Title: The Grapefruit Chronicles
Author: Insane Troll Logic
Rating: PG-13 (for sexing and cussing)
Disclaimer: I don't look a thing like James Cameron
Summary: Max gives Logan fruit IN THREE DIFFERENT AND OMG SO COOL WAYS.
Author's note: So in the middle of a very serious discussion on betas in the BBWW forum, Shywr1ter goes and says this "For example: if Max walked in and handed Logan a grapefruit, just as she did in the show, your readers would expect a pleased, articulate response from him, as he did in the show. If he a) broke down and wept like a baby; b) swore viciously and threw it back in Max's face; c) looked at her with huge, wide eyes and squealed, "OHMYGAWD, KEWL!!" your readers would immediately look for drugs, a concussion, a signal that this was a parody... or wonder what drugs the writer was taking!"
Naturally I ignore the part about the drugs and took it as a personal challenge. Shy kept egging me on. So I warn you, this is complete and utter CRACK.
The Grapefruit Chronicles
A. He broke down and wept like a baby
It all started with a grapefruit. A plump, succulent, just begging to be devoured grapefruit. Now, believe it or not, this grapefruit had super magnificent magical powers. This grapefruit as a matter of fact, would cause the person holding it to reveal their innermost angst. The vender knew this and was completely willing to pass his knowledge onto the potential buyer. "How much?" the girl asked.
She was kinda punked out. With a leather jacket, dark eyes, and biker gloves. She was smiling, but she still looked like she could kill someone. The vender nodded to himself. Emotionally repressed. Just the kind of person who needed this grapefruit and its super magnificent magical powers.
"Pretty lady eats free."
"What's the catch?" the girl asked suspiciously.
"No catch," the vender said. "Just food. Good food. Fresh!!"
The girl smiled. "Thanks then. Logan's not going to believe this."
The vender put the fruit in a bag. With any luck she would wait to fondle the grapefruit until she was in the prescience of someone who would benefit from her revelation of angst.
A short time later, Max walked into the penthouse of Logan Cale and tossed him the bag. Logan caught it and looked at it curiously. "What's this?"
Logan pulled it out of the bag, broke down and wept like a baby. Max stared. "Is this a bad time?"
"I'm in a wheelchair!" moaned Logan. "Me! The great and powerful Eyes Only in a wheelchair. How could you ever look twice at me? You're perfect and I am merely half a man. WOE IS ME!!"
"Did I just step into crazy town?" Max asked. "Seriously. Are you high? I heard vicodin makes you go pretty whack."
"OH THE ANGST!" wailed Logan.
Max grabbed the grapefruit from his hands. "Seriously, Logan, you're scaring me." She paused for a long second as the fruit's effect took hold. "I only pretend to dislike your Eyes Only stuff. I'm just not used to caring about everything because a crazy guy called Lydecker taught me to repress all emotion when all I want is to be loved." She looked at Logan, eyes watering. "Logan?" she asked, "Hold me?"
And then they had sex. It was awesome.
b) He swore viciously and threw it back in Max's face
Max pushed open the door of the penthouse, positively brimming with happiness. She had spent the afternoon hanging with Alec after bailing him out of jail for something Ben had done and to be honest, she just wanted to hang with Logan for a while and unwind. She'd even brought a peace offering. They hadn't talked much since the night there should have been sex but wasn't. It had been awkward. So this time, she brought a grapefruit. A grapefruit could make it all better. Grapefruits were magical like that. She picked the lock to the penthouse
"Hey, Logan!" she called, "You up?"
Logan emerged from the computer room, frowning. "Max," he said neutrally.
"Grapefruit!" she said and tossed it to him.
Logan stared at the grapefruit and then suddenly, irrational anger flew into his veins. "Fuck!" he swore viciously, and threw the grapefruit back at Max's face. For emphasis, he added, "fuckity-fuck-fuck-fuck!"
The grapefruit hit Max in the face. She looked at Logan in shock and then picked it back up and threw it at Logan's face. "What the hell was that for? Now you've bruised it!"
"That was Alec's grapefruit, wasn't it? HOW DARE YOU COME IN HER AND GIVE ME ALEC'S GRAPEFRUIT!!!"
"Dude," Max said. "Chill. You're acting how M/A shippers write you. It's creepy."
"Well, how would you feel if I was HAVING SEX WITH ALEC!!!"
Max shrugged. "Honestly, it sounds pretty hot. Mind if I watch?"
"I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH ALEC."
"Oh," Max said. "Too bad. Neither am I."
Logan calmed down visibly. "I'm sorry. It's just the virus and bad writing makes me feel all shouty. It's not my fault."
"I get it," Max said. "I get unreasonably shouty sometimes too. I'm kind of a bitch."
"And I'm occasionally obsessive," Logan admitted. "It's not our fault."
Max grinned and picked up the grapefruit from the floor. She offered it to him again. "Grapefruit?"
They ate the grapefruit. Coincidentally, this was also the cure for the mysterious virus (didn't you read part A. The grapefruit is magic). Many good things came of this. Including sex.
c) He looked at her with huge, wide eyes and squealed, "OHMYGAWD, KEWL!!"
The lock on Logan's penthouse door was pathetic, truly weak. It took Max approximately ten seconds to pick it. She wondered vaguely why he didn't invest on something stronger. Seriously it was like he was asking for transgenic cat burglars. "Logan!" she called. "I'm bored with your lock. Can't you get something better? I'm going to fall out of practice here."
Logan rolled himself into the entrance hall. He looked like he was biting his lips, but Max didn't know why. "I was thinking we could do breakfast," Max said. "I found this at the market this morning. Hardly ever find fresh fruit this good."
She tossed him the grapefruit. He looked at her with huge, wide eyes and squealed, "OHMYGAWD, KEWL!!" And then, flushing red with embarrassment, he resumed biting his lip.
"Did you seriously just say that?" Max asked. "What are you? A twelve year old girl?"
Logan shook his head, mouth still pressed shut.
"Are you going to answer or just stare?"
"STFU!!" Logan burst out and then clamped a hand over his mouth.
"You're acting really strange," Max said.
"UR SO HAWT," Logan blurted through his hand. "BE MY SEX POOTIE?"
Max frowned. "I don't understand a word you just said. What is wrong with you?"
Logan gave her a strangled look and then shoved the grapefruit into his mouth to detour any more unwanted verbal ticks. He grabbed a notepad and pencil and scribbled furiously for a second before passing the pad over to Max.
Computer virus, it read. Turns out its contagious to humans. Impedes speech functions.
Max raised an eyebrow. "Is that even possible?"
Logan nodded furiously.
He grabbed the pad back and scribbled, Until my system reboot. One hour and then Eyes Only is taking this bitch down…
Max stifled a laugh. "You know, I can think of a few things we can do that don't involve talking. You game?"
Logan nodded furiously and pried the grapefruit from his mouth. "MAX LUV!"
So they had sex. Funny how that always seemed to happen when a grapefruit was involved.
And everyone lived happily ever after.
Clearly, there is something wrong with me.