I cleared my throat uncomfortably. My face was burning, but my embarrassment was nothing compared to Edward's; he was making an unnatural choking sound as he stared at the monitor. "Well, we know this is a bunch of garbage. It isn't as if it's real. . . ."
He nodded quickly, still glaring at my computer and the incriminating story. "Yes. Completely toxic. None of it was true, aside from the pain of missing you. At least they got that right." He grimaced. "A little too right, if you ask me. It was as if I was standing there, watching over me as I was slowly dying inside from a broken heart. Not something that I consider particularly enjoyable."
My heart sank down a little. "It was exactly how I felt, too," I murmured. I focused on the screen and exited the story.
"Bella . . . I'm not sure how I can convince you how badly I feel about that. I—"
I put a hand up to stop him from continuing. When it was quiet, I smiled at him. His face was full of an ancient grief. "It's alright. I already know that you meant no harm in the end. And that it hurt you just as much as it did me. And the bizarre thing is," I added lightly, "I learned that from reading a crap-chute story created by a person who apparently stalks us."
He laughed. "What a way to put it: 'the person who apparently stalks us'." He stiffened slightly and frowned. "Do you think that that might actually be what's happening?"
Before I could say anything, he strode over to the window and peered through the blinds. "Nothing but rain out there," he observed. But even when he padded silently over to me—because Charlie was still remarkably asleep, due to the miracles of Tylenol and a cold—his eyes shifted all around the room, searching for any spying devices that the FBI might have implanted.
I glanced back to my computer. It had turned black. "Crap," I muttered. I hit the top of the computer a little to smack it into working again. No such luck.
"Bella; can I borrow your phone?"
"Why?" I asked, frustration swelling with my ancient technology and its stubborn refusal to work.
"Because you broke my cell phone, I can't call Jasper; he might be interested in this site."
I blinked. He was right; Jasper would be extremely interested in this. And he could read some of it aloud to us because my computer was being an idiot right now. I nodded and pointed to my purse on my nightstand.
Edward was a blur as he retrieved it, and was already dialing the number before I could blink. He didn't have to wait long before someone picked up.
"Jasper?" he asked.
I leaned against the chair I had been sitting in, gazed at the ceiling and sighed. I had no doubt in my mind now.
This wouldn't end well. Not by a long shot.
"Jasper?" Edward asked. With my years of practice, I could detect a form of desperation hiding in his voice. Even though I couldn't sense emotions over the telephone line, I could tell when Edward was repressing something really serious.
"What is it? Is Bella alright?" I demanded. A twinge of guilt pricked through me as I remembered her last birthday; it had ended with me trying to drain her of blood all because she had gotten a paper cut. Knowing Bella, she had probably broken her arm by tripping over her shadow.
"Yes, she's fine. I just need you to search something on your computer, please."
I paused, temporarily flabbergasted. "Edward . . . are you alright in the head? Why do I have to look something up? Stop being lazy and do it yourself." I was about to hang up the phone when I heard Bella's voice talking.
"Jasper, please do it. My computer's busted here, and there is something important about you on this web site we found."
"Web site?" I repeated.
Bella gave me a shortened explanation as I ran to the study room. The computer logged in too slow for my taste, but I squelched down my frustration. What had been on this website? According to Bella, really disturbing stories involving me and my family. In these stories, they revealed our deepest thoughts and desires. What a dangerous website to have come across.
"Alright, I'm in," I said, scrolling down the list of links.
"Jasper, I should warn you; if you see a fan fiction with your name on it, please don't click it."
"Why?" I spotted one and hovered the mouse over the link.
"Because you'll regret it; don't look at them!" Bella insisted.
"It can't be all that bad," I scoffed. I clicked it anyway and waited until the screen popped up. It was only about three pages long. Not that bad, and quick to read, too.
" 'Jasper stared at Mike as the showers overhead sprayed his body with water, making him glisten. Jasper could always appreciate a well-oiled man. Especially one as well endowed as the glorious sex icon, Mike Newton.'" I stopped reading, mortified.
On the other line, I heard Edward and Bella stifling laughter. I grounded my teeth. "What the hell was that?"
Edward chuckled a little. I felt like strangling his scrawny little neck to shut him up. "It gets worse, I'm sure."
I nearly keeled over at that point. "WORSE? How can this possibly get worse?! I'm checking out Mike Newton in the boy's shower room at school."
Bella howled with laugher in the background.
"It'll get worse," Edward assured me.
I summoned all the courage I had and read on. " 'Yes. Jasper only married Alice to make it seem as if he WASN'T gay; the perfect cover up. But how could someone so intone with his feelings NOT be homosexual?
'OMG EMMETT!!!!!!!!!' Jasper panted. Emmett looked over to him.
'Isn't Mike like, totally HAWT today? Look at that ass—he has dimples!' Jasper wiped the drool off his chin. 'Should I run over and touch him? Should I? Should I?'
Emmett looked uncomfortable. 'Sure, whatever you want.'
Jasper ran over to Mike. When he didn't look his way, he pouted. It was time to do the mating dance it seemed. Jasper preformed a series of butt shakes and shimmies, along with a few hip thrusts and a sound that resembled a constipated elephant. He certainly got a few stares then. Jasper smiled. All the other boys were obviously jealous of mike for getting such attention.
Mike had finally looked his way and his eyes were as big as saucers. It seemed that he was so entranced by Jasper's mating dance that he couldn't even speak. Jasper completed his dance by doing the Cotton Eye Joe as the grand finale. He licked his lips, winked at Mike and spanked himself. "There's more coming YOUR way, bay-bay!"'
My left eyelid twitched. Of course, it didn't help that Edward and Bella were suffering from laugh overdose, either. They were practically screaming with laughter.
I exited the site, scarred for life, and hung up without saying goodbye. I doubt that they could have heard me over their obnoxious laughing.
I was never going to be able look at Mike Newton the same way again.
(A/N retarded chapter, I know. But I'm weird. –shrugs- I decided to add another chapter because I need space to dump all my comedy, and NOT make Heaven Help Me much more funnier then it was supposed to be. I have to continue with a serious plot. So that's why these twilight stories are sounding as if I was on crack. Sorry for the long wait.)