A skinny, and more than a little sleazy, Caucasian man stumbled in, his light brown hair covered by a baseball cap he had on backwards. "Fine, I'm here! What am I here for again?"
"Damn it, Randall! Just say your lines," yelled a voice from off stage.
"Lines? I knew I forgot something. Hey, weren't you suppose to remind me about all this crap?"
"I did! I told you a week ago that you were supposed to make sure you had your lines down, I told you three days ago that it was only a couple of days from now and you should memorize them, so you wouldn't freeze up, and last night I reminded you that you had to perform in the morning, so you should get to sleep early."
"Well, yeah, but did you tell me it was important?"
"I told you it was important three weeks ago when you volunteered for this gig. I said 'Hey, Randall. This is an important gig, it could lead to big things for us, so please don't Censored it up!'."
"Yeah, but have you told me that lately?" Randall nodded at the frustrated scream from off stage. "So, in the end, it's really your fault that I am completely unprepared. I can't believe you let me down like this. I mean, you are the one person I depend on in this life to keep me from Censored up, and you're falling down on the job."
A slightly overweight man who looked like a Gen-Xer that wished he was a Boomer, with a bizarre, tiny, dark beard, (that looked like a goatee that had climbed half way up his face to merge with his mustache) stomped onscreen. "I can't believe you're making me do this. You only have a couple of lines and they said you were free to adlib, as long as it got the point across. Why can't you remember it?"
Randall rolled his eyes. "Come on, Dante, just tell me the lines and we'll head off for breakfast."
"Fine! The author doesn't own any of the intellectual property belonging to anything set in Jersey, Japan, or the United States of America. There, now say your lines."
"Why should I? You said the words, we are onscreen, 'The Job' is done. I don't see how it'll make any difference if I repeat them at this late date."
"I can't believe you! You knew what the job was when you took it and you still drug me out of bed and…" Dante trailed off growling.
"Come on, say it."
"Your catch phrase. That's the reason I set this whole thing up. Since we run the Quickie Mart and you're always there in the morning you haven't had a chance to use it in a while. I figured you missed it, so I'd give you a chance to say it."
"Really? Damn, that's more thoughtful of you than I'm used to."
"Yeah, I'm a prince. So, go for it."
Dante grinned. "I'm not even supposed to be here today!"
"Yeah, surprisingly enough, that felt pretty good."
"Cool, only I thought your catchphrase was something about me, anally raping your mother, while pouring sugar in your gas tank."
"Nah, that was just a one off."
Randall grinned as Dante headed off to the car. "Damn, but I love that man."
AN: That was sooo gay.
"Hey, I meant it in a platonic way, like that 80's reject is always saying about his fat friend!" Randall protested.
AN: Sure… but Jay has made enough Freudian slips that you know how he really means it.
"Yeah, well I meant it as he pretends to mean it!"
AN: Fine, I'll downgrade my opinion of you from flamer to bi-curious.
Randall ground his teeth together. "I'll get you back for this, I swear it!" he growled and stomped off stage.
AN: *snicker* I may not be able to snark at the higher ups, but normal humans are fair game.
"Xander!" cried two panicked female voices from inside the dome.
"What?" came the reply from four different directions, as four individuals climbed to their feet, brushing off dirt and bits of demon.
The battle paused as everyone, even the demons, took in the four.
Wearing jeans, an eye patch, a leather jacket, and a wolfish grin, one of the Xanders twirled the golden, double bladed, battle axe he held. "Oh, I can see we're going to have a lot of fun here."
"Yes, I couldn't agree more," a tuxedo clad Xander with two eyes said agreeably, his golden foil whistling through the air as he ran through a couple of simple movements at a blindingly fast speed to loosen up.
"I just wish there was a bit more water. I mean, I like the mountains, but we never get a chance to go swimming." The golden trident he held was almost ignored, as everyone noticed this Xander was wearing nothing more than a Speedo and also had both his eyes.
The last Xander was dressed in fatigues, had no missing bits, and if he had a golden weapon it wasn't visible beneath the numerous weapons that he'd apparently gotten from Xander-Mask. "Hoo Rah! I love target rich environments!"
As Soldier-Xander opened up on full automatic, mowing down a line of demons, the battle was rejoined.
Willow and Buffy put aside their questions till later, as apparently Xander was fine, just feeling a bit beside himself, twice over apparently.
The spellcaster behind Willow fell quickly, as Tuxedo-Xander's rapier disassembled it like it was a snow sculpture and his blade was still blazing hot from the forge.
Speedo-Xander wasn't exactly doing bad himself, as his trident ripped huge chunks out of the toughest demons with ease, but about two minute into the fight Willow teleported him outside the dome.
He was just too distracting.
"Awww. I was just getting into that," Speedo-Xander complained, but without too much force, as he wasn't exactly dressed for this battle and he was getting really thirsty.
"Anyone have something to drink?"
Greg handed him a root beer while everyone stared at him.
"What, do I have something on my face?"
"Xander?" Faith ventured, not even using her customary nickname for him.
"The one and…" Xander looked into the dome and shrugged, "of four."
"What happened?" Kennedy asked.
"I'm non-mixy with all but the whitest of magics. So, one demonic spell, meant to do God knows what to my Willow and poof, we have surround sound Xander. I'm guessing it set off all the old Hellmouth strangeness that I've gone through before. I mean, I've been split with magic and I've been possessed a time or two and it looks like all my different bits have come out to play."
"But which one is the real you?" Faith asked.
"All of us," Xander answered. "It's not clones so much as aspects of myself. The only thing that didn't come out is my inner child, thank God!"
"How can you tell in that mess?" Faith snarked.
"You'd be able to hear his chainsaw over the roar of battle. Trust me on this."
Everyone blinked and tried to process this, even Faith, who was an old hand at Scooby Brand weirdness, when Xander started talking again, "So, Kennedy, what's on your mind?"
"I've noticed for a while that something has been on your mind, but you seemed reluctant to talk about it and since nothing is going on right now, I thought you might want to get it off your chest."
Kennedy, frowned at the thought that Xander considered this to be 'nothing going on', but realized that from his perspective nothing was going on. The group outside the dome might as well have all brought chairs and popcorn to watch the festivities for all the effect they would have on this battle. Taking a deep breath she decided to bite the bullet and simply ask, "Did you ever regret losing an eye to save me?"
"Not once," he replied not even needing to think about it.
"Willow was in a fragile place at the time and losing you would have destroyed her. I'd cheerfully march off to my doom, as long as it kept her safe. I'd do that for any one of my girls."
"So, since it was for one of your girls, it's alright?" Kennedy asked, her voice tight as she dug into the ground with the toe of her boot.
"Yep." Xander reached out and gently lifted her chin so he could look her in the eye, as he realized she wasn't quite getting what he was saying. "And saving the life of one of my girls is always worth it, especially when it's in addition to keeping my Willow happy."
Kennedy engaged in the time honored Scooby tradition of attempting to hug Xander to death, which he accepted without protest, giving brief thanks to the gods that he was both tougher and could last longer without air than a normal human.
"Damn, Boytoy! Don't you have any survival instincts?" Faith burst out as she watched Soldier-Xander tear through group of demons with a handgun and a knife.
Xander looked over at the battle, still hugging Kennedy gently as she regained her composure. "Sure, that's him with the axe."
The Axe wielding Xander grinned ferally at the dozen or so different demons gathered in front of him, the last pocket of resistance. "Come on you bitches, lets rock!" he howled and dove into them.
Everyone stared at Xander with wide eyes.
"Are you sure you aren't suicidal?" Faith asked softly, having been there before herself.
"Nah, you're looking at it all wrong. If I didn't do everything I could to keep those I love safe… I wouldn't be me and that's a fate worth than death." Xander shrugged, unable to find the words to explain, what he thought everyone should already know.
The dome popped like a soap bubble as Willow waved a hand at it and Buffy and the three other Xanders started walking towards the rest of the group.
AN: Still no beta. Message me with any errors you find and I'll fix them, unless they are on purpose or I'm feeling too lazy.