'"As long as there is rape, there is not going to be any peace or justice or equality or freedom. You are not going to become what you want to become or who you want to become. You are not going to live in the world you want to live in."' - Andrea Dworkin
Light could only feel an excruciating, agonizing amount of pain. His entire body, split down the middle, torn, ripped and used. It happened so fast he could barely comprehend it after the fact. During it, he felt like it would never end. He was sure he was doomed to exist in an eternity of anguish; even as his hands grasped at the dirty cement, he wasn't even sure what he was trying to hold onto anymore.
At first, he thought maybe he'd died.
Maybe he'd been shot or hit by a car, hadn't realized it, and now he was in Hell. But he remembered Ryuk saying that Death Note users couldn't go to Heaven or Hell, so that was out of the question.
He was in an alley, wasn't he?
He'd been walking home for the first time in…well, ages, since he'd gotten off those stupid cuffs with Ryuzaki. He had just gone out for a walk, to clear his mind before L's inevitable death in a few days. Then, while he was passing an alleyway, he'd been grabbed, thrown to the ground and –
He gritted his teeth, the piercing sensation not only cleaving his body but also his soul as he was penetrated, breached. He felt like his insides were on fire, fiercely wished he could do something. However, his attacker was physically larger and stronger than he was, and no Death Note was in his possession. Even as it was, he couldn't use it. He would have no way to write his attacker's name in it, even if he somehow knew the man's name.
Ryuk wasn't there to see his shame. He was happy for that. The Shinigami probably wouldn't even understand the seriousness of the situation, and would just laugh at Light in that stupid, annoyingly humdrum way of his. Hyuk, Hyuk. In and out, in and out –Light found that he hated that rhythm. And to his complete and total horror, he found tears leaking out of his tightly shut eyes.
The man didn't say a word the entire time.
Then, it was over. The man was gone and Light just lay on the ground for an an incalculable amount of time before picking himself up, slowly prying himself off the cement. He felt completely…numb. The tear of pain was long gone and no more drops could fall from his eyes; he forced himself to get up. It wouldn't due for anyone to find him like –like that.
He pulled up his pants, zipped them, and wrapped his trench coat tightly around his body. It would hide the rips that were in his shirt until he was able to change into something else back at L's building.
He took a step and nearly collapsed from the pain, grabbing onto a dumpster to steady himself. He scowled fiercely and started walking again, ignoring the soreness. He was only a few blocks from the building and so he attempted to walk the limp off; and perhaps walk so quickly that no one would notice it. He entered the building, rode up the elevator, and entered the conference area just long enough to inform them of where he was headed.
"I'm tired," Light said to the team, hiding his eyes beneath his fringe so no one could see the look in his eyes. "I'm going to bed."
Without another word, Light left to sleep, noticing but ignoring the look on L's face that clearly showed annoyance at his lack of participation in the workday.
Before anything else, Light showered and scrubbed hard, making sure no evidence remained of that night. Only once he had stepped out, skin raw and tinged pink, was he satisfied. Now, he could forget all about this. Now, he could go on with his life, get on with L's death and just…
He vomited into the toilet bowl until he'd regurgitated all the sustenance he'd ingested earlier that day. He wiped his mouth with a piece of toilet paper, flushed it and then washed his hands thoroughly before brushing his teeth. He looked in the mirror as he scrubbed his teeth, remembering -
He had screamed. He remembered screaming. How fucking pathetic was that?
As he walked to the bed, he knew that he could never tell anyone what happened. It was –it wasn't important. His father would think it was disgusting –hell, Light thought it was disgusting. And he'd let it happen. He was Kira, dammit! Kira –God –didn't get jumped in an alley and raped.
No. Light shook his head and pulled the covers over him as he settled his body into the mattress. That wasn't it. He couldn't have been…but he was. He sneered into the pillow as he thought this. He was supposed to be God. God's didn't bleed, Gods didn't hurt. He was supposed to save the world.
How could he do that if he couldn't even save himself?
In the morning, Light woke up to the sound of his alarm clock and nearly jumped at the shrill noise. He sat up and flinched at the pain that sitting on his bottom caused. He'd nearly thought the entire episode was a dream. He shook himself free of all self pity and set his jaw. I've just got to get back to normal. If I don't let this take me over, I have the control.
Light dressed, applied a bit of Neosporin to his injured anal passage, and walked out into the room where Ryuzaki was already sitting.
"I hope you slept well, Light-kun," L said, his eyes glued to his computer screen faithfully. Light wanted to sneer –the comment was a subtle jab at him from the detective.
"I did. Thank you, Ryuzaki," Light replied, sitting carefully in the chair and logging into his account name to access today's files, "Is there anything new I should know about?"
"Mm," L grunted, picking up a doughnut from his plate and placing part of it into his mouth, which was open wide in welcoming for the inserted food. L shook his head, "No new data has been accumulated, Light-kun."
Light nodded and started reading about the new criminals that had been killed that day, but he wasn't paying too much attention to it. Ryuzaki was watching him out of the corners of his abnormally large eyes. He just knew it. L knew something was wrong with him. He could see how weak Light suddenly was. How fucking filthy.
He was supposed to be Kira. How could he let such a thing to happen to him?
Reading over a man Misa had killed that day, which had been sleeping with women promiscuously, knowing that he had AIDS. His eyes widened –he hadn't even thought of that. What if he had some sort of sexually transmitted disease now? He gulped hard, but kept his face calm. He had to relax…he took a deep breath.
"Is Yagami-kun feeling okay?" Ryuzaki inquired, his left cheek puffed out slightly due to another piece of doughnut. "You look flushed."
"No…" Light cleared his throat and looked back at the task he was set to do. "I'm fine."
"Good, because Kira has killed a dozen criminals today already, including a man that was apprehended for a robbery in which two clerks were killed," L told Light in that irritatingly apathetic voice.
Light felt he was mocking him. Pretending like everything was normal, the bastard, when it was as plain as day just how repulsive he was. Kira? Ha! He didn't deserve such a title anymore. Stopping criminals? Right, it had already been proven how apt he was at doing that.
No. He wasn't Kira anymore. Not really.
And he found that his heart felt anesthetized, as though paralyzed by some unknown drug that ripped out the soul and tore out the purity. Nothing really mattered anymore. Why should it, though? He doubted he would get through the day, let alone the next few days until Rem came to the headquarters to kill L.
He also realized that he didn't find pleasure in the thought of L's death. He didn't particularly care for the man's survival either, but there was no sadistic fulfillment in having the man killed; he was no longer fit to be Kira. He was so used and revolting and…spoiled…that now he knew he was not a God. He wasn't even sure he was all-human anymore.
Humans had souls, right? He felt like he possessed none. His backside hurt and his head hurt –a horrible migraine -but there was nothing inside. He found himself…unable to care what happened to himself, let alone the entire world. He sipped on his coffee and listened to Ryuzaki's inferences –all of which where correct. He made no comment, except for nods and small murmurs of agreement.
Because how could he go on in this world, with these people? These people who knew nothing of true evil. They thought Kira was evil, ha! Kira was anything but. He was stopping people who were doing horrible things. Things like what happened to him! He was Kira! Avenger of all the good people in the world!
He used to be. Before last night. Before everything was stripped from him; his dignity and his pride. Because he was forced to saturate in his humiliation before the eyes of another being, who had contravened God. By someone who was more powerful than Light. But no. No one was more potent than God. And yet, someone was stronger than Light…which only meant one thing…
That Light was not God.
"Light," His father came up to him during dinner break, though Light was working straight through it. He was merely masking his lack of appetite with his intense desire to capture Kira. "Are you sure you don't want to come with me?"
A coil of something cool and tight twisted into the bottom of his stomach, an emotion he vaguely recognized as fear. Fear to go outside and to leave. For what if he was out there –just waiting for the chance to attack Light again? The genius in him knew that was ridiculous, however. All the evidence on his assailant pointed to a serial rapist, an opportunist, not a person who stalked one person in order to assault them over and over again. In fact, Light doubted he'd ever see the man again. And if he did, he wouldn't know it.
He hadn't seen the bastard's face.
"No, dad, I'm okay," Light forced a radiant smile up at his father, "I…really want to catch Kira. I'm dedicated to it."
"All right, Light, if you say so," his father nodded and started out the door, straightening his glasses and sliding them up the bridge of his slick nose.
But Light wasn't dedicated to seizing Kira.
He wasn't even dedicated to being Kira anymore.
Hands. Rough. Cold. "No!" A grunt. A zipper. Light's pants being yanked down to his knees. Hands. Pain. "Aaaahh!"
Jerking slightly, Light gasped, causing Ryuzaki to look at him oddly. Light closed his eyes, regaining himself before he just gave L a small smile and turned back to his computer like there was nothing wrong. He frowned though, when facing the computer, and he realized that this did not really appeal to him. Why should he really work when he is Kira anyway? No, was Kira. He wasn't a god now.
In fact, he found he didn't really care whether he lived or died anymore.
This was unimaginably strange for Light. He had never gone through the teenage depression that so many other kids had. In which they thought about suicide or cut themselves. In fact, he couldn't remember any time when he'd thought of ever choosing to not live. Every time he'd heard of someone killing themselves on the news, he thought they were immature and unable to see past what their life was at the moment.
He wouldn't kill himself. That was…not Light. He would never take a knife to his own wrist or a noose to his own throat, nor jump off a building or take a surplus amount of pills. For one thing, the state that his body would be found in would be embarrassing. And the funeral would be about a normal boy, who 'no one had known would do such a thing'. They'd fill their minds with thoughts that they should have seen the sadness, when there was none.
Light didn't care to die, but his normally strong will to live was suddenly absent.
At the end of the day, when Soichiro had insisted, Light finally went to his room to go to sleep. First, though, he went to the shower. He scrubbed and scrubbed and was almost angry at his hands for being unable to make him feel clean. He scowled and got out and avoided the mirror. He dried himself off, remembering who he was supposed to be.
Kira, damn it! He was supposed to bring Justice to the World! And now…now he'd been victimized and…he found, while that made him hate criminals even more, that…
He just didn't care anymore.
He just wanted it to be over.
But he couldn't commit suicide, as stated before. That was a foolish death, and besides, he hated that people would miss him. His father, mother and sister…so, he didn't want to leave them behind with their last memory being his body with slit wrists. No. And he certainly didn't want anyone to think he was a coward. Because he wasn't.
No. Direct suicide was out of the question. In fact, there was a way he could make sure his death was almost certain, and his father, mother and sister wouldn't miss him.
He could admit he was Kira.
Ryuzaki would be ecstatic. Light hated that. He disliked Ryuzaki, but he no longer felt the need to kill him. For if he did, the task force-comprised of his father and other men who thought highly of him-might merely commit him to prison for life instead of the death penalty. That wouldn't do. Then he'd be stuck in a cell with some man who could also commit such an infringement on Light. No. Only Ryuzaki would make sure that he died –and possibly his father if he still felt the way he had during his confinement.
He'd almost forgotten about that. He knew he didn't want his father to kill him, but if that was the only way –yes. If he admitted to being Kira in front of the entire task force, then his father would almost definitely kill him and then kill himself, like he'd said before. If that were so –Light would take the peace of death where he could.
However –he was also scared. He scowled as he realized it. He'd become scared of far too much recently. He was scared to go outside, afraid to let that happen again, and now scared of death and where he would go if not Heaven or Hell. Perhaps Purgatory? That was the last conclusion he could think of, the only destination his soul had left.
He sat on the bed and shook his head, sighing. Was this normal for…people like him? To want to give up? He had never been in this position before and his brain was trying to evaluate the situation. There was the victim, the criminal, and the people who tried to help the victim, either emotionally or by getting the criminal put in jail. Light thought of himself as the latter, but in truth, he knew he may now be all of the above.
He didn't believe he was a criminal though. He had been helping the world by being Kira, and he would never regret that. Ever. He was merely…not quitting, but retiring. Yes. He was retiring, that was the perfect way to say it. Retire. Withdraw. Retreat. 'Give up' sounded like he was surrendering –but he wasn't! He was Yagami Light and he simply didn't feel like it anymore.
Now that he'd faced such a trauma, trying to make a utopia felt…inane.
Because even in this Kira-scared world today, a man had ignored the alleged law he'd put in place.
Light slipped under the covers and formulated a plan. He thought about what he would do, and what people's reactions would be to what he would do. Misa was coming over tomorrow, so he designed what he would tell her to do. He imagined the men on the task force's responses. What they would say, what their faces looked like. He calculated so far ahead he even predicted what his death would most likely be. He even knew he'd be terrified until the very end.
Maybe even after the end, depending on where his soul went.
The best thing for him would be…to disappear completely.
To just stop existing.
Then he'd stop having to remember.
With that hopeful thought in mind, Light slipped into sleep.
The next morning, Light took another shower. He'd woken up nearly an hour before his alarm clock rang due to a nightmare. He'd been in a dark room with no windows or doors, but there was someone else in side the room –he could hear them breathing. But the bad dream wasn't important, so he disarmed his alarm clock and walked into the main room, where Ryuzaki –unsurprisingly –was awake and staring intently at the many screens. Sitting down in his normal seat, Ryuzaki looked up at his with wide eyes. For some reason, Light didn't want to keep eye contact for too long.
He decided it was illogical to think that the detective could see and know what happened to him. Thinking such a thing was arbitrary. And yet…
"Good morning, Light-kun," L greeted in his usual bland voice.
"Good morning, Ryuzaki," Light responded, nodding and getting a cup of coffee for himself. He noted L was sipping on his own cup of tea and a piece of cake was sitting half-eaten on a plate in front of him.
"Cake this early, Ryuzaki?" Light attempted to smile, walking back over to his seat and compelling the corner of his mouth to lift.
"It is not early for me, Light-kun, and instead very late," Ryuzaki responded, placing a defiant fork full into his mouth. "Besides…it is never too early for cake."
Light nodded, as though he understood but didn't concur.
"You are up early," Ryuzaki stated, his eyes focused on the computer monitor in front of him, "Usually you do not wake for at least another half hour. Did you sleep badly?"
"No, it was fine. I just happened to wake up early and get my day started," Light lied, purposely refusing to answer the question. If L noticed –and of course he did –then he did not comment and merely began reading the document in front of him.
It took three hours for Aizawa to arrive and then soon after it was Soichiro. Matsuda was fifteen minutes behind him. After that, Light quit paying attention. He merely focused on the people that Misa had killed so far that day. Hm. They would be her last. It felt strange. He wondered how Ryuzaki would feel once he pled guilty.
Even as he thought it through thoroughly the night before, he knew he couldn't truly see L's reaction to it. Would he be happy, knowing he was correct the entire time, about everything, or would he be liberated now that he'd finally caught Kira? Somehow, while Light knew L would feel relieved that such a killer-in Ryuzaki's opinion, not Light's-would be off the streets, he also knew that it wouldn't be a win for the man.
Because Light was admitting it, and ultimately losing the battle, he was winning the war –because Ryuzaki hadn't found him out. In the end, it was Light who had retreated, for his own reasons. L would have to live for the rest of his life knowing that he hadn't really solved this case. It gave Light a sick pleasure and he gazed at L, imagining how those eyes would look once he told him that he'd been correct in all his assumptions. It would be…entertaining.
Light put his chin in his hand and his elbow on the table, fighting the urge to rub his eyes as they strained against the glare of the computer screen. It was just heart attack after heart attack and –heh –wouldn't it be interesting if they killed him using the Death Note so that he died of a Heat Attack? Hm. It would certainly be better then the electric chair, even though he preferred lethal injection. Simple. Painless.
But wait. Now that he thought about it, wasn't Ryuk supposed to kill him? Or would it matter anymore to the Shinigami? Since he was no longer interesting to him, would he want or have to kill Light anymore? Either way, he supposed. As long as it was over. Because he wasn't good enough to be God. Not anymore.
Soon, Watari's came and informed Light of Misa's arrival. He nodded and walked into the hallway to greet his 'girlfriend' and give Misa her orders. He new they couldn't hear them because this part of the building wasn't bugged, and that Misa would do whatever he asked. He just hoped she wouldn't ask too many questions.
"Misa," He greeted with a smile. And she turned with a bright, childish smile on her face and ran up to him.
"Light!" She called, throwing her arms around his neck.
Light nearly yanked himself away from the touch.
His breath hitched but nothing more. He schooled his features to stay calm and he slowly wrapped his arms around Misa's thin waist.
"Misa Misa missed Light sooo much!" She squealed, "Did Light miss Misa Misa too!?"
"Yes, Misa, I did," Light whisperer into her ear, and saw Ryuk floating behind Misa a few feet away, that never-ending smile staring at Light menacingly. "Now, I need you to listen to me and do whatever I say, okay?"
Pulling away and settling on holding both Light's hands in hers, she nodded vigorously and beamed, "Yes! Misa Misa will do whatever you want!
"Bring your Death Note here tomorrow," Light told her, "Hide it in your shirt or something and then when you hug me, help me slip it under mine."
"But then they'll find it –" Misa started, eyes going wide.
"Just do it. Okay, Misa?" Light said, making his face soften so that he looked like he was pleading. Misa perked up right away.
"Of course Misa will!" Misa smiled radiantly, "And what about L? You said that –"
"That's canceled," Light said. "L can no longer die."
"Wha -?" Misa frowned, her bottom lip sticking out in a pout, "But I thought that that was what Light wanted!"
"He suspects me again," Light lied, "He said if he dies any time soon, to assume that I am Kira –again. I don't know why, but he's deduced that I'm Kira once more."
"B-But," Misa started confusedly, "Isn't that even more reason to -?"
Reluctantly, Light bent down and kissed her deeply. He cringed inwardly as he tasted her lips. He felt her fingers dig gently into his hands in surprise and then finally he backed away. She looked dazed, as she had the last time he'd kissed her, a faint blush on her cheeks and a lost look in her large eyes. She giggled softly.
"Right, okay, bring it here, yes," Misa agreed. Light smiled and then looked to Ryuk, who was laughing in his frustrating way. Hyuk, Hyuk.
"Long time no see, Ryuk," He murmured. I'm afraid we'll be parting soon, "Do not come with her next time."
"Fine, fine, Light," Ryuk shrugged, tilting his head so that his dangly heart earring clanked against the side of his face.
"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow, Misa," Light said, heading back to the conference room.
"Misa Misa will do as her knight says!" She called after him, forcing Light to wave shortly before turning the corner.
Once in the room with Ryuzaki and the others, Light took his seat a couple meters from L and started on the files he had yet to finish. Now, all he had to do was wait until tomorrow; if he was lucky he might even avoid any conversations. Unfortunately, luck was not on his side and he was prompted to speak with Ryuzaki, who asked him if he'd noticed anything unusual.
Figuring that it wouldn't hurt anything, Light told Ryuzaki something he knew he didn't already know. "I was just thinking about how we could possibly kill a Shinigami.."
L looked at him, interested, "And what did you determine, Light-kun?"
"Well, obviously they don't die naturally after a certain amount of time, and so they are somewhat 'immortal' unless they fail to write names down, " Light continued as though he was still piecing it together himself. "So how else could you kill them? They can't be physically harmed and they can't die by the Death Note –so I thought it was only logical if they 'broke the rules' they would die."
"Continue," L said monotonously. By now his father, Matsuda and the rest of the task force were also listening intently to his conclusion.
"Well, since their job is to kill people –make their life shorter –then it would make sense that they'd be breaking the rules to make someone's life longer," Light relayed, pausing at the right moment to project the image of thoughtfulness, when he was actually certain this was the case. "So, if the Shinigami extended someone's lifespan, then perhaps they…would die."
"But that doesn't make sense," Matsuda said, blinking. "Um –Death Note's don't make life longer, then kill people."
"I don't think Light-kun was referring to the object itself making a life longer," Ryuzaki stated calmly, staring at Ratio, calculating this explanation. Light could almost hear the thoughts;what does this mean? If he were Kira, then he wouldn't have told me something like this. Unless – "I think he was saying that they extended someone's life by ending someone else."
"Yes," Light agreed, nodding, "Like if they killed a person that was about to kill another person, so that the person who was nearly killed lived longer. Does this make any sense?"
"It's…plausible. If it proves to be true, it may even be useful," Ryuzaki responded.
"But –But –Why would Shinigami do that!?" Matsuda asked frantically, looking at Soichiro for confirmation. Light's father stood there, perplexed. "I mean –Shinigami wouldn't do that, right? Why would they save a human?"
"Maybe…" Light trailed off and looked away, willing himself to look slightly embarrassed. "If they were in love with a human?"
Ryuzaki blinked, took sip of his tea and once the glass left his lips, he was smiling a tiny smile. He opened his mouth wide and spoke.
"Interesting," L stated. "If what Light-kun is suggesting is true, then the only way to kill a Shinigami is ultimately to make them fall in love with a human."
Light pretended to pause contemplatively, then nodded.
"It's interesting, but altogether irrelevant," L continued nonchalantly. Matsuda and Soichiro's shoulders sagged at the tone. Light felt annoyed by L's impudence.
"Fine, I'll keep future revelations to myself," Light said, looking back at his screen.
"That is not what I meant, Light-kun," Ryuzaki replied, looking at Light blankly. "I merely meant that that information isn't useable to us. It is, however, an interesting discovery that you put time into and therefore it is not worthless. Just not right now. Do you think that Ryuk or Rem are going to fall in love with any of us?"
Light looked back at Ryuzaki, eyes narrowed. "No."
L nodded and looked back at his computer screen. Light went back to his, as well; although, he was slightly more annoyed than usual at L's comment. He fucking hated Ryuzaki and his condescending words. Damn him. Light couldn't wait to see the helplessness on the detective's face when he revealed just who he was. He couldn't wait to die, so that not only would he be free of reliving the worst moment of his life, but also from L.
The absolute bastard.
That same night, Light punched a wall. It was harder then Ryuzaki's face, but he made due. He'd taken yet another shower and yet he wasn't clean. It wasn't fair. He was supposed to be the guy that killed criminals –not got victimized by them! It was that man's fault. How he wished he knew his name. He'd use the Death Note to kill him in the worst way possible.
Starting with castration.
He went to sleep and had another nightmare. The same one. He woke up sweating, panting, and gasping for what little air his constricted lungs could catch. His heart was pounding against his ribs and he was looking around the room in a panic. Damn. Watari and Ryuzaki would be looking over the tapes, wouldn't they? Shit. He'd have to lie, if questioned.
He looked at the clock. Two in the morning. That was an hour earlier then yesterday. He might as well get up and go to Ryuzaki. If he didn't, Ryuzaki would see him sitting in his room idly for two hours. That would no doubt cause an argument that Light really didn't care to participate in Battles of wit were always fun, but he felt any rough physical contact might trigger another flashback, and he wanted to prevent those.
Light took another shower.
Upon dressing and slipping his shoes on, Light departed from his room and walked to the conference room; where once again, L was sitting quietly, reading. He poured himself coffee before taking his seat on the left of Ryuzaki, who greeted him with another calm 'good morning'. Light replied in turn and began to read the file of people that had been killed once again. Ryuzaki was infuriating.
But he reveled in knowing what would happen later on today. Soon, it would be over. He would no longer have to relive…that terror any longer –and he would get to see Ryuzaki's face. Oh yes, he'd love that. Maybe he'd be shocked –not that Light was Kira, but that he confessed to it. Maybe he'd –well, there wasn't much use trying to predict it.
Ryuzaki was unpredictable.
All Light knew was that he was going to be free soon. He knew the world would be changed, even if he was no longer passing judgment. Everyone would think twice before doing something wrong, he knew. There would be amazingly less crime now that people always had the fleeting thought of suddenly dying. Even when police told them that Kira had been caught and killed, they'd always doubt it. Always fear it.
Once everyone had arrived, the day passed more slowly. As much as Light dreaded to admit it –and he wouldn't, not even to himself –but he enjoyed time with L. He was the only person who he could identify with and whose mind was tantamount to his own. He would miss their little spats and conversations- but not L himself. Never L.
Finally, Watari informed him that Misa had arrived and his heart rose to his throat but his face remained passive. He nodded and walked from the room, making the trek to where Misa was waiting. He felt something crawling in the pit of his stomach but that was the only sign of uneasiness. He approached Misa, allowed her to hug him and felt the cool exterior of the Death Note brush his flat stomach as it was slipped under his shirt.
Pulling away, Misa smiled up at him brightly, "Misa Misa did what Light asked!"
"And you did a very good job, Misa," Light humored her, "Now, Misa, I want you to give up your ownership. No questions, okay?"
"But –" She covered her mouth with her hands and blushed, "Right. Light says no questions, so Misa Misa doesn't ask questions!"
"Thank you, Misa," Light nodded and began to walk away.
"Wait, Light, you aren't going to give Misa Misa a goodbye kiss!?" Misa shouted and Light internally sighed. He turned, pecked her on the lips and walked back to the conference room slowly.
As he reached the door, he took a deep breath. This was it. If he wanted to back out, this was the time to do it. Well, it was a time to do it. The best time would be before Misa slid the note under his shirt. But now was the last minute. He might be able to catch Misa and give it back if he so chose. He nearly turned back when –
Shove. Hands. "No.". Cold. Pain. "Aaaahh!"
Clenching his eyes shut, Light calmed himself. No. He couldn't live any longer with memories like those. He'd go insane. Soon, he'd probably have nightmares recounting the entire event, detail by detail. Every place those fingers touched. Every scream he cried, every path the tears of agony had fled from his ducts. Light hadn't cried since he was an infant –and he never did so for emotional pain. But physical pain was something else entirely. He still hid a limp when he walked.
He grasped the doorknob and it was cold and hard under his digits. He was glad his hands weren't sweating, and kept his breathing calm even when it threatened to break free of his restraints and become erratic. No. Light was calm. Light was always calm. When he opened the door, he was calm. When he stepped inside, he was calm. When he closed the door behind him, he was still calm.
He sat down in his chair and went over what he had planned out the night before last, knowing what L would inevitably say and what Light would therein say in return. He supposed he would be questioned. He supposed Matsuda would gasp stupidly and Aizawa would scowl and his dad –his dad would look heartbroken. Light wasn't looking forward to seeing Soichiro's face.
And so he stared at Ryuzaki. He set his dark amber eyes on the detective and kept him and his hunching form set in his hard gaze. Of course, it didn't take long for the man to look up from his reading to look at the person who was eyeing him so shamelessly. For a moment, L didn't speak, merely calculating what that intense look could signify.
Finding no explanation in his cosmic mind, L deadpanned, "Light-kun should be working on the case."
Light felt his heart tremble in his rib cage, as though it were a prisoner on Death Row, only an hour away from execution, "That will not be necessary, Ryuzaki."
Blinking, Ryuzaki replied, "Why is that, Light-kun?"
Light nearly paused, but knew that L would take that for a sign of weakness. Instead, he set his gaze firm on those twin onyx orbs and set his shoulders, lest he slump in defeat.
"Because Kira is coming clean."
"Is that a confession, Light-kun?" L said in a way that could have been taken as an insult, if Light were not Kira. But because he was, and he'd been counting on this response, he replied quite simply.
Ryuzaki was unsure of how to respond. He didn't open his mouth, because he was afraid if he did, gibberish would come forth. Light heard the tapping of keys and the clicking of mice go silent, the squealing of turning chairs ceased and instead piercing stares replaced them. His father and the entirety of the task force were gawking at him. He merely stared back, unaffected.
"Light." Damn. It was his father, "You –this can't be right. This is some kind of very silly joke. We proved you weren't Kira in the confinement –"
"The thirteen day rule is fake," Light said tersely, unable to meet his father's eyes, and instead fixed them on Ryuzaki; who was staring at him indifferently, his face hinting at no emotion, sad or happy. "Ryuzaki was correct. As is the rule that says that when the Death Note is destroyed everyone who touched it will die."
Soichiro gaped, his eyes frantic and wide. Matsuda gasped, as expected, and the rest of the task forced seemed either shocked or overcome with rage.
"I made them up so that I would be cleared, and so that you would not destroy my Death Note," Light relayed to them.
"But –no –you –" Matsuda stuttered. "But this whole time -?"
"At one point I lost my memory," Light explained, looking at the young cop. "If you give up your ownership of the Death Note, you forget everything that has to do with it."
"So when you were in con –"
"How can you be acting so calm!?" Soichiro's explosion was also something that Light had counted on. It was unavoidable. There was a 24 percent chance that he would die by his father shooting him after the revelation. "Kira –Light is Kira - my son!"
"...Yes, I am," Light agreed, averting his eyes. Ryuzaki was still quietly staring. Light found that was more disturbing than any other outlandish reaction the man might have had.
"You –you –" And he was reaching for his gun. Suddenly, Ryuzaki held up his hand and his voice sliced through the commotion Soichiro had caused.
"Please, Yagami-san, do not do anything rash," L stated calmly, still staring at Light. It was extremely unnerving; Light felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.
"But –he's my son –"
"Yes, he is your son, Yagami-san," L agreed, "But let's hear the entire story before we decide what to do with him."
"I –" Soichiro was sweating and panting, stressed and strained, and he looked as though he was about to cry. The circles under his eyes seemed larger and darker than they had this morning and he looked about ten years older. "Yes. Of course. You're…You're right, Ryuzaki. I let my emotions overpower with me."
"I'm sorry," Light said suddenly and Soichiro looked up, almost hopeful. "Not for killing criminals. I still think that's right. I think that I should be praised, not punished, for making the world a better place. But the laws of society don't allow that, and I'm sorry that one of the people that enforce those laws had to be someone that cares about me."
Soichiro didn't say anything. His stare was haunted and tired, and Light found that the look reminded him of his own, when he wasn't schooling his face to look composed.
" Light-kun," Ryuzaki said, and Light raised an eyebrow at the name. Interesting that it hadn't changed to a less friendly title. "Tell us the story, from the moment you found the Death Note, to now."
"I was at school, looking out the window and I saw it fall from the sky…"
He told them about how he'd found it; how he'd read it and thought it was an elaborate joke. He told them how it compelled him to try it, so he found someone that he could tell died right away. Then how he tried it again, knowing that a pattern could only be shown after two attempts. He told them how Ryuk had shown up and then how mad he was at Lind L. Taylor for so blatantly speaking against his goal. He told them that it was a stupid mistake that he never made again.
He told them about meeting 'Ryuuga' and playing tennis with him and meeting Misa, who had the eyes and wanted to be his girlfriend. He informed them about his genius plan to go into confinement, lose his memories, and by the time that he got out, Rem would have no choice but to kill L if she wanted Misa alive. How he had stopped the death god from killing him, however. Then, he produced the second Death Note from his shirt and threw it onto the desk in front of Ryuzaki, so that it nearly landed on a new piece of cake.
After a long moment, devoid of noise, Ryuzaki spoke.
"I do not believe it."
"I know!" Matsuda shouted, grasping at his own hair. "It-it's Light, y'know? I –"
"You misunderstand," L stated, rolling his large eyes over to the officer, "I mean, that I do not believe it."
Light narrowed his eyes, "You mean to tell me, that when I deny that I'm Kira, you suspect me, but when I actually admit to being him, your suspicion is cleared?"
"No, Light-kun," L said, his eyes zooming back to Light, "I mean to say that if you were really Kira, you would not be telling me that you are. There was no reason to. The suspicion I had of you was unfounded and circumstantial at best."
"So…you think I'm covering for someone," Light said with distaste.
"No, I do not believe that Light-kun would die for anyone if he had a choice," L responded evenly.
"So you believe I don't have a choice?" Light inquired, crossing his legs and folding his hands in his lap. "Blackmail or something?"
"I don't think there is anything the Light-kun cares enough about that he would he susceptible to blackmail or bribery," L answered emphatically.
"So what are you saying?" Light asked, resisting the incredible urge to sigh in annoyance. He kept his eyes away from the other occupants of the room, and mostly his father, who was probably still staring at him with old, tired, sad eyes.
"The Death Note tells us that you can control a person's actions for up to twenty three days until their death," L elucidated, taking a bite of his chocolate cake. Only L would be able to stomach food in such a situation. "So I'm saying that someone may be controlling Light-kun before he dies."
He took a sip of tea.
"Perhaps they wrote 'Yagami Light, believes he's Kira and admits to being him to the police. Dies on X date' or something of the like," L said, looking at his reflection in the spoon that he held between his thumb and forefinger. "That is the only explanation that I can see making this sudden confession clear."
Light felt as though he'd swallowed something foul and acidic. Was Ryuzaki…was he an idiot? No, he was incredibly intelligent. Annoyingly so. But damn it –this was a little too much overanalyzing, more than Light had expected or wanted,. He was Kira! He should be arresting him, killing him, not –not this.
"I am Kira. Do I need to show you how easy it would be for me to kill a criminal at this very second?" Light quarried lightly.
"If you believed you were Kira, then of course it would be easy for you," Ryuzaki stated, shrugging. "So, Light-kun, unless you have a reason for your confession…?'
"I'm done. I'm…retiring. That's it," Light snapped, lying like all the people he killed were in the ground. Like he was going to tell them that he didn't want to live anymore because he'd been raped and he didn't want to have to remember. He was so damn weak –even now. Self-loathing mixed in with hot rising bile.
"No." Pain. "Aaaahh!"
"So…Ryuzaki," Soichiro said, his voice soft and wheezy. "I…Are you saying that my son is not Kira, and that he's being forced into admitting he is via another Death Note?"
"There is an 85 percent chance that is the case," Ryuzaki nodded. Soichiro slumped into his seat, relief and hope running through his entire body.
No, Light thought. No. This certainly wasn't happening. Damn Ryuzaki and his unpredictability. He'd come into this expecting that his father might kill him, or that he'd be formally arrested and executed, or even something less formal that L concocted but this - No. No way. What the hell was this?
"Light-kun, I must ask you to let me conduct another confinement," Ryuzaki said, the prongs of the silver fork sliding off his lips. "Twenty three days, that's all, living on the 18th floor with me. If you die within that time, you are not Kira, and if you don't, then I will believe that you are."
This was absurd.
Light frowned deeply. "Why are you doing this?"
"Because I want the truth, Light-kun," L said simply, before calling in Watari on the phone. Soon, they'd be taken to the 18th floor. Light wasn't allowed to bring anything with him, all the supplies he needed would be provided in the room, he was told.
L knew that something was wrong, and whether it was Kira or not, he was going to find out what it was. He was confident, that in twenty-three days he could solve this riddle. It wasn't an entire case he had to unravel, but a single person. He would find out why Light was doing this at all costs. It was a puzzle, and he craved puzzles more gluttonously then sugar.
Light glared at L, wishing he knew the scheming behind those vast seas of black, inky irises. L wanted to figure him out, but that wouldn't happen, no matter what. He glowered at L, and L glowered back, their eyes trapped in a silent, dark duel.
I'll find out the truth…
You won't find out the truth…
I'll make sure of it