Musicals in a Minute
by The Lark
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these musicals. You can sue me if you want, but with the amount of money I've got, you probably shouldn't waste your time. Oh, and I kind of stole this idea from Rinkworks' Book-A-Minute page. I highly recommend the site to anyone in need of a good laugh, and hope its owners will forgive this shameless plagiarism.
Jean Valjean: I'm the good guy
Inspector Javert: Are not!
Valjean: (rescues every other character in the play)
Javert: Wow, I guess I was wrong. I'm not supposed to be wrong! Circuits overloading! Error! Error!
(Everybody dies, but the big rousing musical number at the end somehow makes it feel like a happy ending)
Phantom of the Opera
Christine Daae: I have an invisible friend who lives in my mirror.
Raoul, Vicomte de Chagny: Whatever you say, honey.
Erik: (voice booming from the mirror) DID YOU JUST CALL MY GIRLFRIEND "HONEY"?! OH MY GOD, I'VE BEEN DUMPED! (freaks out and strangles a random guy)
Christine: (to Raoul) Told ya.
Erik: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? (strangles another random guy) I HAD OUR CHILDREN'S NAMES PICKED OUT AND EVERYTHING!
Christine: Erik, I really feel for you, but I just don't like you in "that way". (gives him a kiss) Now how about calling off your murderous rampage?
Erik: (sigh) Okay
(Erik suddenly vanishes into thin air, because Andrew Lloyd Webber was too lazy to write a real ending)
Roger: I'm dying. Woe is me.
Mimi: Chill out. I'm dying too, but you don't see me getting all whiney about it. Now come on, let's go make out!
Roger: No can do. I'm too busy writing angst to fall in love right now. Please, get out of here, before I start to cheer up!
Angel: We're dying too, so we'd better party while we've still got the chance.
Collins: Sounds good to me!
Joanne: Maureen, I love you, but you're really annoying.
Maureen: Right back at you, babe.
Mark: (sigh) I don't know how I got mixed up in this story, but whatever.
Benny: Yeah, yeah, your problems are all very interesting, but pay me the rent money you owe me or you're gonna be sleeping in the gutter.
(Someone dies, and it is heartbreaking. Someone almost dies, but then doesn't, and it is heartwarming)
Amneris: I love you, Radames!
Radames: I love enslaving people!
Aida: I hate you, Radames!
Radames: I hate you too!
Aida: I hate you more!
Radames: (dreamy look) …You know, Aida, you're really cute when you're angry.
Aida: Are you coming on to me? Yuck!
Radames: Kiss me!
Aida: Absolutely not!
Radames: (pout) Please?
Aida: (dreamy look)…You know, Radames, you're really cute when you're pouting…
They are buried alive as punishment for falling in love, because the ancient Egyptians believed in creative sentencing
The Scarlet Pimpernel
Sir Percy Blakeney: I can't tell my wife about my secret identity because I'm afraid she'll betray me.
Marguerite: (betrays him anyway)
Sir Percy Blakeney: (saves the day, then models the latest fashions)
Coalhouse Walker, Jr: (commits mass murder)
Younger Brother: Wow, you're so cool!
Father: What are you talking about? He's evil!
Coalhouse: Hey, those jerks deserved to die! They messed up my car!
Coalhouse: Oh, uh, and killed my girlfriend.
All: (sympathetic) Awww!
(Various historical figures make cameos and wave miniature American flags )
Lucy the Slut: I'm a slut
Brian: I'm a loser
Christmas Eve: I'm foleign
Princeton: I'm naïve
Kate: I'm loveable
Nicky: I'm a slob
Rod: I'm Bert--I mean Rod.
All: And our lives are !#$ !#$ !#$-ing !#$!!!
Audience: Aw, isn't that cute? The puppets learned how to swear.
Kim: My life sucks. What I need is a big strong man.
Chris: I'll do it! I'll be your big strong man!
Kim: I love you, Chris. Now marry me and take me out of this dump!
(They are torn apart by war, and reunited three years later)
Kim: My life still sucks. Oh, and we have kid now whose life also sucks. Marry me and take us out of this dump.
Ellen: Back off, he's mine now!
Chris: Yup, sorry.
Kim: Oh. Well, then, I guess I'll just crawl into a hole and die.
Martin Guerre: Look! I'm Martin Guerre!
Arnaud du Thil: No, I'm Martin Guerre!
Martin Guerre: Are not!
Arnaud du Thil: Am too!
Martin Guerre: Are not!
Arnaud du Thil: Okay, I give up, he's right.
Guillaume: Well, now that that's settled, let's all go crazy and kill each other!
(They do, and it's kinda pointless)
The Secret Garden
Archibald Craven: I'm a cripple and my wife is dead and my kid is dying and LIFE SUCKS!
Colin Craven: I'm a cripple and my mom is dead and my dad hates me and LIFE SUCKS!
Mary Lennox: (plants some flowers, which somehow fixes everything)
Mrs. Reed: I hate you, Jane Eyre!
Mr. Brocklehurst: I hate you, Jane Eyre!
Edward Rochester: I love you, Jane Eyre!
Jane Eyre: I love you too!
Rochester: Really? Well, then, I know you won't mind my deep dark secret
Jane: You have a deep dark secret?! (runs away)
Rochester: (sigh) I lose more women that way…
St. John Rivers: Aw, Jane, cheer up. Why waste time crying over him when you could come and toil in some godforsaken jungle with me.
Jane: Er, that sounds delightful, but I think I hear Rochester calling me… (runs back)
Deuteronomy: (looks wise) We're Jellicle cats!
Grizabella: (looks miserable) We sing Jellicle songs!
Mistoffeles: (shoots flashy stuff out of his paws) And act out Jellicle metaphors!
Andrew Lloyd Webber: (standing atop a pile of moneybags) And make me lots of Jellicle money!
A/N: If anyone can think of any other musical they'd like me to ultra-condense for them, by all means, let me know.