Memento Mori

Memento Mori - a reminder of mortality

Rating: M

Pairing: L Ryuuzaki x Yagami Raito

Categories: Angst/Romance/Drama

Warning(s); Rape, Yaoi, adult situations, bad language, manipulative bastard L and 'still thinks Kira is Justice' but traumatized Raito. Possible (but not likely) sexual content. Spoilers vol. 1-7.

Outside Summary; Characters w/ spaces; 239

Raito is brutally assaulted and decides to end it all –and what better way then to admit he's Kira and let his nemesis do it for him? Of course, things with L can never be so simple. "Twenty-three days, living alone with me." LxRaito Yaoi.


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Chapter Eighteen – Never Always

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The dusky yellow glow shown from the lamp, the only source of light in Raito's bedroom as he lay on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. He'd spent two days in the medical room, with his hand bleeding something awful and he chastened himself for his stupidity. He'd allowed Watari to get to him; he'd ruined a whole months worth of work in ten minutes. He'd allowed L's lackey to get him riled up, and for what?

Watari knew he'd been raped. L had said it that day he'd been 'spying' among other potentially embarrassing things. Such as that kiss. Or rather, those kisses. Because really, they'd kissed for a few minutes straight, and although their mouths had not left each others, Raito doubted that it counted as one kiss. Watari knew, and it angered him, because it furthered the humiliation that he'd been enduring since the day Akitoshi had hurt him. First from himself, then L.

"Raito-kun."

He really couldn't get away from the man. There he was, always, sitting at the end of his bed or next to him on the couch or at the other computer. He was always there! Raito didn't look up upon L's call and instead merely spoke, his eyes directed still at the ceiling. It had a nice pattern.

"I don't want to talk to you," Raito said calmly, although his voice was hard, it did not waver as he glared at the underside of the roof.

"Raito-kun, I have delayed this long enough," L replied, sitting down on the bed and Raito felt himself tense instinctively, but besides that, made no other movement. "I thought I could ignore this and it would just go away, no doubt you did as well. However, recent events have shown me otherwise."

"It will go away," Raito snapped, "The only thing that won't go away is you."

"You hurt yourself," L pointed out and Raito rolled his eyes, "That is a serious problem."

"I'm not a cutter, Ryuuzaki," Raito spat, still refusing to look at the older man, "I was angry, so I punched something. I didn't so it because…for any other reason."

"You mean, because you were raped?"

"Shut up," Raito hissed, his eyes finally darting to L, "It is not yours to talk about, you bastard. If you 'like' me so much, then respect me enough to stop talking about it."

L paused, and Raito looked up at the ceiling again.

"You say that like you don't believe that my feelings for you are real," L stated monotonously, staring at Raito as intently as the other man stared away from him.

"I have not doubt that your feelings are real, Ryuuzaki," Raito replied, "But what those feelings are, I have no clue. It is your word that I distrust, Ryuuzaki, not your feelings."

"Ah, I see," L nodded, "You believe I am lying to you, to –what? I do not see what I could gain to tell such a lie. Before, when you were chained to me, perhaps I would have, to get you to let down your guard and tell me you were Kira. But now I know for sure that you are."

"To screw with me," Raito said simply, "I hate you, you hate me, you want me to trust you, to love you –so you can have control of Kira. It's a childish yearn for domination and I refuse to play."

"You may be right about the domination," L conceded, "But that doesn't mean that I do not have feelings for you."

Raito scowled deeply, "If this is a choice between a conversation about my apparently 'masochistic tendencies' and your false claims of infatuation, then I would rather we talk about the first. Or perhaps, the third option, consisting of sewing your lips shut."

"That's not polite, Raito-kun," L stated.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did you actually think that act I was putting on for the last month was real?" he sniffed, tapping his fingers lazily against his stomach , "Would you rather me go back to sweet 'good mornings' and 'good nights' and only talking about the case?"

"No, I don't think I would," L answered honestly and Raito nodded.

"I didn't think so," Raito said, "Now, if you don't mind, Ryuuzaki, I really don't want to talk to you right now –"

"No, I want to talk about this, Raito-kun," L interrupted, "You're hand is cut is twenty different places because you were angry. Think about what else could happen to you if this isn't resolved."

"Please," Raito scoffed, "Drop the sensitivity act, will you? I'm better at it than you."

"I agree," L replied, "Your acting skills are better than my actual attempts at conveying emotions, but that is beside the point."

"What is the point, Ryuuzaki?"

"I want you to talk to me."

"No, you don't, and neither do I. You think you want me to talk, to make me 'heal'. What do you expect me to do, L? Tell you the entire story and cry into your shoulder?"

"No," L answered, "I expect you to refuse to tell me anything, when clearly something is wrong. I expect you to pretend like everything is just fine."

"Because it is."

"No, it isn't."

"How the hell do you know?"

"Because it cannot be okay," L told him firmly, "I thought it could be. But I was obviously wrong. I want you to be okay again, Raito-kun."

"I'm fine," Raito snapped, turning onto his side, facing away from L, "I perfectly fucking fine."

"No, you're not."

Raito whipped around and grabbed L's face harshly and pulled him into a rough kiss, shoving his tongue into the detective's mouth. L placed his hands on Raito's shoulders and pushed, but Raito merely dug his fingernails into L's neck and head and shoved his tongue further down the other man's throat. Finally L managed to shove Raito away, and wiped his mouth to get rid of the saliva on his lips and looked at Raito, who was glowering.

"See?" Raito slid off the bed elegantly and crossed his arms. "I'm fine. I can even kiss people without a thought."

"Just like always," L retorted, and Raito just smirked.

"Just like always."

He started out of the room, muttering under his breath, "I'm taking another shower."

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Raito growled under the cold water, waiting for his erection to go down, when once again he failed to climax. It was obvious why he'd only come the second time he'd tried. The first time he'd been too nervous. The second time he knew what to expect and was strong enough to pull through it. Every time after that, while no longer nervous, his will power had been used up and he couldn't keep going, moving his own hand along himself until a tight ball of pleasure exploded himself until he felt completely and utterly out of control.

Something he couldn't willingly enforce on himself. He felt like he was going insane.

So he left the shower finally, dressed in the normal drab attire and went to the kitchen to grab himself something to eat. Watari had not shown up since he was in the medical room, in that bed, at least this time not strapped down. He was glad for that; the old man was annoying. An older, uglier, les smart version of L. And not to mention the reason his hand was torn up, the old bastard.

Raito went to sit down in the living room after he was done eating, and grabbed his laptop and opened it up, turning it on and seeing that he had a case file inside.

It was something to take his mind of his failure.

Hours later, he emailed the case back to L, solved. The detective had not left the room, since he'd kissed him, but he supposed it was his turn to lock himself inside it. Raito had been doing it enough, for sure.

And suddenly, a hand clamped down on his shoulder tightly.

"No." Cold.Pain."Aaaah!"

Raito yanked away from the hand, falling from his chair and onto the floor, rolling over to look at his attacker.

It was L, standing there with one hand in his pocket, and the other reached out, just where he'd touched Raito's shoulder. Raito's heart was beating a mile a minute, yet he wasn't breathing, no longer terrified, but angry that he'd been terrified in the first place. L bent down and said innocently.

"You have a flashback and half a seizure whenever anyone touch you unexpectedly," L cocked his head to the side and held out his hand for Raito to take, "Just like always?"

Raito took L's hand…and pulled him down and then elbowed L in the back of the neck. L let out a grunt of pain as his chin hit the ground rather painfully, and Raito was gone before he could react.

Bastard, they both thought unanimously.

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L had found that this was very difficult. Raito was perhaps more stubborn than he was, and he was never one to give up, even when everyone doubted him. One example of that was the Kira case and when all evidence pointed to anyone but Raito, and L had just known it was him. Perhaps because all the evidence pointed to anyone but him, because chances were that most people were a bit suspicious. There were even some facts that had pointed to L himself being Kira, and he'd actually briefly considered it before tossing it to the side because it was just ludicrous.

He was actually still a bit miffed that Raito had taken away his glory by confessing.

And yet…

He loved kissing him. He'd sat in the bedroom for a why, merely thinking about that kiss Raito had given him and how entirely it had overcome him, lighting his nerves on fire and making him want to do simply wicked things to Raito. That tongue, those hands, those lips…god, he wanted to touch him. But he couldn't. There was a glad wall between them, created by Akitoshi, that made Raito be able to look but not touch. Because Raito didn't want to, and even if he said he did, he probably didn't, and the last time he'd tried it hadn't turned out well.

Raito had actually had a flashback because of the way L had touch him. But a part of L, a horribly selfish part, wanted to forgo all the stupid little flaws and just jump Raito. To kiss him again, to taste the soft lips that were not sweet like cake but appealing nonetheless, to feel his tongue against his and –for the love of –

L banged his head against the wall and mussed up his hair, closing his eyes and groaned. He rubbed his neck were Raito had elbowed him and wiggled his toes without thinking. He was a thinker, but he needed to talk about this, because he was out of ideas. He hopped off the couch and started up the stairs to the second floor of the building, entering in the code to get up there, and then closed the large door behind him and walked across the hall to the electronics room, where they kept the cameras, bugs and many other things. Usually, no one was in there, but sure enough Watari was, already hacked into L's computer, watching the living room.

"You knew I was coming up," L stated, and Watari turned around in the swivel chair to look at him.

"I knew you wanted to talk."

"How?"

"After that….display, you where thinking," Watari told him, "And then you came up here. Why else would you come up here while still thinking about a problem?"

"I was just wondering if that item you had specially made was done yet?" L evaded.

Watari raised his eyebrow, "It should be done in a week or so. But that's not why you came in here."

"No," L replied, pulling up another computer chair, scratching his foot, and then sitting down, "You are correct, I have a crucial dilemma."

"Raito-kun," Watari nodded, "I am interested in your relationship with him. You refused to tell me what it was when you were saving his life, and then just weeks ago I see you two in a rather…intimate position. And now, just a few hours ago in fact, he kissed you yet again."

"You are not disgusted," L said. It was not a question; he would have been able to tell if Watari was repulsed. The man was an easy read for him, who'd known him for two decades.

Watari waved his hand in the air dismissively, "No, no. You think because he is a male I would be adverse?"

"I think because he is who he is, you would be adverse," L returned.

"You are correct," Watari answered, sighing, "I have already shared with you my thoughts on that. I believe you decided they were of no consequence then."

"I did."

"So, there is no difference now," Watari shrugged, "You are independent, L, I cannot influence you. I must admit, though, that his… predicament does cause me to be more sympathetic."

"He would hate to hear you say that," L pointed out.

"I'm sure he would," Watari agreed with a small smile, "Raito-kun is a very proud person. It's why he keeps to himself, his emotions about his rape."

"His pride is a problem, it's just in the way," L scoffed, "I have no need for it."

"Forgive me, L, but I'm afraid it won't go away just because you have no need for him," Watari told L simply, looking at his charge meaningfully, "You must learn that. Your feelings are not all that matter, L."

"I'm trying to listen to his feelings," L pouted, frustrated, "He won't talk to me."

"Would you?" Watari shot back.

L shook his head, perplexed by the question, "What?"

"Think about this, L; you have the most painfully humiliating experience of your life," Watari continued, "Would you share every detail and your deepest feelings on the event with someone who took away your freedom, who you possibly consider your enemy and may even hold an attraction for?"

"You really think he's attracted to me?"

"L," Watari narrowed his eyes, his tone warning.

"Right, my apologies," L nodded, scratching his head, "No. I suppose I would not. But how am I supposed to…without getting him to talk? That's what everything I've read says cures everything."

"Human beings, especially humans like Yagami Raito, do not follow the usual pattern, as I'm sure you've noticed," Watari pointed out, "It's probably one of the reasons you are so…captivated…"

"Yes, it probably is," L admitted, and frowned, "I and not complaining about his uniqueness, but at the same time I believe it is hindering his recuperation."

"He is Kira, and therefore had to have a very high opinion of himself, thinking he was a God of sorts, to rid the world of bad people," Watari told him, "He probably feels like he'd not good enough to be 'god' anymore."

"He's not a god," L rolled his large black eyes.

"I know that, and you know that, but the Raito before he was raped didn't," Watari informed L easily, "He was practically a narcissist, L. He thought he was above everyone. And when he was raped it was all ripped away from him, which probably affects him more than a normal person."

"Well, then, what do I do?"

"What do you want to do?"

"The answer to that question is inappropriate," L stated, and it made Watari cringe, "The reason I came to you was so that I can stop myself from doing what I want to do to him. Because it is not possible without him healing or if he doesn't want it at all."

"L, I don' think that he likes you," Watari said, and it made L's lips twist against the thumb he was nibbling on, "I think, though, that he cannot possibly not feel anything for you. While it might not be the same attraction you feel towards him, I do believe that you are something to him. Which means there's hope."

"Hm," L bit down on his thumb, "I suppose so. He did kiss me this morning…but I think it was more out of spite than attraction."

"But, he can kiss you, has kissed you," Watari said, "And it doesn't disgust him, and if I may say so, he seemed to enjoy it at least a little bit."

"Maybe you're right," L sighed, running his free hand through his hair, ruffling it up more than it usually was, "I will confront him about it."

"That may be a start," Watari nodded, "L, you are always so impatient. Things like this take time."

L didn't look happy about it, but nodded, "I know. Thank you for your time, Watari. And please stop spying or you may see more than you bargained for."

L hopped out of his chair.

"I do believe that I already have," Watari replied, bushy white eyebrows raising high on his wrinkled forehead, "It is fine, you know. I'm here whenever you need to talk."

L started to toward the door, but stopped when he got to it, opening the door but looking back.

"You are wrong about one thing," L stated, looking at Watari over his shoulder, "If I were really so independent, I wouldn't have faked his death to save him. I would have had him killed like I said I would when I took the Kira case."

"L..." Watari started.

"No, it's true," L interrupted, "It was unprofessional and not objective. But I think…."

He scratched his left foot with the right and slouched further.

"…I think its okay," he continued, "Or at least, it will be."

He walked out the door, and wondered when he'd become so damn optimistic.

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It was a week until L really took Watari's advice.

Said week passed on as normal, both of them working on cases together and getting into arguments. Fighting with Raito wasn't something that L enjoyed per se, but he liked it much better than not fighting, which would lead to another month of 'fake Raito' and L would rather shove his own hand through glass before that. Raito sneered at him, as always, and glared at him out of the corner of his eye when he thought L wasn't looking. He apparently didn't like getting his words thrown back in his face.

L didn't either, he could relate, but he had been making a point at the time. Raito hadn't liked being told he wasn't ready. And perhaps Raito was ready, and L had made a miscalculation on that front. But even if Raito was ready, L wasn't ready to take a chance that he was not.

Raito, of course, was royally pissed at the detective. He hated the way he sat in his chair next to him, so damn apathetic to everything that he'd done to him. It was irritating! Raito constantly wanted to punch him in the face; who was L to tell him those things? He had no idea was Raito felt like. Only L would be so arrogant as to think that he could tell Raito what he was feeling! It made Raito's bones tingle with rage at the thought.

Each shower he attempted to get passed the climbing fear in his gut at any intimate or unplanned touch, every time he touched himself and tried, really, really tried to make it work. Every shower he thought 'This time' but every shower, he kept coming up short.

Every shower he reached for the cold water again.

His increasing frustration was probably adding to his anger with L, but Raito didn't dwell on that. All of the fury directed at L was rightly deserved. He was cold-hearted, lying, vindictive bastard. Did he mention lying? Who the hell lied about caring about someone unless there was something to gain? Raito could see what L could gain; Raito's sanity. Maybe he just wished to annoy him with false claims of love. At the same time, that didn't seem like L at all, and Raito knew L. He did things for reasons, good reasons, not just to be annoying, even if that was a side benefit.

The cases were rather easy, although there was one they were currently working on about a serial killer in New York, America, who had apparently been saving his cruel murder spree for Kira's departure all that time. But it would be solved in no time, they both knew. All cases, in comparison to the Kira case, would be bland. At least for L; Raito of course had known he was Kira, most of the time, anyway.

Late one night at the end of the week, when Raito had gone to take another shower, L was going over the case, and noticed something. The killer was a woman. There had been a few pictures, of a tall, overweight person with a baseball cap and baggy clothing, but the criminal psychologist had give the usual profile; Male, Caucasian, thirty to forty years old, maybe has a military background and definitely hates his mom.

L noticed it in a new picture, just send to him by the NYPD when he zoomed in on the hand. It seemed obvious, now, and he had to tell Raito soon.

But an hour passed, and L became antsy, checking the time on the bottom right hand of the computer screen every few minutes. Then another hour passed, and L finally stood up and decided to go knock on the door to the bathroom to tell Raito to hurry up. He would call that cool sensation wrapping around his midsection worry; more like apprehension.

He knocked, and got no answer, and didn't bother knocking again for some reason, before opening the door and going in, to make sure Raito hadn't drowned himself, or something equally morbid.

Raito was sitting in the shower, the water going down over him in thousands of tiny little beads, soaking his hair and running down hid shoulders and back like a waterfall. L pulled back the curtains, and felt the water; it was freezing. He winced slightly and turned it off, leaving Raito shivering on the bottom of the tub. He still hadn't moved except for the quivering from the cold, not even to yell of L for barging in on him.

"Raito-kun?" L started, hunching over further to look at Raito's face. Raito looked at the opposite wall intensely.

"Go away," Raito ordered, shifting slightly, and L watched the muscles in his back ripple with the motion.

"Raito-kun," L said again, "I made a breakthrough on the case. Please return to the living room with me."

"Not yet," Raito said, hugging his knees to his chest firmly, arms wrapped around his legs tightly, as though afraid L would rip them away from him. "I'm not done."

"The water's cold," L pointed out.

"That's the point," Raito snapped.

L shook his head and grabbed Raito's wrist, pulling upward, "I won't stand for such foolish things, Raito-kun, we're in Greenland, you could get Hypothermia. It's a stupid thing to do."

"I'm not going outside," Raito snarled, pulling back his arm. L held firmly onto his wrist (the hand that was not bandaged) and continued to try and get Raito to stand up.

"I will not look, if that is the problem." L turned his head toward the ceiling as if to say 'see?' and then added, "Although, of course, it is nothing I haven't seen before."

"I think not," Raito hissed, trying to yank his arm away to no avail, "L, I'm not going to stand up! Just leave, I'll be out in ten minutes."

"I don't believe you," L replied, giving one last hard tug to Raito's wrist and pulling him up into a standing position.

"Ryuuzaki!!" Raito growled, and he was forcefully pulled from the bathtub. L kept his hold on Raito's wrist vice like, and his eyes on the ceiling, as promised.

"There, you see, Raito-kun, was that so hard?"

"Interesting that you should phrase it like that," Raito sneered, grabbing and towel and throwing it around his waist, pulling his hand out of L's grip. L looked at Raito now, and felt a slight burning in his cheeks, but luckily was able to keep down his blush, when he saw a tent in the fuzzy white material. "Yeah. Thanks so much for pulling me out of there, Ryuuzaki."

"This is why…" L began, brow furrowing, "Why the shower was on cold?"

"Obviously," Raito ground out, "Now, can you –"

"Why not just…take care of it?" L inquired, raising an eyebrow under an onyx wall of bangs. He was delighted and amused to see Raito flush. Although in embarrassment or anger, L wasn't entirely sure.

"None of your business!" Raito said, perhaps a bit too loudly.

"Is it another…?" L started, and Raito attempted to push passed him, forgetting his folded clothing on the counter and trying for the bedroom. He could always get another outfit in there, "Raito-kun…"

L followed him down the hall.

"Raito-kun, is it another setback to do with the rape?" L asked, following Raito into their room, and heard the frustration in a low noise from Raito's mouth that was something between a grunt and a growl.

"God, shut up!"

"Well, is it?" L asked, stopping the door as Raito almost shut it in his face, "Are you unable to even touch yourself without thinking of him?"

"Shut up!" Raito spun around on L, "It is any of you business, Ryuuzaki. Maybe I just don't want to do it, ever think of that?"

"Briefly," L dismissed, "Raito-kun, have you even tried? If not, perhaps you should –"

"Of course I've bloody well tried!" Raito spat venomously, "Of course! Do you think I seriously would just give up on my plan, just because you didn't agree?"

"I –"

"I'm not dependant on you," Raito told L, eyes narrow, wet hair plastered again his forehead. His entire body that was not covered by the towel glistened with the water that glazed it. "I took a different road."

"That's fine," L answered, "But if that's true, and you turned to masturbation, then why didn't you do it this time if it is the way you are trying to heal?"

L stepped forward and touched Raito arm.

"Because you can't…" L trailed off, looking Raito in the eyes, and the young man's silence was enough to confirm it. His eyes were near slits. "Would you…like me to try, Raito-kun?"

Surprise briefly flitted across Raito's face before he smirked mockingly.

"I thought you said 'I wasn't ready'," Raito jeered, running a hand through his damp hair.

"I'm not going to have intercourse with you," L told him, "I'm just going to assist you. Friends help friends, correct?"

Raito snorted, "I'd hardly call us –"

He was cut off went L's hand grabbed a fistful of his towel, his still standing erection included. His breath hitched and his former words were lost as the hand tightened around him through the towel.

"Hm," L cocked his head to the side, intrigued by the reaction he'd caused. He felt Raito's hands falling to L's shoulders. "Does Raito-kun wish for my help? He asked for it before, and I could not do it with a clean conscience, but this…"

"This is different?" Raito breathed, his voice deeper as Ryuuzaki's hand squeezed. His bottom was pressed against the bed now, and L was standing very close. Well, all that time ago, he had told him to 'fuck him', hadn't he? And L hadn't. So, technically, L owed him.

L, of course, wasn't sure what had possessed him to step forward and touch Raito like that. Of course, he supposed at some point Raito had hypnotized him or something of the like. He never lost himself so much as when he was in Raito's presence, and he thought that the fact that Raito was practically naked might have contributed to the daze…

L let go and stepped back, "I apolo –"

Raito grabbed the scruff of L's shirt and pulled him in, kissing him roughly on the mouth and tugging his body against' his. L groaned involuntarily as Raito plastered his body against his own, their hips aligning in the loveliest way. L could feel Raito hard against him, and instinctively leaned into Raito's long, lean body more, sliding a thigh in between Raito's legs and settling one hand on the small of Raito's back and the other on the bed to support his heavy inclination.

L pulled back, breathing hard. "Raito-kun –"

"Shut up, L," Raito exhaled slowly, evening out his breath, "And finish what you started this time."

L hesitated and Raito frowned, digging his fingers into the white, cotton fabric of L's shirt.

"Or, let me back in the shower."

L detested the idea of those showers Raito took. They suggested that Raito was dirty; it implied that Akitoshi had soiled him. As if Raito could possibly be impure.

Anger, that was what L felt rushing through his body, a waterfall of fury in his stomach. He would not allow such a thing to happen; it was just so wrong. It was almost depraved, and L hated it. Raito wasn't dirty, and L had to show him that. He had to educate Raito, because obviously the damned boy just wasn't getting it.

So again, L kissed him, holding onto only Raito's face this time, not too hard, and kissed him just forceful enough to be demanding but not enough to scare the younger man off. He gently pushed Raito down until he was lying down the bed, and L was hovering over him. He pulled his lips away after a minute or so, and Raito opened his creamy brown eyes, raising an eyebrow to say 'well?'.

"I think it would be best, Raito-kun," L stated softly, licking his lips and peering deeply into Raito's still slightly damp face, "If you kept your eyes open during this."

"What?" Raito's brow creased slightly with perplexity, "Why?"

"That way," L answered, slipping his hand past the fluffy white obstacle of the towel and underneath to smooth, slick skin, "You'll know it's me."

Raito's eyes widened almost indiscernibly, although L couldn't tell if it was from surprise or his fingers wrapping firmly around his shaft.

L had never done this before, not to another man. His previous sexual encounters had been bland, consisting of only the needed action of intercourse, with no foreplay involved. There was very little kissing. Raito and L's interactions seem to be quite the opposite, and L found that he wasn't altogether unpleased with the kisses. As he began moving his fingers, he kept what Watari had told him in mind. These things take time. L had to remind himself of that.

Although, L was fairly certain Watari hadn't meant this when he'd said 'confront him'.

Raito was lying under L, his hands on the body shoulders, his legs from the knees down hanging over the edge of the bed. L was bent over him, knees on the bed just below Raito's hips, on either side of his thighs, one hand supporting him near Raito's head, and the other firmly stroking him.

Sparks of pleasure started building up in Raito's abdomen, and gradually his fingers began tightening on L's shoulders. L's fingers sped up, rubbing from the base and up, and over and over again, until the muscles in Raito's legs began tightening, and he bent his leg to accommodate the constricting muscles, which in turn granted L better access to the area in between his legs.

It felt good –well damn it, of course it felt good. Raito chastised himself briefly, when he could think about something other than the hand moving against him, it always felt good. It had absolutely nothing to do with it being L doing this to him.

He kept his eyes open, and gazed up at L, who was impossible not to look at. And L looked back, peering down at Raito and watching him. Raito couldn't help but think L had only told him to keep his eyes open, not to help him, but because he was just a perverted voyeur.

And L couldn't help but watch.

It was fairly enchanting, every parting of the lips that was triggered by a rather hard caress, every tilt of the hips to get closer to his hand, every droplet of sweat that formed on that brow, replacing the water. L enjoyed observing each movement that Raito made when he touched him just right.

There was lightning in Raito's eyes when he ran his thumb over the tip solidly.

L felt a slightly jerking of Raito's hips toward him and gave a small, tiny smirk at the action. He was determined to make it happen again, and so repeated the action, harder this time, pressed firmly on the slit. Against Raito's hips lifted in response and his fingernails dug into L's arm through his shirt.

The pleasure soon morphed into more than just sparks, and into full blown waves that made Raito bruise L with his grip. L actually figured out rather quickly that it was more fun to hold down Raito's hips and watch the frustration in Raito's orbs as he attempted to arch into the touch without reaching his goal. He held Raito to the bed with one knee, which would probably leave a bruise, but the boy below him didn't seem to mind and therefore neither did L.

He was merely happy that Raito hadn't suffered a flashback; keeping his eyes opened did help apparently. Not only was it a plus for Raito, not going into a catatonic state and remembering the horrid event, and for L, who got to see each movement and each little brow furrow. And eventually, when he increased the speed of his strokes significantly, Raito's eyes shut, and L immediately stopped.

"The fuck -?" Raito's eyes snapped back open, his breath labored and his voice husky with arousal.

"Keep your eyes open," L stated steadfastly, large black eyes peering into Raito's half hooded eyes that glared up at him with hate and lust, mixed together in a rather enticing combination.

What if I cant, Raito wanted to retort, but of course, didn't. That would be an admission of loss of control, something he just wouldn't ever do, especially to L. Especially when it was because of L.

"Fine," Raito gritted his teeth, and the ministration began again, faster than before even, and his breath was forcibly taken away from his lungs.

L quickened his motions and felt Raito spasm involuntarily under the rapid pumping, and Raito once again felt –along with an abundant about of pleasure –the increasing dread of that loss of control. Already his bodily functions were switching from his power to L's, unable to stop from rolling his hips up into that hand or throwing his head to the side and gasping for breath when the bliss began to suffocate him.

Raito's world narrowed down to two identical obsidian eyes burning into his, and a hand bringing him closer and closer to the brink of something. A something that he'd been to before, but not really, something that made his digits tighten around L's shoulders even more. He felt like he was drowning in the sensation, the ambiance around him thick with sweat, heavy breaths and desire.

The feelings –the touches –they were so intoxicating. Too much so; Raito could feel himself being defeated, as his body twitched and stiffened and jerked under the attention to his manhood, and he felt like he was loosing himself again, but his eyes were open and it was definitely L doing this to him, and that comforted him for some reason. He still couldn't do this –it wasn't possible. It was the same thing that had stopped him all those other times, only this time he had no flashback to hide behind.

"Stop," Raito gasped, clawing at L's shirt, arms, shoulders, anything he could reach. His legs kicked nearly against his will, when L merely looked at him questioningly instead of halting, "I'm ah–I'm going to – to -"

L leaned down, brushing his lips against Raito's cheek on the way to his ear. His hot breath tickled Raito's lobe.

"That's the point," L whispered, and then pulled back, once against picking up the pace, still holding down Raito's hips with his knee. He was entranced as Raito scratch at him, attempting desperately to hold onto something that was real and solid while the rest of himself, mind included, threatened to slip into a white-hot imaginary heaven.

"No –you don't –under –" Raito ground his teeth and arched his back almost entirely off the couch. His eyes threatened to close again, but his mind wasn't working well enough to realize that by closing them, he would get result he was asking for, "I'm going to –I'm going to go insane -!"

Raito bent his knees and kicked at L's thighs, twisting all the while, although he wasn't sure if he was attempting to get away from the touch like his words suggested, or closer to it.

L just fisted the blanket just next to Raito's head and went faster still, moving his hand, pinching and stroking and rubbing and spreading the pre-come over the tip until –

-the hands on his shoulders tensed painfully, nails breaking the skin through his shirt, moist hair clung to his face, his mouth parted, his eyes widened, neck stretched out and the most arousing sound escaped Raito's throat as his body seized with his climax.

The world around him exploded into scorching nothingness, light bursting in front of his eyes as a brutally strong wave of ecstasy ripped through him. L felt the same sensation, currents of rapture clutched at the most sensitive parts of his body, as he came with only the sight of Raito's pleasure.

Soon, they were both left there, sweaty bodies lying together, breath ragged, one clothed and one not. Raito swept a hand across his forehead and then looked up at L with hard eyes.

"Get up," Raito commanded, face flushed as he propped himself up on one elbow and pushed on L so that the older man rolled over to lie next to him instead of on top of him.

"Ah, so Raito-kun is still sane enough to not want me on top of him," L frowned and tilted head, "How unfortunate."

Raito rolled his eyes and sat up, using the towel to wipe himself off. He peered at L's soiled pants and his nose wrinkled in disgust. He got up and went to the closet, hiding himself in there until he was fully clothed, before walking back out and picking up the grubby towel and throwing it in the trash bin.

"Raito-kun ruins the mood with his cleaning," L stated innocently, leaning back on the bed and watching Raito upside down as his head hung over the edge.

"If I didn't do it I'd have to sit in my own bodily fluids all day, no doubt," Raito sniffed, crossing his arms and looking at L, "And there was no 'mood', L. It was just a hand job."

"I believe there was a mood," L disagreed simply. "And I also believe that Raito-kun ruined it."

"Well, I apologize for ruining the mood that wasn't there to begin with," Raito said sarcastically, "Now, I appreciate your…assistance…but I hope you don't think this will ever happen again…that I enjoyed it…"

L sat up and turned to face Raito, "Uh oh." He said sadly, "Raito-kun is going through the denial stage, I think."

"What am I supposed to say to that?" Raito asked, eyes narrow, "'No I'm not!'? Therein denying that I'm in denial and proving that I am?"

"That would be much too agreeable for Raito-kun."

"Look, L, as I said, I appreciate your help. Thank you," Raito ground out, his face still slightly pink, L noticed, and decided to look at his cheeks instead of his eyes, which were still rather cruel at the moment, "I think you've helped me a great deal, now. But it meant nothing to me."

"It meant something to me," L admitted bluntly, meeting Raito's eyes now, when he said those words, "Raito-kun means something to me."

"Well, I'm sorry," Raito said, shifting, "But you mean nothing to me."

L nodded, sighed, and stood up.

"I am going to take a shower and get a change of clothes, Raito-kun," L told Raito easily, "Hopefully, by the time I am out, Raito-kun will have stopped lying to himself."

Raito opened his mouth to respond angrily, but L was already out the door.

He tightened his crossed arms, irritated, and sat down on the bed. God, that was just like that bastard! To say he was in denial, to say they he cared about him when he obviously didn't. He'd merely enjoyed that…activity because of what it was. He would have felt the same were it Misa or –okay, Raito grimaced and reconsidered. Not Misa; Takada perhaps -? No, not her either. The point was, it wasn't L causing that pleasure, it was the hormones that were raging in his body during his teenage years.

It had to be.

At the same time…he could think of no one else that he would allow to do that to him. To see him like –in that –with his –no, no, no. No one could see that side of him. And yet L had, even more than once, and he'd kissed him, and Raito had kissed back. He couldn't say he liked Ryuuzaki, not one bit. He was a freak, and L, and he was vehemently against his way of justice. However, he wasn't Kira anymore, and therefore had no obligation to hate L so, which was why he'd started loathing him in the first place…

As much as he wanted to say it wasn't true, L was right. L didn't mean nothing to him, and it was more than slightly infuriating. He meant something to him, even if it was just to be the object of his fixated odium. He still meant something.

Which was more than he could say for anyone else.

-

-

-

L hated having his hair wet.

It was long and when recently cleaned, silky, and hung down to his showers in the creepiest way. In short, it made him look like a bloody girl, so he always waited until it was almost completely dry, and back to it normal position standing up in clumps of messiness, to actually leave the bathroom. Thankfully he was blessed with quick drying hair, and so it only took about fifteen minutes for it to return to its usual disarray.

He stepped out the bathroom, refreshed, and walked into the living room. He wasn't avoiding Raito, but giving him the space he obviously needed. He sat down at his desk, bringing his knees up to his chest and his thumb up to his mouth, before remembering that the thing he'd meant to go do, namely tell Raito the murderer was a woman, had been completely forgone in the face of their sexual exploit.

For some reason, L wasn't all that disappointed.

For the next hour or so, he worked on the case, nibbling on chocolate cake and sipping on tea, until finally Raito came in to the living room and settled in the seat beside him to help work on the case.

"Find out anything new?" Raito inquired, and L almost smiled in amusement at Raito's attempts to be nonchalant, as if the entire escapade had never happened. L decided to humor him a bit, for the sake of the case.

"Yes, I recently discovered that the killer is a woman," L replied, and Raito blinked.

"A woman is killing woman?" Raito frowned, "That screws all the profiles. Now she could be killing those woman not because she was seeing them, and instead because she thinks their bad role models for girls, or maybe she knew them and –"

"Or, perhaps she was dating them," L pointed out, and Raito glanced at him.

"It is…possible."

"Lesbianism isn't that uncommon," L told Raito, who shrugged.

"Fine, we won't cross that off the list," Raito replied blandly, "But I'm just say there are a few more options that we have to think about because of this, and a few we have to discard as well."

"Hm," L nodded, and then snatched out his hand quite quickly and grabbed Raito's injured hand, Raito giving an involuntary yelp of discomfort, "How is your hand? Does it hurt?"

"It didn't before you grabbed it!" Raito snapped, jerking his hand back to him, and cradling it to his chest protectively, "What's your problem?"

"I am merely concerned."

"Sure," Raito snorted, "You weren't so concerned about my hand when your were pinning me to the –"

"L! Yagami-kun!" Watari said loudly as he entered the room, not wanting to walk in on any crude conversations, as he strolled in with a box.

"Ah –is that it?" L inquired, spinning his chair around enthusiastically toward the old man.

Watari nodded, "It is, a white gold watch, from our very own jewelry maker. She really did a number on this piece, it's a beauty, L. I can barely even see the…special requirements."

"Oh?" L held out his hands, and Watari, nodded to Raito briefly before walking from the room, leaving them alone together again, and L opened the box and gave a small smile.

The watch was perfect. A white gold silvery color, a men's watch, and Raito's perfect size. There were jewels surrounding the face, and the band was elegant and stylish. It was Raito's style too.

"That doesn't look like something you would where," Raito said suspiciously, and L shook his head, taking the watch out and throwing the box on the floor absently.

"No, but it does look like something you would where."

"Wow, L, your easy to win," Raito snorted, "Go smidge farther than second base with you and you buy a ridiculously expensive gift hours later."

"I ordered this almost two weeks ago," L replied, reaching out for Raito's wrist. Raito crossed his arms, refusing the gesture for his hand.

"What if I don't want it?"

"I apologize, Raito-kun," L commented easily, "If I let you think that I was giving you a choice in the matter."

Raito's eyes narrowed, "I see. The 'special requirements'…what is it, a tracking device?"

"No," L answered, "While it will alert me if you take it off, that is not it's purpose. You see, Raito-kun, I remember a rule from the Death Note, that says you will loose ownership, and therefore loose your memories if you do not touch it within 490 days. Ingrained in this watch are tiny slivers of the Death Note paper –much too small to write on, so don't dream of trying –and according to Watari, you can't really tell where they are anyways."

"You put pieces of the Death Note in a watch, so that I wouldn't loose my memories," Raito summarized, and L nodded in turn. Raito was thankful, not wanting to loose consciousness of being Kira, but he would not say 'thank you' twice and one day to the detective, " It's probably on the inside of the band so that it will constantly touch my skin."

"Probably," L agreed.

"Fine, hand it over," Raito held out his uninjured hand but L merely stared at it. Raito glared, "What, you want to put it on me?"

L nodded.

Raito continued to glower scathingly at Ryuuzaki, "Does it matter?"

"I would like to put it on you," L replied, blinking slowly at Raito, until Raito turned his hand over so that his palm faced the floor and allowed his hand to go limp. L smirked slightly, and grabbed Raito's hand, setting the watch onto it and clasping it shut.

"Happy?" Raito asked, frowning and taking his hand back.

"Very much so," L replied, "What would make me happier would be Raito-kun being out of denial. I think that would be a very good present for me."

"Why should I give you a present?"

"I just gave you one."

"You forced one onto me, you mean," Raito rolled his eyes, "I'm not giving you a present, and I'm not lying to myself about liking you."

Raito turned in his seat to face the computer.

"However, I did think about what you said," Raito looked up at the ceiling, "And you're right. You do not mean nothing to me, Ryuuzaki. However that does not –"

Lips pressed onto Raito's cheek, stopping his sentence.

"L! I'm trying to tell you something!" Raito chastised, glancing at the annoying man sharply.

"So I may kiss Raito-kun when he is not telling me something?" L asked, and his tone was innocent but his eyes were mischievous.

"How about you kiss me, and I punch you?" Raito snarled.

L cocked his head to the side and considered it, "It's worth it," he stated and then leaned forward to attempt to kiss Raito, on the mouth this time.

Raito caught L's face, exasperated.

"As I was saying, you are not nothing, however," Raito's eyes pierced L as he looked at the young man's face through Raito's fingers. "That doesn't mean I like you."

"But you like when I kiss you," L's voice was muffled through Raito's palm, "You like it when I touch you."

"That was just hormones!" Raito scowled, speaking loudly and letting go of L's face, and looking away. He folded he arms across his chest yet again, and L spoke.

"I feel bad for hormones," L sighed sadly, "They are blamed for so many things that are not their fault."

Raito's head whisked back toward L angrily.

"Ryuzaki -!"

"I understand, Raito-kun, that you have been effected by a traumatic event that had let you damaged. You do not want to engage in a serious relationship, especially with a man," L said, eyebrows furrowed as he bit down on his thumb hard, "That is fine with me. I know that…these things take time. However, that does not mean that you can lie about the reason. If Watari were to come in here, hypothetically, and do what I did to you, would you react positively?"

Raito cringed.

"What about with Misa Amane?"

Grimace.

"Takada Kiyomi?"

Frown.

"Matsuda-san?"

Raito just stared straight ahead and asked, "What does this have to do with anything, Ryuuzaki? It doesn't mean that I'm in love with you because I don't want to have want to have sex with Matsuda."

"No, Raito-kun, not love," L agreed, "But you are attracted to me. My point it, Raito-kun, that if you do not wish to be with me in a romantic sense because you are afraid, tell me that. Do not lie to me about your attraction."

"You don't –" Raito started to spit furiously.

"-Understand?" L inquired, "I do. You don't admit fear, because fear is a weakness to you. Fear is a weakness, I agree, but overcoming fear makes you stronger than not having any fear at all."

"God," Raito growled, "You are so corny."

L frowned, "Raito-kun, do I have to repeat -?"

"Shut up," Raito spat, grabbing's the collar of L's shirt for the second time that day and pulling back his arm as though to punch him, "How many times to I have to tell you to just –just shut up!?"

Before L could even process that it was a kiss, Raito's tongue was in his mouth and he was holding his head in the most uncomfortable way, just to spite him. L kissed back forcefully, twisting his tongue in with Raito until their mouths overlapped and intertwined. L put both hands on Raito's back and fell fro his chair, kneeling on the floor in front of Raito and stretched upward to kiss the boy that was still contentedly in his chair.

It didn't take long for L to give Raito out of his chair as well, and they were both on the floor. L was on top of Raito at first, but then Raito flipped them over and pinned L to the carpet. L slipped a leg between Raito's legs, twisted it in a strange way that only he could, making Raito help in pain and letting L overpower him until he was one again pushed onto his back. They both kept their eyes open through the grueling kisses, which was also a sort of vicious wrestling match simultaneously.

In the electronic room, Watari closed his computer and sighed deeply, massaging the bridge of his nose.

He should have listened to L when he said not to spy anymore.

-

-

-

L sat in a chair next to the couch, where Raito was sleeping. He had papers covering him, and his laptop was still perched on his lap, open, and its glow reverberated off Raito's smooth face. He thought about Raito, and the present, and everything that had happened to bring Raito the present. Raito could heal, with time; time he really shouldn't of had anyway, had the justice system gotten it's way.

L had broken the law. He'd known it was wrong, but did it anyways, for his friend, the boy who, more than anyone was so entirely equal to him. He'd been Kira, he'd been killing people, and still L had saved him. It reminded him of words he'd written a long time ago, and now it was just a novel of his life. But it wasn't a story, it was really to him, and Raito and to both of them, it was not just a book.

Raito had been wrong to be Kira. But L had been wrong to help him. But L had only been trying to save his friend –or, more than friend –so it was okay, right? But then one could argue that Raito was only trying to save the world.

Even if his motives were right, were his actions enough to validate it? L thought, quoting his own words from quite a while ago. He knew, as John had known, that it would do to ponder that question too long, for there was no answer.

For now, he thought he'd just sleep.

-

Fin

-


In case I wasn't clear (it's pretty vague) that last section is confirmation that L is the unknown author that Raito loved so much, as many of you guessed. Good job. :)

I hope the lime didn't take away from the story like the other almost-sex scene might've. I tried to make it as pychological as much as it was sexual, and I like it, but I'm not sure what you guys will think.

I hope I made everything as realistic as possible, because I want to live up to all the expectations you readers have of me. I don't want someone to love the first 17 chapters and then hate the last one. Sorry for taking so long with this chapter, by the way.

I got 125 reviews for the last chapter so...wow. That's the most I've ever gotten for any story. O.O Thank all of you so, so much.

This is only the second long story (more than ten chapters) I've ever finished, so yay! Once again, thanks so much. All of you made it possible.

I'm also writing a fic called Spira Mirabilis, with Dante's Muse, so maybe you want to go check it out? It's on a seperate penname.

This won't be the last story from me. I almost want to cry now that it's over!

Luv ya so much!

Nilah