"Porn therapy…?"

Sakura nodded rapidly and before speaking in her whole 'I'm smarter than you because I am a medic therefore even though you won't understand a thing I say, you still have to listen to me, got that bitches?' kind of way.

"You see, I've noticed that whenever Kakashi-sensei is in the hospital with serious injuries and we try to induce him with pain killers, he always gets some sort of reaction that causes him to go into short states of comatose."

Kakashi blinked.

"I don't remember going into coma…"

Sakura nodded.

"Yes Kakashi-sensei, because you were in the coma."

She smiled in that way doctors usually did.

"I just lied to you about dates whenever you woke up."

He frowned back at her and looked back down at his lap.


Sakura handed two books to Naruto and Sasuke. "Since Kakashi-sensei is one of our top shinobi, it is critical that he heals his injuries rapidly without any issues in the recovery process. Tsunade-sama has decided that the two of you will be testing out my theory of porn therapy on Kakashi-sensei."

Naruto shook his head wildly, gawking at Sakura disbelievingly.

"Are you saying that the bastard and I will be reading porn to Kakashi-sensei to keep him relaxed…?"

She nodded again.

"You've gotta be shitting me."


From Those Things We Call Hearts
written by: ohwhatsherface



Sasuke twitched as Naruto read his book with no tone in his voice and while pausing between words because he seemed rather confused.

"She groaned throatily when he teasingly touched her—" Naruto scowled innocently (because he really was blissfully ignorant). "Oi, Sasuke-teme, Kakashi-sensei, what the heck is a cli—"

The Uchiha threw his book to Naruto and proceeded to burn them both (as in the porn), accidentally getting Naruto's hands in the process.

Kakashi's eyes (both were visible because he wasn't wearing his forehead protector since he was in the hospital and Tsunade didn't let him) widened immensely as he watched his oh-so precious porn become reduced to nothing.

"Sasuke no!"

The three men watched as the ashes of the two books fell the ground.

It was then that Sakura decided to check up on her experiment.

"Hi boys, I brought lunch!" she exclaimed happily.

She held four takeout bowls of ramen in one hand, carefully balancing their weight, but still easily holding the hot food with her super strength. In her other hand was a clipboard that was most likely about the progress of the porn therapy. She blinked when she saw that Sasuke and Naruto were merely sitting in their chairs (Sasuke looking rather satisfied and Naruto complaining that his hands were hurting) while Kakashi seemed a bit anxious.

"Guys… Where'd Kakashi-sensei's porn go?"

"Sasuke burned it!" Kakashi informed her, sounding rather agitated.

She almost dropped the ramen but it was then that Naruto decided to take some action and catch the precious food before it fell.

Sakura stomped over to Sasuke and smacked him with her clipboard.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Sasuke-kun?!"


"I paid for that you know!" Sakura screeched. She began pacing. "Well what the hell are we going to do now?! We can't give Kakashi-sensei any more morphine or other kinds of drugs or we might kill him. And I refuse to go back and buy more of that shit. You wouldn't believe the looks that perverted book keeper was giving me."

Sakura grabbed the collar of Sasuke's shirt roughly.

"You idiot! Damnit, Sasuke-kun, what are we going to do now?!"

"I don't give a shit."

Kakashi intervened in their feud.

"You guys could always just tell me stories."

Sakura blinked.

Sasuke scowled.

Naruto finished all the ramen.

"Y—You mean like… make up our own erotica…?" Sakura confirmed slowly, her skin beginning to match her hair.

Kakashi nodded with a large grin on his face.

She gulped and reminded herself that damnit this was for her experiment! She moved to sit down on the chair Naruto was in earlier, avoiding ruining her shoes by stepping in the ashes. Sakura let out a small sigh.


Their old sensei as genin clapped.

"Great, who's going first?"

That was a good question.



"Go to hell."

The three looked at Sasuke expectantly, simultaneously yelling at him.


Well they were right…

Sasuke sighed after muttering a long string of curses.

"Right." He crossed his arms over his chest and closed his eyes thoughtfully. "Yeah, so there these girls…"

"Uh huh…" Kakashi urged, smirking at the blush that was slowly forming on his prodigy's cheeks. "What'd they look like?"


Sakura pulled at her hair in annoyance. "Sasuke you virgin, you suck at this!" She cleared her throat. "I'll go first."

They didn't like the evil grin they saw on her delicate lips.

"Once upon a time there was a young girl who lived alone in a forest. She had long blond hair that she often tied into pig tails and dazzling blue eyes."

For a second, they thought she was basing her character off of Ino.

But she so was not.

"She had a curvaceous body with pear shaped hips and full, firm breasts. This girl's name was Naruto… Naruko… yeah, Naruko—"


Naruto pointed at her accusingly.

"You will not make me your main character, Sakura-chan!" He shook his head. "That's wrong!"

Sakura ignored him. "One day, she went to the hot springs a short distance from her cottage for a nice, warm bath. Slowly, she dropped the white towel that was hugging her luscious body and stepped into the warm, steaming spring. The hot water crept along her tanned skin, from her delicate ankles, to her soft thighs, to her womanhood, to the peaks of her large breasts, until finally, it ended just below her shoulders."

"I like where this is going," Kakashi commented, nodding his approval.

"On that very same day, a tired shinobi was approaching that hot spring, having sensed it to be nearby. He was dashingly handsome with his dark, mysterious eyes of onyx. He had a pale face that was framed by locks of ebony and a muscular, but beautiful build."

Sasuke's eyes widened.

"His name was Sasuke—"

"Hell no."

"Fine, his name was Itachi."

Hm, a story in which Itachi was humiliated.

He couldn't complain.

"Itachi approached the hot spring in which Naruko was bathing, too fatigued from his stressful career to take notice of the woman bathing there."

Naruto covered his ears and shook his head in a traumatized manner.

"La, la, la! I can't hear you!"

Kakashi merely listened on.

Sakura couldn't resist grinning evilly as she watched Naruto hold back tears and Sasuke resist killing her (because that would be treason). "The sexy shinobi, Itachi, finally noticed there was a woman in the hot springs when he was at the edge. In a short moment, blue eyes met black and both were captivated in each other—"

"Okay, I want to go now!" Naruto yelled. "Sakura-chan, your turn is over!"

Kakashi frowned at him, ripping his eager gaze away from his only female student.

"But Itachi and Naruko didn't even have sex yet—"

Naruto cleared his throat loudly and threw something at Sasuke to distract him from the seals he was making.

"My story is about… Sakura-chan—"

Sakura blanched.

"And… the bastard."

Sakura and Sasuke glanced at each other and immediately looked away, blushing terribly.

Naruto smirked.

"So yeah, it was time for the bastard's annual check up and Tsunade-baachan assigned Nurse Haruno to take care of him. Nurse Haruno was known among the staff to be a very naughty nurse and when her patients were good, she'd give them a treat, and no, it was not a lollipop."

Oh how Naruto was glad shinobi weren't allowed to kill their comrades.

"Nurse Haruno instructed for Sasuke-teme to take off his shirt and he did that like, really eagerly."

"Clearly, you suck at telling stories," Sakura muttered.

He grinned back. "Clearly, you're about to get it on with Sasuke-teme. Er well, in my story. We all know Sasuke's too much of a wimp."

Sasuke threw a vase at him.

"Anyway, so they got naked—"

Kakashi frowned. "Naruto, Jiraiya-sama said you were good at writing porn. Why does this suck?"

The blond shrugged. "I dunno. It doesn't really matter…" He sighed, remembering that this was all for Kakashi's health. "Oh fine, I'll try to make it sound better. So right, Sakura-chan pushed the bastard roughly onto the examination bed. She took a pair of handcuffs out from under the mattress and used them to bind the bastard. 'W—Where did those come from?' he stuttered sounding rather frightened—"

"Hold on a second."

Sasuke sounded a bit peeved.

"Why am I the girl?"

"Because I was the girl in the other story!" Naruto hissed back. "So then Sakura-chan ran her hands gently down the bastard's chest, slowly and teasingly until finally, she reached the place that made his breath hitch—"

"Time's up Naruto!" Sakura screamed, standing up from her seat. "Back to my story."

"No way! No one cares about Naruko and Itachi!"

"Well its not like we want to hear about Sakura and Sasuke either!"

Kakashi cleared his throat loudly to get their attention.

"Well actually, I would like to hear the stories…"

"NO!" the two yelled together.

"I have an idea," Kakashi announced. "Why doesn't Sasuke tell the story?"

Sakura considered this, as did Naruto.

"Well he did burn the books…"

"And he still hasn't really gone."

"Fuck you all."

Sakura glared at him.

"Sasuke-kun, tell a story!"

"Go to hell you annoying woman."

"Sasuke, continue Naruto's story," Kakashi ordered. He stared at the dark-haired boy firmly. "Do it, or I'll tell Tsunade that you failed your mission of helping me relax because you withholding the porn is slowly killing me. It's bad enough you burned the books."






They all teamed up on him.


That one hurt his ears.

"Fine," he snapped tersely. "Where did Naruto leave off?" he asked bitterly.

"Sakura-chan was touching you where no woman's touched you before because you're a little virgin."

Sasuke withheld a comeback. "Right. Sasuke broke free of his confinements secretly as Sakura kept herself busy pleasuring him." It felt rather odd to be talking about himself having sex with Sakura to other people. "Swiftly, he flipped them over so that she was on the bottom and then quickly put the handcuffs on her—"

"Hey why am I the girl now?!" Sakura whined.

They stared at her dryly.

"You are a girl…"

She scoffed. "Haven't any of you ever heard of dominatrixes?"

Sasuke ignored her comments. "Sakura gasped in shock when she found herself bound and swallowed nervously. Sasuke smirked down at Sakura, enjoying the sight of her helpless and at his will. He descended his head onto hers and met her lips in a heated kiss."

It was a wonder how the story still came out good despite the fact that Sasuke was slouched over and speaking in monotone.

"He nipped at her lower lip for entrance into her mouth. As they kissed, his hands groped along her luscious body—"

Sakura's face was covered in a blush darker than her hair.

Sasuke rolled his eyes at that. "—Grabbing at her breasts gently but firmly. When she opened her mouth to moan, he took the opportunity to enter his tongue. They fought in a hard and delicious battle but of course, he won."

"Ch, arrogant bastard."

"He ripped open her white dress roughly, causing the buttons that held it together to fly across the room. Sakura scowled at him, muttering 'this is my uniform you bastard', to which he merely smirked, replying 'I don't care'."

He sighed, bored.

"His lips made their way across her blazing skin…"



Jiraiya and Tsunade stood outside the hospital, eavesdropping on the tales of Team Seven. The proud author of the Icha Icha novel series was currently looking for someone to choose as his successor in the porn writing business.

He needed someone perfect and so Tsunade recommended this bunch of brats.

The white-haired man sighed to Tsunade.

"Obviously, Naruto is not fit because he is too oblivious."


"And the one with the rack—"

"She has a name you idiot!"

"—Well she's really good but I don't think she'd be interested."

"You've got that right."

Jiraiya nodded sagely.

"But that Uchiha…" He sighed, sounding somewhat surprised. "That boy's got real skill right there. Imagine what he could after he starts having sex with the one with the rack."

Tsunade shrugged, blushing as the story went on (they were at the part where the sex commenced).

They pressed their ears against the door and continued to listen.