Title: 5 Ways Ranger Will Never Propose to Stephanie
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1751
Pairing/Charcter: Ranger/Stephanie
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Janet Evanovich. I'm only borrowing for fun.
Summary: I looked around for the cameras, waiting for Ashton Kutcher to pop out from behind the bar to tell me I'd gotten Punk'd.
Spoilers/Warnings: No big ones but up to Lean Mean Thirteen just to be safe.
Author's Note: I cannot get enough of this 5 Things prompts, in any fandom. It's like they write themselves! My first foray back into the Stephanie Plum world in a loooong time – please let me know what you think!

I nodded. "I'm okay now. Am I red and blotchy from crying?"

"Yes," Ranger said, brushing a kiss across my forehead. "I love you anyway."

"There's all kinds of love," I said.

Ranger took me by the hand and led me back to the SUV. "This is the kind that doesn't call for a ring. But a condom might come in handy."

"That's not love," I told him. "That's lust."

He was scanning the crowd as we walked and talked, watching for Spiro, watching for anything unusual. "In this case, there's some of both."

"Just not the marrying type?"

We'd reached the car, and Ranger remoted it open. "Look at me, Babe. I'm carrying two guns and a knife. At this point in my life, I'm not exactly family material."

"Do you think that will change?"

Ranger opened the door for me. "Not anytime soon."

-- pg 195, Eleven on Top: Janet Evanovich

i.

The December wind cut through me as I hustled out of my car and into my building. It hadn't been a good day but, then again, it hadn't been a bad day. I guess the best word to describe it would be typical – skips resisted me, Lula threatened to stun a particularly wily skip, and lunch at my parents went haywire. I arrived home feeling depressed, covered in spaghetti sauce and something I wasn't sure I wanted identified.

The only thing I wanted more than a hot shower and clean hair was a nap in my bed. Maybe forever.

The minute I stepped in my foyer, I saw Ranger sitting in a chair in my living room. I mentally sagged – lately, we've been giving in to the mutual sexual attraction on a frequent basis and it's been good but recently, he's been a little bit distant, a little bit on edge and I knew something heavy was weighing on his mind. Everytime I saw him, I was half expecting the this-doesn't-mean anything speech, maybe with a few I-told-you-I-don't-do-relationships and a go-back-to-Morelli thrown in there for good measure. And when it didn't come, I always felt like I got a stay of execution. But the air in my apartment felt different today. Today was the day. And it definitely wasn't something I could handle right now.

"Babe."

"It wasn't my fault." I took off my jacket and sat gingerly on my couch, across from him. He was dressed in black and his hair was growing out, falling across his forehead, shadowing his eyes. I felt an urge to hide in his strong arms and sat on my hands.

"What's wrong?" he asked me. I bit my lip to keep the tears pooling in my eyes from falling. Everything suddenly seemed messed up.

"Nothing. I had a bad day."

"Sure," Ranger shrugged. "That's not new. What's with the tears?"

"I think you should go," I said, standing, needing to get out of the living room, to get as far from him as possible. His posture radiated tension and I knew what was coming.

"What?"

"Look, Ranger, I know you're here to give me the speech about how your love doesn't come with a ring or something. And I just can't do that today. So consider your message received and I'll see you at the office tomorrow." I was leaning over the sink, my back to him. I heard him stand up and then nothing. I wasn't surprised. He was the Man of Mystery. I wrapped my arms around myself and let myself cry.

"Babe." His hand touched my shoulder.

I jumped, furiously wiping the tears on my face. "Jesus Christ Ranger!"

"You thought I was here to break up with you?"

I grabbed a tissue and blew my nose. Real sexy, Stephanie I told myself. "Aren't you?"

"No," he shook his head, his eyes serious but his mouth amused. "The opposite, in fact."

"What?" The only opposite of breaking up with someone that I could think of was …

"Marry me Stephanie." Ranger dropped to one knee, right there in my small, dirty apartment and produced a velvet box that held the most beautiful ring I'd ever seen.

"I thought you didn't do marriage," I gaped, my eyes quickly filling with tears again.

"I thought so too," Ranger said wryly. "Are you gonna give me an answer or should I stay down here on the floor forever?"

"Yes," I said, getting down on the floor with him. "Yes."

ii.

"A salad? We're at Pino's and you ordered a salad?" I rolled my eyes. "That is why I could never marry you."

Ranger almost smiled at me. "That's the reason you couldn't marry me?"

I took a sip of my beer. It was at least my second and my tongue was far too loose already. "That and you don't see marriage as an option," I pointed out.

"And if I did?"

My heart stopped beating for a second. When it started again, it was working overtime, beating at twice the normal rate. "But you don't."

"Humor me, babe."

I threw caution to the wind. I was going to regret this later, I was sure. "I'd marry you in a heartbeat," I answered truthfully.

Ranger nodded, his eyes soft. "Ok. How's tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow for what?"

"To get married."

I blinked at him slowly. Just how big of a lightweight was I? I must be drunker than I thought. "You want to marry me? Tomorrow? Is this some sort of joke?" I looked around for the cameras, waiting for Ashton Kutcher to pop out from behind the bar to tell me I'd gotten Punk'd.

"No. Marry me babe."

I took a long look at the man across from me. His eyes were serious and only someone who knew him well would see the anxiety in his face, the nervousness he felt as he waited for answer. He loved me, I realized with a start. He really loved me. I leaned across the scarred table and kissed him, right in the middle of Pino's. "Ok."

iii.

I was asleep in Ranger's bed, dressed in one his t-shirts and blue lacy panties. His sheets smelled like him, even when he was away on business, and I missed him.

I woke up to the bed slanting, the moonlight highlighting Ranger as he slipped under the covers with me. "I'm glad you're ok," I mumbled to him.

"I'm glad you're in my bed," he replied, pulling me flush against his almost naked body. I settled on his chest, breathing him in, smiling against his skin. "I want to make this permanent," he continued.

I looked up at him. "You want me to move in with you?" I asked. I'd probably say yes, I decided. I spent most nights here anyway. Even Rex liked it better here.

"No." Ranger said. "I want you to marry me."

"Seriously?" I asked, a grin spreading across my face.

"Seriously. What do you say?"

I straddled Ranger, pulling my t-shirt over my head. "Do I get access to your credit cards?" I asked playfully.

Ranger grinned back, a full on, actual grin. He reached for me but I shimmed back, out of his grasp. It did more to encourage him than deter him, I noticed as his grin became lecherous. "Do I get sole access to your body?" I pushed, leaning down on him, letting my nipples slide across his chest.

He groaned. "You already have it babe. Mind, body, and soul."

I pretended to contemplate it while nibbling on his neck. "I think I may need some convincing," I said, breathing into his ear.

Ranger flipped us so I was underneath him. "Convincing, huh?"

"Yeah. Like I might need to test drive you before I buy you forever."

"You've been test driving for months, babe," Ranger pointed out but his hands were already skimming my body, going lower and lower.

"True," I moaned as Ranger slipped a finger inside me. He continued working his magic until I was panting hard and then he stopped. I made a noise of displeasure and he asked, "What's your answer?"

"Yes," I shouted, laughing. "I'll marry you."

His fingers were replaced by something even better. "Mine," he growled as he began thrusting. "Mine," he said again when I shattered into pieces underneath him.

iv.

Well, this sucks, I thought, holding the stick that declared me pregnant. How am I going to tell Ranger?

Turns out I didn't have to. He knocked and opened the bathroom door. "You ok, Steph? You've been in here a long time." When I didn't answer, he opened the door wider and saw me sitting on the covered toilet, the pregnancy test in my head.

"What's this?" He leaned against the door jam, looking dangerous and sexy and nothing like a father, even though he already was one. I thought briefly of Julie, down in Miami, Ranger nothing more than a voice over a telephone line. Would my baby end up that way?

"I'm pregnant," I said. I wanted to cry but there weren't any tears, just numbness.

Ranger looked back at me impassively.

"Shit," I swore softly. Ranger still said nothing.

After a few minutes of silence, I couldn't stay quiet anymore. "I have to keep it Ranger," I whispered. "I'm Catholic and the guilt and I just – I can't do that. I'm sorry."

Ranger nodded. "We'll go down to City Hall tomorrow. Make it official. You can move in afterwards."

I finally felt the tears prick behind my eyes. He was going to do right by us. "Thank you," I said and he put his arms around me – us.

v.

I was absolutely stuffed but I couldn't not have Rossini's tiramisu. It was the best thing on the menu! Ranger shook his head slightly when I ordered it but said nothing. Probably knew there was no way he could deter me. And he probably wanted to watch me eat it.

The waiter brought it out on a silver platter, covered by a small silver dome, just like in the movies. He left it in front of me and I looked at Ranger, as if to say, what is this guy doing?

I reached out to pull off the small silver cover but Ranger's hand shot out and stopped me. "Steph," he said and I looked up sharply. Ranger never called me Steph. "Steph, I love you, you know that, right?"

I nodded. He didn't tell me often but he showed me almost every day. He cleared his throat and was Ranger nervous? "I know you think that my kind of love isn't the kind that comes with marriage or a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence and kids. And for a long time, it didn't. But I can't imagine not growing old with you, not waking up to you every morning, not supporting you as you figure out another impossible mystery. I want whatever life with you that you'll give me. If that means kids and soccer games on the weekend and scaling back my business, I'll do it. I will do anything for you babe." He lifted the silver cover off the platter and there was no dessert. Only a plate with a ring on it. "Marry me, Stephanie Plum."

I cried as he slipped the ring on my finger. I may not have gotten dessert that night but I got something much better.

A life, forever, with Ranger.