A/N: A crack one-shot that came to me while I was studying. I am giggling as I type it up, because I realize that I am sinking into irreversible yaoi perversion. Forgive any grammatical errors…I'm typing this during by study break; and I really have to get back. For those of you waiting on the next chapter of 'Role Play'- don't get too mad at me! I'll start on that chapter the moment my exams finish, I promise! I'll make it extra special ;)
As for this story…Plot? What plot? Oh okay, this is total crack about how I think the whole Sasuke defection/retrieval bit could have gone. Read and enjoy the gratuitous lemon!
Warning! Mild spoilers if you aren't up-to-date with the manga; cheesy pop-culture references and general WTFery.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or anything related to the series. If anyone says otherwise, please tell me so I can sue them.

Sasuke moved to leave once more, but Sakura's impassioned speech continued, stopping him.

"…I have family and friends, but if you're gone, it will be the same as being alone! I…I love you so much!! If you stay with me, I'll make sure you don't regret it! Everyday will be fun! We'll definitely be happy! I'll do anything for you…"

Sasuke's eyes widened as he turned to look at the sobbing kunoichi incredulously.

"Sakura! Jeez…I know you like me, but isn't this going a bit overboard? What's with making those kinds of offers? For the love of Kami-sama, we're twelve!! Isn't there a boy band or something you should be freaking out over? This is just way too heavy."

Sakura's tears dried up as she stared back at him with equal disbelief.

"What the hell are you talking about? Are you belittling my feelings? So what if we're twelve? In the past six months we've killed people, spat fire, had at least four near-death experiences, got licked by a snake-pervert and have been forced into awkward compromising situations which involve me, a lone female, camping out with three hormonally challenged, emotionally repressed, totally male, morons. And you really think that love and sex are be beyond us at this stage?!"

"Violence, revenge, emotionally-crippling hatred, and unprovoked contract-killing are all one thing. Romance is on a totally different level. I don't think I'm mature enough for that!"


"Look, this is awkward. I'm just going to knock you out and run like hell okay?"

"Wait a min…(oof)".


Sasuke had been walking for another ten minutes when another familiar voice stopped him.

"Where are you going- ttebayo?" Sasuke paused as heard Naruto landing lightly behind him.

"I'm going to Orochimaru et cetera…I must seek power and so forth. For I am an avenger and all that jazz…" Naruto's fists clenched.

"Do you think I'm just going to let you go, teme?" Sasuke turned, smirking as he watched his friend's anger flare.

"What do you intend to do about it? I'm going and there isn't thing you can do or say stop me, dobe!"

"There is one thing…" A dark brow lifted.


"I'll beat you till you can't move and take you back, Sasuke!"

Sasuke deadpanned. "That's it…that's all you plan to do?"

"Well…what were you expecting?" Naruto looked at him in obvious confusion.

"You are supposed to offer to fulfil my every whim and fantasy to get me to stay…basically volunteer to be my bitch. If that fails, you are then supposed to offer to come with me and aide me in my revenge!" Naruto stared at him in amazement. "Look, that's what Sakura did!"

"Are you kidding?! We're twelve for the love of Kami-sama!" Sasuke huffed at Naruto's declaration.

"So what's your point? In the past six months we've killed people, spat fire, had at least four near-death experiences and…"

"So you want me to come on to you…to get you to stay?!"

"Well it's the least you can do…"

Naruto abruptly swivelled and started marching back to the village. "Don't let the sun hit you on your way out, teme!"

A vein in Sasuke's temple threatened to explode. Before Naruto could react, he was hit with a flying tackle from behind.

"Goddamn you, dobe! Offer me sex!"

"Nooooo!! Get off me, you pre-teen paedophile!!"

A few minutes later, a brooding Sasuke was stomping off to rendezvous with the Sound four and Naruto stomped back to his apartment to wait for the call.

-Later, at the Valley of the End-

The two boys balanced on their respective logs, the water rising and undulating about them. It was Sasuke who finally spoke.

"Why do you go so far for me Naruto?"

"Because…it was one of the first bonds I ever had!" Naruto replied, aiming a sad smile at the bowed head of his best friend.

"EXACTLY! And just to get to me, you almost had your chakra sucked dry, gotten stuck in a web, was almost run through with somebody's bone-sword, and sacrificed a team mate at every turn! All I ask is for some skin service!"

"Don't start that shit again teme…"

"How about dry-humping? I'll consider coming back for dry-humping!" Naruto gritted his teeth.

"I can't believe I ever thought you were cool."

"What's so bad about dry-humping? If you loved me, you'd do it"

"NO, you dirty, dirty pervert!!"






A dark chakra assaulted Kakashi, as he and Pakkun raced against time.

"Like OMGWTFBBQ is this feeling?" Pakkun stared at Kakashi dubiously. "(cough) I'm sorry, I've been watching 'My sweet 16' reruns and... Let's just hurry!"

It was beginning to rain, prompting Sasuke to stare up into the crying sky. Pain tore through his shoulder and he fell to his knees, coughing up blood. He opened his eyes to stare at the unconscious boy beneath him. He stared…and stared…and then stared some more. He stared until many young men across the world started shifting uncomfortably before their TVs and computers; while just as many girls felt instinctively that this was a thumbs up, OTP, 'in your face SasuSaku shippers!' moment for all time.

Sasuke slowly started to lean in.

"Don't even think about it! Just do your damn emo-walk and leave!" Naruto growled through pursed lips as he struggled to stay still.

"Freaking tease…" Sasuke muttered as he took off before Kakashi's scheduled arrival.

--Team Seven Reunion--

Naruto stretched his hand towards the Kyuubi, but was stopped as both he and the nine-tails were taken completely by surprise.

"Now I can see it. So this is the source of your power? Who would have thought that… … … You here to offer me sex yet, dobe?"

"No, we are only fifteen! What the hell's the matter with you?!"

"How about groping, then? I cop a feel now and then and we can call it even!"

The Kyuubi cleared his throat forcefully. "I see…a Uchiha is it?" Jeez, what's with that outfit? Why doesn't the kid just stamp 'man-whore' on his forehead while he's at it?

--Team Seven Reunion XIV--

Naruto rubbed a hand tiredly over his face as he stared at the apathetic bastard in front of him.

"Okay, so NOW you're coming home right?"

Sasuke tossed his head and looked off to the side at his query. Kakashi, Sai, Sakura and the remaining Hebi members all sat down and got comfortable. Kakashi was reading, Sai was painting, and Suigetsu was slurping on a Big Gulp…

"Nope, I still have things to do…" A vein in Naruto's head twitched at the off-hand statement.

"What else could you possibly have to do? You are sitting on top of your brother's dead body... which is piled on top of Orochimaru's dead body... which is draped over Orlando Bloom's!!"

'Freaking pretty boy', Sasuke thought, 'acting like he's all smexier than me in his stupid elf-tights. I had to do it!'

"You don't even have to revive your clan anymore! You found those long lost family members that were out touring with Marilyn Manson!"

Sasuke simply stuck his hands into his sleeves, stared off to the side and whistled. Sakura stood up and walked over to the fuming Naruto.

"Naruto, just bang him and get it over with. We'll be chasing him until we're all in need of wheelchair no jutsu, if this keeps up. Besides…you know you want to! Just do it already!"

Karin also came up to him. Taking his hands in hers, she looked deeply into his eyes and melodramatically declared:

"Yes Naruto-kun, screw him! Screw him for all of us who can't!!"

And with that Sakura and Karin joined hands and ran off wailing into the sunset.

"We really need to get those girls laid." Kakashi said blandly as he flipped a page.

"Uh huh…" Suigetsu agreed succinctly as he took another sip of his Big Gulp.

Naruto smacked a hand to his face as Sasuke eyed him expectantly. Ah, the dangers of peer pressure.

Naruto looked suspiciously about the room in the Uchiha complex. Intertwining candles, silk sheets and orange rose petals adorned the room, in a perfect setting for perverted seduction.

"Considering we just stepped foot in Konoha fifteen minutes ago and I've been with you the entire time; I'm at a loss as to how you pulled this off."

Sasuke just smirked and muttered. "Don't sweat the technique…"

Naruto snorted, plopped into a chair and stretched out his legs. He looked over at Sasuke who was still installed at the doorway. "Well?"

He was nervous. For almost ten years he'd being trying to convince the idiot to shag him and now he was nervous to the point of immobility. Sasuke couldn't believe this.

"Umm. If you don't want to do this, dobe, you don't have to…"

"Oh for the love of ramen…" Naruto got up and stalked over to the babbling raven.

Ignoring the startled protests, he hoisted Sasuke over one shoulder, stalked back to the centre of the room and stood him bedside the bed. Reaching down, Naruto yanked at the rope tied around Sasuke's waist and pulled it away. He then watched in surprise as all of Sasuke's clothes simply collapsed to the floor.

"Are you trying to say, that this purple ass-bow was the only thing keeping you clothed? You fought battles in this thing? Suppose somebody snagged it or something? What are you, a closet exhibitionist?" Well that was a paradoxical statement.

"Shut up!! It was perfectly combat-capable!" Sasuke muttered as he finished kicking off his pants and shoes; too annoyed to be self-conscious. That is, until Naruto wolf-whistled. Then he hurriedly dragged the black silk sheets around him.

"What, you've got a hot body there teme." Sasuke snorted while Naruto leered at him and wiggled his blonde eyebrows.

"I wouldn't know…I've only been offering it to you since we were twelve."

"Well excuse me for not being the oversexed little ninja you were! I didn't start having those urges till I was sixteen!"

"You were always slow, dead last!"

"And you were always horny! You know, I never did get back at you for sticking that baton up my…" (1)

"That was an accident!' Sasuke said quickly. Naruto only snorted and drew closer.

Sasuke, getting a little panicky, was starting to wonder if this was a bad idea until Naruto leaned down and kissed him. It started off softly as Naruto pressed his hands into Sasuke's bare back, using his new height advantage to throw Sasuke off balance. To stay upright, the other man had to let go of the sheet and use both hands to grip unto Naruto's jacket.

"I wouldn't let you fall…" Naruto whispered against Sasuke's mouth as a hand moved to grip Sasuke's hair as the kiss deepened. Naruto broke it to start removing his jacket as the Sasuke sat down on the bed and started unzipping his pants.

Naruto had just managed to struggle out of his undershirt, when he felt something warm and wet touch the head of his hardening erection. His hissed as a mouth slipped down his length, tortuously slowly, gauging and licking before pulling back. Before he could recover, the mouth plunged down again, a little faster this time, making Naruto moan as his hands combed through the dark hair.

Sasuke started to move more rapidly, his tongue flicking as his mouth dipped and tugged. A frantic rhythm built as he ran his free hand up Naruto's thigh to feel a firm buttock. He could feel Naruto tensing against him and he stopped his ministrations, temporarily.

"I think you better lie down." Sasuke smirked as he gave a few slow pumps to the throbbing member in his hand.

Naruto snorted, but complied, his back not even hitting the soft bed completely before Sasuke's mouth was on him again. Naruto groaned and thrust up into the warm cavern, unable to help himself. Sasuke gave another long lick up the head, his tongue sliding across the slit, tasting the sticky sweetness pearling there.

Naruto tugged at Sasuke's hair, and the raven moved to nip around the blonde's navel, the cursed seal flaring as the sensitive area was stimulated. Moving further, he paused at Naruto's nipples. He ignored the tugging on his hair to trail is tongue about hardened nub before dipping his head and sucking.

Naruto grunted and dragged Sasuke up forcefully, causing the man's lips to crash into his. Sasuke moaned as Naruto twisted until he was surging over the raven, his body descending to grind against him. Sensation exploded all over Sasuke's body as Naruto started to move; Naruto had tilted his head back to lave at his throat while he thrusted against him. Sasuke moaned and whimpered, locking his legs about Naruto's hips to encourage his actions.

Sasuke dug his nails into Naruto's shoulders, slipping occasionally as their bodies slicked with sweat. Naruto thrust forward a few more times, sliding his throbbing erection against Sasuke's; watching as the latter yelled and arched beneath him. He finally pulled back, and Sasuke voiced his displeasure.

"What are you doing you moron? Who told you to stop?!" Ignoring Sasuke's enticing charm, Naruto gestured vaguely about the room, still struggling to catch his breath.

"I guessing, somewhere in the middle of Moulin Rouge here, you've got some form of lubrication."

Sasuke blinked at him, tried to remember was lubrication was, and then nodded. He stuffed his hand beneath the pillow and whipped out an orange bottle.

"You kept it under the pillow?"

"I didn't want to waste time…just like we're doing now." Sasuke said testily as Naruto examined the bottle.

"Mr. Marmalade?"

"Is there a problem?" Once again, Naruto found himself on the receiving end of the Uchiha death glare and wisely decided to shut up.

Squirting a generous amount unto the tips of his fingers, Naruto slid a finger down the Sasuke's penis, over his tightening sac and finally paused at the tight entrance.

The lube had felt cold, and Sasuke shivered as Naruto's finger moved. A burning heat had immediately followed and Sasuke began to sweat more profusely. A hand wrapped around his erection and pumped, effectively distracting his as a finger was carefully slid into him.

Sasuke gasped at the intrusion and shifted about. There was another slow squeeze down his length and he arched up, giving Naruto the opportunity to slip in another coated digit. Sasuke moaned and fidgeted, the fingers in him were moving, and the discomfort was ebbing away.

"Hmm, nothing…" Naruto said as he continued his ministrations.


"Oh nothing…I was just expecting to find an icicle lodged up there; or a stick or something…" Naruto caught the fist headed for his jaw and a third digit slipped in unnoticed, until the fingers started to scissor. Sasuke flopped back unto the bed and hissed.

"Will you hurry the fuck up, already?"

"Ossu!" Naruto withdrew and squirted more lubricant into his palm. After giving himself a few strokes, he shifted until he loomed over Sasuke.

"Sasuke, are you…" The question was cut off by Sasuke dragging him down for another sweaty kiss.

The invasion was slow, and Sasuke tried not to tense. Once again, Naruto began to jerk him off as a distraction from the growing discomfort. Sasuke heard Naruto make a small sound above him, and then felt the man slide forward, burying himself to the hilt. Breath left them both in a rush, and Naruto went stock still, waiting until Sasuke gave him the go-ahead.

"What the hell are you doing…move dammit!" He guessed that was the go-ahead.

Naruto started to rock back and forth, watching Sasuke's face as he moved. Each time he thrust in, he angled it a little differently. The next time he plunged in, Sasuke arched clean off the bed, screaming Naruto's name as his body pressed flush against the others. Having found the sweet spot, Naruto attacked it ruthlessly.

Sasuke yelled as Naruto sped up, slamming into him with a building force that caused the bed to move with them. The banging sound of the bed-head hitting the wall was drowned out the grunts of the blonde hovering over him and the primal sounds Sasuke was making. Sasuke bucked, meeting every one of Naruto's thrusts with one of his own, his hands clawing desperately into the blonde's back.

Naruto was making these feral sounds that were quickly sending Sasuke spiralling over the edge. Dams of liquid fire burst and leaked into his blood as he listened to Naruto scream his name. As release overtook him, Sasuke found himself reaching up and sinking his teeth into Naruto's hard shoulder as the demon-vessel just growled and continued to pound into him. A few minutes later, when Sasuke was clawing wantonly at ever inch of Naruto he could get his hands on, and his heels were digging into Naruto's thighs, the blonde finally came- hard and hot causing Sasuke to explode all over again.

They both collapsed panting and heaving unto the bed. After a moment of heavy breathing, Naruto decided to graciously spare Sasuke his weight, and rolled off him; only to roll right off the bed since he didn't realize how close to the edge they were. Sasuke rolled his eyes, still to get his speeding pulse under control.

"Moron…" Sasuke panted huskily as Naruto stood up, smiled sheepishly and crawled back into the bed. "You see…we could have been doing this since we were twelve!"

"Shut up, you perverted bastard…and welcome home."

(1) Watch Naruto's Annual Sports Festival OVA and brace for it.

A/N: Phew, back to my books. Pray no more ridiculous ideas come to me while I attempt to concentrate. Is it just me or is the guy to girl ratio in Naruto ridiculous? Why are there ALWAYS three guys to a girl, in every situation, even in the newly formed Hebi? Why can't it be like that at my college? Anywho, I thought it was kind of funny how in the anime; the ultimate SasuSaku moment, the scene when Sasuke was leaving, was dominated by Naruto-centric flashbacks. Are there any team 7 flashbacks in which this kid isn't the camera-hog? But then, I already wrote a crack-fic about that, so I'll shut up. I hope you enjoyed this little bit of craziness. Tell me what you think! Much love.

P.S. 'Ossu'- means 'yes sir!' in Japanese. And Orlando Bloom played the elf 'Legolas' in the 'Lord of the Ring' trilogy…and he was in that gay pirate movie…which may or may not have been gay. The verdict is still out.