Disclaimer: Wicked is not mine. This is the fic that is punishing Fiyero for that time when Boq, Glinda, Nessa, and the Wizard refused to work with the RENTies. Because an act like that deserves to be punished. Okay, I will tell you here and now: There is no Gelphie. In this fic, there is no such thing as Gelphie. Elphaba would slap anyone who thinks that there is Gelphie. Fiyero is practically hallucinating. I initially got the idea from The Pixess, who wrote a RENT oneshot where Mark went drag queen so he could make Maureen love him again. I based this off of that. I don't want to think of what this would do to the plot of Wicked; so don't ask me. LONG disclaimer, sorry about that. Story time! -LostOzian

Fiyero left the classroom, his sieve-like brain trying to retain the main details that would be on the exam. Oz, was he out of practice at remembering things like this. Usually it was girl's names, favorite flowers, and dorm room numbers; not locations, dates, and treaties. He would have to ask Elphaba later about everything he was bound to forget.

Speaking of Elphaba… Fiyero scanned the small river of released student for the green girl. She was near the front, maybe fifteen feet ahead of him, walking with Galinda. She did that a lot; understandably, because as far as he could tell, Galinda was her only friend. He watched her- well, them- walking for a little while.

The longer he watched, the more he became convinced his mind was playing tricks on him. Squinting at the two, he tried to discount his rising suspicions. Were they laughing a little too much? Is that really how close together best friends usually walk? Was that really the look Fiyero had so longed for being directed at Galinda…?

Fiyero broke into a run, recklessly passing the girls as he sprinted across campus for his own private suite. Thoughts he had never dreamed possible swam in his mind, clouding his vision. Finally, he reached his room and slammed the door behind him.

She… She's… Elphaba is in love with Galinda! Fiyero pulled at his hair in a display of angst that would have made his extensive fan-base swoon. Why did things like this happen to him!? He finally finds a girl that he's truly in love with and she's a lesbian! He fell down on the bed, cursing fate with all his might.

All hope is not lost, A little voice said.

Of course all hope is lost! She likes girls, and I'm a guy. Fiyero beat himself up internally.

You don't have to be.

Be a what?

A guy.

You make no sense, little voice! I was born a guy, I have to be a guy!

Come on, don't give up. If you truly love her you could find a way around that. Fiyero thought about that for a minute. A way around being a guy?

Elphaba and Galinda had been bitter enemies, yet are now in love. All it took was a chance for them to get to know each other. The little voice prompted. Wait… Fiyero stood and started pacing, trying to think of a plan based on that little situation.

Elphaba would be attracted to a female. Right? Right. And all it took for her to fall in love with said female, Galinda, was a chance to know her personally. So she would have still fallen in love with Galinda if Galinda had been male. Right?


So she might fall in love with me if she got to know me, regardless of orientation. Fiyero caught sight of himself in the mirror, staring closely at his reflection. Six foot even, hair cut short, keeps a romantic amount of stubble. Hopelessly masculine. He weighed how hard it would be to pull it off against how far he was willing to go to win Elphaba's love.

With resolve, he left his room. He had a lot of shopping to do.

In the girl's department.

"Was…was that Fiyero?" Galinda asked, stunned. The two had practically been blown out of the way by the speed.

"I think it was…" Elphaba said, trying to keep her heart from speeding up in worry. Get a hold of yourself, Elphaba! Off...Limits! "Is he okay?"

"I don't know…" Galinda said, her lip starting to quiver. "Maybe he's sick."

"We'll check on him in a little bit," Elphaba said, careful to make sure it didn't sound like she cared. She wasn't about to lose her first and only friend to her crush on Fiyero. "I mean, if he's not sick, it would look silly if we followed him." Galinda agreed, calmed for now by Elphaba's plan. Elphaba looked down at the floor, trying in vain to convince herself she wasn't hoping Fiyero was sick so she had an excuse to visit him.

Fiyero was barely recognizable. Long blonde wig, makeup, impossibly close shave (the hardest thing of all- it taken an hour to make sure it was close enough without nicking himself), a dress, and masterfully stuffed chest.

"Welcome, Princess of the Vinkus," he experimented in a falsetto. Not even my parents would be able to tell it was me, he smiled, taking off the wig and preparing for bed. Let alone Elphaba.