Summary: Sasuke, Naruto, and… a cootie catcher? SasuNaruSasu (and implied LeeSaku)
Warnings: Swearing. SasuNaruSasu yaoi (boyxboy). Don't like, don't read. It's as simple as that.
Disclaimer: Given that I'm writing fanfiction and am not a Japanese man named Kishimoto, I don't own Naruto. Please take a moment to be beside yourself with shock.
Notes: Heh, this is a lot different from my other oneshot. I was just in the mood to write humor. I suppose the characters are in their late teens/early twenties or so, if that matters. This near-crackish fic is the result of oreo ice cream and finding an old cootie catcher in a box of stuff. (I don't know if they're known by other names, but I'm referring to those folded paper fortune-tellers. Hopefully you have some inkling of what I'm talking about, in the very least.)
Glancing around Sakura's bedroom, Sasuke could only surmise that women have a knack for hoarding crap.
Naruto stood beside him, gaping at the disaster zone that their pink-haired friend's normally tidy dwelling had transformed into and wondering if he should fear for his own safety. What was going on? Next thing he knew, he'd come home to find Sasuke pogo-sticking in the living room!
Things were strewn haphazardly across the small room—hair accessories, scrolls, medical supplies, purses, books, articles of clothing, shoes, assorted containers of makeup, stuffed animals (the boys shuddered at being in the presence of anything so plush and cuddly, as if the fuzzy little beings would rear up and steal their souls), and a multitude of any of the other horrendously shiny, sparkly and/or pink items that betrayed the murky depths of the female mind.
"Um, Sakura-chan?" Naruto asked with an air of caution, "Soooo…. what's going on with your room?" Summoning all the tact he could, he'd somehow managed to swallow his initial eloquent inquiry of Woah, Sakura-chan, what the fuck is up with your room and why does it look like I just Rasengan'ed the shit out of everything?
Sasuke glared at the blond, as if he'd destroyed their chances of making a clean getaway; as if Sakura had magically forgotten that she'd heard them knock and called for them to come in. He just wanted to get those documents that Tsunade had sent them to retrieve from Sakura and leave, dammit! Onyx eyes gazed longingly to the open door. Now, if he could just inch back slowly…
"I can't find my favorite earrings!" Sakura's back was to them as she rifled through a dresser drawer. "You know, the ones Lee gave me for our 6 month anniversary?" (Yes, Sakura, because men are renowned for their abilities at remembering minute details.) Her voice sounded as if she was on the verge of simultaneously wailing, pulling her hair out, and punching a hole through the wall. (It never failed to astound the two boys how women could feel so many emotions at once and not spontaneously combust; the very thought of being so complex was an exhausting notion to entertain.)
"Want us to help you look for them?"
Cue an it's-a-good-thing-you-put-out-or-I'd-be-killing-you-so-dead-right-now-but-I-might-do-it-anyway-because-although-I-don't-completely-detest-Sakura-anymore-the-thought-of-spending-an-afternoon-in-this-pink-lair-of-doom-when-we-could-be-doing-more-pleasurable-activities-makes-me-want-to-kick-puppies glare from Sasuke.
Before the girl could answer, and ignoring the air of imminent death that had permeated the room, Naruto turned to Sasuke and smiled brightly, "Hey, Sasuke, use your Sharingan to look for Sakura's earrings!"
"What the fuck do you think I am, dobe, a metal detector?"
A pout and a muttered, "No, but you'd definitely be more helpful if you were…"
Allowing a small chuckle at their exchange, Sakura ran a hand through her pink tresses. "Well, if you want to help…" she trailed off uncertainly as she felt a glare (three guesses as to whose) piercing the back of her skull.
Snapping out of his pout and glaring back at Sasuke for good measure, Naruto stepped forward. Feeling something crunch under his foot, he bent down to pick up a strangely folded piece of paper.
"Hey, Sakura-chan, what's this?"
"Hm, what?" She said absentmindedly, and turned with a slight scowl at being distracted from her search. Her expression softened as her pale green eyes caught sight of what her blond friend was holding out to her.
"Oh," she laughed, "that must've been tucked away somewhere in here. It's a cootie catcher."
Naruto's face scrunched up and he looked at her as if she had sprouted another head. "What?"
She sighed. "It's like a game, baka. When we were in the academy, the other girls and I would make them and play with them. You write fortunes inside them, and the one you pick is supposed to come true."
Naruto, being Naruto, still seemed confused. Willing down the urge to smack him, she took the cootie catcher from him, slipped her fingers in, and instructed him to pick one of the colors written on the outside flaps.
Naruto chose blue (after complaining that orange was not an option), and Sakura spelled it out, pulling the paper in opposite directions as she did so. Sasuke looked on, disinterested and wondering if it would just be easier to write those documents himself at this point.
Sakura stopped and told Naruto to pick one of the inside numbers. When he chose the number three, she quickly pulled it back and forth before asking the blond to pick another number. When he pointed to the seven, she lifted the flap and read aloud, "'Uchiha Sasuke will fall in love with you'."
With this, a pink-haired girl giggled, a blond dobe blushed, and a raven-hued eyebrow lifted almost imperceptibly in intrigue (or as close as one could get by utilizing only one facial muscle).
Looking a bit embarrassed, Sakura blushed. "Hey, this was written when we were in the academy." She grinned, "But I guess your fortune's already come true, Naruto."
Sakura turned back to the drawer as Sasuke smirked and Naruto flushed darker, though inwardly pleased.
Suddenly, she let a jubilant squeal, "Yes! Found 'em!"
"Sakura. About those papers we came for…" Sasuke interjected blandly as Sakura jumped and down in exultation.
"What? Oh, they're on the kitchen count…" she felt a breeze and turned to see golden locks disappearing from sight as Sasuke yanked Naruto out of the room, "—er."
She heard a faint "Bye, Sakura-chaaaan!" before the door to her apartment slammed.
Puzzled, she surveyed her room and paled. Oh. This would take her the rest of the day to clean.
Naruto sauntered through the front door of the Uchiha mansion, looking forward to his daily sodium overdose by way of a delectable cup ramen (or twelve) after a rough day of ninja-ing. On his quest to the kitchen, he passed through the living room, where Sasuke was perched on the couch wearing a highly self-satisfied (danger, danger!) smirk on his handsome features.
Hm. Better check on that… after I get me some ramen!
"Dobe. Come here."
With a sigh and the resignation that he wouldn't be eating until Sasuke stopped being diabolical, he trudged over to the couch. "What, teme?"
Pale arms extended. When Naruto saw what Sasuke was holding out to him, he began glancing about, expecting to see a pogo stick leaning nonchalantly in a corner somewhere.
Because surely that would be more logical than to find Uchiha Sasuke with a (girly) cootie catcher.
"Eh?! You feeling okay, Sasuke?"
"Just pick a damn color, dumbass."
The voice of reason (faint as it was) in the back of Naruto's mind that pointed out the evil glint in those dark eyes was shushed at the pleasing observation that orange was, indeed, a possible selection.
Once 'orange' had been spelled out, Naruto pointed at the inside flap on which a number five was scrawled in Sasuke's neat script. After Sasuke had repeated the motion five times, the blond selected the eight.
Wordlessly, the cootie catcher was handed over to Naruto in a silent order to read his fortune aloud himself.
"…'You will have hot, mind-blowing sex with Uchiha Sasuke all night long'."
A pair of cerulean blue eyes blinked once, twice, thrice, and rolled before a lone blond eyebrow rose. "You're quite proud of yourself, aren't you?"
"Hn." A yes.
Rolling his eyes again and smirking (and planning on making one of the paper fortune-tellers himself), Naruto tossed the cootie catcher over his shoulder and joined his dark-haired lover on the couch. Lips met and hips ground together as the two bodies wasted no time in entangling themselves.
After laying sloppy kisses up a pale jaw line, Naruto paused in his assault. Sasuke could feel hot breath fanning over his cheek, and a low murmur filled his ear.
"Looks like my fortunes just keep coming true, don't they?"
And as that wicked mouth moved on to attack his neck while he desperately reached for the button of orange pants, Sasuke felt no need to tell Naruto that the same message was written behind every flap of the cootie catcher.
A/N: I wonder if pogo sticks exist in the Naruto universe?
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