version: Anime
Rating: PG
"For love and justice, I am the pretty Sailor-Suited Soldier, Sailormoon! In the name of the Moon, I will punish you!" Sailormoon posed under the bright street-light.

A hiccup was heard clearly, though there were quite a few hiccups that attempted to interrupt her speech earlier. The man on the bench rubbed his temple and squinted at her before he took another swig from his paper-bag, eying Sailormoon with a leering sort of glint in his eyes. The odango blonde fidgeted under his stare uncomfortably when he failed to get up and answer her.

"Umu...?" She rubbed the back of her head in embarrassment. "Are you, the Dark General, Nephrite-san?"

Nephrite hiccupped again and glared. "You're late," he finally slurred.

Sailormoon blinked at him uncertainly. For a long while, she wasn't even sure what he said, but then she just made a guess and tried again. "You are the Dark General, Nephrite-san... right?"

Nephrite slowly rose from his bench. Sailormoon straightened, tensing as he pointed a finger at her... well.. not really at her, but he was trying to point at her. "All of you are late--" Nephrite roared, but his indignation was cut short by another hiccup, which was doing a fine job at interrupting his almost incoherently slurred speech as he tittered. "And-- and--" Nephrite shook his head, as if he forgot what he was trying to say and that if he just shook it a little, he would remember .

Sailormoon looked around bewildered at his waving finger, trying to figure out who or what he was pointing at.

Why did it have to be this night that she had to have arrived so late? It was all really that stupid detention and then that stupid crack that made her not have time to check which bus she was getting on to, and the fact that she just had to fall asleep on the wrong bus and get off on the wrong side of town... And now this! When she sees Rei again, she'll never hear the end of this... Anyway, where was Luna when she needed her? Sailormoon wondered despairingly as she wearily watched the drunken general once she realized there was just him, her, and his bottle of whatnots.

I can take him! Sailormoon reassured herself. Although, it was hard enough trying to become more comfortable with the current situation as she watched Nephrite sway back and forth before her and muttering things she couldn't possibly even try to understand.

"There's only one of me, Nephrite-san," she finally said defiantly, straightening to all her not-so-imposing 150cm (and a half). After all, she was the heroine and she was hungry, so the evil villain had better be ready because as Sailormoon, she will right wrongs and triumph over--

"No! Don't lie!" Nephrite thundered in reply, his strong response startling her enough to make her squeak a little. "I counted," and then he wavered with his finger as he pointed at random objects far from where Sailormoon was standing, alone and by herself. "Five, no... three... no. Will you stop moving, you infernal brats? There's more than one of you, so don't think you can trick me with your... your... appearing and disappearing act!"

Sailormoon made a face at him. "I'm not moving, Dark Kingdom scum!" A wind blew the strong smell of alcohol and Sailormoon wrinkled her nose in distaste, getting a pretty good idea of the physical state of her opponent. "In the name of love and soberness, I will punish--!" Sailormoon tried again.

Nephrite, meanwhile, was turning a disturbing shade of green (which went unnoticed).

"I know who you are, Sailor Mercury!" Nephrite suddenly announced. His accusing index finger was now pointing and waving at the sky, though by the time he brought it down, he did manage, this time, to point at Sailormoon's right ear. It was a lot closer than where he had been pointing it before. "The stars tell me that your secret identity and future love interests are--"

"No! I am Sailor MOON! MOON!" Sailormoon interrupted him once she realized who he thought he was talking to. "Sailor Mercury has blue-hair! And it's short! Odango, see? And long pig-tails! They're completely different and so are we--!"

"You cannot trick me either, Mars," Nephrite interrupted her in turn, pointing at the tree to Sailormoon left this time, before stumbling. Apparently, he was trying to stand, move his feet, and take a swig from the brown paper bag in his hand at the same time, which wasn't really working out for him.

"That's it!" Sailormoon stomped her foot in frustration, tired of not being heard or even identified correctly (or even pointed at correctly!). "Moon tiara action!"

Her aim was so good, it sailed right over Nephrite's head and singed some of his hair, even as he fell and crawled waveringly over to her. Then he proceeded to punish her for everything she had ever done against the Dark Kingdom - something Sailormoon fervently believed in whenever she thought back on the incident - by throwing up on her boots. For a moment there was utter silence as Sailormoon stared at the top of Nephrite's head with a horror stricken face, filled with disbelief. "Heed my warnings, Sailor Jupiter!" This time he actually managed to look at Sailormoon, though he was talking to her (now) vomit clad boots, well... before he raised his head, that is. Sailormoon felt herself began to turn green herself from the smell and the sight, which could have been a reason why he mistaken her for Jupiter, but that was doubtful. "I will have my revenge, on you-- you--!"

When Nephrite finally tried to get up, Sailormoon scrambled away from him, half hopping and half running, her eyes trained on her feet. "I will... I will..." Nephrite tried again but then heaved again as well. Sailormoon made a bee-line for the trees, scrambling backwards even when she fell on her butt. "Revenge--!" Nephrite finally gasped out, waving his fist in her general direction, though he was bent over his stomach rather pathetically. He then promptly disappeared before Sailormoon's mortified eyes. "Revenge will be ours, Sailor Earth!" Nephrite's last part would usually have included maniacal laughter, but all he managed was a few gagging noises and a moan before his presence was completely gone from the area.

"EW!" Sailormoon wailed, even after Nephrite was gone. Tears could not compensate her for the mental damage done this evening, but now she knew her enemies were serious! "I am not Sailor Earth, you idiot!"

-

Hours later, Nephrite nursed a headache and couldn't remember how he got away from the four Sailor Senshi with only a bit of singed hair. Not when he was that drunk! Well, he always did think they were rather incompetent, but now he had proof! Especially that new Sailor Senshi... Sailor Senshi... Sailor Senshi Earth...! (Nephrite had to squint and think rather hard before he could remember her identity. She could not have fooled him no matter how drunk he was!)

...Right?


End.