Thanks to Potter
Oh yeah not my characters bla bla bla
Warnings: SPOILER Harry Potter book 7!!!!!!!!!!
Summary: How did Tonks feel after Lupin broke up with her?
I could hear them, my mother and my father talking about what had happened, I knew what they were thinking, Remus was a werewolf my marriage with him was a disgrace. Maybe it was, I mean a werewolf. I knew how unpopular they were, people are afraid but afraid of what? A creature that a man turns into 3 days a month? It was stupid really, I mean Greyback was a sadistic monster, he loved eating children but Remus was a wonderful lovely man…Tears of pain shot into my eyes, I had been so happy when I had found out I was pregnant, I was scared of course, I mean we were at war! But I was so happy I would have a family of my own and Remus would be a wonderful father, just as he was a great teacher and friend, I was sure of it. I choked my tears back, remembering painful memories.
"You are pregnant." My mother said.
I coughed on my tea, "No I'm not!"
"I don't know what else is wrong with you then."
3 Weeks later.
This time mother coughed on her tea,
"Damn it Nymphadora! He is a werewolf!"
I was hurt by her words, "I know mother but I love him."
"Do you love your child?" my father chimed in, "If you do then you'd get rid of it, I don't know what state it'll be in when it is born and besides now is not the time to have a baby we are at war!"
I stood up angrily, "I know you don't approve." I said, "I know I am your only child but why can't you just be happy for me? Why is that too much for a daughter to ask her parents?!"
Once I was home I started crying this just wasn't fair, get rid of it…the way my father had been talking about my baby, about Remus and my baby…I knew he hadn't meant it like that, I knew him. He was a very kind man and he had been a great father, I loved him.
Later that evening.
I was already lying in bed waiting for my husband, I had a hand on my stomach. I could hardly believe that there really was a baby in their, or there would be in a few months. Remus came in,
"I went to your parents house to pick you up why didn't you tell me you left earlier?!"
He sounded angry, he was worried about me and got angry when I wasn't where I should be on time, but I didn't mind it felt good to be protected and taken care of, I enjoyed being the wife of Remus John Lupin.
"Sorry but my father upset me and then I just left." I explained.
He seemed to relax he lied down next to me, "What did he say?"
I didn't want to tell him that, Remus knew that my parents didn't' approve of him, what would he feel like when he found out that his child was not being accepted as well.
I smiled a weak smile, "The usual."
Remus looked at me with sad, tired eyes. I put my finger on his lips, "I love you." I whispered, grinning.
A small smile appeared on his face, he kissed me.
My head was resting on his bear chest, "Remus?" I muttered against his skin.
"Hmm?" He mumbled half asleep.
"I'm pregnant." I whispered.
He shot up, causing me to sit up.
"What?!" He half yelled,
I tried to read his expression, shocked, surprised, sad, and…guilty?
I swallowed hard, my throat had gone dry, it was not the reaction I had expected.
"Aren't you happy?" I asked.
"'Course I am." He lied back down and fell asleep a few moments later, that was the first time since I had been with Remus that I had cried myself to sleep.
As I lay here at my parents house, I recalled the worst memory of all.
"Tonks?" It was a few days later, I was on the couch thinking when his voice interrupted me. I sat up, I had been waiting for this, waiting for him to come to me, for him to tell me about his fears "…I'm a werewolf I don't know what will happen to this child, I don't know what will happen to you and we're at war…"
Then I would say that as long as we were in this together I would be fine. I had, had this conversation with him loads of times in my head, I was ready for his fears.
"I'm here." I said.
He entered, he didn't look good, he looked like he hadn't slept for days, I sat up "What's wrong?"
"We need to talk."
This is how our conversations had started in my head as well.
I held out my hand for him to take but he just sat down next to me, I pulled my hand back. He rubbed his face with his both hands and took a deep breath
"Tonks we shouldn't have gotten married."
BAM! That people was my heart and my dreams that just exploded with pain. In my head he had started of with, "I'm sorry I've been avoiding you and haven't showed you how happy I really am but I'm scared…"
This was too unexpected, this I was not ready for, "What?!" I managed to say.
He closed his eyes as if he were in pain.
"Tonks listen to me." He whispered, "Go and stay at your parents house, ok? Stay away from me."
BAM! Yeah that was my heart again. I had tears in my eyes.
"What about the baby?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper.
He looked at me sadly, "We'll see about that."
I jumped up, "We'll see about that?!" I shouted angrily, "What you'll have a look at it and if you don't like it I'll raise it alone?!"
Remus remained calm, "No." He said, "If the child is human, if it is…normal. Then you'll raise him alone, it'll have nothing to be ashamed of, if it's a wolf give him to me then I can handle that."
Tears were streaming down my face, "What and I can't?" I spat, "Remus we're supposed to handle it together!"
He stood up, "Tonks I want out of this marriage, I regret it."
I shook my head, not wanting to hear him not wanting to believe him.
"Say it to my face, tell me you don't love, tell me you don't want our child."
He looked into my eyes, I gazed back looking for the love had gotten from him for a while, "I don't love you, take our child and go to your parents, leave."
So here I was crying my eyes out for a werewolf who didn't want me, for a child that wouldn't have a father and if it did it wouldn't have me. I could hear my parents talking and hated it I couldn't stand it any longer, I pulled the blanket over my head and tried to sleep but I couldn't, I hadn't slept for a while. Even if the baby was a werewolf I would love and raise him, Remus could take himself away from me but no one, no one was taking my child away from me. I had this feeling about a boy and I talked to him calling him Sirius, Sirius James Lupin. It was a name Remus would have liked. I'm not very far, two months but you can see that I'm pregnant, a little. My hair used to be short and pink, it's shoulder long now and black. It got warm under these covers, I sat up and listened to my parents.
"Ted she is devastated!" My mother said.
"I know that Dromeda, what should I do? The wolf has made a wise decision, it's the best way to keep them both safe." My father replied angrily.
"Ted but what do we do if the child is a…a…." she struggled with the word, "Werewolf! We can't raise a werewolf!"
"Remus said he would take the child if that is the case, if the kid is normal we have nothing to worry about. Nymphadora will get other this, she's tough."
I growled into my pillow, I wasn't Nymphadora, I wasn't their little Nymphy I was Tonks Lupin, strange name I know but I'm not theirs anymore I'm his and I will always be his, I will never get other Remus because I will love him until I die. That thought brought a smile to my face, he may not love me, maybe he never did but I would never stop. That love I have in me I will give to my child, no matter what it is, no matter what it looks like, no matter what it does, I love him. I feel asleep finally.
I awoke in something warm and white, I didn't like this smell. Then it hit me, Deatheaters, the ministry, Harry Potter and his friends and…Bellatrix. I opened my eyes and sat up quickly, I was pushed back down gently, "You need to rest Nymphadora." A familiar voice said. It was Remus Lupin, he looked at me worried and sad.
"Don't call me Nymphadora!" I cried.
He smiled a weak smile.
"Where am I?"
"St. Mungo's." He answered.
"What happened to Bellatrix?" I asked.
Ok that was bad, but there seemed to be more, something worse.
"Did something happen?" I hardly recognized my own voice, it sounded, weak, afraid.
He sighed, "Dora, Bellatrix killed Sirius."
I closed my eyes, images of Sirius Black in my mind, he had been the only one apart from my parents who had understood what it was like to be related to the blacks, but to be different we had never talked much about it but it was like there was this thing between us he'd smile at me and I had the feeling his eyes were saying "I know how you feel." I had loved Sirius Black as a brother.
Tears rolled down my cheeks, "I killed him!" I sobbed.
Remus shook his head, "You didn't. Tonks no one is perfect it was a hard battle and…"
I interrupted him, "I'm an Auror Remus, it's my job to handle battles like that. It's my fault he's dead."
I had sat up again, feeling a little dizzy and very weak,
"You should hate me, I've killed your best friend, the only one you had left." I sobbed.
Remus was on his feet almost at once, pulling me into a hug as I cried into his shoulder he whispered, "I could never hate you Nymphadora." And it was the first time I let him call me that without telling him of, it was the first time I liked the name. After I had calmed down he still stayed for a while and when he had left I realized I was in love with him.
I woke up crying, I kept on dreaming stuff like that, our first kiss, the night Dumbledore died and we sorted things out, our wedding….and it hurt every time I dreamed of the one person I desired most but I couldn't have. It was worse than it had been before because I had been with Remus I was still married to him and knew for sure that he did not want me. I cried myself to sleep once again.
"Dora you should eat something." Mother said.
I feel more like throwing up, the thought of eating disgusted me.
"Breakfast is the most important meal of the day you know." She says.
"Mother! I am not a child!" I yelled.
"I know that Sweetheart, but speaking of children it's probably hungry." She pointed towards my stomach.
"He mum, I think he's a boy." I snapped as I ate some toast.
"yes Honey, I'm sorry."
"Dora, if you want to talk about…"
"no!" I interrupted, "I don't want to talk about him at all, I thought he loved me, I was wrong."
My mother looked at me compassionately, "Dora I know what it feels like…"
I laughed bitterly, "Oh yeah because dad left you alone when you were pregnant with me didn't he?"
She slammed her hand on the table, "Don't you see?!" she whispered harshly, "You are not alone."
"I'm pregnant, of course I'm not alone!" I snapped.
She shook her head, "Nymphy I can't help you if you don't let me try."
I looked up at her with furious eyes, "You can't help me, what I need you cannot give me what I want you can't give me so just leave me and Sirius alone!"
"What?" My mother asked puzzled,
"That's his name for now." I explained, "Sirius James Lupin."
"Ok." My mother spoke after several minutes, "I'll leave you and Sirius alone but Dora if you need anything, anything at all just come to me ok?"
I needed Remus that was everything, nothing more.
I hugged my mother and said Thank you, then I went into my room again.
I sat up in my bed, stroking my tiny stomach, "I wish I could tell you that daddy loves you but I don't want to lie to you."
What I said probably hurt him, "Don't worry Sirius I love you so much it'll be enough for two."
The next few days just passed like all the others, without anything very interesting happening I mostly read and mum and dad left me alone if I wanted company I went to them. I had asked them to get me lots of books on werewolves and I read most of it out loud to Sirius, but so I didn't frighten him too much I also read fairytales to him and for some action I told him about some things I had experienced as an Auror.
I was telling him about Sirius when I suddenly felt a sharp pain, pain that shot through my whole body I couldn't breath I couldn't speak I fell to the floor, "mum!!" I screamed. My parents burst into my room, "Nymphadora!" My mother yelled, she kneeled down beside me, "What's the matter? What happened to you?!"
"It hurts!" I cried.
"What hurts? Honey tell us what to do!"
"Make it stop!" I screamed.
My father lifted me up and put me into my bed, my mothers cool hand was on my forehead, "Ted!" Her voice was alarmed, "She has a fever!"
And then the pain suddenly stopped, the pysical pain atleast.
"We can't call anyone" he said, "If they find out that she's pregnant with all their muggle hate…imagine what would happen if the minister found out she's pregnant from a werewolf!"
"What should we do?" my mother asked worried.
"Remus." I muttered, I had to see him, the thought of him made my now painless but cold body warm.
"What was that sweetheart?" my mother asked, her face close to mine.
"Remus!" I whispered, "Need to see…"
Even with my eyes closed I knew that my parents were throwing worried looks at each other, "I'm not sure if this is such a good idea Dora." My father said
"I want to see him!" my voice had grown stronger.
My parents left the room, "Rest." They said.
I was still able to hear them, perhaps this had something to do with the baby?
"We can't get him." My father said.
"Andromeda she's in shock, if she sees him now…I don't like to think about what will happen when he leaves again."
Silence, I heard footsteps.
"Remus…" I moaned, this wasn't fair, I needed him now, our little son needed him too. I sobbed myself to sleep once more.
The next two days my fever went down and I was beginning to feel better although I kept on asking about Remus. Mother told me he didn't want to see me but I knew she was lying.
2 more days past my father had left, gone into hiding my mother said, she was downstairs making dinner when he came.
"Tonks? There's someone who wants to see you!"
I started crying the moment I saw him, mum went downstairs left us alone, Remus and I.
It hurt to see him, it hurt and at the same time it was wonderful. He looked worse than usual, he looked as bad as I felt.
He looked at me for a while, I sat up turned, leaning against the wall, I wrapped my arms around my knees and pulled them to my chest, we continued to stare at each other.
"How are you?"
"Brilliant." I snapped.
He sighed, "Tonks I…"
"How could you do this to me?" I sobbed, "I thought you loved me!"
"I did! I do!"
I stared at him confused.
"I went to see Harry,"
He held up his hand for me to be silent, "Please let me finish."
"I went to see Harry and asked if I could go with him on his mission. I told him about our…situation."
"How did he react?" I asked.
"He." Remus smiled, "he called me a coward and he's right. I can't forgive myself for what I did to you Nymphadora."
"What do you mean exactly?" I asked.
"I made you an outcast I shouldn't have married you and then when you were pregnant I just…I just lost it."
I shook my head, "I still don't understand."
He sighed, "I love you Nymphadora and I know I damaged your life when I married you, I didn't want to make it worse that's why I told you to leave. If our baby is normal, I..I don't want to damage it's life."
I saw that he had tears in his eyes. I stood up and hugged him, "The only way you damaged my life was when you left!" I cried.
He wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly, "Please tell me we're ok again." He whispered.
Smiling I kissed him, "We are."
We talked for hours, he kept on apologizing for what he did to me but I didn't care anymore, I was in his arms, he was stroking my stomach glad about his baby. I told him about calling him Sirius James, he was delighted. Mother had heard what he had said, she excepted him and said she was glad to have a man in the house. Remus was still doing duty for the Order but he always came home to the three of us.
We were lying on our bed, snuggled together when I whispered, "Potter really is some boy ain't he?"
Remus smiled, "He's just like James, love, and James was the best guy ever."
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