TITLE: Sex, War, and Robots
DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon, Joss Whedon, Joss Whedon.
SETTING: Somewhere in the Sixth Season.
RATING: Call it a hard T.
Part One: Gayanimalsex
"Hey, how come we never get to fight the Chupacabra?" Andrew whined. "I mean, we get all these demons and vampires and monsters in Sunnydale... why not that one?"
"Stay focused on the task at hand," Warren commanded, pulling the blanket back from his latest creation. "This is the big league, boys. By harnessing M'Karnn talisman using my new satellite transmitter, I have successfully created the world's first functional... Gay Ray."
Jonathan took a moment to look at his self-declared leader like he had two heads and they both liked the idea of Greedo shooting first. "What?"
Warren snorted at the simpleton he had somehow found himself allied with. "It will send a signal into the air that will turn every other man in Sunnydale into a homosexual."
"Oh my God," Andrew sighed ecstatically. He was loving this plan already.
"...Which means that all the women in town will have no choice but to come to us," Warren sneered.
"Oh..." Andrew deflated a bit. "Right. Right, of course."
"Wait. What's to keep us from turning gay, too?" Jonathan asked skeptically.
"These pills," Warren replied, brandishing three sickly brown capsules. Of course, Jonathan's actually contained a small, dinosaur-shaped sponge that would grow exponentially on contact with liquid... but, hey, there are always has to be a test group, right?
"You've thought of everything, Warren," Andrew said with frank awe.
Warren nodded. "Of course I have, big guy. Now, everybody take your pills and let's fire up the machine."
The other two geeks agreed and prepared to take their pills. Jonathan reached for his nearby bottle of Steven Seagal's Lightening Bolt Energy Drink, but Warren stayed his hand. "It will only work if you swallow it quickly, in one shot," he explained. "No liquids."
"I can't even make a lot of spit and use that to help me swallow?" Jonathan asked, a little worried. He'd always had trouble swallowing pills dry.
Warren shook his head. "Not if you want to stay straight."
Jonathan nodded grimly. At the count of three, the Trio ingested their pills as one, then Warren flicked the switch.
There was a flash of lights, a flickering of static electricity, an intense feeling that something horrible was about to happen... it was like being in a really bad disco.
And then there was silence.
"Do you feel any different?" Warren asked Jonathan after a moment.
"No," the other geek replied.
Warren cursed inwardly, there should have been an immediate change. "You don't feel... swishier?"
"Why would I..." It was then that Jonathan realized what was up. "You gave me a placebo, didn't you?"
"What?" Warren replied, playing dumb. "N-no. Of course not."
"Yeah, Warren wouldn't do that," Andrew chimed in.
"Then we is he asking me that?" Jonathan demanded.
"I, uh, just want to make sure the pills work," Warren replied. Jonathan must be gay and closeted, he decided. The Ray certainly couldn't make him any gayer than he already was. "I was worried about you."
Jonathan, however, wasn't buying it. "Sure you were, Ard-tard. Let's just go outside and see if this machine of yours did anything," he growled, stroking his magic bone menacingly.
"Of course it did," Warren stammered. "My machines always work."
"Warren's machines never work," Buffy said distastefully. "And I really don't see why you're trying to rebuild the thing again anyway."
"It worked out pretty well as a Buffy decoy," Willow replied as she tried to piece the Buffybot's head back together. "I mean, when you were... well, you know... we even sent it Parent-Teacher conferences."
"I just hate looking at it," Buffy turned away. "But at least it can't talk."
Just then, the Buffybot's eye snapped open and incomplete head began to speak. "Oh! Other Buffy! I thought you were gone for good."
"So did I," Buffy mumbled.
"I've been thinking," the head said brightly. "You and I can share Spike. I mean, we're both the same person, so it's not really cheating!"
"Great," Buffy muttered, "it uses the same logic as Anya."
"Sorry about that," Willow said quickly. "I tried to remove all of that programming, but somehow when it gets hurt, the robot goes back to what it knows best."
"I bet Spike loves that," Buffy said bitingly.
"Um, actually, he hates it," Willow replied weakly. "I mean, he did, when you were... gone..." Willow paused, having a hard time saying the right thing. "I guess it just made everything harder for him... remembering what he couldn't have..."
Buffy nodded. There seemed to be no limit to the information about Spike she didn't want to hear lately.
"No, no, no!" Anya shrieked at the two cats she had placed on Xander's coffee table. "That's not how you do it at all!"
She hated dealing with the little beasts... far too close to bunnies for her tastes, but there simply was no choice in the matter. Bunnies were bunnies and profit was, by definition, something else entirely.
"Maybe this will help," Anya said, then began to sing "Loving you is easy, 'cos you're beautiful..."
Xander chose that moment to come home from work and look confused. This, of course, happened just about everyday in their household. "Hey, Anh... what's with the kitties?"
"They're being very bad kitties and refusing to have sex," she explained crossly.
"No, I mean... why are they in the apartment?" Xander replied with the tone most often employed when dealing with his fiancee: slightly bewildered confusion.
"Well, as you know kittens are used as currency in the demon world," Anya began, using her most business-like tone.
"Right," Xander inserted quickly, "but that's for demons. And since neither of us is going to become a demon again anytime soon..."
"You can't really be sure," Anya broke in. "I mean, remember what happened to Giles two years ago? I'm just trying to make sure that you and I are financially secure no matter what happens."
"No, that's smart," Xander agreed. "I'm just not sure that breeding cats is the answer."
"Oh, of course it is," Anya insisted. She didn't understand what Xander's problem was, but decided they would have to discuss it during their regular Tuesday Night Disciplinary Hearing. "I would have started doing it before I moved in, but my old place had a strict 'no pets' policy."
"This place has a strict 'no pets' policy," Xander pointed out.
"It doesn't matter anyway," she frowned. "I can't get them to have sex."
"Look, Anh," Xander said, trying his hand at reason. "I can totally understand your need to be cat millionaires, but we don't have space here in the apartment to start to a ranch."
Anya looked defeated for a moment, then was struck with a brilliant plan. "We can use Buffy's house! We can have our main kitten farm in the basement, and in the backyard we can keep the free-range kittens!"
"Right, of course," Xander said as examined each of his new cats. "I was stupid to even question you."
"Of course you were," Anya replied confidently. "The man who sold these to me said they were prime egg-layers."
Xander nodded. He wondered how Buffy would deal when Anya told her that the Summers family home was now the future site of the Sunnydale Kitten Farm.
After spending the whole day searching the town for any signs of rampant homosexuality, the Trio resigned themselves to drowning their sorrows at the Bronze.
"I-I don't understand it," Warren shook. "All the calibrations were right, the design was strong... this town should be one big musical comedy right now."
"We already did that, remember?" Jonathan pointed out. "And I'm not in any hurry to do it again."
"I don't know," Andrew breezed in. "I thought we made an awesome boy band."
"No one's questioning that," Jonathan answered. "But we can't deny that Warren's Amazing Gay Ray was a complete wash."
"Well, of course it was," Spike said, stepping out of the shadows.
"He owns the night," Andrew gasped in awe. "Like Darkwing Duck."
"You can't just change someone's shagging patterns by flipping a switch," Spike continued, ignoring Andrew completely in what would become the pattern for all of their future exchanges. "They have to want it and you have to prove that you're the right person in the right place at the right time to give it to them. And sometimes," he confided, "that is an uphill battle.
"But it's always worth it," he concluded.
The Trio took a moment to consider his words.
"Yeah... that kind of sounds like a lot of work," Andrew mumbled.
Spike shrugged. "You could just get the whole town drunk. Homosexual population triples when alcohol's involved."
Warren slumped into himself. "I just can't believe my machine didn't do anything."
Spike smiled. "Oh, it did something all right. I felt it."
As one, the Trio went white with fear. "What..." Jonathan began.
"You're little machine sent a dog whistle through every dead thing in Sunnydale..." Spike's eyes seared into them evilly. "And now you need to ask yourselves: what's going to come calling?"
The Trio looked at each other, and suddenly realized they all had to use the men's room simultaneously.
Spike just smiled and downed another drink.
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