Title: The Hogwarts Alumni Book Club
Author: Miranda Aurelia (Blue Lady)
Summary: When Hermione gives Harry, Draco, Ginny and Ron a copy of Deathly Hallows, none of them are pleased with the epilogue. [A HP characters read Book 7 and over-react type of story.
Author's Note: this is a semi-parody. I've tried to make it a bit more humorous since I believe we all need something to laugh about after the stuff that was the epilogue of Deathly Hallows.
WARNING: BOOK 7 SPOILERS!
Sixteen years after Hogwarts Graduation.
It was a bright summer morning at the Potter estate. The numerous offspring of the Potter, Weasley and Malfoy clans were outside on the Potter's Quidditch pitch having their weekly match.
Meanwhile, instead of watching as usual, their parents were inside looking over a new package Hermione had received the day before.
"So…what exactly is this book?"
"It's the muggle version of what happened during our seventh year at Hogwarts," replied Hermione, "And my contact warned me that it might be a bit controversial, so I got a few more copies so the rest of you could read it too."
"Harry Pothead, uh, Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Hmm, interesting piece of muggle literature." Draco remarked before flipping through a few pages of the thick text idly.
Beside him, Ginny and Ron both picked up a copy and proceeded to look through their own.
A few minutes later.
Hermione, Harry, Ron and Ginny all looked up to see Draco fling his book towards the wall, nearly hitting a family photo of the Potters. The Harry in the photo proceeded to give Draco the finger.
"Draco!" Hermione looked scandalized, "Is that how you treat all your books?"
Draco was still looking at the novel lying on the ground, an expression of extreme distaste on his face.
"The author totally screwed up the epilogue!" he finally bit out.
"How did you get there so quickly?" Hermione placed her hands on her hips, "You're one of those people that flip right to the end of a book after five pages at the beginning, aren't you?"
"Actually, it's two pages," muttered Draco under his breathe, "But that's not the point!"
"That muggle author," he spat out, "She had the audacity to say that my Gin-gin married Potter and that you married Weasel and that you people actually had the nerve to procreate!"
He collapsed onto the loveseat and pulled Ginny down with him, burying his face into her hair as his wife tried to calm him down.
Hermione's eyes widened before, for the first time in her entire life, she flipped right towards the last chapter instead of reading the book in order.
After a minute or so, Hermione also threw her copy down in disgust while Harry and Ron were still scrambling to catch up.
"I can't believe it!" she said angrily, "I was told that this was supposed to be a truthful retelling of events!"
"Tell that to the person that wrote this!" snarled Draco.
Harry abandoned his book and pulling Hermione down onto the couch beside him, he wrapped an arm tightly around her and petted her hair soothingly as she clenched the front of his shirt in a tight fist.
"It's okay, Mione," he said, "It's just a book."
"It's a book that almost everyone in the muggle world believes!" she lifted her face upwards, "Oh Harry!"
"Treat her like Rita Skeeter." Harry said calmly, "Just because some people choose to believe these lies doesn't mean that they're actually true. You got stuck with me, didn't you?" he cajoled her.
Hermione gave his a small smile, "And I'll gladly be stuck with you for the rest of your life, Mr. Potter."
"Same here, Mrs. Potter." And Harry leaned forward to give Hermione a long, loving kiss.
"Thank you, Harry," she whispered after they finally broke apart.
Stretching an arm down to get the copy of Deathly Hallows she had thrown onto the floor, she snuggled into Harry's side as she proceeded to the epilogue, pointing out to Harry the sentences gotten her so riled up.
Meaanwhile, Draco looked vaguely disturbed. "Please tell me I did not name my own flesh-and-blood a poncy name like Scorpius!"
"Nope!" Harry said cheerfully from where he was reading over Hermione's shoulder, "It saids right here that your kid's name is Scorpius. I quote 'Draco was standing there with his wife and son-'"
"So who is my lovely wife in this fantasy Muggle version?" drawled Draco.
"I don't think they say who she is. Even your son only resembles you alone," replied Hermione.
"Maybe his son's actually a clone?" Harry suggested.
"Bloody ha ha, Potter," A scowl appeared on Draco's face, "I'll have you know I can get any chick I bloody well want to!"
"Not that I would want to, of course, when I have such a beautiful wife," Draco quickly backtracked before leaning over to capture Ginny's lips in a long, drawn-out kiss.
Ron proceeded to make gagging sounds. It was a habit he hadn't been able to successfully break even sixteen years after his sister had married ferret boy.
Harry's cough sounded very distinctly like 'whipped'.
"I heard that."
"What?" Harry gave everyone his best innocent expression.
"Oh!!" Draco suddenly burst out, "Obviously this Scorpius kid is my lovechild with Ginevra! In your face, Potter!"
He was met with a roomful of incredulous looks and Ginny proceeded to give him another slap.
"What? It's a good theory! I know I'm irresistible and it makes sense that even the muggle JK Rowling acknowledged it, but she had this insane theory that Ginny and Potter have any chemistry beyond a small gluestick, so she wrote Gin with Potter, but she's having an affair on the side with me!"
Hermione turned towards Harry, "Did that make any sense to you?"
Her husband merely opened his mouth and closed it for a few seconds. "Uh…he lost me somewhere after irresistible."
"My ears!" moaned Ron.
"Ronald," Luna walked serenely into the room, "Maybe you're suffering from a windgrie infection."
"That must be it," Draco nodded.
"Ah Luna," Ron pulled the blond towards him, "My wife. My lovely, sweet, talented, patient-"
"Are you trying to imply something there, mate?" Harry raised an eyebrow.
Ron's ears turned red and he hugged Luna tighter.
Hermione just ignored them as she was once more buried behind her copy of Deathly Hallows.
Abruptly, Ron turned to Hermione, "Hermione, you know that I love you, right?"
The woman he was addressing looked up from her book and merely nodded slowly.
"Ron," said Harry, who seemed stuck between being amused or annoyed, "You might want to think carefully about your next words."
Ron just ignored him, "You're one of my best friends in the whole world, you're smart, pretty, brave, smart-"
"Weasley's running out of adjectives," commented Draco.
"Anyways," Ron scowled at Draco before turning back to Hermione, "It never would have worked out between us."
She looked rather amused, "And is this supposed to be news I haven't heard before?"
"No, what I'm saying is that we probably would have killed each other or divorced one month after the honeymoon which is why that book is such…" He struggled for the right word to describe it.
"Bullshit." Shawn tossed out from his spot on the floor next to his parents where he had been sitting after sneaking into the den ten minutes ago.
"Exactly!" Ron beamed at his nephew, "Thanks, mate."
"Shawn Malfoy! No swearing in the house!" Ginny glared at her son.
"But that muggle author, she renamed me Scorpius!" complained Shawn, "What kind of a poncy name is Scorpius Malfoy?!"
"My thoughts exactly," Draco agreed, "We all know if I had wanted to name my firstborn some poncy name, we would have stuck with Fido instead."
Shawn looked at his father in horror, "You were going to name me Fido?!"
Draco shrugged, "We considered it. It seemed too…common, for a Malfoy."
"Fido is what people name their dogs!" Shawn almost looked as though he would be having a panic attack at any second, "Emil Thomas has a dog named Fido!"
"Hence the reason why we decided against naming you Fido Malfoy," said Draco dryly.
"Draco," Ginny gave him a warning glare before turning to her son, "Your father's just teasing you."
Shawn looked a bit relieved to hear this.
Meanwhile, Harry was giving Ron a long look. "Ron, if you ever put the words 'Hermione' and 'honeymoon' in the same sentence again, I will hex you."
Hermione scowled at her husband.
"Harry," she reproached him. When he gave her a mock-hurt look, she clarified, "Get in line."
"Oh, oh, can I go next?" Draco jerked his head to the side to avoid Ginny's slap.
A few minutes later….
Ron snickered out loud as he got to a particular amusing part, well, for him, anyways.
"Hey, Malfoy! I never noticed your receding hairline."
"Weasley," Draco glared at him from where his head was rested on Ginny's lap, "You need your eyes checked….Perhaps your brain as well."
"Nope!" crowed Ron, "It saids right here, 'Draco Malfoy was standing there with his wife and son. His hair was receding somewhat, which emphasized the pointed chin-' "
"Receding?! Gimme that!" snarled Draco, stalking across the room and yanking the book out of Ron's hands.
"Malfoy's going bald!" Ron continued to snicker.
"I do NOT have a receding hairline!"
Ron leaned forward a little and gave Draco's hairline a critical glance, "Looks to me like you're starting to go a bit bald, Malfoy."
"Malfoys do not go bald!"
"Ron!" hissed Ginny, "Shut up!"
"But it's so much fun!" whined Ron.
"Ron," Hermione spoke up and she waited until the redhead was looking at her, "You were wrong about how we wouldn't have lasted a month after the honeymoon..."
Harry almost looked betrayed until he heard the rest of Hermione's sentence.
"…In fact, we probably wouldn't have lasted two hours past the wedding."
Harry suddenly developed a coughing fit.
I haven't really decided whether to continue this or to let it remain as a one-shot. Hopefully you'll let me know?