Disclaimer: I do not own Pokemon.
WARNING: PLEASE READ ON AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION. This story contains real-life issues of Teenage self-injury & Anorexia. I have warned you, this may upset or offend readers. I have therefore, rated this R.
Please take note: the italic writing in-between the story line are 'True' statements from a journal of an anorexic.
Another warning: this is not a mushy romance, like I normally write!
The Second Voice
Misty (17) Ash (16) Brock (20)
'I never felt 'Pretty' for as long as I could remember. I was always tall and thin, I was never 'Fat' or teased about that. I just felt this huge need to have a perfect body, to be the prettiest. The problem was I loved to eat; I loved food full -stop! It was hard for me to turn down Ice creams, sweets, cookies, and cakes, but I had to turn them down… I just had to…'
'How far would I go to gain the attention of my best friend and first true love…?'
Here's my story of how far I went…
She groaned as the blinding light filtered through the half open blinds. Pulling the sheets above her head she attempted to focus her eyes from its painful torture. The pain in her head was throbbing and the constant murmurings she could hear had gotten loader.
She felt dizzy, and feeling the regular hunger pains torment her insides, she swallowed the nausea back and rushed into the bathroom. Throwing up whatever food, she had eaten the day before.
Feeling more at ease and almost refreshed, she got up from the squatting position, she was in and lowered the seat to sit on it. Reaching her hands toward her face she sobbed into them.
"Morning, Mist, you missed breakfast again." Ash said to the redhead standing in front of him.
"Oh well, I wasn't hungry anyway," she answered, smiling weakly at him.
"Gee, that's not like you at all, Misty!" Brock added, a little shocked at her laid back attitude. Normally she would have clubbed him and Ash for not waiting for her to come down and eat with them.
"Yeah… I'm just… not hungry Brock, Okay!" She stammered sharply.
Brock stared at her for a moment. 'Okay, that was weird. I wonder what's wrong with her?' "Okay… you're not hungry," he said slowly.
"Are you sure you don't want anything before we head off, Mist?" Ash asked her.
"I said, NO!" She told him getting frustrated.
Ash frowned. "I was just asking. God what's your problem today Misty!" He questioned her.
Brock sighed. Deciding now would be a good time to intervene before their little argument got out of control. "Okay, chill guys. Are we going or not?" He asked while stepping in-between them.
"Yeah I guess". Ash snapped back.
"Whatever". Misty huffed.
'A poor self-image. A low self-esteem. A yearning for a better body. All I want is for you to notice me.'
They had been travelling for most of the day, Misty had insisted they didn't need to rest or stop for anything. Eventually they had gotten into the city of Vermillion. Ash had another League meeting to attend. He was one of the leagues top trainers and just received the title of 'Pokemon Master'
As they entered the city; crowds of fans and supporters greeted them. This was not much of a surprise to either of them. Ash always had this kind of attention whenever he entered a new city or town.
Following her companions through the crowd she couldn't help but feel a little far behind. The place was packed; mostly female fans surrounded the entrance of the city. Trying her hardest to keep up with her friends she noticed the amount of times Ash gave out his 'trademark lopsided smile' the same smile that was meant for her, to some of the more 'attractive', 'slimmer' girls in the screaming crowds of women. Misty hated this, but managed to hold the feelings of hurt deep inside of her.
Lowering her head as not to show her tears, she followed slowly.
'You honestly think he likes you…'
'You are ugly…'
That was all she could hear as her 'Second Voice' blocked the cheers from the crowds.
She managed to swallow back the lump in the back of her throat hearing her only 'friend' talking to her. Convincing her that he would notice her if she was thinner.
'Your body is sickening…'
'No one will Love you if you gain weight…'
'You never feel good about yourself or the things that you do, because whatever you do is never good enough for the 'Voices' they fool you into thinking their your only friend.'
'I can't live with them, but I can't live without them'
'I was afraid to tell anyone about the voices inside my head. I thought I was going crazy and I assumed whoever I told would think the same thing. I couldn't let my secret out… I could handle this… I would have to cope by myself.'
Opening her rented room in yet another hotel she rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door shut.
Staring toward the ground and breathing heavily to catch her breathe. Tears rolled down her cheeks, and fell off onto the tiled floor. She hated this feeling, it hurt her chest, and pained her to think Ash would never notice her as long as she was this ugly and fat.
She slumped to the ground and rolled up her sleeve of her jacket. Her bare arm was painfully thin and covered in tiny odd scattered scratches. With her other hand, she reached into her pocket and pulled out a small needle. Bringing the needle to her skin, she began digging it deeper into her arm. The sensation she felt, as the blood ran from its pressure was like… an overwhelming comfort and pleasure, relieving the stress and pain that tormented her.
Breathing at a more steadily rate, she watched the blood drip from the small scratch, savouring its hypnotizing effects.
Nothing got rid of the feelings she had like throwing up or self-injury did, it made her feel strong and special. It was always a good stress-reliever if she had a particularly large fight with Ash or found it hard to cope with her self-hatred.
It always lifted that heavy weight that pushed down on her shoulders.
'I was lost in a world of pain…'
'I stopped listening to anybody even myself except my 'Second Voice'. I honestly thought losing weight on some level would make things better. He would start to notice me.'
Pulling herself up from the floor, she decided to have a shower before meeting with the guys.
After taking a 2-minute shower, she walked out of the bathroom into her bedroom.
Drying off her painfully thin body she looked up into the full-length mirror that stood in the corner of her room. Looking, at what in reality was a scrawny body. All she saw was a disgusting, revolting, fat, ugly slob. She pinched her thighs and stomach in disgust, feeling the nausea churn around her gut as she stared through her heavily black-circled eyes at the monster of a reflection.
She hated to look at herself at the best of times, and she knew why…
'Your body is disgusting… look how fat you are… you're ugly and worthless …'
Listening to her 'Friend/enemy' she throw the towel over the mirror so as not to see anymore of her ugliness and finished getting dressed into her usual clothing of plain black pants, yellow tank top and blue jacket, that now sagged off her body freely.
'I don't need help. I was in denial and actually believed things were fine.'
"Hey, Mist, you sure took your time getting here. I saved you some cake, it's your favourite," Ash called to her.
"Umm… that's alright, Ash, I really don't want anything to eat right now." She answered him.
Ash looked up to Brock and nodded. Both boys had noticed Misty's sudden lack of interest in food, and this only confirmed that something was wrong with their female companion.
"Misty, is there something wrong?" Brock asked in concern.
Misty smiled a little apprehensively and took a seat next to Ash and Pikachu. "No. Why do you ask?" She answered then questioned.
"You haven't really had much of an appetite recently, and you insisted to make your own dinner the day before last." Brock answered her.
She looked up at both of her friends and smiled sweetly, "I'm fine guys, you worry way to much!" She emphasized.
Sighing and shaking his head, Brock decided to call it quits for now. Arguing with her was not the way to go.
Her stomach begging her to take a bite, Misty watched as both her friend's eat the rest of their meals in silence.
'I was being driven by a force so powerful, it was frightening and was almost impossible for me to control my actions'
'My 'Second Voice' was there every second of the day, it was with me all through out the time I was awake, until I went to sleep at night. Sleep was not a comfort to me either, the constant nightmare of loneliness haunted me there too'.
'By the time my friends' noticed the weight loss, I had began to trust that 'Voice'. It helped me, it made me feel strong, so I didn't need, didn't want, and didn't feel.'
Sneaking out of the meeting room she was in, she quietly made her way to the door. Walking up the stairs of the hotel lobby, she reached her room.
Shacking so much, she struggled to open the door to her bedroom. The sweat poured off her, as she got increasingly anxious and frustrated with the numbing sensation in her fingertips that stopped her from turning the key in the lock.
She sighed and slumped to the ground into a heap of hysterical sobbing, closing her eyes so tightly it hurt.
After 10 minutes of sobbing, she began to slow it down to the odd hiccup. Wiping her forehead before she tried her hardest to stand backup off the ground, she attempted to reach the confinement of her room once more. This time being successful, she walked inside her room and made her way over to her bed. Setting herself down onto it, she opened her red backpack and took out a handful of chocolates and sweets.
She placed them in front of her and just stared at them. After a moments hesitation she picked up one of her favourite chocolate bars and ripped it open. Slowly she took one large bite out of it, and no sooner she had done that she quickly spat it out in utter self-disgust at her moments lapse.
'Don't eat that or you will get fat…'
'No one will love you if you gain weight…'
Listening to the 'Voice', she picked them up and throw them into the wastepaper basket.
Again, feeling the regular and familiar hunger pain churn in her stomach she rushed for the bathroom. Throwing up what ever her empty insides could muster. The more she retched the more her head thumped with the constant badgering of her 'Second Voice'.
'I was silently screaming for something: attention, love, help, escape, or forgiveness. I never asked for anything I needed. I felt unworthy, that I didn't deserve Ash, Brock or Tracey as my friends.'
'Would anyone care or notice if I just disappear?'
'The pain would go away and I would no longer hurt myself or others with my problems.'
'I will live with this until it kills me…'
The meeting had gone on longer than expected. Ash and Brock hadn't noticed that Misty had disappeared a good hour before it finished.
"So, that was a snore feast, hey Brock?" Ash sighed.
Brock couldn't help but smile at his younger friends attitude. "Ash, these meetings are important. You should be listening instead of sleeping through them."
Ash smiled and laughed nervously, "So you noticed that?"
Brock sighed and shook his head knowingly. "What are you like?"
"Same old, same old, Brock-o! You should know me by now"
"Too well, if you ask me". Brock replied with a grin.
The last of the Gym leaders had left a while ago; Ash and Brock had waited around for Misty. When Misty didn't emerge from the room, both boys looked at each other oddly.
"Did you see her leave, Brock?" Ash asked a bit confused.
"No." Brock replied equally confused as his younger companion.
Both agreeing they should find her, they made their way back up to her room to see if she was there.
'When ever I said I didn't want or need you help, those were the times I needed it the most…'
'I felt guilty receiving any kind of offer of help, because I felt unworthy…'
Misty hadn't moved off the floor of the bathroom. She had been crying ever since her bout and had curled up into a ball holding onto her painfully thin stomach for sometime.
The door of her bedroom was locked from the inside, but the bathroom door had remained open through out her throwing up session. Therefore, the light knocking noises coming from the main door could have easily been heard from where she lay.
Ash lightly knocked on Misty's door, "Misty?" he asked placing his head against the door, to help try to hear anything.
Misty jolted up off the floor when she heard the knocking. "Go away!" She yelled angrily.
Ash stepped back from the door and looked down toward his little friend apprehensively. "I'm starting to worry about her Pikachu. Do you think I should leave her alone for a bit?"
Pikachu looked up to his friend/trainer and shrugged his little shoulders. "Pika"
"Maybe I should do as she asks and come back later. Come on buddy, let's find, Brock."
If Ash had stayed a little while longer, he would have heard Misty crying, silently begging him to come back.
'I closed up and locked you out…'
'I pushed you away…'
'But, I wanted your help, I needed your help…'
Ash had been pacing the floor of his room for over an hour, trying to figure out what was wrong with Misty. He knew she could get grumpy once and a while, and appreciated that she needed privacy now and then. What concerned him most was he had noticed her sudden aggressiveness, (more than usual) her lack of appetite and turning down her favourite foods. Over the last few weeks, she had become withdrawn, distant, and guarded. This had started to bug Ash, she had changed a lot since they were younger, but this was sudden and unexpected. Misty had always been outgoing and possessed a certain flair for life, which attracted him to her. However, this was not his Misty, his best friend he had known for 7 years. No, there was something wrong and he would be damned if he was going to let her cope with what ever it was by herself.
Coming to a decision, he made his way back toward Misty's room.
Misty sat on her bed shaking. Her hands wouldn't cooperate with her because they felt so numb. She grabbed a hold of her bag and opened it desperately.
Rummaging through it she eventually found what she was looking for…
The small bottle of tablets she had picked up had a childproof seal cap. Trying her hardest to open the bottle was not an easy task; her fingertips were so numb she didn't even feel the pain as they rubbed against the lid of the bottle cap.
Becoming agitated and restless, she threw the plastic bottle toward the wall. On collision, the bottle shattered into many pieces. She was surprised that it did break; she was extremely weak and couldn't even stand for to long without feeling dizzy.
Shaking the thought out of head, she ran to where the pills were scattered on the ground. Scooping up a handful, she shoved them into her mouth and swallowed them. Not even caring if the shards of plastic cut her throat.
It felt like an overwhelming feeling of relief as they took affect in side of her.
'You don't deserve to be happy…'
'You deserve to die…'
Her 'Second Voice' took over her wave of relief. Believing and trusting her 'friend/enemy' she agreed to take even more of the tablets.
Ash made his way down the hall toward Misty's room. He stood out side the door of her room for a few seconds, before knocking.
Gently at first, he knocked on the door and called her name. Receiving no reply, he tried to open the door. It wasn't locked.
The first thing he noticed was it was dark. She had obviously been asleep and closed the blinds, he thought to himself. Walking toward her bed, he noticed it was still made. 'Hmm… that's strange.'
"Misty" he called again.
Still there was no reply. Feeling anxious and perplexed, he made his way over to the bathroom.
Feeling something crunch under his foot. He looked down to see what it was.
Bits of plastic and tablets?
Ash, bent down toward the ground, to see if he could find a label or something. His heart stopped for a matter of seconds when he noticed the small puddle of blood on the floor seeping from the under the bathroom door…
As a sudden feeling of overwhelming relief rushed inside her, Misty dug the sharp shard of plastic harder into her arm. Panic and fear took over when she heard something or someone enter her room. Cursing silently, she had sworn she had locked the front door to her room. What was the use now? She thought, who ever was in her room, surely had put two-and-two together. This was it…
Maybe she could be saved at last…
Or maybe not…
Ash bolted up from the floor. "Misty?" he called, his voice shaky and full of emotion.
Still no reply. "Misty, let me in there, now!" he cried, knocking desperately on the door of the bathroom. 'What do I do without her? This is my entire fault, please, Misty, be alright. Please… Don't leave me…'
This was it, time to face the truth.
Would he help her or not?
Would he reject her and leave her?
Or would he stick by her?
Ash finally stopped begging her to come out of the bathroom, when he heard the door being unlocked. Standing back, he anxiously waited for her to emerge.
Their eyes met, brown on aqua, aqua on brown. Filled with tears, Misty didn't need to worry anymore about being rejected by the dark-haired Pokemon Master. His eyes had said what she needed to know.
That he cared…
'I needed you to stand up for me when I could barely stand, love me when I hated myself, hold me when I felt hopeless, and never give up on me, the way I gave up on myself…'
Okay, you are all probably wondering, Angie's not feeling herself today! I know this was terribly depressing, but this is something I believe Misty would do to herself; if Ash and her continued the way, they were when they were ten. Depression is a horrible thing and young teens go through this all the time!
So please take the time to think about this.
In a happier note, I have been set a challenge from Misty Wildflower and it is a very, I repeat, very mushy AAMR. So, look out for that soon!
Thanks to all that reviewed 'I Needed You Forever' I am glad you enjoyed that! Now complete, for all those who haven't checked it out!