Title: Whatever it Takes
Pairing: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester
Summary: Read Left Behind and Love Your Memory before this one. Sam has finally realized what matters in life, but could it be too late?
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural, nor do I know any of the actors that appear in this fic. This is just for my own entertainment and enjoyment.
Whatever it Takes
An annoyed sigh is released from Dean's slightly parted lips as his phone begins to ring for the thousandth time in a little over a week. He doesn't even have to look at his caller ID to know that it is Sam. His brother has been calling him non stop for the past week or so. A large part of him wants to find out why Sam is being so persistent to get a hold of him, but he hasn't allowed himself to answer any of Sam's calls.
He is tired of running to Sam every time he decides he just might want Dean in his life; doesn't want to put himself in that position anymore. He is tired of this carousel he finds them on, tired of always taking Sam back only to get hurt in the end once again. He doesn't know if his heart can take any more pain, it is far too damaged. Plus, Sam needs to learn that he can't leave whenever he feels like it and expect Dean to just be waiting patiently for him to come back. It just doesn't work that way. A person can only do that so many times before that option is taken away.
He is almost positive Sam is trying so hard to get in touch with him because he wants their relationship back. Sam has done it before, but Dean isn't going to be stupid enough to fall for it this time. Most of all, Dean just doesn't want to be left behind anymore. He would rather be alone, his choice for once, than to go through that heartache again. He has to put a stop to this; otherwise the pain will never end.
When his phone begins to ring almost right after it had finally shut up, just like he was expecting it would, he makes a decision and answers it after taking a deep, calming breath. He figures there is no point in putting off the inevitable, it would be best to get this over with as quickly and painlessly as possible.
Placing the cell phone against his ear, he lets out an audible sigh. "What do you want Sammy?"
"Damn Dean, I have been trying to get a hold of you." Simply the sound of Sam's voice pains Dean and he wonders if he can actually go through with this.
"Yeah, so I've noticed."
"Don't you ever answer your phone?" Sam asks in obvious frustration, but Dean can also detect a little nervousness in his tone.
"Not when I don't want to talk to someone." Dean replies rather bluntly, but instantly regrets it because this is Sam and he hates being mean to his brother. "Why'd you call Sam?"
"Dean, I need to talk to you. I know I may be the last person you want to speak to, but I really need to talk to you, it's important. I would much rather do this in person, though, if you don't mind."
Dean lets out a heavy sigh. The last thing he wants to do is see Sam, but he also knows this is one conversation that would best be done in person. Apparently they both have some important things to say to one another and that is just something they can't do over the phone.
"Alright, we can meet up if that's what you really want." Dean says after a few long moments of hesitation.
"I'll come to you." is Sam's instant response. "Where are you?"
"I'm in California, a small town called Yucca Valley. I'm staying at the Sands motel, you can meet me here. I'm in room eight." Dean says simply before shutting his phone with a resounding snap.
Running a hand down the length of his face, coming to a stop over his mouth, Dean tries his best to keep his emotions in check. That hasn't always been the easiest thing for him to do when it comes to Sam, but over the years he has learned how to hide his true feelings.
Throwing his body down into a lying position, Dean lies still and stares up at the ceiling. He wonders, not for the first time, if he has the strength to go through with this. Can he honestly put a stop to this on again, off again relationship he has had with Sam?
Doesn't matter if you have the strength, it's something you have to do. Dean silently reminds himself; knowing he can't take much more of this pain. Even when Sam is around he feels like he is drowning in his apathy, simply because he is constantly waiting for the moment his brother will walk out of his life again. Which is something that is bound to happen; Sam is always the one to walk away in the end.
Dean tries his damndest to sit still and wait for Sam, but all his attempts turn out to be futile. His veins are throbbing with nerves and his heart seems to be trying to win a marathon. All different scenarios of how this conversation could end keep playing in his mind and most of them show this whole thing ending badly.
He is also a little nervous about seeing Sam again after six months of being apart. He is hoping he doesn't lose his nerve because usually just the sight of his brother can make him forget everything else in the world. He doesn't want that to happen this time, though, because this is one thing he has to say to Sam. He won't allow himself to back out of this, not like he has done in the past with other issues.
His heart nearly ceases to beat when there is a knock on his door. He knows who is standing on the other side and just the thought sends his whole system out of whack. He tells himself it is now or never, though, and takes a calming breath before standing up. As casually as he can, he opens the door and lets Sam in.
Sam smiles the moment he lays eyes on his brother but Dean just looks away; unsure how to deal with the awkwardness of the moment. "It's good to see you Dean, I've missed you." Sam says softly as he shuts to door behind him.
"Funny how you'd say that, considering you're the one who left." Dean replies somewhat bitterly; unable to stop himself.
Sam lets out a sigh and motions to the table and chairs, wanting to sit down for this. Dean simply takes a seat and waits for Sam to do the same. As Dean waits for his brother to begin talking, he can't even look at Sam. Even just the sight of him is too much to handle. Part of him wants to beg Sam to stay, but the other part wants his brother to leave now rather than later.
"Look Dean, I'm really sorry for the way I left. I was being a coward and I know it. I just couldn't handle seeing that look on your face again." Sam says softly and Dean has to stop himself from huffing incredulously.
"Yeah, never expected to wake up to a note telling me you went back to Cali. That was a fucked up way to go Sam." Dean keeps his eyes on the floor as he says this, clenching his jaw as the pain he felt that day resurfaces.
"I know that, and I'm sorry Dean. I have never wanted to hurt you, but that's all I seem to do. You'll never know how sorry I am for everything, and I don't blame you if you don't believe that. I can't say anything that will justify my actions, I know I've been a prick this whole time, and all I can really say is I'm sorry. I know the last thing you probably want is an apology, but it's all I have left." Sam is trying to get Dean's attention, trying to get him to look at him at least, and finally Dean complies.
"You're right, I don't want an apology. I just want this to stop Sam; I don't know how much more I can take." Dean replies with a soft sigh, how tired he is of the situation shining through his eyes. "I just can't do this anymore. Having you here one day and then gone the next; it's killing me."
Tears fill Sam's eyes as he reaches for Dean's hand, but as soon as he makes contact Dean pulls his hand away as though he has been burned. Sam tries not to react to his brother's reaction, but the pain that action has caused shows on his face nonetheless.
Dean releases another sigh and looks at his brother. "Is that why you came here Sam, to apologize? Well, you've apologized, so you can be on your way now."
Sam has to hold back his tears at the sound of defeat in Dean's voice, he is getting the impression his brother is too far gone to be reached anymore. The fact that he may have destroyed his brother isn't sitting well with Sam and he is determined to bring Dean back at all costs; can't lose Dean like this.
"That's part of the reason I came here, but it wasn't the main reason." Sam responds with a clear desperation in his tone. "Dean, I realize I may be too late, but I needed you to know that I have finally realized what matters in my life. All this time I have been running away from my life, running away from you, but I realize now that you're the one thing I can't live without. I know now that I have loved you all along, I just never wanted to acknowledge it."
Dean stares at Sam for a few long moments, not saying anything or even moving. He can't quite believe that his brother is saying all of this, all the things he has longed to hear, and a part of him doesn't want to believe it; doesn't want to be let down again.
"You can't just come back into my life again Sam and expect everything to be forgiven." Dean responds finally and has to stand up and move away when he sees the desponded expression that takes over Sam's features.
He doesn't want to hurt his brother, it is the very last thing he wants to do, but he doesn't want to be hurt anymore either. He is tired of being deserted every time he turns around. Part of him doesn't want to let Sam back into his life. He knows there will always be a constant thought in the back of his mind, not wanting to fall asleep in fear that when he awakes he will find he has been abandoned once again.
He doesn't want to lose Sam, but he is beginning to realize that maybe he wasn't meant to have him in his life. As much as he hates to think it, maybe he truly is destined to be alone. It has always been a thought that has nagged at him, been right there at the back of his mind, that one day everyone was going to leave him. He just never thought the first person to go would be Sam.
"No, don't turn away from me Dean, please don't do that." Sam cries as he jumps up from his seat and grasps onto Dean's arm in obvious desperation. "I will do anything, Dean, for another chance. I am begging you here; please don't give up on me yet. I can do better; I will do better this time. I know I may be asking too much of you, but I am pleading with you here, don't turn your back on me. I'm sorry I didn't acknowledge or accept it sooner, but I truly am in love with you Dean. I am willing to do whatever it takes to get you back, just please give me that chance."
Dean looks up into Sam's eyes with his heart breaking in his own and silently shakes his head. There is nothing he would like more than to wrap his arms around his brother and open to his heart to him, but he is afraid that will be his downfall. Every time his brother leaves he is left with this desolate and aching pain deep in his heart, he refuses to go through such despair a third time around. Besides, there are only so many times he can go through this before he starts resenting his brother and the last thing he wants to happen is for there to come a day where he finds himself despising Sam.
"As much as I would love that Sam, I just can't take that chance again... I'm sorry." He whispers finally, averting his eyes downward away from Sam's pleading, hopeful eyes.
"Oh... yeah, alright then." Sam chokes out.
Dean's head snaps up when he hears the sniffle that follows Sam's choked out reply and his heart constricts when he sees the tears streaming down his brother's face. Knowing he is the cause of those tears just about tears him apart. All his life he has made it his responsibility to protect Sam, keep him from harm and pain, but now he is the cause of his brother's anguish.
"I really am sorry Dean, and I hope you know I love you." Sam practically whispers as he shifts from one foot to the other clearly in discomfort. "I... I guess I should go then. If you're ever in the San Francisco area, please drop by my apartment and at least say hi." Even as he says this Dean can tell Sam doesn't believe he will even consider it.
Without another word, Sam turns and heads toward the door. The melancholy expression on Sam's face eats at Dean's conscience and he knows he can't allow Sam to walk away like this. Instantly his resolve to end this whole situation vanishes and he finds himself doing the one thing he vowed not to. "Sam, wait."
Sam turns around at the sound of Dean's voice, a hopeful expression on his face. "Yeah?"
"I don't know if we can ever go back to having a relationship, but above everything else we are brothers. I think we should just go back to being brothers again." Dean says softly, a small smile climbing on his face. "We go back to that and just see where it goes; where it takes us. We'll probably find a relationship along the way, knowing us, but I think I could be happy with just being your brother too; if that's all we can ever have. So, what do ya say?"
"I say I'm willing to take whatever I can get." Sam says with that wide grin of his that Dean loves so much, and Dean is relieved to see it, he hates seeing his brother so sad. "I know you hate chick flick moments, but I have to hug you right now."
Dean laughs when he hears this, and when he opens his arms Sam slips into his embrace. Dean wraps his arms tightly around his brother and sighs in relief; finding it hard to believe he was just going to let his brother go so easily. Sam rests his head on Dean's shoulder and whispers, "thank you", over and over again like a mantra.
"Everything will be alright now Dean, you'll see." Sam says in a breathy whisper.
When tears threaten to escape, Dean buries his face against Sam's neck and closes his eyes tightly. Even though he is willing to give this one last try, a large part of him will constantly be expecting the day that Sam turns and walks away. With everything they have been through, Dean has come to realize that is the one thing Sam will always do in the end. But so long as Sam is with him for the moment, Dean is willing to live this lie.
Don't act like an angel
You're fallen again
You're no superhero
I found in the end
So lie to me once again
And tell me everything will be alright
Lie to me once again
And ask yourself before we say goodbye
Was it worth it in the end?
Lie to Me - 12 Stones
A/N: Alright, that's the end. So, what do you think? Was it a good enough ending?