Sam's Journal Entries

Day One: "Carry On My Wayward Son"

Yeah, I said I wanted a normal life. Law school, place of my own and a hot girlfriend. What more could I possibly ask for? I wanted to marry Jess and maybe even have kids one day. Apparently, the world had another plan for me one more time. Halloween night I come downstairs after being out all night with Jess and some of our friends.

Halloween is usually a night when you go out to costume parties or take your kids out trick or treating in costumes. Well, that wasn't the tradition in the Winchester family. We sort of lived Halloween. My older brother and father are out trying to save the world from the "Things that go bump in the night." My father is on the hunt because something of the other world took our mother away from us when I was 6 months old. He wants revenge for her death. My brother Dean has always obeyed everything our father has said like a good little foot soldier.

Well, I stopped being "the good little foot soldier" when I decided that life as a normal college kid sounded better then chasing after imaginary "things that go bump in the night" and driving myself crazy. I see where it got Dad. He's all alone on the run. I don't know if Dean is still with him or not. We haven't spoken since I got accepted into Stanford. I think he's pissed because I left him alone with Dad and his drinking. Dad was never violent towards his kids. I don't see why my leaving was such a big huge deal.

You'd swear I told my father I was running off to join the circus the day I got the letter welcoming me to Stanford. I had a full ride to law school and my father was pissed at me for leaving him. He told me to never come back. How the hell are you going to condemn your son for getting a full ride to one of the top law schools in the United States? I'd expect Dean to be supportive of his younger brother, but he stood there and took Dad's side. The family business meant more to him then his own brother. So, to hell with both of them. I went to school and did well for 2 years until that night.

Day 2: "The family business"

God, I wish there was a man with a huge gun downstairs and not that cocky smirk that Dean loves to put on.

"You're getting rusty there tiger."

He always had a way with words. He broke into my apartment where I lived with my girlfriend. Expecting me to greet him warmly as he is wondering if I have any beer and ogling my girlfriend's body. Dean was always a charmer. I still want to kick his ass. He drags me off on this mission to go find Dad cuz he's missing and hasn't checked in from one of his many hunts he goes on. I don't see where his going missing means I need to leave my life in California, but Dean insists he can't do this alone and needs me to help him find Dad this time. So, I reluctantly get into the Impala and we speed off for parts unknown. I tell him I have to be back for my interview on Monday and he assures me I will be back in time for it.

Little do I know what is in store for me when I get back on that faithful Monday.

Day 3: "We've Got Work to Do"

I never should've left. Maybe I should've just told Jess I was having weird dreams about her burning to death on the ceiling before it actually happened. Then at least she would've left me for being certifiably insane instead of dying right? I wish I was crazy and that it never happened, but I saw it with my own two eyes. She was pinned against the ceiling in our apartment and her blood was dripping on my forehead. She called my name and reached for me before bursting into flames.

Now the nightmares are of her reaching for me and asking me "Why?" like why didn't I stop it from happening somehow. If Dean could tell when Dad was in trouble, why couldn't we stop Jess from burning to death? He keeps asking me if I am OK. Hell no I'm not OK. I'm being haunted by my girlfriend's death. I'm far from OK, but I tell him I'm fine and we trek on from hotel to hotel. Our big black '67 Chevy Impala roaring down the road as Dean's hair band metal and classic rock blast from the speakers. Now I am just as fucked up as Dean and my father wanting revenge on the thing that took Jess from me and my mother. So much for having other plans with my life. I threw that gun in the trunk like it was second nature to up and leave my well rooted life in California. No questions asked. Now, I got the headaches to prove something ain't right.

Day 4: "What's happening?"

The headaches are getting worse not better. I'm sleeping more, but it's hard to explain to Dean that I am having these weird dreams that are related to real people who need our help. I don't want to go to sleep cuz I keep seeing Jess dying before my eyes and I just blow Dean off and tell him I'm dreaming of Lollypops and candy canes. He knows I am having a hell of a time sleeping at night. I never told Jess anything about the family business and maybe I should've tried to warn her that the men in our family are cursed when it comes to relationships.

So on top of watching my girlfriend die and dealing with not being able to find my father yet. I now have to try to understand why these visions are happening. No, dead people don't come visit me in my dreams and want to be crossed over. I can't solve crimes by laying hands on evidence either. My dreams pretty much lead me to wonder why I am having them in the first place and mostly lead back to one main source of evil. Dean doesn't understand why they are happening either. He calls it "the shinning" and tries to help me understand better where these are all of the sudden coming from and why they are all linked back to that once source of evil.

Day 5: "Destiny"

I've finally come to the realization that Dean and I are better off without our father. I'm at peace with the idea that Jess is gone and there is nothing I could've done to stop her from dying. Dean accepted my gift. Although I feel like it's a curse lately. I guess you can't save them all. It doesn't make the loss any easier to deal with though.

We found Dad and he said he is closing in on the Demon that killed mom. Or course, I want to go kill it together. This is the same thing that killed Jess. I deserve to be a part of killing the son of a bitch. Dean and I had a huge fight and I left him to go back to California. Dean wants to go on the next job and I want this thing out of our lives for good. Dad wants us to go on the next job. So, Dean does what Dad said like a good little soldier one more time. Sorry, I just want to go find him and fight this thing. So, that's what I'm gonna do. Find Dad and fight this thing. Whatever Dean wants to go fight can't possibly be as big as getting rid of this once and for all.

Besides, there is something he is not telling me and I can't quite put my finger on it. How can he justify leaving his brother in the middle of nowhere to go do some stupid job? Especially when the whole reason for me to even be on this journey was to find dad and kill this thing.

Well, we know what happened with that. I ran into Meg and she turned out to be a possessed girl who was summoning some demon that tried to kill me, Dean and my father all at the same time. She used us as bait for our father. We barely escaped with our lives.

That's when it all became crystal clear that we were better off apart then all three of us getting killed together. Dad was just plain vulnerable with us there and so were we. There was just no possible way to do this together without dying together. So, we went our separate ways and now I'm staring in the rearview mirror of the Impala at two bloody faces and my brother dying before my eyes one more time. No faith healer is going to save this one. We need a real hospital stay. The Impala is mangled against the front of a semi truck and the driver is no where to be found.

Next thing I know, I'm blinded by flashing lights and sirens. My father and brother are both rushed to the hospital and I am taken in for minor injuries. I pray they both pull through this. Yes. I'm the Winchester that believes in the power of prayer and hoping that my family won't all be killed at once.

I got the colt, but it does me no good without my dad and Dean to help. Especially since I can feel that Dean is still alive and well inside his coma. He keeps sending me signs of some sort.

Day 6: Choices

Some times we are given a choice and the choices are all bad, but have good side effects. My father chose to summons a demon and bargain for Dean's life. Dean is alive and well, but dad is dead and his soul is in hell. We have the colt to kill the demon, but our family is down another member. Now Dean chooses to shut down and not let me in on how he's feeling since Dad's death. He seems to be doing some sort of internal battle with something he won't let me in on. The more I ask questions, the more he tells me to just accept what he says and leave it alone. That's not good enough for me. I know demons aren't charitable. Dad told him something before he died and I want to know what the hell he said to him and why he won't tell me.

I haven't even seen Dean morn for our dead father yet. He seems to be afraid to cry. But, he's thrown himself into his work enough to scare the hell out of me. He is ruthless right now and it's freaky. He questions why he was spared and our father was taken. He doesn't understand why dad sold his soul to save Dean's and he doesn't understand why he had to die. But he sure wants a piece of that evil son of a bitch that took him.

Day 7: Trust

Ok, Dean finally cracked and laid everything on me. He misses dad and wishes he didn't die for him. But, he's also not telling me something pretty damn major and it's eating him up inside. He's on the verge of tears as he is warming up to tell me standing on the bridge.

Finally, he tells me Dad's final words to him were to keep me safe and protect me because one day He may have to kill me. I am beyond freaked out and go postal on Dean for not telling me that I may go "dark side". I cursed dad for not trusting me enough to tell me. I want to know why.

"Present day"

Well, you've read the history and you've seen what I've been through. You've see what lead up to the revelation that I had demon blood in me and that our mother may have known the demon. Well, Dean doesn't know any of this and I never told him exactly what the Yellow Eyed Demon revealed to me before we sent him back to hell along with opening a whole gate way of demons. Cold Creek changed me as a person all together.

Mom is a saint to Dean and I can't possibly take that image from his mind. He doesn't need to know that she knew I was given demon blood at 6 months old. He's been through enough drama having to bring me back from the dead at Cold Creek.

Then again, there's the side of me that still remembers how pissed I was that dad never trusted me enough to tell me about my destiny. I can't keep acting like nothing happened at Cold Creek either. He sold his soul for me and I'm keeping a huge secret from him. That's how I pay him back for all of his loyalty to me and his love. I'm protecting his innocence the same as he does mine. It doesn't seem fair, but I can't do that to him. I can't take away the one small victory we have accomplished together. The Yellow Eyed Demon is dead and we are free to be ourselves again. It's sparked a new hunt in us.

"Now"

200 miles outside of Richardson, Texas, Dean is sleeping in the passenger seat and I'm driving. This is a total role reversal because usually he drives and is entertaining himself singing along to some random classic rock song while I am sleeping in the passenger seat. I glance over and he is slumped against the window using his jacket as a make shift pillow. He looked comfortable and content.

My ass went numb about a couple hundred miles back and my arms are stiff from holding their position on the wheel so long. Suddenly, I got this idea. How asleep is Dean really? Will he even notice if I changed the radio? I decided to change the tape in the player. So far, just his snoring answered me back. He'd never notice the Bon Jovi tape that was playing. "You Give Love A Bad Name" comes on and I go into rocker mode. Drumming on the steering wheel and singing to myself like Dean had done hundreds of times before. He only slightly stirred, but only to adjust his pillow from sliding off the window. His rhythmatic snoring started up again.

I could totally fuck with him right now. I owe him for the itching powder. Gluing the bottle to his hand was just the beginning. Yeah, I know. I'm starting up the prank thing again that I bitched about before. It's so worth it for all the shit Dean did to me. This would be one hell of a pay back. OK. Time to think what I can use. There's not much in this car and I don't see an opportunity to pull over and stop without waking Dean up.

As if on cue, a can of shaving cream rolls up under my foot. Lucky for me, it's not the foot I'm driving with. I kick it closer to my opposite hand and attempt to carefully grab it off the floor without swerving and jerking the car all over the road. He mutters some comment about me falling asleep at the wheel and I said I was fine. Then he asked to change the radio and dozed back off like a charm. Some people really shouldn't talk when they are dead ass asleep. He randomly babbles things at me when he's asleep all the time. I ignore it if his eyes are closed because 9 times out of 10, he won't remember the conversation.

Finally, I get the can off the floor and into my hand. I stash it in my lap until I am sure that Dean is back to being one of the sleeping dead. Then I proceed to spray a blob into his hand. So far, so good. He's not moving or even trying to swat me away from him. He probably figures I can't do much while I am driving to him. Now, to get him to smash it in his face so I can get a picture of him. Tickling his nose is going to prove to be a harder feet while trying to stay on the road here. Time to get creative.

I get a couple of straws out of the glove box and stick them together enough to where I can reach over to Dean without missing a beat driving. This is going too perfect. I manage to tickles his nose a couple of times with the straw paper. He sits straight up in his seat and swats at whatever is in his face. I get a picture of him with shaving cream all over his face.

Dean: "What the hell?"

Sam: "You look like you're having a problem, there Dean."

Dean: "Yeah. It's called my pain in the ass younger brother fucking with me while I sleep."

He stretches the best he can and tries to wipe the sleep from his eyes without getting the shaving cream in his eyes. I'm giggling to myself.

Sam: "It's pretty damn dead out here. I have to make up my own scenery."

Dean: "That sounds familiar."

Sam: "Yeah, I wonder why. What's up with the shaving cream all over, dude?"

Dean looks in the mirror at his face and I start busting up laughing as he wipes it with some napkins.

Dean: "You're fucken dead. I swear to God, just wait."

Sam: "You put itching powder in my underwear. I owed it to you."

Dean: "You got me with the beer bottle glued to my hand and we called a truce. Remember that?"

Sam: "You also said for the next 100 miles and it's been over that. Come on, I was just messing with you."

Dean: "Yeah. Messing with me. Are we still in Texas?"

He reaches for the map on the floor in front of him and opens it to take a look at how close we are to our next destination.

Sam: "I think we just crossed over into New Mexico awhile back."

Dean: "Man, it's taking forever to get to California. What's out there again?"

Time to think fast. There wasn't really a job out there per say. More like a personal quest for answers.

Sam: "Another haunted movie set. Some restless spirit is killing off actors and sacrificing directors."

Dean: "Nice. At least it doesn't discriminate."

Sam: "I know. It's a different set then before with different people."

Dean: "I figured as much."

Truth is this isn't just any other job. I found out some information about mom being in Calico, CA and I am being driven there by one of those "feelings" I get when I am close to the truth. The more states we cross, the more intense the "feeling "gets. Cold Creek has changed me and I'm not just talking about Dean bringing me back from the dead. My senses are more in tune then they were before. I can see Calico clear as day in front of my eyes like I am living out the vision.

All of the sudden, I hear her voice in my head.

"Sammy, I'm waiting for you. You're so close. I love you."

This can't be happening. I can't hear voices in my head. Dean will think I'm nuts for sure.

Sam: (more to myself then to Dean) "Someone is fucking with me."

Dean: "Who?"

Sam: "What?"

Dean: "You said someone is fucking with you. Who's fucking with you?"

Sam: "Dude, I think you'd better drive. I'm feeling not quite myself right now."

Dean: "Ok. Pull over and I'll drive. No problem."

He had a genuine look of concern on his face when I couldn't answer him. I pulled over to the side of the road. Hell, I didn't even know if the voice was real. I just know it's not my own or Dean's voice. It's a female. He looks like I'm going to flip on him right now. My eyes are blurring into one of those visions again. I can see a blonde lady clear as day

"You need to tell your brother about me, Sammy. He needs to know."

Sam: "This can't be happening. I can't do this. Not right now."

I kneel down by the side of the car to clear my head, but it's not clearing. I can see her as if she is standing right next to me. Her hand on my shoulder comforting me. She's very maternal just from her touch and tone of voice. This was freaking me out and I'm not doing very well at hiding it from Dean. I know he can feel it happening to me too.

Dean: "Sammy? It's OK. You're starting to scare me. What's going on with you? You look pale."

Sam: "I just need to breath. It'll all make sense in a minute."

There's her soft feminine voice again. Clear as day. I'd swear she was standing there with Dean and me talking. But, Dean can't see or hear her. All he sees is his brother having another episode and is trying to help the best he can. His hands on my shoulder, I can hear my breathing starting to speed up more. Was it a panic attack? I've never done this.

"He needs to know. Come clean. You know it's the right thing to do. I wouldn't want you two to fight over this. He told you about your destiny. It's only fair."

I try to ignore the fact that she is right in my ear. I don't know what she wants or why she is in my head, but she is connected to finding the truth in Calico. I never really knew our mother. When the Yellow Eyed Demon showed me her, that was really the first time I'd seen and remembered her beautiful face. She was a spirit in our old house before and I thought she had sacrificed herself to get rid of the evil spirit in the house. Now she's trying to talk to me. I had to clear my head.

Dean wanted an answer and for me to go back to normal again. It scared him to not know what was going on with me. Hell, I don't know what's going on with me enough to explain it. I needed to know what that woman told him when she brought me back. Maybe she had something to do with this blonde lady. My mother figure. I shake my head as if I'm trying to clear her away from my mind.

Sam: "When you made that deal, did that girl say there was some sort of exception with the deal?"

Dean: "No. She never said there was an exception to the deal. You're acting really weird, here. Are you sure you're all right?"

I stand up back on my feet again. I still feel a bit light headed and woozy, but at least my breathing calmed down. That voice was quiet again. Some how I had to explain to Dean exactly what I was shown and why mom was in my head. He stepped away from me, not quite sure how to react or what to expect. He wasn't sure I wasn't loosing my last strand of sanity here.

Sam: "I just have a headache. It'll pass. You're sure there was nothing? It's really important that you tell me if there was even a slight difference."

Dean: "Yeah. I'm sure. It was just your standard deal. Give me my brother and I'll give you my soul. She gave me a year and that was it. No exceptions. No special circumstances or anything like that. Why are you asking me this? Does this have to do with you freaking out right now?"

Sam: "She didn't mention me coming back with some sort of new powers or some sort of tweaks to the new me? Aside from coming back from having my spinal cord severed and being left for dead of course. I just need to know and yeah, it has something to do with me freaking out. What if what she said caused it? What if she's making me have these weird visions and stuff?"

Dean: "No. No tweaks to the new you or new powers. Don't tell me you're buying into that whole "not 100 you" crap that the Yellow Eyed Demon was spewing at the graveyard. She wouldn't be giving you weird visions. She didn't say anything to me that would cause you to freak like this. I swear to you."

Sam: "The Yellow Eyed Demon is dead. He was fucking with us. There couldn't be any truth to that crap. Obviously, the deal is not causing me to have these panic attacks. I don't know what it is or why it's happening. I trade one strange connection for another. I can't do this anymore."

I sit on the passenger side seat with my feet out of the door. I genuinely feel like my head is about to explode. I'm tired of being used as bait for these fucken demons and their fucken little workers. It's getting old. I don't want to trade one for the other. It's not fair. I deserve some sort of break after killing the Yellow Eyed Demon.

Dean stands in front of me with that look on his face like he is expecting something to jump out of the car next to me. There's nothing there. It's just me. The woman seemed to have gone back where she had come from.

Dean: "There is no truth to what he was saying. I'll get you through this, Sam. I won't let you become a victim again. I can't lose you twice. How long have you been having these panic attacks?"

Sam: "I've been having them since we left Cold Creek. There's a voice in my head attached to these attacks. A female voice that is talking to me and trying to comfort me."

Dean: "A female voice in your head. Like a demonic voice or like a Jimmy Cricket type thing."

Sam: "I'd say it's a Jimmy Cricket thing. It's defiantly not evil and it's defiantly not trying to "come out" or "threw" me. She's just saying you need to know about her."

Dean: "Well, now I do. I know about her. She can leave your head and you can stop having these panic attacks because of her. Have you seen this female? Has she appeared to you?"

Sam: "No. I haven't seen her face. I just know she has blonde hair and she's wearing white. She's been guiding me to Calico, California. There's something she wants me to find there. She came to me right after the job in Richardson. I guess I'm supposed to find answers to what happened to her. She looks like mom."

Dean: "Why does mom want you to go to Calico? I don't understand why she's talking to you like this. Why wouldn't she just possess you? This isn't the usual supernatural stuff we deal with together. This sounds like it's more of a personal battle and she's trying to iron things out for you and answer your questions. "

Sam: "I told you she's not evil. So, she wouldn't possess anyone. She's just guiding me to help her because she's not here, I guess. Like I'm her physical body and she's my conscious. She wants you to know all about what I find."

Dean: "You're starting to freak me out, Dude. Why is this female that looks like mom interested in letting me know about her? I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the idea of her just kind of chilling out inside my brother's head. You're not Jennifer Love Hewitt for Christ Sake. We have this movie job to do and your head needs to be in the game. We watched mom sacrifice herself in Lawrence. She stopped that evil spirit from taking that woman and her child."

Sam: "You don't think I remember that? I'm not comfortable with her inside my head either, but there's not much I can do until I get to Calico, is there. Besides, I'm pretty sure the movie job is a cover up to get us out to California."

He gets in the driver's side and I shut my door.

Dean: "She'd better leave us the hell alone after this. I don't want some spirit thing inside your head mind fucking you. We still don't know what she is. She's supernatural."

Sam: "She may be supernatural, but part of me is supernatural too. Maybe that's why she chose me instead of you or someone else to do this job. I have a confession to make."

Dean: "Great, are we gonna get more gems like this female in your head impersonating mom?"

Sam: "It explains the female's interest in you right now. If it really is mom, she'd want you to know what I find out."

He starts the car and we get back on the road. He almost looks like he doesn't want to hear any more, but he listens to me anyway. I have to admit, if the roles were reversed and Dean was talking to me about this, it would sound like he was high on some sort of drug or been out drinking all night and dreamed her up. But, this is the line of work we're in.

Dean: "It better explain the female's existence all of the sudden as well. Why the hell is she trying to be mom anyway?"

Sam: "I had a dream in Cold Creek about mom. That's why she's taking on the form of mom. Her interest in you is trying to tell her sons what happened to her with the Yellow Eyed Demon and why he was in the room with me. That's what she exists."

Dean: "You dreamt of mom in Cold Creek. Why didn't you tell me you were dreaming about her?"

Sam: "Well, sort of. I mean, the Yellow Eyed Demon showed me in my crib and he was watching mom. Mom said "you" as he was dripping blood into my mouth. I have demon blood in me and mom knew him."

Dean: "Hell's gate was opening and releasing demons. Of course he's going to show you with demon blood in your mouth. He wanted you to lead that army of demonic freaks he killed off."

Sam: "That's just it, Dean. He killed them off. They all died except for me and Jake. I was left alive. So, he didn't want me to lead that freakish demonic army. He had special plans for me and believed I was the strongest out of all of them. So, why was Jake spared and I killed?"

Dean: "Technically, you're not dead. I brought you back. I screwed up his plans by bringing you back from the dead like that"

Sam: "You know what I'm talking about. He left Jake alive and had you bring me back to kill Jake. Jake was the only way he could cross over to the gate and have it opened. He knew I would never open the gate knowing you; Bobby and Ellen were out there fighting it. So, he had me killed. I'm out of the way. You go to bring me back. You're busy saving me and out of the way. So Jake was used to open the gate. Jake started a new war that we tried to end by shutting the gate. That's the new army they wanted me to lead. The Yellow Eyed Demon was talking about the new army of demons that escaped from the gate. I'm almost positive on that. As sure as that female's voice."

Dean: "Well, Thank God we ended it, right. I mean, those thousands of demons that escaped through the open gate couldn't possibly start a new war on their own. They would have to finish the one the Yellow Eyed Demon wanted. They couldn't possibly come back for you. Don't you get it, Sam? He was mind fucking you. He wanted you to believe you were part demon so you would turn on me and lead his army. You are my Sammy. You're a human being all the way. It was mind tricks."

Sam: "Think about it, Dean. Dad said you had to protect me because you would have to kill me one day. It makes perfect sense. My visions all lead back to that Yellow Eyed Demon bastard. Everything I saw somehow came back to him and his mind games he was playing. He was playing with mom's head too. That's why she was burned alive on the ceiling. He killed her because he wanted me to be his son."

Dean: "You're not the son of this Yellow Eyed Demon. You're a Winchester, dammit. You're my pain in the ass younger brother. John Winchester raised you. There is no way in hell you have any evil blood in your stream. Stop talking like that."

Sam: "I wish I was joking and this was all some sort of cruel mind fuck that the Yellow Eyed Demon was pulling on me. But it's not. I saw it with my own two eyes. It was shown to me. I saw mom standing next to him next to my crib. She knew who he was and talked to him. I heard her say "you". She didn't scream or anything. That's why dad didn't save her from him. Dad had no way of knowing that thing was upstairs messing with both of us."

Dean: "I'm not buying into this whole "evil Sammy" routine again. Last time, I got shot in the shoulder and you tried to kill me."

Sam: "I'm sorry, Dean. I'm the common link. Mom died because the Yellow Eyed Demon wanted me. Jess suffered the same fate because he didn't want her in the big picture. I'm the common link between their deaths."

Dean: "You had nothing to do with mom or Jess's death, Sam. He killed Jess and mom. That's why he had to die. We weren't going to let him torture people anymore. We're free from his powers. There is no more Yellow Eyed Demon. You did not kill them, Sam. You need to let this go and stop putting yourself through this hell. It's over. You're free from him and all that evil death stuff that went with him."

Sam: "I'm not just putting myself through hell. I know the truth now. You brought back your brother and your brother is going to get you out of that deal you made. I will figure out a way to get you out of that one year contract. This is a totally different kind of demon we're dealing with. I'm sure I can talk her into letting you go."

Dean: "Yeah, at what price? If she believes that you are the common link and are the leader of this new army, she's going to want you to fight the cause with them in exchange for me. She's going to want to talk you into embracing your destiny. Do you want to become one of them? Do you want me to have to waste you the way I waste every single one of those sons of bitches from hell? I'd rather kill myself then watch you die again."

Sam: "I'll figure something out. It won't involve either of us dying for the other. I'll make sure of that. You're my brother and I will make sacrifices for you the same way you do for me."

It went quiet for a little while. Just the sound of the radio and the wheels in Dean's head turning and contemplating the information I gave him. I'm sure his head is probably spinning with this revelation that I gave him. Are you happy now mom? He knows the truth and he knows all about you too. I hope you know what you're doing with this. He thinks I've lost my mind. Why do you want me to tell him I have the Yellow Eyed Demon's blood in me so bad? I guess bringing me back from the dead wasn't enough of a test for Dean. Considering Dean has always told me that "Things that are dead should remain dead." and then he turns around and brings me back from the dead costing him his own soul. Good going there, mom. Now he's screwed too. Dean pulls me out of my thoughts

Dean: "So, what about this female? You never did get to the part that would explain her. I don't think mom would be trying to convince you to tell me you had demon blood in you. She'd know this kind of information would tear us apart. That proves that this bitch inside you is evil. Tell her, whatever she is, if she ever shows her ghostly form to me, I'm going to salt and burn her bones. I want her gone. She needs to leave my brother's head and stop feeding him crap about being evil and killing people. It's not gonna happen. I killed the last demon that tried that shit."

Sam: "It's mom, Dean. The female voice in my head guiding me to Calico is mom. It's not some demon feeding me crap about being evil and killing people. You don't have to salt and burn anyone's bones. She is trying to get me answers to all these questions that are out there. There is nothing telling her to convince you. I told you because you're my brother and I don't want to hide what I know from you. I wanted to tell you what I saw at Cold Creek."

Dean: "No. It's not mom, Sam. Mom is gone. It's some evil half breed hatching bitch. She ousted you to me by saying you needed to come clean. She gave you the blood at 6 months old. She wanted me to kill the Yellow Eyed Demon so she can take over. Well, that's not going to happen. She's going down next. I will not have some half breed, hatching bitch whispering sweet nothings in my brother's ear. Especially some crock of shit about him being part demon."

Sam: "It's not some half breed hatching bitch, Dean. It's mom. I'm telling you the truth. She's the guide. She wanted the truth to come out. Now she wants to show us the proof. She's not trying to take me away from you and start something. It's not about the war for once. This is about us as a family now."

Dean: "So, I'm supposed to believe mom wanted us to kill the Yellow Eyed Demon so the secret about her leaving you alone to feed off a demon would come out? I'm supposed to just drive this car into Calico so I can have proof that my brother is some evil half breed she created at 6 months old before you could even defend yourself."

Sam: "Mom knew the Yellow Eyed Demon was coming for me. That's why she tried to protect me. That's why dad came upstairs when he did and had you take me out of the room. Mom wanted to save me from the Yellow Eyed Demon not give me to him. That's what dad tried to fight off. Mom's attempt to save my life and keep me innocent. She didn't want some evil half breed for a child either. That's why she gave me to dad."

Dean: "You're actually defending this action. Mom was sticking up for the one thing we were fighting all of our lives against. That's just plain sick."

Sam: "Look, I've been fighting since Cold Creek with this secret. I didn't want to shatter your innocent images of Mom any more then I wanted you to know I had demon blood. I wanted you to hold on to that picture of innocence for as long as possible."

Finally, I see a look of acceptance on Dean's face. He was finally accepting what I was telling him and couldn't think of any other logical explanations for what I had told him. The look on his face was one I couldn't quite read.

Dean: "Well, thanks for sparing me. You did a bang up job of not spilling the beans. I feel so much better knowing I rescued you after a blood feeding from some evil demon that killed my mother because he wanted a demon child of his own. That's reassuring, Sam."

There it was. That defensive sarcasm he pulled out when something was either hitting too close to home or hurting him. He was blaming himself now.

Sam: "I'm sorry this had to happen. I really am, but it tears me up inside too. I'm fighting evil while harboring evil blood. That explains the immunity to that virus and why my visions were always connected to him. I'm not exactly wearing a party hat and celebrating."

Dean: "Yeah and you expect me to go to Calico with you to prove my mother wasn't as innocent as we all wanted her to be. That's just perfect. I can't wait to see what other fun stuff we can discover together. I've had just about enough family history for the day."

Sam: "I don't know exactly what mom wants out of this or why she is sending us to Calico, but she is doing it for a reason. A good reason not an evil one. She wants us to find out all the information we can so we are mentally armed for the fight. That's why she wanted me to share what I find with you. I'm not telling you all this to hurt you or turn you against me."

Dean: "Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of. What kind of fight are we going into? What are we up against? There were hundreds of evil spirits released from that gate. There could be anything out there waiting for us."

Sam: "That's why we have work to do."

Sometime after all that, I fell asleep for awhile and I woke up in Nevada. I don't remember if Dean ever woke me up to change drivers or not. I'm pretty sure he did, but it all seemed to blend into a huge blur.

One thing I was sure of, it's hotter then hell out in the desert. We stopped at a hotel to take a break and recuperate from the drive. I remember going into another bad hotel room with another cheesy theme. We seem to be attracted to a lot of cheesy old motel rooms. But, this one is actually kind of nice. The beds are big and the shower has a rain shower head instead of the standard shower head.

I decide to take the first shower while Dean brought our gear in from the car. I heard the door shut and him shuffling stuff around on the floor. I closed my eyes and let the warm rain of water fall down on my tired body. It seemed to be rejuvenating every inch of my body. I started feeling like I was coming to life again. After soaking my body, I decided to wash up. I grabbed my wash cloth and soap and cleaned my body from head to toe. For once, Dean didn't say anything from the other room. Probably watching TV or something. I didn't think much about him being quiet. Except Dean is never quiet. So, he's up to something. I'm sure of it.

I washed my hair and shut the water off. I put my towel on and flung open the door before Dean had time to realize the water had stopped.

Sam: "Ha, I busted you."

Dean jumped back startled out of his rummaging around in one of the bags. He instinctively grabs for his blade sitting next to him and stops when he realizes I'm standing there.

Dean: "Dammit Sam, don't do that. Are you trying to give me a heart attack?"

Sam: "The last time I was trying to enjoy a good shower; I got itching powder in my shorts. So, you'll excuse me if I don't trust when you get quiet around our bags any more."

Dean: "The only thing you busted me doing was grabbing some clothes to change into."

He holds up his own clothes and heads towards the bathroom as I step out. I make sure to make a thorough search of everything before I touch anything I left out on the counter by the sink. He really didn't screw with anything. I'm totally shocked. He's either slipping or winding up for something really good later. I'm still gonna stay on my toes.