He was facing Voldemort, the darkest albino wizard in the land.
His wand drawn, Harry gathered his strength, and prepared to duel for his life, and the life of so many wizards to come after him. Voldemort, his own wand drawn, went into a dueling stance.
Hermione, who--with Ron-- had been flanking him at either side, whispered to him that the Death Eaters were all distracted enough that the Boy-Who-Lived could face He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named without interference. With that, Hermione and Ron both affectionately licked the side of his face and moved to take out Bellatrix Lestrange, who was viciously casting Crucio on the Whomping Willow. That bitch.
Voldemort laughed maniacally. "So we meet again, Potter. I'm going to kill you now, in case you were unaware."
"I had an inkling you might do that." Harry responded. He hoped his false bravado would cover the fact that he had just pissed himself.
"Unfortunately, I am immortal. No matter what you do, I will always come back to wreak havoc in this world, for I have many secrets keeping me alive."
Harry braced himself. This was it. The much missed and revered Albus Dumbledore's words ricocheted off the walls of Harry's lightning-bolt branded head. Harry had the power of love on his side. Voldemort was just a big poop.
Raising his wand, Voldemort sneered down at the bespectacled boy. Harry, snorting and pushing his glasses up his nose, got ready to bring down the evilest wizard ever.
Taking the large sack off his back and opening it on the ground, Harry pulled out what appeared to be a large yellow cup, shaped like a badger's head. "Is this one of your secrets, Tommy?"
"Tommy? I am Voldemort, you peon! And yes-- you may try and destroy the cup, but the curses I placed on it will surely kill you. Go ahead, I want to save the effort of killing you for the after party I scheduled at the new Hog's Head Club. The Death Eaters get in with no cover tonight!"
Harry, brushing aside the feeling of disappointment at not having been invited, took a deep breath. Remembering Dumbledore's words once more, he looked at his adversary. "I know the secret to your secret."
Harry lifted the cup, Dumbledore's proclamations of love ringing in his ears, and placed a kiss on the badger's nose. Immediately, the cup began to smolder.
Voldemort looked like he had pooped himself.
Feeling more confident, Harry placed a big wet smack on the badger's mouth, and the cup combusted.
"Well, fuck!" Voldemort said, looking rather peeved. "I'm so sick of this 'love' thing! Why the hell is it so damned powerful? I can fucking kill everything!"
Harry, ignoring Vodlemort's rant, took out Rowena Ravenclaw's Ruler, and caressed it. It turned a burning red, and as Harry stuck it down his pants, it also exploded. Voldemort went to 'Avada' Harry, but was shocked into petrifaction when Harry next pulled a large teddy bear out of his bag.
"How the hell did you get Mr. Shiggyblumpkins?!"
Harry grinned. "Your orphanage was having a rummage sale." And with that, Harry kissed the stuffed bear on the mouth. Its fur began to singe, but Harry continued to smooch the teddy. Soon he was open mouth kissing the plushie.
At this point several Death Eaters-- and Aurors-- had stopped to watch the spectacle. The Death Eaters were a bit miffed at their evil leader's using his old teddy bear for a horcrux, while the Aurors wondered when was the last time Harry wanked. Harry was getting pretty into his teddy bear snog.
Eventually, the bear combusted, and a very embarrassed Harry looked around at his audience. Ron looked like he might be sick, while Voldemort looked absolutely furious.
Clearing his throat, Harry then began pulling Nagini out of the apparently magical bag, coil by coil.
"What the hell! Nagini, didn't I leave you in the loo?" Voldemort yelled.
Nagini simply slipped up one of Harry's pant legs. Harry, his eyes rolling back in pleasure, grunted.
"Yeah. Yeah. Right there. Mmm." Harry groaned before Nagini too combusted, leaving Harry naked as his pants burned off.
His pants conveniently absent, Harry then took Salazar Slytherin's locket and placed it around his turgid tadger. Bouncing around happily, Harry soon had the warm feeling of completion-- as in, the locket had exploded.
Voldemort quickly pulled out his wandless hand from his robe, and began counting on his scaly fingers. 1...2... Harry had already destroyed five horcruxes. Shit!
Harry then took out the bag's last item. A plunger.
The Death Eaters were by this point dropping their wands in revulsion. Voldemort wasn't trashy enough to do this, was he?
Voldemort flared his slit like nostrils. "I didn't spell my soul into a plunger, you fool!"
"No, but you spelled it into this." And with this proclamation, Harry Potter took a diamond from inside the plunger, and with all the love in his heart he could muster, stuffed it up his nose. The diamond blew up in a flurry of heart shaped shards.
"And now... you die." Harry said, his eyes a steely, moldy green.
"Fool! There's still the seventh Horcrux." Voldemort shouted triumphantly.
"Oh, that?" Ginny said, seemingly coming out of the woodwork. "After Harry thrust a long, hard appendage into it, he stabbed it with the basilisk fang. If that didn't take care of it, we wrote as many Mary-Sue Fanfictions in it as we could."
Voldemort turned purple with anger. "You didn't have to freaking defile it with that shit!"
Ginny shrugged. "You defiled me first."
"You whore! I wouldn't have possessed you in the first place if you hadn't written all that bad smut in it!"
Ginny, turning more purple than Voldemort, lunged at the wizard only to be killed by his erect wand.
Harry, a little relieved that Ginny-- the creep-- would no longer be hatching monsters inside his chest, nevertheless knew this was the moment to destroy You-Know-Who.
Taking one more second to remember Dumbledore's most potent words, Harry ran at Voldemort, knocking Voldemort's wand to the side, and hugged him fiercely.
The key to everything was love.
Harry squeezed Voldemort closer, as the dark wizard stood stunned. From the crowd around them came the sounds of "aww" and "what the hell?", but no one's thoughts mattered. Harry had finally found his father.
"What the hell? I'm not yo daddy." Voldemort said disgustedly, as Harry had forgotten to think the last statement in his head.
And with that, Voldemort grabbed his wand and killed Harry.
Voldemort leant down, seemingly to check for a pulse, and whispered, "I love you too, Harry."
He then kissed the Boy-Who-Didn't-Live's... scar.
The Horrible End.
Note: I included "scar" as the last word of the story, like Rowling said she would for a thousand years in the 7th book. I have a paper to write for school. This story was horrible. As usual, this story is for you Prongsie. Sorry that it's the worst one yet. The End of this Author's Note.