"So You Want to Be a Master Duelist"
Kaiba was almost ready to drum his head against the nearest wall, composure be damned. He grimaced through the pain instead. "Get on with it, Yuugi!"
Yami no Yuugi was lost in silent contemplation, staring down at the cards held in his hands. His gaze flicked occasionally off to the side as though watching someone as they spoke. A sudden glint of determination struck his features and he laid his hand confidently on his deck. "I have faith in my deck, Kaiba, and in the Heart of the Cards!"
"Just play the damned card!"
A gasp of shock came from their only audience member. "Watch it, Kaiba!" Jounouchi shot to his feet from behind his desk and glared at his best friend's opponent.
"It's alright, Jounouchi," Yami no Yuugi assured. "For I have drawn...! Change of Heart!" He slapped the card down on their makeshift playing surface. "With this card, I can take control of--"
"One of my monsters, yes," Kaiba said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Which you'll sacrifice with that obnoxious little furball to summon Dark Magician."
Yami no Yuugi seemed to wilt a little bit. "Well... yes. I mean no! For I shall take control of your Vorse Raider and together, with my Kuriboh, summon..." He shuffled through his hand of cards for a moment. "Summon... Aha!" A card was plucked triumphantly from his hand and presented to Kaiba with a flourish. "I shall summon Silly Putty Lvl 1!"
"What?" Even Jounouchi had to echo Kaiba's confused look. "Never heard of that one, Yuugi."
"That's because it doesn't exist!" Kaiba snapped.
"Yes it does, right here!" Yami no Yuugi protested, pointing at the card. "See? Silly Putty Lvl 1!" A holographic blob of pink gave a weak little warble. "And due to it's effect, if summoned by two tribute summons, I can sacrifice it to special summon...! Silly Putty Lvl 4!" A slightly larger holographic blob of pink gave a slightly louder weak little warble.
Jounouchi blinked. "That's... ah, that's really something else there, Yuugi." He leaned in and peered a bit closer at the blob. Something that might have been an eyeball oozed slowly off to the side. "Really."
"Just... just get on with it," Kaiba said weakly. A fierce ache was starting to pulse behind his temples. His Blue Eyes White Dragon ruffled its wings and roared in puzzled challenge at the misshapen mass on the opposite side of the tiny playing field.
"Go! Silly Putty Lvl 4! Attack Kaiba's Blue Eyes with 'Messy Newspaper Print Transfer!'" The pink mass slowly gathered itself and lurched forward, draping messily over Kaiba's dragon. It let out another one of those sick sounding little warbles and oozed off and back to its side of the field. The Blue Eyes White Dragon was left coated with various newspaper headlines, print faded and almost indistinct. It blinked and twisted around to glance up at Kaiba. The letters W, T, and F were, oddly enough, clearly seen imprinted across its forehead.
Yami no Yuugi barely contained a smirk as he gazed across the playing field. "Your move, Kaiba!"
Jounouchi and Kaiba exchanged another set of puzzled looks. Jounouchi was the first to risk speaking. "Um... Yuugi... his monster's still there. What'd it do?"
Yami no Yuugi's brow creased in concern. "I believe I announced my attack quite clearly, Jounouchi. 'Messy Newspaper Print Transfer.'"
"Well... yeah, but what'd it do?"
"Absolutely nothing," Kaiba seethed. "There's no data on that little monstrosity over there. No defense or attack points listed, none of its special attacks listed either." He glared at Yami no Yuugi. "If you're going to insist on making up monsters, at least make the extra effort to include the actual card data along with the hologram in the database."
"It's all part of my strategy!" Yami no Yuugi insisted. "You'll see!"
It was almost a snapping point, right there, but Kaiba held himself together through sheer stubbornness. "Blue Eyes," he said through tightly grit teeth, "attack the damned Putty."
"Attack Silly Putty...Lvl 4."
The Blue Eyes White Dragon screamed its challenge and unleashed its most powerful 'Neutron Burst Stream,' a massive (little) fireball hurtling across the field. It struck the Putty dead center, scattering the offending blob into digital shards. "There! Now play a--"
Digital shards began to form back together and another blob squatted on Yami no Yuugi's side of the field.
"--real monster," Kaiba finished weakly.
"You've activated Silly Putty Lvl 4's special ability!" Yami no Yuugi crowed triumphantly. "Whenever it is attacked and destroyed, I can special summon Silly Putty Lvl 8!"
Jounouchi was busy digging through the little handheld device that would connect him to the Kaiba Corporation Card Database, Kaiba Corp's latest stab at making money from the card game. "Yuugi, that thing ain't in here. No where."
"That's because it! Does! Not! Exist!" Kaiba was close to a meltdown. His fists were clenched into tight knots at his sides and his teeth ground hard enough to make his jaws ache. "Give me that!" he snapped to Jounouchi and snatched the data device away. He ignored Jounouchi's sullen protest and tapped furiously on the keys for a moment until rewarded with a perky little 'ding!' "Here." Kaiba thrust the data device back at Jounouchi.
Yami no Yuugi cleared his throat. "Now, if you are quite done, I believe it is my turn."
"No, it isn't. I set two cards to my magic/trap zones." Kaiba glared at his opponent. "Now. It's your turn."
Yami no Yuugi huffed for a moment. "Well. With my Silly Putty Lvl 8, I shall put an end to this duel, Kaiba, and teach you the truth about the Heart of the Cards! I draw my card! And now, thanks to Silly Putty Lvl 8's special ability, I can summon Silly Putty Lvl 1 back to the field! Together, with Polymerization, I combine them both into Ultimate Super Silly Putty!" Yami no Yuugi thrust a hand in Kaiba's direction. "And now! In the name of the Heart of the Cards, I shall punish you! Ultimate Super Silly Putty, use your greatest attack, 'Nubbins Clinging To The Carpet That Refuse To Come Up No Matter How Much You Scrub!'"
The lumbering monstrosity shattered into a multitude of warbling pink bits, all of them floating laboriously to the Blue Eyes White Dragon. The dragon, for it's part, fought back valiantly, swatting and snapping and blasting what it could before it was smothered beneath a pile of mewling chunks of pink.
"Uh oh," Jounouchi said.
"I activate the trap card Deus Ex Machina. It lets me stop an attack from any source and summon a monster from wherever I want, regardless of summon requirements." Kaiba placed a card on the field. "And I chose to summon Blue Eyes Ultimate Hydra." The former Blue Eyes White Dragon seemed a bit confused to pop back into existence sporting a sudden profusion of extra heads. All seven swiveled around to look up at Kaiba and then back at the Ultimate Super Silly Putty.
"That card doesn't exist," Yami no Yuugi protested. "Neither of them do."
"My Hydra is every bit as real as your Putty," Kaiba purred. "Blue Eyes Ultimate Hydra, attack the damned Putty." A toothy grin crossed each and every tiny dragon face. "Use your special attack, 'I Win The Duel.'"
And he did.
The Blue Eyes Ultimate Hydra let loose a proud chorus of chirps and faded away along with the rest of the playing field. Kaiba reached down and snapped up the test equipment. "Thank you for helping me test my new portable playing field," Kaiba said smoothly, folding the little field until it fit neatly in his briefcase. "The holograms respond smoothly and the card data integrates properly with the new Kaiba Corp Card Database. The rare cards I promised will be mailed to your Grandfather's Game Shop."
Yami no Yuugi stared blankly at the now empty school desk. "But... but... but..."
"Have a nice day," Kaiba said with a sharp grin.
Jounouchi waved as Kaiba left. "I tried to warn you Yuug, about playing those cards that don't exist. One of these days, somebody's gonna play one right back at you..."