Okay so don't expect this go anywhere, it's been sitting on my comp for over a year and decided it was too genius for me not to share it with others...but yeah, this is it...
Anyway, I don't own Harry Potter or anything associated with it
"I didn't steal them! I liberated them!"
All the highly tired Hogwarts students, in the Great Hall for their first morning back, looked over to the door where two aurors were forcefully pulling a struggling Harry Potter, who had his hands restrained behind his back.
Snape and Dumbledore stood up; Snape looked particularly exasperated as though he'd dealt with this particular situation before. The room slowly lapsed into an interested silence, as Snape demanded to know:
"What on Earth were you found doing in a drunken binge this time, Potter?"
"I was actually not drunk!" Harry exclaimed loudly and petulantly. "I actually did this of my own free and good will toward my fellow living thing."
"You're kidding," Snape muttered, his tone deeply sarcastic.
"Actually I am," Harry replied grinning, "I didn't liberate the horses out of goodwill—"
"Horses?" One of the aurors demanded, "They were dragons!"
Harry rolled his eyes and shrugged replying, "I fail to see the difference."
"What exactly did you do Mr. Potter," Snape demanded.
"I liberated someone's horses," Harry replied very self-righteously, tossing his head.
"You stole the zoo's dragons!" the auror replied loudly.
"Again!" Harry yelled, "I fail to see the difference!"
"You stole dragons?" Snape demanded.
"I liberated them!" Harry corrected in near exasperation. Then he caught sight of the surprised student body. "Ron, Hermione!" Harry exclaimed happily, "how's it going?"
"Harry—what's going on?" Hermione demanded.
"Potter," Snape snapped, Harry merely spared him a glance though and returned to Hermione replying:
"I decided of my own sober free will to liberate some imprisoned horses—"
Harry glared at the auror and continued, "Imprisoned horses, and in return for helping them out, the horses decided to help me in my quest to find the holy order of the giant goat!"
Silence met this, and the aurors openly gaped at Harry, Dumbledore was also.
Snape though had slammed his hand over his face and groaned, "Not this again. Potter, the holy order of the giant goat is not real."
"It is so!" Harry yelled, looking like he desperately wanted someone to believe him, "I saw them!"
The aurors were staring at Harry now like he was crazy.
"Just release him," Snape sighed waving his hand, "I'll take it from here."
"And the dragons!" Harry exclaimed as he tossed his arm, which had just been freed in front of him, "they said they would help me find them that has to mean something!"
Snape gave a very put-upon sigh and replied, "It means you're hallucinating and talking to animals—"
"Hey!" Harry exclaimed in offense, "they talked to me this time, and besides that, animals always talk back and I freaking saw them! The holy order of the giant goat is real!"
"Mister Potter," Snape sighed, taking hold of Harry's shoulders, "you had a very traumatic experience when you were ten and it has affected you deeply, I understand this, but it is no reason to hide behind these stories."
"No," Harry whined, shaking himself free of Snape's grasp, "listen, I was in the zoo when these dragons told me that they knew what I was seeking, and of course I was like damn I'm drunk, so I left and came back when I was sober. Then lo and behold the dragons talked to me again and they were all we know what you seek and I was like oh yeah, and they were like yeah…"
Snape leaned over to one of the aurors and muttered; "now you see why he always gets off because of temporary insanity."
"…and so then they were like if you let us out we will help you on your quest to find the holy order of the giant goat," Harry finished, "and so I liberated them."
"And got caught," Snape added.
"And got caught," Harry agreed, "but they have reaffirmed my belief in the holy order of the giant goat and I am now sure that I can track them down and release my stolen powers!"
"Harry, my dear boy," Dumbledore began, looking incredibly shocked at all of these developments, he was well aware that Harry was a bit of an alcoholic and even got himself into utterly ridiculous circumstances over the summer, but Dumbledore had never suspected things went this far.
"Don't you get involved in this," Harry snapped quickly, "this is my business and you have no part in it, Snape is only involved because he has to sign my bail papers."
"And listen to your insane idiosyncrasies," Snape added.
"That too," Harry added nodding, "besides," he continued looking at Dumbledore, "why do you even need to know about what went on in my life before I turned eleven and after I turned two?"
"Potter go sit down, eat breakfast, we'll discuss your punishment for this later," Snape sighed and Harry nodded.
"Though I don't see why I get punished for helping some things out," Harry declared, "the one time I do something good…" He rolled his eyes and calmly made his way over to the Gryffindor table and plopped down.
"What was that all about?" Ron demanded, "What were you doing at a magical zoo anyway?"
"Violating my parole," Harry replied with a bright grin as he began filling his plate. "Not only was I drinking but I was in a place where certain magic could readily affect my poor psyche."
"Drinking?" Hermione exclaimed in horror, "why on earth were you drinking Harry?"
"I had a very traumatic experience when I was ten," Harry replied, grinning widely as he quoted Snape, "which affected me deeply, you understand."
"Mate you're bonkers," Ron declared, "and why were you going on about giant goats?"
"There's just one giant goat," Harry replied, "and I am in fact bonkers, that's why I'm here, none of my criminal activity happened while I was quote, 'in my right mind' en quote, and if I happened to be sane or sober, like I was when I let the dragons loose, there's always something to speak against my mental complacency."
"That's some vocabulary," Dean commented.
Harry nodded and took a bit of an apple explaining as he chewed, "Have to talk that way or I'd be in St. Mungo's right now."
"You probably should be in St. Mungo's anyway," Snape declared from behind Harry.
"Nice to see you can still pop out of nowhere," Harry replied, tilting his head back, "good to see you've limited your skills to being inside the school. With great power—" Harry spun his fork in the air, "—comes many tortured students, right prof?"
"Indeed," Snape replied, with no small amount of sarcasm. "My office, after breakfast."
"Gonna nail me with community service?" Harry asked grinning, "Because I've been looking into a few projects I would like to take part in."
"No, Potter, we're talking."
"Ooh, cryptic," Harry muttered, and then he asked, "would it matter if I said I didn't really mean that I was sober when I said I was and that I honestly thought the dragons were talking horses?"
"Are you attempting to claim insanity?" Snape demanded.
Harry sighed and put his fork down on his plate and explained to Snape, as though he were a small child, "well, it's only go to end up going that way anyway."
"Indeed," Snape replied, "but sometimes the truth is better, in certain situations."
"You mean, what I believe is more than enough to land me in St. Mungos, no need to spice the story up?" Harry corrected.
"Quite," Snape replied, "Do remember to come straight to my office after breakfast; we can't have a hung-over boy-who-lived terrorizing the first years."
"I quite agree, besides, you've pretty much got a monopoly in that area." Harry replied, "You office, after breakfast, check; try not to be so obviously hung-over, check. Is that everything?"
"Probably not," Snape replied, "but it will have to do for now."
Snape stalked back up to the head table, and Harry returned his attention to his peers and smiled at their looks of shock.
"Problem?" Harry asked raising his brows.
"You were civil to each other," Hermione gasped.
"Being civil makes the law suits go so much more smoothly," Harry told her, "You've no idea, besides, Snape didn't know who I was until he'd been assigned to my case for eight months. Makes it easier to get along when you just know a person as a crazy, traumatized child rather than the stuck up son of your arch rival…wouldn't you agree?"
"Well, I suppose—"
"What's the deal with this giant goat thing anyway?"