A/N: A collaboration between Renalin and xo-Kieraa. Renalin wrote Sasuke and Naruto, xo-Kieraa wrote Sakura and Sasuke. We hope that this helpful guide will provide some insight.
Done for Sasuke's birthday.
Blah is Kakashi
Blah is Sakura
Blah is Sasuke
Blah is Naruto
Hi! This is Naruto Uzumaki along with my dashing co-hostess the lovely Sakura-cha--OW. Okay, um, don't hurt me Sakura! I need to lecture the readers before I die!
Naruto, Shut up and tell the nice people what we're doing before I make sure you'll NEVER be able to have children.
...That's mean. Ahem, anyway, it has come to our attention that our completely retarded team member, (Sometimes known as 'Sasuke-kun,' 'Teme,' and 'twinkle toes') is incapable of talking like a NORMAL person, and has resulted to communicating with cave-man grunts. Now, it took us a while, but we've managed to figure out what he was saying since I AM THE NUMBER ONE NINJA!--And um, yeah. So, we're here to translate.
What are you two doing?
Ack! Kakashi-sensei what are you doing here? Go away!
Who called Sasuke twinkle-toes?
Yes. Who the hell said that?
Shit. Naruto remember what we said we'd do if he showed up? Get the tarp and the lipstick!
...I choose life!
Who called me twinkle toes?
I, um, I dunno what you're talking about...RUN SAKURA-CHAN, RUN!
Now, Sasuke remember your anger-management and count backwards from 10.
Uhm, Sasuke-kun you see, were trying to tell all the nice people out there that you are human and that your not socially-constipated.
But he IS socially constipat--OW.
What are you morons talking about?
You don't talk. At all.
YOU CANNOT WRITE OUT 'HN,' 'HN' IS A GRUNTING NOISE. PEOPLE DO NOT WRITE 'GRUNT' AS A RESPONSE!
Shut up, moron.
And when you do talk its either "Dobe shut up and lick my feet" or "Hn, Annoying" or some other term of endearment
'Terms of endearment.'
OH, SAKURA-CHAN, LET'S TELL THEM ABOUT THOSE!
And because Ii am the king of awesomeness, I get to help.
O-ok lets start with the usual. Mainly, "annoying" and "idiot."
...What the hell?
DON'T DENY IT SASUKE-KUN!
Because Sasuke has such a limited vocabulary, 'annoying' can mean several different things. It depends on the tone of voice, and who he's talking to. For example, if he were to call Kakashi-sensei's lateness 'annoying' that would mean that he really is annoyed.
And most of the time Sakura's on the receiving end.
...Yeah, what the hell Sasuke, why do you pick on Sakura-chan so much?
YEAH SASUKE WHY POOR SAKURA-CHAN AND NOT HINATA OR SOME OTHER FEMALE?!
Nice to get that off my chest.
Now that Sakura has said her rant, I think Sasuke should give us his rebuttal.
This isn't debate team, loser. And I don't pick on you, Sakura.
Then what do you call "You're still someone who needs to be protected," or "If I don't walk you home you'll probably end up in a ditch!?"
I'm not weak anymore, Sasuke-kun.
Oh good, we have an example. Let's analyze what he said. "You're still someone who needs to be protected"--Perhaps some form of, 'I love you, don't die!'
THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT!
If we follow the rules of Icha-Icha it probably falls along the form of I want to screw you sense-
Please, Sasuke doesn't have hormones. It probably means "If you die, there'll be paperwork involved," or something.
I don't mean it like that.
Sure you don't.
...I think you were onto something with the whole, 'screwing senseless' thing, Kakashi.
Do you even know that that means, idiot?
Finally, someone's agreeing with me.
Notice he's not denying it. Hey Kakashi, I think something might be going on between these two.
Shut up you idiot.
W-what are you talking about?
What he said!
I KNEW IT. CAUGHT IN THE ACT!
What act, idiot?
I think you need to stop talking now. Before I kill you.
Speaking of acts, if you two really are together I know some GREAT positions—and Sakura, don't bang your head on the wall, brain damage, you know.
...Hey Kakashi. Got any tips for me and Hinata?
DO NOT HAVE THIS CONVERSATION INFRONT OF US!
Who screams "hn"?
Nice comeback Sasuke-kun.
Should we catagorize the 'hn's'?
As a matter of fact, we should.
When did you start speaking "smart" Naruto?
I hate you all.
That's nice, twinkle toes.
SEE! WE CAN'T BE IN A RELATIONSHIP! HE HATES ME!
Sakura, that's his denial.
Back to the topic at hand; I'll start us off with 'hn' number one.
Hn1: 'I completely loathe you and wish that you would jump of this bridge and choke on some seaweed. Die, you freak.'
Normally said to Naruto.
Screw you, Sasuke. Hn1 to you too!
You have a list of all your "hn's" don't you Sasuke-kun?
Didn't you use Hn1 to Lee when he was hitting on Sakura before grabbing her hand and pulling her away?
Oh! There's hn2!
Hn2: 'I am in complete agreement with everything you just said, but am too cool to admit to such.' —Usually for Kakashi-sensei.
Did anyone else notice how Sasuke completely ignored the whole Lee-hitting-on -Sakura thing.
STICK TO THE TOPIC!
I agree. This conversation is pointless. We should be training, not talking about Lee.
You think EVERY conversation is pointless—and what's wrong with Lee?
...Not all of them. And Lee is a freak.
No! Lee's nice, sweet, and unlike ANOTHER PERSON I KNOW, listens to me and doesn't belittle me.
Who's the asshole belittling you?
(KAKASHI, LOVER'S QUARREL!)
Shut up, Naruto.
THERE'S GONNA BE A QUARREL IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP NARUTO!
(See how they deny there feelings, Naruto?)
(How curious. Perhaps we should be taking notes on their behavior? Sasuke's looking increasingly violent, and Sakura is staring to turn purple. Hinata and I have a much more stable relationship. Why do you suppose that is?)
I hardly think that a relationship where the other party faints every time you touch her as "stable."
That's only in public.
I taught you well, Naruto.
Hey! It's Hn3!
Oh! You mean 'Shut up before I castrate you!'?
Hn3: 'Do not add to my already traumatic life. Romance is a terrifying thing, and because I obviously don't have Naruto's smooth moves, I shall never venture forth.'
...Yours works too, Sakura-chan.
You know it.
Excuse me while I throw up.
Not on my shoes Sasuke-kun!
Are you talking about the time you asked Hinata out by pushing her face in a bowl of ramen so she could see your feelings written in noodles?
That was genius. Admit it, Kakashi-sensei.
Naruto, she almost passed out from lack of oxygen.
Has anyone noticed how far off topic we've gone?
...actually yeah. And Sasuke kinda disappeared.
Oh no, he's cheating on you! THAT MUST BE IT--Ow. Jeez Sasuke, the violent attack was kind of unnecessary
There's more where that came from.
Maybe Sasuke's hoping for a threesome.
Oh dang, that'd be hot—Ow! KAKASHI-SENSEI, SAVE ME!
I'LL MAKE SASUKE FLASHES YOU IF YOU TWO DON'T SHUT UP!
...You have the power to do that? …PROOF! I KNEW IT!
NARUTO, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!
It's called "I hold him down and pull his pants off."
In this scene, it probably means "I really wouldn't mind but because I have to keep up my cold-ass-bastard reputation, I have to pretend I utterly despise the idea."
Getting defensive are we, baby Sasu-kun?
Hn1 Kakashi, Hn1.
Well, what now?
How about we analyze the ones he says to me so I can show you guys how much he is not in love with me and that he does hate me! Or something.
Sakura, that might be a bad--
OKAY, SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN. Sasuke's quote, "You're annoying."
BUT JUST HOW IS SHE ANNOYING? BECAUSE YOU WANNA KISS HER?
I TOLD YOU, HE DOESN'T HAVE HORMONES!
Actually, he does--
Judging by all the times he undresses Sakura with his eyes, yeah, he does.
...How the hell did you see that?
He's probably just trying to figure out ways to torture me.
YOU PERVERT! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!
HOW DARE YOU LOOK AT SAKURA-CHAN THAT WAY?!
GET BACK HERE SO I CAN RIP YOUR SPLEEN OUT!
(He needs to go sulk.)
YAY! I mean—ahem…
TRANSLATION: "OKAY, BUT THERE BETTER BE MAKE-UP SEX LATER!"
Rot in hell.
What he said.
Notice how neither one of them denied it.
We win. Admit it Sasuke; you want to jump her.
You lurve her.
(Not that I'll allow you too, but still.)
I bet you he has a little scrap book full of pictures of her and lots of sparkles and hearts--
Sakura, we're leaving.
S-Sasuke why are you dragging me by the arm?
...Well, they sure left quickly...
'TRANSLATION: THERE'S GOING TO BE SOME LOVING TONIGHT!"
Something's telling me that this is going to be interesting.
Aw, there's nothing to do now that they've gone.
Hey Kakashi, about those tips...