Motoko Aoyama: Last time I wrote a special, it was a big mistake… For some bizarre reason, people kept on telling me that Naru and Keitaro are supposed to be married, and blah, blah, blah, and people even tell me that in "Forgotten Promise" which makes me wonder if they've read the really short summary that reads "sequel to Another Promise." Okay, actually, I have read all 14 volumes of the Love Hina manga (was it 14…it's been too long ago…) and I do realize that at the end, Naru and Keitaro got married, and how Motoko grew her hair back and got Tsuruko's bird and all that. However, what I'm writing isn't post-series. In "Another Promise," which spins off from the last Toudai entrance exam, I changed the story and Motoko and Keitaro got together instead. So, the Spring Special last time took place between the six years gap between "Another Promise" and "Forgotten Promise," so as this Summer Special that I'll be writing now. Hope that explains things a little. If you didn't read "Another Promise" or "Forgotten Promise," that's okay too as I would try to keep the references to a minimal, but please don't tell me how the story is "supposed" to be, although I really don't mind that as long as you are polite with it. With that said, I hope you'll enjoy this little bit, inspired by a work of Shakespeare, and please review after you are done so that I know how I did with this parody.
Disclaimer: I don't own Love Hina, Naruto and Bleach (which I made some slight references to) or Taming of the Shrew and other Shakespearean works. I'm not some great, dead, white man who is considered a genius in literature, nor am I as good an artist as Ken Akamatsu, Kubo Tite and Kishimoto (or rather, my works look like trash compared to theirs…)
To wound thy lord, thy king, thy governor:
It blots thy beauty as frosts do bite the meads,
She clenched her left fist and grunted, her right hand vigorously jabbing the pencil into the page where it read "lord," "king," and "governor."
Thy husband is thy lord, thy life, thy keeper,
Thy head, thy sovereign; one that cares for thee,
She made an extremely displeased sound, a cross between a hiss and a muffled roar, and parted her quivering lips slightly to reveal her dangerously shining, white teeth. She once again tore into the page with her writing utensil where it read "lord," "life," "keeper," "head," and "sovereign."
But love, fair looks and true obedience;
Too little payment for so great a debt.
This time, she scratched her short nails on the table to make a horrible screeching sound. The people beside her jumped as they saw the deep indents she made into the wood. Needless to say, those two lines were "blacked out."
I am ashamed that women are so simple
To offer war where they should kneel for peace;
Or seek for rule, supremacy and sway,
When they are bound to serve, love and obey.
"Serve your ass! I'll serve you your head on a silver platter, Fool!" she yelled. The library couldn't have been any more silent. Even the computers seemed to have stopped their humming in hopes that she wouldn't smash them and make them explode.
Why are our bodies soft and weak and smooth,
Unapt to toil and trouble in the world,
But that our soft conditions and our hearts
Should well agree with our external parts?
She had had enough. Every muscle on her strong body tensed as her anger peaked, making scrunching sounds that made everyone evacuate. This was going to be a world record earthquake.
"STUPID, STINKY, SON OF A SUCKER, SHAKESPEARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The library crumbled to dust upon her mighty punch. Of course, Aoyama Motoko, age 20, would never realize that she had utilized an awesome literary device: alliteration.
Then vail your stomachs, for it is no boot,
And place your hands below your husband's foot:
In token of which duty, if he please,
My hand is ready; may it do him ease.
Of course, the country of Japan was extremely thankful that the last four lines of Katharina Minola's speech never reached Aoyama Motoko's eyes.
Summer Special: The Shrew's Promise of Revenge
"Motoko-han, how could you do something like that?" Tsuruko asked as she took Motoko out of the police station. The head librarian and the policewoman were sympathetic towards Motoko's anger over William Shakespeare's work and decided to omit the charges if she were to be imprisoned in her home for a month and pay for the damage on the library. Tsuruko, of course, gladly accepted the offer and paid one hundred thousand yen deposit to the library before taking her home.
"It was only natural for a respectable woman as myself to be angered over something as despicable as what I read, Ane-ue," Motoko reasoned. Tsuruko sighed.
"I mean…you don't have to vaporize a library and knock half of Tokyo's buildings off its foundations because of that," Tsuruko answered. For once, she was glad that Japan was located on the Rim of Fire. It made an excellent excuse for shaking structures.
"Gomen," Motoko stated emotionlessly. Tsuruko sighed once more.
Because Urashima Keitaro was knocked in the head by a dozen failed mochis (extremely hard ones that Motoko attempted to make the day before) during the incident, it was decided that he would be unable to take care of Motoko if she were to be imprisoned at Hinatasou, so it was only natural for her to return to the Shinmeiryuu Dojo. Besides, Tsuruko was sure that her sister wasn't in the best of mood to deal with men, and she really didn't want to waste all her savings on bail if the younger kendo master were to destroy the Japanese capital.
Speaking of which, where could she get enough money to rebuild a library?
"Where's the newspaper, Ane-ue?" Motoko asked on a bright, summer morning. She just came back from her training in the woods and decided to attempt keeping herself updated with news regarding the world.
"Why are you so interested, Motoko-han?" Tsuruko asked, hiding the masses of paper in her white gi.
"It's not about interest! It's…it's routine! Like kendo practise!" Motoko exclaimed. It had been the fifth morning in a row her sister had asked her such bizarre questions when she tried to read the newspaper.
"Are you saying kendo is not your interest?" Tsuruko queried, her eyes glowing red with tremendous ki whirling about her.
Kami-sama…why is this happening to me again?
Tsuruko's katana flashed in the sunlight and sliced the air above where Motoko had been standing a split second ago. The younger scurried away as quickly as possible while Tsuruko started chopping up the table that got in her way. Drawing the Hina Blade, Motoko managed to block an incoming slash, but Tsuruko's ki was so strong that it sent her flying into the wall behind her. Motoko hardly had enough time to wipe the blood off the corner of her mouth when a perfectly-aimed "Raimeiken" sent her crashing through the wall onto the hard ground outside.
"Amateurish as usual, Motoko-han," Tsuruko commented when she walked through the hole that Motoko's body had made.
"P-P-Please spare me, Ane-ue!" Motoko begged, backing up against a tree as if Tsuruko were some super-pervert from an alternate world called Naruto.
Jiraiya sneezed. Was Tsunade cursing his talent in analyzing the female anatomy again?
"Spare you? Sure, but you must stop your unfeminine ways."
"Because you are too weak to be a shrew!" Tsuruko screamed into the skies to the almighty Kami-sama who roared in approval, accompanied by flashes of lighting that appeared out of nowhere to defy the laws of meteorology.
Motoko's life flashed before her eyes. Her harsh training under the waterfalls of doom, her putting up with great beasts as turtles and species called males, and those words, Shakespeare's words. Her strong sense of feminism swelled in her soul and she felt her ki rush to every inch of her body like never before.
"Too weak to be a shrew, huh?" Motoko howled with a lethal scowl on her smooth skin.
It was Tsuruko's time to cower as if Motoko were some super-pervert.
Jiraiya sneezed again. Damn that Tsunade.
"Kyahhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Motoko screamed a deafening battle cry as she charged towards Tsuruko, her hands clasped on the Hina Blade as if she were possessed by its demonic powers. The land ripped apart as she darted on its surface, rocks splintered like tofu upon impact with Motoko's ki. Debris rose into the atmosphere to turn the otherwise nice day into a tempest while a berserk "Hiken Zankuusen" blasted half the forest away. Tsuruko thanked the heavens for her agility.
"Erm…" Tsuruko muttered, trying to come up with something cool to say to Motoko, "just…erm…chillax, would you?"
"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT MERGING WORDS!" Motoko screamed as she slammed her katana down to do a horrible "Hiken Fuujin Ranbu" that swept the other half of the forest away.
"How about rechill then?" Tsuruko asked. It wasn't helping at all.
"HOW CAN I RECHILL WHEN I HAVEN'T CHILLED YET?" Motoko screamed above the echo of her previous statement. A well-aimed "Zantetsusan" travelling at the speed of light was all it took for Tsuruko to fall, muttering her curses towards how Einstein's laws never worked in fanfictions.
"I think I've calmed down. Where was I again?" Motoko asked, poking a very black Tsuruko.
"In the process of freezing yourself with the Sode no Shirayuki," Tsuruko answered. It was obvious that she read too much Bleach.
Rukia could hear her zanpakutou's complaints a mile away as she watched Chappy the Rabbit on her (ie. Ichigo's) television.
Keitaro, with several bumps on his head, stared at the food in the refrigerator. Several nights ago was a horror since Motoko decided to cook, and you know how she made samurai food whenever she put her effort into culinary arts, so it was like hell for the residents of Hinatasou. Worse yet was that she decided to make mochis as a compensation, and they all swore that they split several of their teeth trying to eat them. The most horrible moment came when Motoko demanded that they finished their food because they should be grateful that they weren't starving children in Africa (but they all shook their heads as they claimed that they would rather starve to death than be choked to death by Motoko's mochis) and so Keitaro claimed that they were full when they really weren't, and used the excuse to stuff the food into the fridge. Luckily, an earthquake (or so they thought) came the next day and for some reason, Motoko vanished after the event, so they could get rid of the food at Keitaro's expense.
As the kanrinrin surveyed the cold container for any signs of edible things, Kaolla kicked him on the back of his head, causing him to fall into a bowl of nattos.
"What was – gurgle gurgle – that for?" Keitaro asked as he struggled to take his head off the sticky fermented soy beans. Kaolla helped him by pulling on his arm, causing him to tumble to the ground with the bowl still stuck on his face. He wondered why he never got a spinal injury in situations as these.
"Motoko is on the newspaper!" she pointed, yelling at the top of her lungs. Kitsune and Shinobu came into the kitchen to see the article that was in Kaolla's hands.
"Isn't this the ad section?" Shinobu asked. Kitsune read the title above Motoko's picture.
"Become-Aoyama-Motoko's-husband-contest?" Kitsune read. That shocked Keitaro so much that he pried the nattos bowl off his face to stare at the paper with smelly natto slime still hanging on his skin.
"Is Tsuruko-san selling Motoko-chan?" Keitaro asked as he pointed at the little text on the bottom of the picture.
"Seems like it…" Kitsune replied when she read the little text that said "any male is welcome to compete upon paying a registration fee of one million yen."
That was exactly what Motoko thought when she finally got hold of the newspaper that was stuck up Tsuruko's gi.
"ARE YOU TRYING TO SELL ME, ANE-UE?" Motoko yelled at the unresponsive Tsuruko who was too busy sipping tea to notice her. It was until Motoko's ki flared that Tsuruko took attention and hurriedly waved her hands around in a gesture of innocence.
"Of course I wasn't trying to do something like that, Motoko-han. I was only trying to get you a good husband!" Tsuruko explained.
"Then what's with this contest that any male can enter as long as they pay a one million yen registration fee? That is clearly selling me!" Motoko complained.
"Well, I didn't really say that on the paper, did I?"
"What do you mean? It is right on the page!"
"I don't see the word 'sell' on there…"
Motoko refused to look at her sister who ignored her overwhelming cries about not wanting to get married a few months after her coming of age ceremony. Sure, she did have someone in mind, but she wasn't really thinking about marriage just yet. Besides, if there were to be a freaking contest, then she was definitely sure that her "he" would lose it.
Okay, what was her "he" good at again? Stumbling into women's baths, slipping on everything and anything, landing into female breasts and getting sent on lower earth orbits?
Add failing Toudai entrance exams to that list.
If only she could make a contest like that, but she couldn't. It was definitely going to turn into a disaster when she announced to the contestants that the person who fell on top of females and failed Toudai exams the most would win the contest. Besides, she wasn't going to let "him" off that easily, even if she liked him.
"Don't worry about it. He would do well in the contest, I promise," Tsuruko said as if reading her mind.
"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT FROM YOU, SISTER-SELLER!" Motoko screamed in her wrecked, extra-high-pitched voice.
Back to Hinatasou. Keitaro was staring at the newspaper article with his large, watery eyes while Shinobu tried her best to comfort her sempai.
"I could lend you money, Keitaro," Kaolla said after seeing her beloved brother figure go into a mental breakdown.
"ARIGATOU!" Keitaro screamed his gratitude as he took Kaolla's money in his hands, only to find that they were foreign bills. "What is the exchange rate for these bills?"
"They can't be exchanged for Japanese currency, Idiot," Kitsune stated nonchalantly, "If they could, I would've stolen them to buy sake a long time ago."
Okay, that was just sad…
"HOW COULD YOU BE SO MEAN TO ME WHEN I'M SO EMOTIONALLY HURT, KITSUNE!" Keitaro yelled in sorrow as tears streamed out of his eyes to fill the inn like a water faucet. Kitsune was definitely getting scared when the water reached chest-deep.
"Okay! I'll lend you money! You don't have to attempt to murder all of us!" Kitsune snapped.
Shinobu and Kaolla nodded their heads.
"ARIGATOU!" Keitaro screamed.
"Yeah, yeah, as long as you return it to me with 3000 percent interest, compounded by second."
That got Keitaro crying again. In the end, Kitsune had to beg him to believe that she was just kidding, and that she would even help him come up with a confession speech in order for the water to stop rising when they were a millimetre below her nose (yes, Shinobu and Kaolla sank, but "Love Hina" characters don't die, right?)
The days passed by very quickly, and the end of the month approached! Motoko, finally released from her imprisonment within the Shinmeiryuu Dojo, had joined her sister at the front entrance where the contest was to take place. Unfortunately for Tsuruko, this was the day when she had to give the compensation fee to the library, so she prayed to kami-sama that enough stupid men would show up!
And there were a bunch who didn't mind the one million yen registration fee and came to enter the contest! There were perverted old men (ie. Jiraiya), middle-aged perverted men (ie. Ebisu), younger perverted men (ie. Keigo) and even perverted modified souls (ie. Kon). All in all, there were a lot of perverted men in the line-ups, which made Motoko's fan club extremely sad because as females, they were not allowed to enter the contest. Motoko sighed. It wasn't as if killing Tsuruko would help, but she might really do that at the end of all this.
Soon enough, first round started! What was the first round all about again? It was a quiz show, with all those shiny buttons and buzzers and all that! The men's hands quivered as they hung in mid-air above the buttons, ready to press onto them.
"Question One," Tsuruko started, "Where…"
She was cut short by a buzzer sound followed by Shirai's response, "Hinatasou!"
"Correct!" Tsuruko exclaimed.
"Why the hell are you here? Aren't you infatuated by Haruka-obasan?" Keitaro asked.
"She's freaking married! Don't bring out my old scars!"
And so Motoko sighed again.
"Question Two," Tsuruko started once more, "How old…"
"20!" came the answer from Haitani.
"YOU TRAITOR!" came Keitaro's screams.
Motoko sighed another time.
"Question Three," Tsuruko said, "What fears…"
"Turtles and my beautiful Tsuruko-sama," Kentaro answered.
"I guess that is…somewhat correct," Tsuruko approved, narrowing her eyes at how that guy hit on a married woman, a married swordswoman not to say the least.
Motoko swore she was tired of sighing.
"Last question," Tsuruko yelled, causing the hands to quiver more, "How much taller…"
"FOUR CM TALLER THAN ME!" Keitaro answered, earning him a thrown shinai on the head in addition to a place on the second round of the contest.
Consequently, Shirai, Haitani, Kentaro and Keitaro stood there dumbly for the second round to start.
"This round, you have to get something edible for Motoko-han! You have half an hour! Begin, my dear Iron Chefs!" Tsuruko announced.
"How can we cook without anything?" they all asked bewilderedly. Tsuruko didn't care, for she had all the money to pay that stupid library that Motoko vaporized.
Shirai and Haitani sat there staring at each other, Kentaro praised himself for having brought mint candy, and Keitaro ran frantically in circles. He finally disappeared into the forest and came back with a leaf-wrapped object.
"So, what do you have, Shirai?" Tsuruko asked.
"And you, Haitani?"
"Myself. I'm taller than Shirai so more bones."
"I'm fatter that Haitani, so more meat!"
"And you, Kentaro?" Tsuruko asked when she turned to the rich guy.
"At least that's edible," came Motoko's angry murmur.
"And you, Keitaro," Tsuruko inquired, pointing at the object in his hand, "what did you wrap in there?"
Keitaro opened the leaf and Tsuruko picked up the object, or rather animal, from his hands.
Motoko nearly fainted seeing her two greatest fears side by side each other.
Anyway, Keitaro and Kentaro advanced to the third and final round because they were the only ones to produce something edible (though Motoko would probably prefer eating either Haitani or Shirai than a turtle…)
Well, so what was the final round? Because the author, I, am too tired and running out of ideas, it would be a sappy confession. Let's see how Kentaro does it!
"Journeys end in lovers meeting, every wise man's son doth know!" Kentaro starts.
"Twelfth Night, Act two, Scene three, Lines 44-45," Motoko mumbled in frustration.
"Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind," Kentaro continues.
"A Midsummer Night's Dream, Act one, Scene one, Line 234," Motoko mumbled with more amplitude in sound and anger.
"That man that hath a tongue, I say is no man," Kentaro proceeds to say as he pointed at Keitaro with raging fingers, "If with his tongue he cannot win a woman!"
"The Two Gentlemen from Verona, Act three, Scene one, Lines 104-105," Motoko yelled. Kentaro stumbled backwards and tripped on Keitaro's turtle, "Canst thou do me well by URUSAING?"
That shut him up well.
It was then Keitaro's turn. His hand shook as he looked at Kitsune's speech. It was Shakespeare…except much worse than Kentaro's selections. It was no other than Katharina Minola's words from the last scene of Taming of the Shrew.
"Fie, fie! Unknit that threatening unkind brow," Keitaro commenced. Motoko could recognize that line anywhere, anytime, but she decided to let him continue. She never reached the last four lines of the speech anyways, so perhaps if she let him continue, she would gain the superhuman strength to do a "Shinmeiken" that would send Kyoto to oblivion.
"In token of which duty, if he please, my hand is ready; may it do him ease," Keitaro finished Katharina's speech with sweat dropping furiously from the rising ki. Already, the rocks were soaring into the air as if they were feathers swept up by the wind.
"What are you trying to hint at, Urashima!" Motoko hissed, her hand at the hilt of her katana. Keitaro thanked God that Kitsune's speech still had several lines to go.
"These are Katharina Minola's opinions on how women should act," Keitaro began, gulping as Motoko's blade became unsheathed and ki lashed uncontrollably on the shining edge, "b-b-but if this were how the world worked…I WOULD WILLINGLY BE THE WIFE IF YOU WERE MY HUSBAND!"
Silence, followed by erupting laughter.
At least Motoko sheathed her katana.
"I WANT THIS HUSBAND!"
And so Tsuruko couldn't get any happier as she forced the two into traditional wedding clothes and sat them down in front of the little shrine she had prepared.
"Do you really want to get rid of me so desperately?" Motoko asked.
Tsuruko's smile looked somewhat artificial.
Motoko Aoyama: I was going to finish this in one night, but my mom got pissed off at me for sleeping too late, so I had to finish this the next morning. Oh well, hopefully the randomness was somewhat humorous though ridiculous. If you were looking for something romantic, I'm sorry, but I'm just in one of my comedic moods these couple of days. Well, how was it? Hated it? Loved it? Anything other than flames is welcome, so please, please, please write something for me so that I know you read this! Okay, so that's that. Thanks for reading!