to be on the edge of breaking down
and no one's there to save you
no, you don't know what its like
welcome to my life
Seth sighed as he slumped down in one of the waiting room's chairs. The room at the front of the hospital was practically empty except for him and couple more people who looked like their lives had just been ripped out from under them. Seth was sure he resembled those people, as much as he wished he didn't. He ran his fingers through his curly hair-dubbed the Jewfro practically cneturies ago-and sighed again.
He had screwed up. He knew he had, god he knew it, but he didn't know what to do about it. How do you go about fixing something that's been broken for ages and just collapsed through your fingers? And even more importantly, what if you were the person who had been ripping it apart? Because he could admit that, even if it was the only thing. Even if he could barely stand to think about what he had done, he would admit he had done it.
He wasn't sure if Summer knew though. She knew in theory, sure, but in reailty, he didn't think she would ever really guess. Not with Anna. And knowing Summer, she would never think about it. She would just block it out. Accept facts and move on.
So Seth was left in the dust, a shattered life pricking at his fingers.
He didn't know what to do with Anna. Wasn't sure what he should tell her. He's kept her at arms length for so long, slowly pulling her heart apart, cutting her off. He had kept Summer away in the same way and now he felt utterly alone. His inability to make a descision and stick with it was always the death of him. And his disbelief that anyone would readily stay with him made him keep people away. It was easier to lose them when you knew you had earned it.
And he had earned it.
So he was slumped in an itchy blue chair, watching the sunny day outside and wondering if Marissa had the right idea. Not really coherently thinking, just letting thoughts jumble their way around his mind. Each one started a new train of thought, a different rush of memories. His phone had buzed in his pocket a bunch of times, but he hadn't even moved. He'd been here all night and now into the morning and he didn't plan on leaving. Everything that meant something, everything that he had known all his life was only four floors away. You don't just walk away from that.
No matter how much you know you'll never have it back.
He knew this was letting go. He could feel it running through him, the loss of all these pent up emotions. All the broken promises he had faltered on. Every ignored phone call and fake business trip. He was regretting each and every one of them with equal hurt, no matter what the action had been. Examining each one and slowly releasing it. Burrowing down to where he was still utterly infatuated- completely in love- with Summer. Where all his trangressions made him ache the most. Where he hadn't just been hurting other people.
Where all the invisible scars were.
They were all self-inflicted.
And he was too confused to even attempt coherency, much less follow through on it. So, he ran his hand through his hair again and sighed. Thought about getting coffee and rejected it. And started all over again.
Because you don't just walk away from that.