Who raped Sasuke?
Hey there, everyone. Now, before you read this, I'd better tell you how this came to be written, in the first place:
Once upon at time, there was a certain yaoi-loving girl by the name of Shawna. Now, Shawna was pissed off at the lack of funny yaoi vids on YouTube, so she created a robot that could write good, funny yaoi scripts to be played out. She called this robot the Yaoibot5000.
She then set it the task of writing a hilariously random yaoi script. After two days of gruelling suspense, they Yaoibot5000 printed out the script that Shawna had ordered it to write. The script involved various Naruto characters, and was utterly outrageous. Next, she, and her gangsta dawg Vlad (and the Yaoiboy5000) gathered together a selection of weird-looking dolls who would from then on represent a given character in this script.
(At some point in time, this script will be played out in a YouTube video, but for know, nobody really knows when thet'll be, seeing as we're out of working digital cameras to record it on, sadly.)
Narrator: Once upon a time, in a land called Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, Aka Timbucktwo, Aka Bangledesh, Aka Wiz Stalker, Aka Vall's backyard, also, for the time being, known as Konoha, there lived a small, angry, vengeful, dark-haired, emotionally disturbed child by the name of prissy sissy Sasuke.
Sasuke: HEY! I'M OFFENDED BY THAT! BESIDES! I'm special ... my Mommy says so!
Narrator: So, Sasuke was merely minding his own business, when he was approached by a bright purple van. Out of the van stepped a creepy, old, boy-hungry pedophile. He seemed unusually interested in Sasuke.
Sasuke: Woah, who are you?
Orochimaru: Hey, you - you want some candy?
Sasuke: HAH! Crazy pedophile, you can't lure me into your sick, twisted trap! -pause- ... what kind of candy ...?
Orochimaru: Oh, you know, the good shit, the good shit ... rockets ... poprocks ... gummi worms ... oh, and lots of whipped cream ...
Sasuke: Where may I find this "whipped cream" you speak of?
Orochimaru: It's in the van, c'mon.
Sasuke: OKAY! -gets in van with Orochimaru-
- Cut scene
Narrator: Tsunade was innocently seated at her desk, in her office, doing her super-important hokage paperwork of damnation, that involved absolutely no alcohol intake whatsoever. Suddenly, her door was thrown open.
Sasuke: RAPE! -runs around in naked circles, screaming like a prepubescent girl-
Tsunade: ... Uhh ... yeah, big faceful of alien wing-wong ...
Sasuke: ... what the hell?!
Tsunade: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY OFFICE, NAKED?!
Sasuke: I'm here because I was RAPED! ... besides, this is good practice for when I later join a nudist colony and get married to Naruto, when I'm 87.5 years old.
Tsunade: ... woah, hey, sexy, guess what? ...
Tsunade: Giggle... my boobs ...
Sasuke: ... yeah, I-
Tsunade: Lookit them ... they're so big ... and round ... and-
Sasuke: FIND A HAPPPPPPY PLAAAAACE!
Tsunade: and squishy ... and squeezable ... and perky ... and non-wrinkly ...
Sasuke: Yeah, about that, I-
Tsunade: LOOK AT MY BOOBS WHEN I'M TALKING ABOUT THEM!
Sasuke: Get the hell away from me!
Tsunade: LOOK AT THEM! Touch them, feel them, squeeze them! Who knows, I might even let you bury your face in them! ... touch them, my young lover! You know you want to! You know you love them!
Sasuke: -bitch-slaps- Get it through your skull, you drunk whore, I LIKE MEN!
- Cut scene
Narrator: You may think Sasuke might've been ridiculed, or at least stalked, for running naked through Konoha nude, but, alas, this exact day just so happens to be Konoha's annual skinny-dipping day, so everyone is naked anyways.
Ino: God Choji! Stop staring at my chest, you pervert!
Choji: I'm not sta-
Sakura: You haven't got anything there to stare at!
Ino: You can't talk, billboard-brow! Your forehead is way wider than your chest!
Sakura: Well you're an underdevelopped skank!
Ino: Am not!
Sakura: Are too!
Naruto: Ladies, ladies-
Sakura: Stay outta this, dunce!
Ino: Yeah, shortie! What do you know about women's bodies anyway? Last I heard you were gay!
Sakura: I heard that too!
Naruto: Sigh Ino, Sakura-chan, personally, I think your breasts are of fine proportions, bigger than mine, to say the least, however, I definately prefer Sasuke's.
Sakura: Sasuke-kun does not have breasts! ... does he?
Naruto: No, no, he's flat-chested, really muscular, but his nipples are far more suckable than either of yours ... no offense ...
Sakura: I bet you're lying! You'd never have a chance with Sasuke-kun!
Ino: Forehead-cow, I actually agree with you, for once.
Narrator: Naruto, not knowing what else to say in the situation, just gave a sigh and muttered;
Naruto: Eh, what they don't know can't hurt 'em.
Sakura: "Forehead-cow"?! Why you?! Flat-chested bitch!
Ino: You won't be saying that for long! My mom's letting me get implants! She says I can have them when pigs fly ... I wonder when that'll be ...
Sakura: You are a pig, and that means you have six nipples!
Ino: Uh! You so did not go there, girlfriend!
Sakura: Girlfriend? So you're a lesbian now?
Narrator: Meanwhile, Choji was having trouble getting Ino's attention.
Choji: Ino ...
Ino: What you say is what you are, mutant-forehead!
Choji: To solve the entire argument, I wasn't staring at you. I was staring at the sexy hot dog stand behind you ... they're so long ... they're so long one might not fit in my mouth ...! I'll bet all that grease will help it slide in and out easier ...
- Cut scene
Narrator: Our mighty hero was spending his skinny-dipping day pouting in the kiddie pool, watching all the sexy little boys splash about in the water, sopping wet hair sticking to their foreheads, droplets of water trickling down their bare chests, their nude bodies contrasting vividly against the clear blue water. Suffice to say, Orochimaru felt something growing inside of him, and you sure as hell could tell, just by cautioning a glance underwater.
Kisame: -is swimming nude near Orochimaru-
Orochimaru: -sees movement underwater. Kabuto? Is that you, bringing me my scrapbook of pictures I've taken of all the little boys I've met over the years?
[The Kisame theme starts.
Orochimaru: And while you're at it, would you mind bringing me my Sasuke-kun plushie? I miss him, and I want something to -cough- snuggle.
Kisame: -bites Orochimaru.
Orochimaru: -eyes widen- Well. It appears that someone has bitten my penis ... and it feels good ...
Kisame: -surfaces, coughing and choking-
Narrator: Unbeknownst to Orochimaru, Kisame had bitten his dick in an attempt to eat him, but wound up scarred for life after tasting a mouthful of think, long, black pubic hair. You could make a blanket out of it. I'm serious.
Kisame: -coughs up a hairball-
Orochimaru: Oh, so this is what the doctor was telling me about. This is what happens when I don't braid my pubic hair.
- Cut scene
Narrator: Sasuke ran to the only other person he could think of to consult about his mind-scarring experience. He ran through Konoha, searching for this person, nude amongst the other naked people in the village, screaming like a little girl and flailing his arms in the air ridiculously. He finally spotted his saviour, ignoring two grotesque, nauseating scenes as he walked by; Choji trying to deep-throat a hot dog, and Ino and Sakura engaged in a fierce, fiery battle ... of tongues.
Sasuke: Naru-chan, I was raped!
Naruto: ... you were? Really?
Naruto: Really, truly?
Sasuke: Yes, dipshit.
Naruto: D'you know who did it?
Sasuke: I don't know his name.
Naruto: Describe him.
Sasuke: I can't remember his face, but I know his penis had a large mole and a single hair on it. I felt them every time he trusted into me ...
Naruto: Wow. Who ever heard of a dick with one hair on it?
Sasuke: Ooh, all this talk of cocks is turning me on ...
Naruto: I agree, Sasuke-kun ... -kisses Sasuke-
- Cut scene
Narrator: Upon leaving the two happily hormone-driven boys to their happily hormone-driven fun, one might happen to stumble across a certain white-haired novelist searching for "inspiration", as usual. Suffice to say; what better day that the anuual Konoha skinny-dipping day, then to go out and gape at naked, wet women, and possibly some hot, steamy water sex?
Jiraiya: Is dressed as a bush. Yeah, baby, move your arm ... c'mon, move your arm ... MOVE YOUR GODAMN ARM, YOU BITCH! Oh, damn, I think she saw me ... just look away ... look away ... YES! ... ah, she's looking at me again ...
[There is giggling and kissing noises from the hot tub, to the right.
Jiraiya: Creeps over and looks into hot tub. Ehehehe ... NARUTO! ... take that out of your mouth, you brat! ... You don't know where that's been! ... You don't know how many other people have had that in their mouth! ... It's probably filthy! ... Eww! ... OH MY GOD! He just ejeculated in your mouth, you moron! D'you not know what that is?! Spit it out, you dirty child! ... Jesus, I don't wanna watch that ... Ew ... okay, now they're talking to eachother ... aww, they're being all mushy and lovie-dovie ... this is getting boring ... I'm gonna go and get myself a whore ... SO LONG, YOU GAY HORNDOGS!
- Cut scene
Narrator: After 16 climaxes each, the boys decided to carry this somewhere else. Like maybe the deep end of the pool. So, they happily made their way to the main pool for some careless, unprotected, fufilling, satisfying animal sex, before Sasuke saw a farmiliar face.
Sasuke: IT'S YOU?!
Orochimaru: Yes, Sasuke-kun, it is I.
Naruto: Who is it, Sassy-kun?
Sasuke: The guy who raped me! ... and I thought I asked you to only call me that when we're alone?
Naruto: Really, truly?
Sasuke: WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP?!
Naruto: You should wear more silk. Or leather. Yeah, leather.
Sasuke: How does that relate to anything?
Naruto: Fishnet, too.
Sasuke: You know, your stupidity is arousing me. My dick is twitching with just that stupid look on your face.
Narrator: Suddenly, Naruto was hit with a dart containing a powerful aphrodesiac. Naruto and Sasuke made aggressive, passionate love for the rest of the day, until they finally passed out due to lack of air, as a result of extensive periods of open-mouth kissing.
Orochimaru took a few pictures, then moved on to another village to screw some new, fresh underage boys. He never did get tagged for the rape of Sasuke because Naruto kept Sasuke way too busy. Thanks go to the horndog magic of the Sex Fairy, who shoots either of them with a sex intensifying dart whenever one of them remembers that Orochimaru is still alive, free, and raping little boys like forever before.
Ino and Sakura are still together, and go at it almost as often as Sasuke and Naruto do.
Jiraiya wrote a whole new series of Icha Icha Paradise books based on what he saw between Sasuke and Naruto that very day, and made lots and lots of cash, to buy lots and lots of strippers and whores, and soon became the infamous 'J-Daddy', resident Konoha P.I.M.P.
Kisame overheard Orochimaru talking to himself about braiding his pubic hair, so now Kisame has set the world record with his 6'7'' braid. He often uses it as a whip whenever he manages to bed Itachi, who is intensely disgusted by the braid, and cut it off. Kisame then commited suicide, thinking his life wasn't worth living without his beautiful braid.
Choji choked on the hot dog he had been preforming oral sex on, but only after he explained that he was just getting used to having that in his mouth, considering he had recently had fantasies about Oscar Mayer, The Burger King, and Shikamaru. Little did he know, that Shikamaru had been reduced to screwing deer, upon realizing that the only chance he had with anyone was with either Choji or Ino. I don't blame him. That's one harsh choice.
After having sex with every single person in Konoha, and getting multiple cases of AIDS, herpies, pubic lice, and bacterial vaginosis, Tsunade, having had sixty-nine different kinds of plastic surgery preformed to herself in the span of two months, died soon after she stepped down from her job as Hokage, and offered the job to Naruto, who graciously accepted, and has declared every day Konoha skinny-dipping day, and bangs Sasuke in his big, Hokage waterbed, every night.
This video is brought to you by VSK, the only threesome the practises the exuberance of youth! Yep, that's right, VSK stands for Vlad, Shawn, and Kayden. Now, as the anonymous announcer dude of doom, I would like to proudly introduce our voice actors and actresses! In order of appearance:
The narrator is played by the super red-headed ninja Kayden!
Our resident emo avenger 'bad-boy,' Uchiha Sasuke is played by our own Vlad, who is bringing sexy back!
Next we have everyone's favourite snake pervert, who can do creepy things with his tongue, Orochimaru played by the great, the mighty, Kayden!
Alright! Now we have the gambling drunk of a Hokage Tsunade, played by the awesome Shawn!
Next to be introduced is the blonde bombshell with six nipples, Yamanaka Ino! Played by the incredibly sexallicious Shawn!
And now, we have the 'big-boned' ninja with swirlies on his cheeks, Akimichi Choji, played by the smexy Vlad!
Naruto, the main character/Sasuke's sex slave was played by our equally blonde, equally submissive Shawn!
Next is our pink-haired tyrant Haruno Sakura, played by the incredible Vlad.
Kisame (who's only line in the entire vid was the noble act of choking on Orochimaru's pubes) was played by Vlad!
We all know we love the uber-awesome novelist perversion of teh awesomely awesome Jiraiya, who was played by Kayden the great.
Annnnd finally, the one who brought this all together, Kayden, also known as Yaoibot5000! Yes, that's right, the Yaoibot5000's identity has been revealed to be me, Kayden the great!
-No, really, this is the end. You can all go now. Bye.-