Confessions of a Control Freak

Disclaimer: Get real.

Sometimes Haruhi wonders who's more in control — she or Kyon.

She knows herself very well. She's an impulsive control freak. She likes things to be the way she wants them to be, and she likes them to stay that way…until she decides she likes them another way, on a whim, and changes them to suit her new preferences. She likes having the power to change them on a moment's notice. She likes being in control of them: how they are, how they look, everything.

Her room is arranged very carefully. She has everything exactly where she wants it to be, until she decides that she wants to move it somewhere else. No one else is allowed to move it, because then Haruhi has lost control over it, and that is simply intolerable.

The same is true of the SOS Brigade. She has control over them, over the club. She is the Brigade Chief and she is the one who decides what they do, what they wear, everything she can decide she does decide. She doesn't question why they follow her orders without question, doesn't bother wondering if they perhaps wanted it some other way. In Haruhi's mind, the instant they agree to join her club was the instant they sacrificed their free will to her.

The only one, really, who never actually agreed to be in the SOS Brigade was Kyon. That worried Haruhi, for a time. Kyon is the only one out of her control. He is the only one who argues with her, the only one who tries to put up some sort of resistance. He still usually does whatever she wants him to eventually, but occasionally he does hold strong and outright refuse to go along with whatever she's planning. Even more rare, but no less dangerous, are the times when he actively stops her from doing anything at all.

He thinks he's being crafty about it, finding new ways to distract her, telling lies to make things seem impossible, lecturing her until she thinks her ears might fall off and she finally agrees just to shut him up. But Haruhi always knows. She isn't stupid. She knows when she is being manipulated, and it irritates her to no end. And it irritates her even more that Yuki, Mikuru, and Itsuki sit there and say nothing. They never say anything. They just leave it to Kyon.

Haruhi isn't stupid. She can see that they listen to Kyon more than they listen to her. Not just blindly obey, actually listen. They like him more. Kyon is closer to Koizumi than she is. Kyon can get Yuki to open up more than she can. And Kyon and Mikuru are…well, enough said.

This irritates her to no end; but what irritates her most is that she can't seem to hate Kyon for it. Even when she knows she's being manipulated, she can't hate him. Not really. If anything, it makes Haruhi hate herself. Is she so annoying there has to be a third party to intercede on behalf of the rest of the population? Are her ideas so repulsive that no one has the heart to tell her, so they leave the unwelcome task to the only man willing?

That's what attracted Haruhi to Kyon in the first place, if she dares to admit the truth. He wasn't afraid to stand up to her, wasn't afraid to say that he disagreed or that he thought her ideas were weird. Other boys whispered about it behind her back, too intimidated by her strong personality and pretty face to actually say what they thought to her face.

Haruhi respects that. As much as she loves to have people in her control, she respects their right to argue with her. Thus she has no mercy for those who don't. Can she be blamed for bowling them over when they don't even try to resist?

Mikuru never resists. She cries and carries on, though she and Haruhi both know that she's capable of stopping anything Haruhi throws at her (or into, for that matter). Yuki does whatever she is asked to do without fail, silently and better than anyone else. Koizumi smiles and nods and blindly agrees to whatever he is told.

Haruhi knows what they're doing. She is not stupid. She sees that they are only indulging her. She refuses to consider why. Rarely does she even contemplate their obedient allegiance. She merely accepts it, the way she has accepted every other good thing that has happened to her in life.

Haruhi is not stupid. She knows magical things don't happen to those who go looking for them. It happens to those who are content with their own lives, content to have things as they are and don't have any particular desire to change. Actually, it tends to happen to those who desire it least. Haruhi knows this. She has read it over and over again. But she can't help herself, can't help becoming impatient as she waits around, can't help being worried that something exciting won't happen at all — does it know she wants it to happen? Is that canceling out the possibility?—and she envies people like Kyon, passive and unsuspecting, making them the perfect prey for the fantastic encounters Haruhi has been seeking her entire life.

Secretly though, because she knows that people in adventures rarely control what happens to them and because she cannot stand the idea of not controlling her own life, she fears the idea of a real adventure. So, she makes sure she can find the adventure first, or better yet, make it up herself. Anything to ensure control.

Haruhi is used to being the dominant one because there are few willing to fight her. She is used to getting her own way because no one ever tells her otherwise. But even she gets tired. Even she wants to relinquish control for a while and leave things in someone else's hands.

She chases fervently after dreams that she is too afraid to let happen to her. She is afraid of actually finding an alien, time traveler, or esper in case they don't want to hang out with her. Haruhi is too afraid to relinquish the control and is even more afraid it's holding her back.

But now Haruhi has Kyon, and Kyon doesn't let her just accept things. He won't let her have her own way all the time, he won't let her push him down and walk all over him like she does with everyone else. He takes the control out of her hands, one thing at a time. He already had a sort of indirect control over her SOS Brigade, her actions, even her words…and Haruhi loves him for it.

That is why, in the moments before the world exploded and Haruhi, her heart pounding and lips tingling, woke up in her own bed, she allowed herself to let go and let life just happen to her. She didn't initiate it, she didn't force it, she didn't seek it out and beat it into submission. She let the pieces fall where they may.

It was the scariest thing she had ever done.

But…she thought later, as Kyon complimented her on her ponytail, maybe it was worth it.

I hope that made some sort of sense. Bless my beta, Esbee, for bringing me back to the present. Also, bless her for thinking of the title. And for getting this done so quickly, even if I was too lazy to post it right away. She, unlike me, is not inherently lazy. Bless her for that too.

As far as I know, this isn't going to be continued. But I won't deny the possibility, just in case.

I won't count my blessings, but I would be blessed if you reviewed.