The only thing I own is this computer I stole.
Albus Dumbledore stood before his pupils after the Sorting Ceremony had commenced. His gaze carried over the Great Hall, over all of the jovial students eating, talking, some even holding hands, all without a care in the world. Voldemort had been vanquished over the summer and he never seen his students happier, especially The Golden Trio. It would be their last year here at Hogwarts and it was only right that they spend it without having to worry about impending doom by a slippery, bald wizard, while studying for their NEWTs. They should experience happiness, but with safety.
He realized a week before the term would start that Hogwarts taught everything a budding wizard and witch should know, except Sexual Education. The human body is an extraordinary thing. And every child should know about their growing bodies and their hormones. Not only learn about their bodies, but protect them.
He has seen his fair share of witches pregnant before they graduated during his time at Hogwarts. Some were married soon after they found out; some had to live in shame because the father would not take responsibility or the parents could not look past such a 'mistake'; or simply the witch would get rid of the 'problem' after finding out about it. But not only that, think of the diseases, infections! Yes… He was doing this for the students' own good.
"Children! I have an announcement to make, one that took much thought. One I am sure that will make a difference in your life, perhaps a huge one." His voice rang throughout the Great Hall until it was the only one speaking. The students looked up with undivided attention, the professors the same. "It has occurred to me that Hogwarts does not teach a crucial area that pertains to everyone, particularly you, the growing student body. And that is Sexual Education."
Professor McGonagall just about fell out of her seat; Ronald Weasley snorted up his pumpkin juice; and close to half of the student body nearly broke out in laughter. The professors all stared at the Headmaster in disbelief, horror written all over their faces. And just who exactly would be the one to teach said class? He has never spoken to any of them about it.
Albus smiled a smile an old, senile man would as he took the children's reactions as approval. "For now children," he started, beckoning his students to quiet down, "Sex Ed will be an elective lasting only the first term, seeing how I decided this rather spur-of-the-moment like. Any student is welcome to sign up for the elective." Hermione perked up, something new to learn then? "The professor teaching this course, I've decided to be none other than, Professor Snape."
Snape threw down his tea in a coughing fit, jerking his head to Albus and roared, "WHAT?!..."
"For those of you who would rather not take it for the entire term, you can still come to Professor Snape for help."
"… THE FUCK??!"
"Yes, Severus, you will be explaining that. But I forbid you to use that term in class, you are to present yourself as a role model after all." The Great Hall broke out in a chattering chaos. The Potions Master/ Sex Ed Professor buried his face in his hands as he shouted expletives. Snape was undeniably pissed that he was chosen to do this. But the students hated him; they wouldn't want to come to their nasty, greasy git of a Potions Professor for sexual help. Who was the senile, old man kidding? No one would sign up for this class.
"ALBUS!" Snape roared as he stalked into the Headmaster's Office.
"Severus! I'm glad you came to see me; we have much to talk about. We never got around to talking about your holiday."
"Oh, well I spent the holiday thinking of ways to kill you without getting caught."
"Splendid! What did you come up with?" Albus smiled sweetly, seeming genuinely interested.
Snape's face contorted with anger, "ALBUS, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS? ME TEACHING SEX!"
"I thought you were the best candidate."
"Poppy is the best candidate, you daft old man!"
"But who makes the potions for Poppy?"
Snape gritted his teeth, "I do."
"And how can people best avoid making mistakes or perhaps solving one in a private manner."
"By brewing potions." Snape hissed between clenched teeth. Sexual Education my ass, this is Perverted Potions.
"Well, then. I'm glad we settled that. This class of yours will only take place once a week, starting next week. I will give you the syllabus to look over. Perhaps you will have students, perhaps you won't." Snape stared at him with complete hatred. "But, for the student's sakes, I hope they come to you for help. I mean it Severus. Voldemort no longer lives, but we still prepare the children for evil. With this, we are simply preparing them for life."
Severus rose from his seat taking his leave of the Headmaster. He cursed under his breath as he stalked the corridors, occasionally finding a student out and berated them, before he took away points. After making his way down the Dungeons to his private quarters, he threw down the syllabus in disgust. He poured himself a shot of Ogden's and downed it. He would not allow himself to prepare his teaching regimen for Perverted Potions sober.
The first week had drudged on as everyone assimilated back into school-mode. Severus had to give detentions to some students who would ask a question referring to his forced-upon teaching position. The popular one was, "Professor Snape, where do babies come from?" The little dunderheads never seemed to let up. He made sure their detentions with Filch were notably repugnant.
It was Tuesday evening as he strode down to the dungeons to his Potions classroom. It was seven pm and dinner in the Great Hall had just ended. Tonight was the first night of his so-called class, he grimaced at the fact. He paused before he opened the door and reassured himself that no one would want to be taught sex, especially from the snarky, Potions Master. Taking a breath, he threw open the door, robes billowing. He let out a sigh of relief, there was no one inside. He turned around, mentally kicking himself in the arse. He forgot to check the far corner of the room as he came in. Damn the Gods… Damn Albus Dumbledore… Of all the people, to be sitting in his classroom, it just had to be her.