If I became gay, and I mean the whole hypothetical 'I did not just have a cock in my mouth last night' big if, it would be his fault. One hundred percent, totally, certifiably his fault. Okay, so maybe eight percent my fault, but still one hundred percent his fault. Yes, I know that adds up to one hundred and eight. That's how big this is. Really.

Who's he? Damn, I thought we were both on the same page here. Haven't you been keeping up? Him, he. There's only one he I could be talking about. Like I'd really go around sucking anyone else's dick. Ew. That's just gross. Bad puppy, thinking such thoughts. I think I have to go wash my mind out with soap now. There's only one guy I would ever, ever do... those things with.

What? Yes, I mean Perry! Come on, get with the program.

So, anyways, like I was saying, it's all his fault. I didn't intend to turn gay. 'Really, your honor, his dick just accidentally slipped up my ass.' And I'm sure someone, somewhere has used that excuse back when sodomy was still illegal. 'I tripped and it just fell in. Honest.'

Don't get me wrong, I love Harmony. I still do. Always have, always will - that sort of deal. But I don't love her. I thought I did. She thought I did. Hell, even Perry thought I did, and his gaydar is just scary. I mean, really, really scary. If NASA had radar as good as his gaydar, fuck all those U.F.O.s, they'd all be I.D.O. - Identified Domestic Objects. We'd know everything about them down to their cock sizes. I mean it.

Harmony and I, we tried. We really did. But dating Harmony... Ever thought about dating your sister? Yeah, it was a lot like that. When the time came, when we actually got down to it, I mean to do it, we just couldn't. Wasn't happening, and man was that embarrassing. For both of us. And that's how it ended. No big fight, no loss of limbs, just putting our clothes back on and calling it a night.

I didn't say anything to Perry about it, but he sorta got the picture. He's good at that, the whole detective thing. So he took me out for a couple drinks - didn't say anything, just drove, then paid. That was the big sign that Perry knew something was wrong. Perry never pays. Even now, when we're actually vaguely dating, he never pays. Okay, so to be fair, he does sometimes, but it's rare and I have to be really fucked up for him to do that.

That night, I drank a lot. I was upset. Not that upset, I mean it wasn't world-ending kind of upset, but in a way, really, it was. All my life, up to that point, had been about loving Harmony and now that was gone. I was at a loss like... well, like she'd cut off my heart along with my finger. And that was bad, because I needed something to fill that void and guess who was there, less than five fucking feet away from me? Perry, that's who.

(For those of you in the back who've been too busy talking on the phone or giving your boyfriend a quick hand-job in the back of the theatre, a quick recap: Me, Perry, bar, consolation after loss of Harmony. Alcohol plus loss of love-of-life plus a life of really repressed homosexual tendencies. You'll see where I'm going with this if you shut off the phone and get your hand out of his pants.)

Like I was saying, Perry just happened to be right next to me, plying me with more booze than was strictly necessary. Well, you know how some guys can't get it up when they're really wasted? I have the opposite problem. So Perry, thinking I'm just a harmless drunk and completely blitzed out of my gourd, takes me back to his place. He drops me on the couch, does the whole nice guy thing of getting me a blanket and a pillow and tucking me in - at the time I remember asking him if he'd been in any cornfields recently. He didn't get the reference.

Perry leaves me there on the couch and goes upstairs to his bedroom. I think I waited a whole five minutes before I followed. Actually, it was probably more than that since he was already in bed and it takes Perry a bit to get undressed. See, he's actually neat about it - folds his clothes, puts them in a hamper and all that so that they don't get wrinkled. It's something about clothes that cost more than they should that turn people into complete neat freaks. Or maybe it's just Perry.

But, he was in bed, and buck-ass naked. He's gay, probably has a ton of guys over, so really I kind of expected it. I even came prepared - I left my clothes down on the couch. It was dark, so I kinda get Perry not noticing the whole mutually naked thing until I crawled into bed with him. Kinda. I mean, he is a detective after all.

Needless to say, Perry was a little surprised. More so after I straddled his hips and stuck my tongue down his throat. I have to tell you, that was really not great for my first gay kiss. Alright, alright, I see there really is someone in the audience paying attention. Second gay kiss, but that first one was completely accidental. On my part at least. But it got the cops to go away and that was probably what put that first bit of 'maybe' in my head in regards to the whole me plus Perry thing.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Perry asks me as soon as I pull away, with that whole 'I'm so much cooler than you' and 'did the sky just turn fuchsia' tone of his. Okay, so technically that's two tones in one, but Perry's good like that.

Take it from me, Perry's really good like that and in a lot of other ways too. But we're getting to that.

So I lay it all out for him, plain and simple, give him the whole story. "Kiss me," I say, and he just stares at me like he's never had a naked guy on top of him before. Maybe he hadn't. You never know.


I don't let him finish. Or even start. "Kiss me," I tell him, and then do so because obviously he's not going to get around to it on his own.

This time he pushes me away, and I'm starting to get a little miffed now.

"Harry, you're drunk." Like that's ever really an excuse.

"No shit." I decide to change tactics. "Fuck me."


Now, at this point, I'm starting to really feel down. First the thing with Harm, and now I'm getting turned down by Perry. Gay Perry. With a nickname like that, you really expected he'd be up for a little gay action. So I started to think, maybe it was me.

Then I punched Perry. Not hard, and definitely not in the face. Really it was more of a solid tap on the chest.

"Why not?" I demanded. Rather loudly, if I recall.

"Because you're drunk, Harry. You li-liked Harmony. You're going to regret this in the morning. You don't even like guys. Now get off of me."

So, like I was saying before about me being the opposite kind of drunk. Well, there was very definite proof that I liked at least one guy poking Perry in the stomach. Really shoddy detective work if he couldn't figure that one out.

At this point I was starting to think that if I wanted this to get anywhere, I'd have to take matters into my own hand. So I did. Literally. "I do like you," I told Perry while I slid backwards down the sheets, "and this isn't entirely about Harmony and I'm not that drunk and I'm not going to regret it in the morning and I might be gay." That was a big mouthful, but Perry always said I had a big mouth, and I think he was really impressed that I managed to say it all without pausing for breath. I'm good like that. Bit of foreshadowing, if you think about it.

So there I was, mostly under the covers with a naked Perry under me who really doubted my whole newfound 'I like cock' routine. He needed proof, so I gave it to him. Kinda hard to argue that a guy isn't gay when he's sucking your cock. Which I was, by the way. I wasn't great at it, I mean I'd never stuck another guy's cock in my mouth before but I was familiar with the experience, at least from the receiving end. No, not with another guy. Some of my girlfriends actually did suck me off, so I knew, at least in theory, how the whole thing worked.

Perry didn't complain, and he still hasn't. He may grumble and call me a pushy bottom, but he has never once complained about my ability to suck cock. Never complimented it either, but I'll take my victories where I can get them.

And that's the story of how... Oh, wait, you wanted to hear the rest of it? Ha! Most of you didn't even know there was a 'rest of it'. Not paying attention, were you? Remember that whole court defense joke I was doing? Yeah, I know it was bad, but there is a point to it. See Perry's cock did end up in my ass, but he didn't trip and it definitely wasn't an accident.

See, thing with guys is, you really can't just stop in the middle. Doesn't work that way. You get one of us wound up, and we have to finish somehow. Maybe take matters in hand, spank one off, maybe find a substitute. You get a guy horny enough, he really will fuck anything... within reason. I don't know about you but there are a lot of things, and people even, that I wouldn't fuck even if you paid me. I have my standards, really.

Now the great thing about being a guy trying to get laid by another guy is, you know this. So, middle of the whole sucking Perry's cock thing, I stop. Just cold turkey pull my lips off and stop. Picture if you will, me smiling like a guy who knows he's won and Perry frustrated out of his skull because he's about a minute between two wet lips from getting off.

So I ask him, "Now will you fuck me?"

Perry just gives me this look, this mean mother-fucker of a look that says if I hadn't been sucking his dick, he would have killed me on the spot.

Instead, he flips us over, practically rips the drawer next to the bed off its runners, and shoves two fingers up my ass. Now that I know better, I have to be a bit thankful that Perry's not a complete asshole. He could have just rammed it in in one go, but he didn't. I got about fifteen seconds of lube before he really did ram his cock down my ass.

It hurt. I'm not gonna lie. I've heard some first times are fine and dandy. 'course that's when the other guy actually takes time to prepare and all that, get you used to it, maybe even a bit of a hand job or a little sucky to start things off. But when you've never been with another guy before and it just gets shoved right in... yeah, bit of a pinch, to say the least.

I think, all in all, I handled it well. I didn't scream, and I didn't pass out. I think I have working with Perry to thank for it, since I really have built up my pain tolerance just by being around him. Plus the whole getting shot, getting my balls zapped and, oh, yeah, loosing a finger. So it hurt, but I stuck with it and after a minute or two, yeah, it started to feel kind of nice. Couple more minutes and 'kinda nice' turned into 'really nice', and at that point I don't think you could have got Perry's cock out of my ass with a crowbar.

There are times when the words 'wild monkey sex' pale in comparison. This was one of them. Best goddam orgasm of my life. Really. And I've had a lot, by now. I did say Perry was good.

I take that back, Perry's phenomenal, at least in bed. Damn. I mean really, damn.

I don't think I sat right for a week after that, and Perry kept grinning at me every time I fidgeted. Of course, I probably wouldn't have been fidgeting for a whole week if he hadn't fucked me over his desk. Twice. And a couple more times in his bed.

Harmony, she's cool with it. She says that our little 'break-up' was the beginning of my new, unheeded life, and that really she just let me express who I really was. I'm not sure if I fully buy that, or maybe it's just that if I can't be with her then I don't want to be with any other woman and that left just one option. Well, two options really but I'm not going to go fucking goats. That's just sick. So, one option, and if it had to be a guy, then it had to be Perry.

Way I see it, it's more than just a time-and-place thing. It's Perry. He's just good like that. So he may not know it, but he was meant to buy me all those drinks and I was meant to get totally plastered and he was meant to fuck me up the ass.

So in the end, everything worked out the way it's supposed to.

And now I have to go because Perry wants his desk back. Or maybe he wants me on his desk on my back. It's hard to tell sometimes. Either way, I have to go.

I really hope it's the 'on the desk' option.

And I'm gone.