Disclaimer: I'm getting bored saying this. I don't own Harry Potter.


Thanks to everyone who reviewed and pushed and threatened me mercilessly…

Love you guys!

This update takes place some years after everyone graduated from Hogwarts.


The screams were louder and growing with intensity every couple of moments. Those in the room looked at each other in horror, not daring to speak, to breathe. Heart pounded harder and Ron perspired horribly, a muscle in his right eye twitching, causing him to seem as if he was winking repeatedly at everyone.

Ginny leaned over the seat where she was huddled frightened against Lavender, and smacked him over the head. "No time to be winking! She's dying!"

Harry, ever the valiant leader, tried to calm down his 'troops'. "She's not dying, she's strong, she can withstand it." He winced when the most terrifying, bone-chilling scream came from the room they were unable to enter. "Dear God, she is dying."

"How dare you!?!" Pansy couldn't stand it anymore. She couldn't get up from the seat, so she pulled him closer and pounded him viciously in front of everyone. "This is all your fault Potter!"

"Ouch! Ai! Oi!" Harry cried as he tried to defend himself from her blows. "Stop that! Pansy that hurts!"

Ron's eyes opened and he blushed. "What?" He exclaimed in horror. "Harry's fault?" He looked at his friend in disgust. "I never thought you capable of backstabbing your friends like that Harry Potter!"

"No you idiot!" Since Ron was out of her reach, Pansy grabbed the first thing her hands came into contact with and threw it at him. Luckily for him, it was a magazine. "I'm not talking about Hermione! I'm talking about me!" She motioned to her humongous stomach. "Hermione isn't a cry-baby, and if she's screaming like that during labor, then I'm going to die when James is born! And it's all Potter's fault!"

"You do realize that you are a Potter too, right dear?" Harry winced, still slightly frightened of his wife as he had when they were dating in Hogwarts.

"Mione, dear, push." They could hear Blaise saying. "The doctor said to push."

"YOU bloody PUSH!" Hermione shrieked viciously. "I'm PUSHING!"

"Hermione…" Draco began in a scolding tone.

"Don't you 'Hermione' me Draco Malfoy!" She screamed. "If this is YOUR baby then I refuse to have sex with you ever again! You hear me?"

" Stop smirking Zabini." Draco could be heard growling. "It could very well be yours."

Mr. and Mrs. Granger sat nervously by Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. Since neither had ever been grandparents neither could comfort the other as the girl screamed obscenities in both English and Italian (thanks to Blaise's lessons in said language), and threatened to do bodily harm to the men who she considered responsible for this.

Since Mr. Malfoy had died in Azkaban, Narcissa was there alone, yet she sat with Blaise's mother. Neither spoke to the other though, for they'd been at odds with each other ever since the news of the pregnancy. Each claimed that their son had been the stud to impregnate the beautiful, powerful witch, and each argued that it was their first grandchild to be born.

"When that child comes out with Draco's hair you'll feel foolish for having believed that a Zabini could father a child before a Malfoy." Narcissa sniffed, looking at her perfect nails.

"Mama Mia." Mrs. Zabini announced in exasperation. "You're going to be vastly disappointed to realize that we Italians are studs, quite fertile. You British? Pfffst…"

"Well, if the English are so horrible you can return to Italy." Narcissa offered. "You're welcomed to stay away as long as you want."

"Hermione dear…" Draco's voice sounded strained. "That's my hand darling…I need that! Mione...pain…MIONE!"

"You want to feel pain?" She shrieked, voice dark. "You want to push something the size of a melon out of something the size of a pea? THAT'S pain, so SHUT UP!"

"You tell him cara." Mrs. Zabini shook her head in pride. "He shouldn't even be in there, considering that the child is not his."

Narcissa looked daggers at her.

"It's crowning!" Blaise's voice was heard, he sounded excited. "I can see its head!"

"If you don't stop bloody looking down there, Blaise Zabini, I'll hex you into next century!" Hermione growled. "I said STOP LOOKING!"

"Yes dear." Came the complacent answer.

Narcissa smirked. "You tell him dearie." She used Mrs. Zabini's words just to rile her. "Especially since a Malfoy is being born, he shouldn't be intruding on the moment."

"One more push!" The doctor's voice was heard saying triumphantly. "Yes! It's a boy!"

Mrs. Zabini, Narcissa, and the Grangers stood at once. They'd all been anxious since Hermione hadn't wanted to know anything about her baby except if it was healthy—so much about the child had remained a secret despite the advances of magical doctoring.

Ginny pulled her face away from where she'd been hiding it in Lavender's shoulder. "Finally, it's over."

Pansy held onto Harry's hand in relief, obviously forgetting that she'd tried killing him moments ago.

Ron sighed and leaned back in his seat.

The sound of a baby crying filled the silent hospital.

Everyone smiled at each other.

Suddenly another scream filled the air.

"What's happening?" Draco's voice was filled with concern.

"Why is she still in pain?" Blaise demanded to know.

"I don't believe it." The doctor announced. "There's another one in there."

Everyone in the waiting room of the hospital froze. There were two babies?

"WHAT?!?!?" Hermione screamed as another contraction hit her. "GET IT OUT!"

"Come on Hermione." Draco's voice was excited. "You can do it."

"I know I can!" Yet her voice was pained, as if she were crying.

"It's coming, I see its head…" The doctor's voice sounded amazed. "One more push Mrs. Malfoy-Zabini. That's it. Push!"

"Push Hermione." Blaise echoed the doctor's order.

"Don't you tell me to push!" Yet from the strain of her voice it was obvious that she was doing just that.

"Another boy!" The doctor exclaimed merrily.

The sound of another baby crying filled the now awed hospital.


"Oh Mione." Blaise whispered. "They're beautiful."

Mrs. Zabini and Narcissa looked desperate to storm the room and see the color of the children's hair—if they were born with hair that is.

Mrs. Granger just crossed herself with relief that it was now over.

Mr. Granger had never understood wizards, and it was still hard for him to accept that his little girl was married to TWO men, but there were many things about wizards that he'd never get. And since they made her happy, that was all that mattered…it was just odd explaining it to the family over the holidays.


Blaise and Draco smirked proudly as they showed their sons to their family and friends. They'd never thought that Hermione'd grown so large because she was having twins—but the surprise was welcomed. After having run some harmless tests, they'd discovered that little Sirius was a Malfoy, and little Albus was a Zabini. Somehow she'd gotten two different eggs fertilized at the same time during one of their many sexapades, and now their sons and heirs were being shown off.

"I told you that Malfoys bred quicker than Zabinis." Narcissa announced proud to Mrs. Zabini once she realized that blonde little Sirius Malfoy had been born first. He had a full set of blonde hair, just like his father, but both boys had their mother's eyes.

"He was born first. Doesn't mean he was conceived first." Mrs. Zabini declared, looking dotingly at her brown haired grandson. "Albus would have been conceived first, this was why he was in the back of the womb and was the last to be born."

The women continued to glare at each other.

Mr. and Mrs. Granger took the opportunity to get in front of them and look through the glass at the maternity ward, where the twins were resting peacefully. Mrs. Weasley did the same while Mr. Wealsey hurriedly Aparrated to tell the rest of the clan (who'd been thrown out of the Hospital for being so noisy) about what had happened.

"How's Hermione?" Mrs. Granger asked Draco, while Mr. Granger shook hands with Blaise.

"Sleeping." Draco announced, pride on his face as he looked at his son. "She really deserves to sleep for months on end after having to go through all of that."

Mrs. Granger nodded.

Pansy looked sharply at Harry, as if telling him to remember that when she gave birth.

Harry winced.

Ginny and Lavender giggled.

Ron, as usual, was oblivious.


Some months later, everyone sat in the back of Granger Manor, having a picnic. Since Blaise and Draco both had homes called 'Malfoy Manor' and 'Zabini Manor' (where their mothers lived), they'd decided to allow their own home to be named after Hermione, especially since they'd finally been able to get her to give up on her last name after the marriage, telling her how Hermione Jane Granger-Malfoy-Zabini was just too long.

Hermione smiled as she watched Sirius, Albus and James playing together in the playpen. They were three gorgeous babies who'd become heartbreakingly handsome men one day. She pitied the women of their generation.

Pansy, having sworn off more children, was having a rather comical fight with Harry under one of their willows, since her husband was insisting that they needed another one so they could call her Lily.

"Why can't we name her after my mother?" Pansy wanted to know, indignant.

"You're mother's name is Bruinhild!" Harry exclaimed in horror, shivering when he remembered his domineering mother-in-law.

"And your point is?"

Laughing, Hermione wondered how Harry was going to get out of that one.

"How about Lillian Bruinhild?" He asked.

Pansy made a face. "Bruinhild Lillian."

"But Pansy!" Harry cried.

"That or nothing Potter!"

He pouted. "Fine."

Turning her back on them, she looked over at Lavender and Ginny, who were laughing at Harry and Pansy as well, and announcing that they were glad that they couldn't have children. While they loved the others' children, they didn't think that they could deal with the babies twenty-four-seven. Ginny was the star seeker of the Brittania Valkyries, the best female Qudditch team, and Lavender was the author of Glamour Charms and Other Spells Girls Should Know…

Ron sat with his muggle girlfriend, trying to keep from blushing, but the twins and his other brothers were all bringing up all of his most embarrassing moments in life.

Narcissa and Mrs. Zabini had made peace, and were now telling the Grangers and the Weasleys something that had them throwing their heads back in laughter.

Feeling them behind her, she smiled when Draco placed his arm around her waist and Blaise did the same around her shoulders, as they had that night in the Ravenclaw Common Room so many years ago. She sighed contentedly.

"I love you boys." She whispered, eyes on their friends, family, and sons.

Life was good.

"We love you too."

Laughing at the little boy-voices they used, Hermione stood on her tiptoes and gave each a quick kiss before her gaze fell on their sons.

Draco and Blaise smiled at each other over her bushy hair.

Life was great when you owned Hermione Granger.


That's it. Finis.

I want to personally thank all of my readers and reviewers, I love you all. Thanks for staying with me to the end and threatening me to finish it. I've never finished a story this quickly before. You are all my muses!

To the question about a sequel, I think that the epilogue will be enough. If I ever do something else with Hermione and the Slytherin Sex Gods (how I love that name) it'll either be a oneshot or another short story totally unrelated to this one.

How about a review for old times sake? (looks beseechingly into your eyes(like Puss in Boots), pouting)