It seemed like any other routine meeting for the Akatsuki. After going out for pizza and running away when Kakuzu refused to pay the bill, they convened in the AKATSUKI LAIR. The AKATSUKI LAIR, as far as is known, only exists in the realm of online fandom. It is a sort of dormitory where the Akatsuki all live together when not committing crimes and become the victims of random humor.
The waited, rather indifferently. Itachi wondered aloud what Tobi had broken this time- Kisame, meanwhile, was eating one last slice of anchovie pizza. Then, their Leader arrived. His name is a secret- he is known only as Leader. His underlings hold him in great respect and reverence, which is why Hidan designed a "Kill Leader-sama" game in his bootleg copy of Macromedia Flash. Itachi currently holds the high score... but I digress. Leader-sama began his announcement,
"My fellow Akatsuki, the time has come for change..."
"OHMYGOODNESSNOOOOOO!" exclaimed Tobi, "Do you mean that we're going to have to pose for a swimsuit calendar to raise money, after all?!"
"...who started that rumor, anyway?" Leader-sama asked.
Everyone pointed to Kakuzu, who explained that it would be a great money-making tool, and that the online fangirls would be a great source of potential capital.
"...Well, Kakuzu, we will discuss this idea later. As I was saying, the time has come for change..."
"Does this mean that we aren't going to be able to bomb things for pleasure anymore?" Deidara asked hesitantly.
"No, Deidara, we will always cause random destruction as a form of entertainment. You need not worry about ANY limitations on that. As I was saying..."
"So," Deidara interjected again, "There are NO limitations? So, if I were to dump a C-5 bomb into the septic tank here, wait for a victim to enter the bathroom, and then set off an explosion of sewage, then upload the video to You Tube... that would be okay?"
[Author's Note: Deidara's C-4 Garuda involves him spitting up a fountain of clay. As for what C-5, a stronger technique, involves- I'll leave that to your imagination.
"NOOOO!!" Leader-sama raged, "The last time you did that it took SIX MONTHS to clean up the bathroom!! What the heck is WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!"
"Tobi thought that the exploding septic tank bad bathroom fountain of doom was funny," Tobi said innoucuously.
"See? Tobi does have some artistic taste, after all. Anyway, it was in the top 20 most-watched videos on YouTube for TWO WEEKS!" Deidara exclaimed.
"...but, Orochimaru was so traumatized by the experience that he ran away, and we lost one of our best operatives! When we sent Itachi to try to catch him, Orochimaru left his arm behind like a lizard would sacrifice its tail to escape... How tragic!!" Leader said, bursting into tears.
"He deserved it. Orochimaru owed me money..." Kakuzu mumbled.
"ANYWAY..." the Akatsuki Leader barked with exasperation, "THE CHANGE IS THAT WE'RE GOING CO-ED!"
Everyone gasped. Itachi smiled rather wickedly. Tobi asked,
"What is Co-Ed?"
"It means that we're going to start working with girls, instead of all of the Akatsuki being men," Kisame explained.
"But... wait..." Tobi said with some confusion, "Does that mean that Deidara-sempai... IS A GUY?!?! Wow! I can't believe it! I never saw THAT coming. ...sigh I guess I should burn all of that fanart I have of sempai in a bikini, then..."
"TOBI! I'M GOING TO ASSIGN YOU A CAUSE OF DEATH!!" Deidara bellowed.
"So, what is it? Explosion or strangulation?" Tobi chirped.
"It's Zetsu! I shall laugh knock you out laugh and laugh coat you with Italian meat sauce and..." (Deidara starts to laugh uncontrolably.)
"Is he off of his medication again?" Leader asked.
"Well, his medication is really expensive, so I've been giving him a placebo made out of flour..." Kakuzu admitted.
"Wow! No wonder sempai has been so much fun lately," Tobi said laughingly.
Everyone wondered what Tobi meant, but was too afraid to ask. The Leader continued his announcement:
"Anyway, I've found a kunoichi whose skills will be very useful to us. From now on, she's a member of our group. She actually came to work for us voluntarily, too! All that she demanded, apart from the usual pay of $3.00 a week, is that we all pose for her art occassionally. How bad could that be?
"Her codename is 'Bluie,' since her hair is a shoulder-length mop of blue. I expect all of you to treat her with respect. Remember that I agreed to us posing for her art, so do whatever she asks you in that regard.
Her she is- our newest Akatsuki member, Bluie!" Leader finished, as he gestured toward a figure in the corner. A young woman, around 20, stepped out of the shadows. In her blue hair she wore a white flower. Bowing, she introduced herself,
"Konichiwa. I'm 'Bluie.'"
"Is she cute, Kisame?" the near-sighted Itachi asked.
"No," Kisame replied, thinking "she doesn't even have gills! What a plain woman..."
Deidara managed to regain control of himself (a bit) when he heard that the new recruit was an artist, as well.
"So, un... What kind of art do you do? We're going to pose for you, right? Un?" Deidara asked.
"Well," Bluie replied, "My art is VERY popular on the internet, and it's mainly of you guys! What better way to improve my skills than to have you pose for me in person?"
"...I would be interested in seeing this art," Sasori mumbled.
[Author's note: I brought him back from the dead using my mysterious writing skills. Deal with it.
"Well, actually, I have a GREAT picture of you and Deidara right here! It's one of my most popular in my online gallery!" Bluie said, as she pulled out a print from the porfolio she wore under her cloak.
"Here! Take a look at this!" Bluie continued.
No sooner had Sasori looked at the image than he screamed and fainted. As he lay on the floor, the others crowded in closely to see Bluie's drawing of Sasori and Deidara. Then, they recoiled in horror.
"What a pity Orochimaru isn't here," Zetsu mused. "This was the sort of things that he liked. His computer was full of it...
"ACK! You have a sick, twisted mind, yeah!" screamed Deidara, "...that's a real turn-on," he continued, "Do you want to go out somewhere tomorrow?"
"...Kisame..." Itachi began.
"I... I think that I just lost the rest of my eyesight. I can't see anything anymore," Itachi moaned.
"Well, we can get you a seeing-eye dog or something..." Kisame replied.
"...but, he already has a seeing eye SHARK, doesn't he?" Zetsu began, "NO. HE NEEDS A DOG. GET HIM A DOG," his other half replied.
"Wow. I can't believe that you guys don't like my art..." Bluie sniffed, "The yaoi fangirls online LOVE it. Well, anyway, Leader-sama said that if I worked for him, that all of you would pose for me however I wanted, so I guess you'll eventually get used to it..."
The Akatsuki gave a collective scream of horror as they realized their sudden and inescapable misfortune. Their lives would only go downhill from here. No one had anticipated that Bluie would be a pervy fangirl. This lack of suspicion on their parts had spelled their doom...