A/N: This story is slash with a R/S pairing. You are warned, please do not review me to tell me how much you hate this pairing. Secondly this is rated only T. As an avid believer in gay rights I refuse to believe that the presence of a homosexual relationship is immediate grounds for the story to be rated as an adult. It is, however, rated T for some swearing, drinking, and angst. Again, no emails whining about it. I think that's all. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine; he was created by JK Rowling, who I am not and is owned by lots of people and companies who are not me. I don't mean to make any money from this story, and probably couldn't if I tried, so please do not sue me.
The moon was waning. A nearly invisible sliver was all that could be seen of its brightness; it had been over two weeks since the last time it was full. It was, Remus reflected staring deep into his own glass of amber coloured liquid, a very good thing. There was no way he would have been able to drink this much had his body still been in its weakened post-transformation state. As it was, he felt very fuzzy and could barely concentrate on what Sirius was saying.
"I don't tell James everything." Sirius leaned in close enough for Remus to smell the alcohol on his breath. His normally pristine hair was ruffled, the knot in his school tie had slipped so far down the fabric that it was nearly undone.
"Really?" Remus replied, doubt creeping in around the edges of the fuzziness.
"No. There are some things about me that even James doesn't know." Sirius whispered.
"Like what?" Remus asked, more to keep his thoughts away from the weird buzzing in his head and the fact that the floor had decided to begin moving around.
Sirius hesitated for a moment, he looked over at James and Peter who were now passed out on the floor, blissfully snoring. He then closed his eyes, leaned forward, and crushed his lips against Remus's.
Remus stiffened in shock as Sirius's tongue invaded his mouth. Panic coursed through his body as Sirius's hands began to run through his hair. He had no idea what to do, should he kiss Sirius back? Just as he decided that he should indeed, Sirius pulled back. A horrified expression crossed his face before he toppled over sideways and began snoring.
Completely bewildered, Remus touched his own lips, never taking his eyes off Sirius. He felt lightheaded and could still feel Sirius's lips on his own… Sirius's hands running through his hair… his tongue caressing his own. He stared at Sirius's sleeping form for a full five minutes, before stumbling back to his own bed and falling into a deep sleep.
The next morning he woke up wooly headed and exhausted. He smiled, and then took a minute to remember why he felt so happy. When he remembered, the smile fell of quickly as it had come. Sirius had kissed him last night. What did it mean? He sat up quickly and looked around; none of the other Marauders were in their bed or passed out on the floor. He swung his legs over the bed and looked quickly at his watch. Breakfast was still going on in the great hall. The world tilted alarmedly when he stood, so he carefully got dressed and made his way down to the Great Hall. He approached the Gryffindor table warily. James and Sirius were sitting at the end, laughing uproariously at something. Remus could hear James as he got closer to the table.
"…then I told him that if Snape wasn't so greasy then maybe he wouldn't have fallen off his chair!" James ended, mimicking Snape sliding off his chair.
Sirius let out a great bark and slapped the table. "All right there, mate?" Sirius asked, catching sight of Remus. "Hung over at all? You were pretty gone last night."
"Yes," Remus replied looking at him closely. Sirius looked… well… absolutely normal. He was still chuckling at James's story as Remus slid into the spot next to him. "You?" Remus asked, still observing Sirius more closely.
Sirius seemed to be aware of his scrutiny because a slight blush crept up his cheeks; however he shook his head resolutely. "'Course not," he replied a little too quickly in Remus' eyes.
After that things were normal. Remus watched Sirius carefully all throughout the day, looking for any indication that Sirius remembered what had happened the night before. However carefully he watched, he couldn't see any. By the end of the day Remus's nerves were afire, he found himself begging off dinner in favor of pacing around their dorm room, muttering to himself. He didn't know what it meant when Sirius had kissed him, but he didn't think that he would've done it, even drunk, if he didn't feel something for him. He thought that Sirius might remember what happened, and even if he didn't, the kiss had to mean that Sirius liked him, didn't it? Couldn't he just ignore what happened and then nothing would have to change.
"But I don't want to," Remus announced suddenly to the room. He realized it was true. He wanted to kiss Sirius again, he wanted to feel Sirius hands running through his hair, he wanted to…
"You don't want to do what?" an amused voice asked from the doorway. Remus turned to find Sirius standing there, watching him pace up and down the room with a smirk on his face.
Remus blushed, "Finished with dinner already?" he asked trying to sound nonchalant.
"Wanted to make sure you were alright," Sirius answered, watching him carefully.
Suddenly Remus decided to go straight to the point. "You kissed me last night. Do you remember?"
"What?" Sirius's grey eyes widened with shock. He thought, or rather hoped, that Remus hadn't remembered that. The two had, after all, been deep in the bottles at the time he had done it.
Remus nodded, amber eyes intently staring into grey ones. "You kissed me," he repeated. "Did you think I'd forgotten?"
"Look, I'm sorry, alright?" Sirius was speaking very quickly, his eyes widening with panic, "I was drunk I didn't know what I was doing…"
"Do you love me?" Remus asked, his breath hitching in his throat.
"Yes… but you…" Sirius never got to finish his sentence. Suddenly he felt Remus's lips crushing into his. His mind had just a moment to process the irony of their reversed positions, before all thought burned away. This kiss was hot, and passionate. It ran like lava from his mouth down to his toes and shot back up again. Before he knew what he was doing, he was returning Remus's probes into his mouth with desperate ones of his own. He felt Remus groan against his mouth as he ran his fingers through his hair coming to a rest at the back of his head.
"What the hell are you guys doing?"
The cry behind them startled them apart. Guiltily, they both swung around to find James standing in the doorway that Sirius had left wide open. James's face was a mask of disgust and horror.
"James…." Sirius began to say, biting his lip, but before he could finish James turned his heel and ran down the hall.
Remus ran a shaky hand through his hair.
"Bugger!" Sirius cursed, swinging around to face Remus, "I have to go after him… he's my best friend but…"
"I understand," Remus said faintly, casting a worried look out the door.
"I'll be right back!" Sirius gave his hand a squeeze before running out to chase after James.
Remus sagged against the bed frame, feeling the ghost of Sirius's lips and the echo of James's words, what the hell had they just been doing?
He groped his way to his bed and huddled up in the middle, wrapping his arms around his knees. He couldn't keep himself from staring at the heavy door anymore than he could keep his mind from racing, playing all the worst case scenarios over and over again until he thought his head would burst. Sirius coming back and saying it was over… James coming back and kicking the shit out of him… both of them coming back and taunting him with what they'd forced him to reveal…
Mercifully the door began to open, distracting Remus from his rapidly increasing anxious thoughts. With mounting anxiety, he swung his legs over to the side of the bed and stood, ready to face whatever was going to come through that door.
A blond head peaked around uncertainly. Peter. Remus sighed and sank back into the bed.
"Remus?" Peter asked, "What's going on? James just ran past me looking madder than hell with Sirius following him."
Remus became very interested in an infinitesimal speck on his bedspread. "I kissed Sirius," he said, not looking up. He heard a gasp then the door closing. He sighed, guessing Peter left in disgust. Unbidden tears came into his eyes; everything was so messed up. What if Sirius and James could no longer be friends… because of him? What if he'd managed to break up the best group friends he'd ever had… a group that had done so much for him….
The bedsprings creaked as a weight settled on the opposite end of his bed. Remus looked up to see Peter sitting there looking at him curiously with just the faintest trace of revulsion in his eyes. "What do you mean you kissed Sirius…. are you and Sirius….." his voice trailed off.
"I don't know," Remus said miserably, resting his head on his knees. He felt Peter shift around on the bed until he was next to him. A moment later Peter's arm was around his shoulders reassuringly.
"It's okay," Peter said warmly. "James is just being a prat, is all. You'll see everything will be alright. I'll wait with you until they come back."
Remus looked at him in amazement. "Thank you, Wormtail," was all he could manage to say.
Sirius's footsteps pounded around him, echoing off the walls of the castle. He realized vaguely that they were headed in the direction of the main doors, but he was far too busy trying to catch up with James to fully comprehend this bit of information. He finally caught sight of him just as he wrenched open the doors and ran out into the night. Thunder was rumbling, and rain was coming down in sheets. Sirius was drenched the second he passed through the archways.
"James!" Sirius cried following him into the downpour. James was standing in the rain, his hands on his knees, gasping for breath. Sirius wasted no time in running up to him. "James! Wait a minute…I can explain…"
James whipped around suddenly and shoved Sirius hard in the chest, "Explain what? What the hell were the two of you doing! He's a guy, Sirius. It's disgusting!"
Sirius stared at his best friend for a moment, his blue eyes becoming ice chips. "Merlin, James... I never thought you'd be one of those." He spun around; back rigid and chin high he marched into the castle.
James stared after him for a moment. "Shit," he said as he kicked the ground and walked off into the rain.
A lifetime later the door opened with a bang, startling Remus and causing Peter to nearly fall off the bed. Sirius stood in the doorway looking furious and dripping wet. Without hesitation he marched over to Remus with his head held high, looking every inch the member of a pureblood family, pulled Remus up and kissed him passionately.
The kiss swept through Remus setting every nerve afire and left him gasping for breath when they broke apart. Sirius was looking at Peter proudly as if he were expecting a confrontation. Peter just smiled and got off the bed.
"I'll leave you guys alone," he said walking towards the door. He left without a further comment.
Sirius stared after him in amazement. "Who would've guessed Wormtail would understand better than my supposed best friend."
Remus smiled faintly and shook his head. "What are we going to do?" he asked uncertainly.
"Do? What do you mean?" Sirius replied sharply. "We're not going to do anything, James is just being a prick. Either he'll come around or he wasn't worth caring about in the first place. Either way he doesn't affect us." As if to prove his point he pulled Remus to him and kissed him forcefully again.
A niggling worry remained in Remus' head, but it was quickly banished away as Sirius began doing very interesting things with his tongue.
It looked as though it was the end of the Marauders. Sirius and James weren't speaking to each other. Many of the younger students were caught giggling and staring at them, marching down opposite sides of the hall with identical expressions of fury, each refusing to acknowledge the other's presence. Even Remus had to admit that the two of them looked a bit ridiculous. Peter flitted between the two, nervously trying to spend equal amounts of time with each and looking like he wanted to disappear every time he encountered one when he was with the other.
Despite the vague feeling of amusement, Remus was miserable. Although Sirius acted gentle and normal in private, whenever the two of them were around James, Sirius was suddenly over affectionate. At first it was just little things like holding his hand at the breakfast table, but it quickly went to absurd new heights when Sirius got them both in detention for "displaying excessive affection in public." He couldn't escape the feeling that Sirius was using him to drive James crazy and the thought bothered him more than he would've thought possible. He couldn't escape the feeling that he was breaking apart the only thing in his life that he had going for him.
The worst thing was that he couldn't even discuss his feelings with Sirius, for if he as much as mentioned James, Sirius began to mutter about that "stupid homophobic prick." Or "what a great friend he turned out to be." Or he'd just simply start spewing profanities under his breath. Peter was sympathetic, but he didn't really understand. Peter had only had a few girlfriends, and none that he really cared about, so he couldn't understand what it was like to be afraid that something that was so special was being turned into a vile way for Sirius to get back at James for not understanding him.
Then there was James. James never even looked at either him or Sirius. The morning after the explosion, Remus tried to pull James aside and speak to him, only to be shrugged off roughly with a "get off Lupin!" After than Remus didn't even try to talk to him, he didn't want to be reminded of how much James hated him right now.
"Shove off, Wormtail! I don't want to talk about it!" James snapped.
Peter quailed for a minute, then rallied every bit of courage he had. It had been weeks since "the incident" as he thought of it, and Peter was miserable watching his group of friends disintegrate over something so petty. "But I don't understand, James," he insisted, trying to ignore James's piercing glare. "They like each other… why is it so different because they're guys? I can't believe you're willing to let blind prejudice ruin…"
"Shut up, Peter!" James hissed, "I'm not prejudiced! I don't care that they're…" He spun around and punched the wall behind him. His eyes widened for a split second before he sank to the floor and cradled his hand.
"James! Are you okay?" Peter knelt next to his friend. "Come on, James… if you're not prejudiced then what is going on?
A long moment passed, Peter had just about given up on getting an answer when James whispered brokenly, "I just don't understand. Sirius is… was… my best friend, and he never even told me…" He stopped, looking up at Peter, his face immeasurably sad. "He didn't even trust me enough to tell me that he was into guys, much less that he was into Remus. How long do you think they were sneaking around behind our backs? Why didn't they trust us enough to tell us? I thought we were all friends, but how can we be friends when they didn't even trust us enough to tell us something like that?"
Peter was stunned, it never even occurred to him that James felt this way, "But they weren't sneaking around." He insisted, "That was the first time they ever even…" He felt a blush creep up on his cheeks, "Remus told me that they never even talked about being… you know… into each other before then."
"I didn't know that," James said slowly. "But it doesn't change the fact that my best friend didn't trust me enough to tell me that he was into guys. He must have known before then and he never told me." There was genuine hurt and bewilderment in his voice now.) "We weren't as good of friends as I thought." James shook his head. "Anyway, I don't want to talk about it."
"But…" Peter tried, he felt that if he could get James to talk just a bit more then they could work this out and go back to the way things were. Go back to being friends.
"No, Peter." James said running his good hand over his face. "Just leave it, okay?" Slowly and tiredly he got up and walked away.
Peter nodded, a gloomy knot forming in the pit of his stomach. He just wanted everything back the way it was.
Night was the only time he got any peace at all. At night he was free from Sirius's vengeance induced affection, from Peter's sympathetic concern, and from James's glares. He lay in his bed with the curtains drawn tight and just felt the tears spill down his cheeks. He'd thought about how it would be if he and Sirius ever got together and this certainly wasn't how it was supposed to be. He imagined Sirius being gentle, caressing, sharing with him and listening to him. Although Sirius was all those things, in private, he couldn't shake off his disgust at how Sirius acted whenever they got within twenty meters of James.
It was too warm in the dorms, he felt like as though he was suffocating. With a heavy sigh he threw off his covers and sat up in his bed. He listened for just a moment, but there wasn't any change in the breathing patterns of the other occupants. Throwing on a dressing robe and slippers, he crept out of the doorway. At the end of the hall there was a window that led to the outside, he crawled out of it and sat on the adjoining roof. This was his favorite place to think, back when he'd had to keep his werewolf secret from his friends he would often seek solace out here, in the cool darkness.
He settled in and stared across the grounds. The moon was a little over a quarter full; he only had a week left until his next transformation. He didn't know what would happen then; would James and Wormtail even come? Would Sirius be able to handle the wolf on his own? Or would he be forced through his first solitary transformation in over a year? He shook his head, amazed that he hadn't even thought of how this would affect his transformations before. He felt tears start to form in his eyes, and since there was no one around to see them he let them flow freely down his cheeks.
"Remus?" a soft voice came from beside him. He stiffened, recognizing James's voice even before his shadow detached from the window.
"What do you want, James?" Remus asked in a tired voice. "I don't want to fight, okay?"
"I just want to talk to you."
Remus couldn't keep a dry chuckle from escaping. "You haven't wanted to speak to me for weeks and now you're creeping around in the middle of the night for a chat?" he asked, harshly.
"I just wanted to… make sure you're all right," James said uncertainly. Remus could see him fidgeting uncomfortably in the dim light of the moon.
"Me? I'm bloody fantastic," Remus said sarcastically. "One of my best friends in the entire world is acting like a total prick and the only one who is acting worse is my boyfriend. How are you doing?"
James sighed and sat next to him. "I'm sorry, Remus. I shouldn't have tried to… I shouldn't have acted mad at you. I'm not mad at you. I don't mind that you are Sirius are seeing each other… it's just…." He paused and gazed unto the vacant grounds. Remus waited patiently. A light from what Remus could only assume was one of Hagrid's lanterns, was moving around in the depths of the forbidden forest. He and James watched it for a moment before James continued. "Look I just wanted to say I'm sorry, that's all. Please don't be miserable on account of me." He started to stand, but was stopped by Remus's hand on his shoulder.
Remus was staring at him incredulously, gripping his shoulder tightly. "What do you mean you don't have a problem with me and Sirius? What the hell is this all about then?" His eyes flashed and his face turned red as his temper mounted, "Why are you putting Sirius and me through this?" His voice was hoarse and ragged. The last week had been so bloody hard…
James didn't look at Remus, he was absorbed in fiddling with a stray thread on his sleeve. "I did have a problem at first… I'm not proud of it, but I was just shocked that's all. I didn't react well I suppose.
"Didn't react well?" Remus echoed, letting go of James's shoulder.
"Yeah. Then I got to thinking… Sirius must have felt this way for awhile… he must have known he was into guys for even longer than that. I dunno, I was just hurt by it all," he concluded, rubbing his hand over his face tiredly. "I'm a moron okay? I'm sorry; I shouldn't have tried to make you feel like shit… none of this is your fault."
Comprehension was slowly dawning on Remus. "This is all because Sirius didn't tell you first? James, he didn't really know, there wasn't really anything to tell."
James nodded. "That's what Peter said." He put his head in his hands. "I've really screwed up, haven't I?"
"Yeah, but I'm sure Sirius will come around. Especially if you apologize for being an absolute git."
James stiffened for a moment then turned to see a twinkle of mischief in Remus's eyes. "Wanker," He said, punching him lightly on the arm.
They sat in companionable silence for a while before James turned to him. "What did you mean when you said that Sirius was being an even bigger prick than me? I mean, I know he's been an arse to me but that was for a reason, what's he done to you?"
It was Remus's turn to fidget. "It's just the way he acts with me… when you're around. I'm sure you've noticed." His voice was bitter, "All of a sudden he's… well…" His voice trailed off as a blush crept up his cheeks.
"Got his tongue down your throat?' James suggested helpfully, "Or his hands down your pants? Or his…"
"Yes," Remus cut him off.
"You mean he's not always like that?"
"Only when you're around."
Remus felt tears pricking his eyes. "It was just supposed to be more special than that. You know? I've dreamed about this for a long time, and now… I don't know."
"I'm sorry, Remus," James said, looking out over the grounds. "I hope I haven't ruined this for you guys."
"You haven't," a new voice said.
Remus and James were so startled they almost fell off the ledge.
"Dammit Sirius!" James said, forgetting for a moment they were supposed to be fighting. "Are you trying to kill us or something?"
Sirius was a shadow leaning against the window. Remus realized with a start that he had no idea how long Sirius had been there. "You haven't ruined anything James," Sirius continued as if nothing had happened, "I nearly did."
Remus was stunned as Sirius carefully picked his way over to them; his face looked tired and haggard in the moonlight. Kneeling next to them, he sighed heavily. "James…. I'm sorry, mate. I just got so angry at the idea that you couldn't accept part of who I am, I thought I could count on you to do that…" Sirius's voice trailed off, he looked away uncomfortably.
James sighed and rubbed the side of his nose. "Well I couldn't accept it at first," he admitted. "I was just so damn surprised. I didn't know what to do. I thought I was your best friend, but you didn't tell me anything about this." The hurt note was back in his voice.
Sirius leaned against the wall and ran both hands through his hair, face was completely in shadow. "I felt weird about it," he finally said. "There wasn't other guys, only Remus and… and I didn't know that he felt the same way, so I tried to ignore it. I wasn't trying to keep secrets or hurt you, James." He rested his head on his knees. "I fucked up, okay? Everything would've been easier if I'd talked to you in the first place, but I was afraid of how you would react.. and then when you reacted the way I was afraid you would…" He was startled out of talking when he felt James's arm on his shoulder.
"I fucked up too," James said. "It's okay, mate." Sirius smiled at him.
Sirius moved between James and Remus. "I'm sorry, Remus, I never should've acted that way. I was just so angry… I wanted to make James uncomfortable, but I never thought about how it made you feel." His breath caught in his throat, "and if you don't want to… be… with me anymore, I'll completely understand." Sirius was looking at him pleadingly now, "But I'm really sorry I screwed this up."
Remus just looked at him, his mind made up in an instant, he leaned forward and kissed Sirius chastely on the lips. James looked away with a smirk. Sirius grinned, his whole face lighting up as Remus pulled back. He casually swung his arm around Remus's shoulders as they settled back. Remus smiled and laid his head on his chest. An easy companionable silence descended as they stared across the moonlit grounds.
A/N: Thank you so much for reading. Please review with criticism or compliments. I like both. Also if you liked this please read my other one-shot that is its companion, "Traitors", about what happens when it all falls apart. Much love and thanks to my beta, Dana (A Hard Days Night) and mistakes left in this piece are mine, and are probably in the parts I messed with after she looked at it. Thank you.