"James Potter, I abhor you," Lily Evans growled, clutching her husband's hand as though she'd like nothing better than to break it.
"Darling, please. That sentence lost all its magic years ago," he said, his face caught between a grin and a grimace. "Do try to be more original."
"I will never forgive you for doing this to me!" She cried out again, her breathing labored.
"Lily, it takes two to—" James started, though he was interrupted by the attending nurse.
"Er, Mr. Potter, sir, I wouldn't really go there right now, if I were you," she said politely, glancing back and forth between the man and his wife. "It never goes over well, trust me."
"Right," James said, as a Muggle doctor entered the room.
"Ah, Mrs. Lily Potter, is it? And I assume you are the husband…" The doctor said, looking at James for a moment before reaching for the medical chart next to him. "Ah, I see you're dilated to—"
"Eww," James squealed, causing Lily to reach over and slap him with her other hand.
"Ugh! Why did I have to marry you? Out of all you boys, Remus clearly was the better choice, he wouldn't have been as squeamish—"
"I'm not squeamish, giving birth is just disgusting!" James cried out. Lily's face was blank for a moment, before she nodded.
"Alright, I suppose I'll give you that. But—it's—all—your—fault!" She cried out, hitting him on the arm after each word. James winced again, and turned to the doctor.
"Do I get any of that funny medicine too? I think I'm in just as much pain as the woman…" he said, but the doctor only shook his head, an amused grin on his face.
It was just then that Lily screamed in pain, squeezing James' hand even harder.
"Oh bloody hell," they said simultaneously, though James' was muttered while Lily's was screamed.
"Ah, contractions seven minutes apart now…" the doctor said, putting on rubber gloves. James' attention began to drift as the doctor spoke to Lily; he still found the Muggle hospital fascinating, even though he'd been to multiple prenatal appointments over the past nine months.
Personally, he would have preferred to have his first child born at St. Mungo's, but with the current situation in the magical world, Dumbledore seemed to think that would have just been too great of a risk. Whether they liked it or not, Lily and James Potter were two of the strongest anti-Voldemort holdouts, and that made them a constant target.
Another scream and simultaneous burst of pain in his hand brought James back to attention; the doctor was now saying that the baby was near crowning, and it seemed as though the staff just jumped into action. Lily was screaming her head off, and for a moment he gazed fondly at the murderous look on his young wife's face; ah, love.
"JAMES POTTER, I HATE YOU!" she cried out, and as he looked to the nurse again she merely shrugged at him.
Alice Longbottom had given birth the day before; James made a mental note to ask Frank whether Alice had screamed bloody murder at him, too. James decided he hoped she had, so that he would not be alone in such an event. He also decided that when this was over, there would most definitely be a large brandy in his future.
"For the love of God woman, must you squeeze so hard?!" he cried out, feeling as though his right hand would simply shatter any moment. For that, he received absolutely evil glares from both his wife and the nurse.
"Really now, Mr. Potter, if you'd just be a bit more patient and understanding to the current situation—" The attending nurse started, but James interrupted her, scoffing.
"The current situation my left foot! I understand perfectly well that she's shooting a baby out of her, but that doesn't give her the right to break my hand!"
Two minutes later, James found himself standing in the middle of the hallway, rubbing his right hand and cursing. The three men sitting against the opposite wall jumped up immediately, running to his side.
"Did Lily have the baby?"
"Is it a boy?"
"When do we get to start corrupting it?"
They were speaking all at once, but James merely brushed the questions aside with a wave of his hands.
"I haven't got a clue, they threw me out," he said, now trying to flex and unflex his sore hand.
"They threw you—" Sirius only got halfway through his sentence before he was overcome with laughter. "Prongs, you would get thrown out of the room just as your first child is being born!"
"Apparently I was creating negative energy. She's asked for you, Remus," James said, turning to the man who had been using all of his willpower to not start laughing along with his best friend. "She reckons you'll do well, only all I've got to say is watch out, she's got a death grip and an absolutely evil temper at the moment," James said, all the while moving his hand around in front of his face, as if to check that it was still working properly. "Well get going now, you do not want to be keeping that thing waiting!"
Remus shook his head once, grinning, before walking into the hospital room. Sirius, who had to sit back down on the floor to regain control of himself, looked up at James through blurred eyes.
"Did you just—did you just call Lily a thing?" he asked, his voice cracking as he burst into another round of hysterical laughter. Peter, meanwhile, laid a comforting hand on James' shoulder.
"It's alright, I'm sure you were doing fine in there," he said, trying to sound sympathetic.
"I'd been doing alright till I asked when the demon child was going to see fit to come out—I guess they took it as offensive—"
"You called it a demon child?!" Sirius barked out, wiping tears from his eyes. "My God Prongs, you're going to be lucky if she even lets you in the house after this!"
James mumbled something imperceptible as he slid down the wall and sat next to Sirius. He stayed silent, though Sirius seemed incapable of being able to stop laughing.
Soon Remus walked back into the hallway, a beautiful smile on his face.
"It's a boy, Prongs. You have a son," he said, walking over to his friends.
James and Sirius immediately jumped off the floor and began bouncing around together, chanting, "It's a boy! It's a boy!"
"James…" Remus started, his voice resembling how one would speak to a little child. "Don't you think you should go meet your boy?"
"Oh," James said, stopping mid jump and landing hard on his feet. "Yes, I s'pose I should…wait," he said, looking wary. "Did she say I was allowed back in? I don't really fancy making her even angrier…"
"She wants you to go in," Remus said, smiling. And so James opened the hospital door, his three friends watching from the hallway. And as the door closed behind him, all three could have sworn they heard the words, "Now don't think this means I don't still hate you, Potter..."
A/N: I enjoyed writing this. I appreciate that you have taken the time to read this, and I will absolutely love you forever if you take another minute to leave a review and let me know your thoughts/reactions. Gracias!