This is a humor fic, inspired by my husband, who decided it would be fun to make me laugh hysterically while I was driving. Dedicated to him, because he doesn't have to be crazy to live with me, but it helps.
Disclaimer: Assuming about anyone is the best I can do, as I am not JK Rowling and have no certain knowledge how this game's going to play out. I'm not Trelawney, or any sort of real seer, so I don't bring a crystal ball for this gig. I own nothing except the world's second most temperamental feline, and I'm sure she'd disagree with me on the point of ownership. Please note that this list includes both people I assume should live and people I rather expect will not. I do not have to tell you which is which - it should make you laugh more if I don't.
Ten years after the fall of Voldemort
-Harry James Potter and Ginevra Molly Weasley began planning the Wizarding world's most phenomenal wedding ever, then eloped. After surviving three assassination attempts by the mother of the bride, they settled down in a small cottage(only slightly larger than Buckingham Palace) near the Burrow and, together with friends, opened a detective agency. They spend their days hunting Dark Wizards, missing artifacts, and Harry's socks. They spend their evenings scoring their friends' arguments. How they spend their nights is not fit for publication, but eventually resulted in contributions to later Hogwarts graduations.
-Ronald Bilius Weasley and Hermione Jane Granger were married on the battlefield following the fall of Voldemort and remain steadfast partners to this day, possibly due to the intervention of friends, family members, and a scoring system whose daily tallies easily outstrip the Chudley Cannons. Together with their friends Harry and Ginny, they live in a small house (about the same size as Versailles) near the Burrow, and work together at the same detective agency the four founded after the War. They spend every spare minute (and quite a few minutes they can't spare) in intense debates over various philosophical, extracurricular, and social situations. In fact, their children, Miracle, Chance, and Destiny Weasley, are considered to be three of the most grateful but unexpected students ever to enter Hogwarts.
-Luna Lovegood became senior editor of the Daily Prophet, a down-at-the-heels publication taken over by her father following the War. After repeated attempts to rescue the Prophet from ignominy, Luna turned it into a monthly magazine for seers, astronomers, and astrologers, saying that predictions should really be its purpose, since it hadn't published a known truth since 1992. Due to the high recommendations of Seer Sybil Trelawney, who made it required reading for Hogwarts Divination students, the Monthly Prophet has enjoyed increased subscription rates and success ever since. Luna has since returned the control of the magazine to her father and moved to Romania to study dragons, and possibly dragon handlers, as she has been linked in the popular press with Charlie Weasley ever since.
-Neville Francis Longbottom, famous Herbologist, joined the staff of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry as Adjunct Professor of Herbology during the early years that Hogwarts was effected by the current baby boom. He has since replaced Pomona Sprout as Senior Professor, as she has now retired to write a book. His young wife, Gabrielle Delcouer Longbottom, swears that the Veela War broke out only when certain truths about Neville became known. This remains unverified, but it is suspicious that the War calmed down immediately upon his marriage to Madame Longbottom, who frequently smirks at other Veela in public while they glare furiously.
-Minerva McGonagall remains Headmistress of Hogwarts to this day. Although she has been noted to resign this post annually, she has never yet successfully so much as left the Head's Office after making the announcement.
-Rubeus Hagrid, former Game Keeper and Keeper of the Keys at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry retired from his duties to become head of the British Dangerous Beasts Preserve. There he spends his days wrestling trolls, holding long-distance Floo conversations with his wife Olympe Maxime of Beauxbatons, and keeping werewolf cubs from living under his bed.
-Remus John Lupin eventually married Auror Nymphadora Tonks. The small statue atop their wedding cake displayed a groom being dragged to the altar by his pink haired bride, and since Lupin's vows included the words "too old, too poor, and too dangerous", it is doubtful that a more reluctant bridegroom in all the wizarding world has been found since. However, the pleasures of matrimony have not been lost on him, as the couple have five children. Only one, young Sirius Lupin, demonstrates Nymphadora's metamorphmagus abilities. Remus lives and works at the British Dangerous Beast Preserve where he spends most of his time attempting to stop his children harassing his boss while their mother is away.
-Severus Snape resides in the Malfoy Memorial Wing for the Criminally Insane at Saint Mungo's Hospital. There he engages in a complex gambling pool with fellow inhabitants Percival Ignatius Weasley, Draco Malfoy, and Mundungus Fletcher over puddings.
-Dean Thomas is an artist of considerable note. His most famous works include the mural at the St. Mungo's Children's Wing, which displays St. Dumbledore handing out candy to a gaggle of happy children; the portrait of Harry Potter kept in the Minister of Magic's office entitled "I'm Watching You So Don't be Stupid"; and the surrealist work entitled "Better Luck Next Time" which appears to depict his wife, Lavender Brown Thomas, with a bright red muggle vacuum cleaner attached to her face.
-Seamus Finnigan was last seen at Heathrow Airport, studying a Muggle advertisment reading "Drink Canada Dry." He has not been heard from since.
-Fred and George Weasley, the entrepreneurs who gave us the Triple-W Wizarding Joke Shop, have taken the entire wizarding world by storm. In the early years following the War, the boys introduced magi-vision, a device that magically displays broadcasts of events and programs of interest to the public. Now, magical beings around the world can choose from several popular networks, including Q - all Quidditch, all the time, S - the muggle sit-com network, and T - documentary and learning programs offering an endless variety of teaching to wizards of all ages. The most popular, Network H, named in Honor of Helga Hufflepuff, is a food, cooking, and entertaining network, which features popular celebrity chefs, including their own mother, Molly Weasley. Their future plans include expansion, enhancement, and keeping their mother so busy she won't notice they've never settled down with nice witches - or even reasonably tolerable ones.
-Parvati Patil, with the help of her sister, Unspeakable Padma Patil, developed an advanced accommodation spell, and became the first witch in six centuries to marry a centaur. Firenze admits that he finds his wife fascinating, if human. They regularly correspond with Delores Umbridge, who is being held in a Muggle facility until the Witches Quarters of the Malfoy Memorial Wing for the Criminally Insane can be completed. Parvati states that she felt sad her former Professor could not attend their wedding, and sent her a thick packet of photographs from the event, enchanted indestructible to prevent the Professor hurting herself with one in her fits. She also encourages friends to assist in her program to cheer up the former Ministry witch, and collects photos from the Longbottoms, the Lupins, the Hagrids, and the various Weasley & Potter couples to send.
-William Arthur Weasley and Fleur Delacouer Weasley have become much involved in politics lately. Bill spends his time, together with his wife, campaigning for rights for wizarding part-humans, including werewolves, Veela, and various half-blood members of the community. They make exceptional spokespersons for the cause, as they both remain shockingly attractive, though he wears a mysterious mask over part of his face, and she has borne two children. Their best concession to date has been to force former Minister of Magic, Rufus Scrimgeour, to admit that he was indeed staring down Madame Weasley's cleavage and had heard not a word they said. The outraged demands for his resignation from British witches of all walks of life did not go unheeded, and he was replaced by Arthur Weasley, Bill's father, a man of great vigor and kindness, with a firm sense of responsibility evocative of the late Albus Dumbledore in his prime. The couple still operate a small consulting firm called Charming Charms to assist with curse-breaking work when needed.
-Former Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge has retired from public life and joined a small cult following the teachings of Stan Shunpike. Shunpike's membership is by invitation only. Little of their devotions is known, but rumor has it that a form of service practiced involves bragging outrageously about things that couldn't possibly be true. Both Luna Lovegood and her father have been known to frequently turn down invitations on the grounds that they wouldn't know what to brag about, as everything people believe in is probably true.
-Oliver Wood retired from Puddlemere United as the most successful Keeper the British Quidditch League has turned out in centuries. He has been in America since his retirement, trying to build up the Quidditch Leagues there, working particularly with the schools of Witchcraft and Wizardry to encourage youthful interest. He has been marginally successful, as his newly formed American team actually managed to make it to round two of the World Cup recently.
Albus Dumbledore, Sirius Black, James Potter, and Lily Evans Potter have remained dead to this day. However, many of Severus Snape's ravings inside the Malfoy Memorial Wing have been known to include such statements as "My hair is greasy, but at least it's not red!", "Black, Potter, give me back my knickers!" and, "If you give them any more candy, Albus, I won't be responsible for the consequences." Whether he is being haunted or this is another symptom of his insanity is unknown. However, if anyone has information on the location of thirty-seven pairs of bright green snake-print knickers and a years supply of sherbet lemons, last seen in St. Mungo's, please contact the Ministry of Magic.